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Mon, 20 May 2019
The World for People who Think

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Large cash advance for 'What Happened 2' ahead of 2020 presidential run

© Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C.-According to sources close to the Clinton camp, Hillary has already received a large cash advance for a book to explain the imminent failure of her 2020 campaign.

What Happened 2 will explore all the reasons Hillary Clinton lost the 2020 race, from Russian hackers and ignorant bigots to extraterrestrials and global warming.


Above or below? Aussie PM grilled on hot topic of the day: Proper placement of onions in sausage sandwiches

sausages on grill
© Agence France-Presse/William West
The Snag is a popular Australian snack with grilled onions and a sausage wrapped in white bread with a dollop of sauce
Australians are fired up as tensions simmer across the country over one of the hottest topics to skewer public opinion: should the onions be placed above or below the sausage in a certain national delicacy?

Wildly popular Australian hardware chain Bunnings, known for its charity fundraiser barbecues and its delicious 'snags' (a sausage sandwich), recently told staff to put onions under the sausages amid health and safety concerns over renegade loose onions escaping and causing patrons to slip.

The debate has gotten so out of control, it has even entered the international political sphere.


Nation approves plan to push Tinseltown into Pacific Ocean

hollywood push into ocean
© The Babylon Bee
A new law passed by Congress and signed into law by President Trump Thursday approves a plan to push Hollywood into the Pacific Ocean, sources in Washington are reporting.

The new law calls for federal officials to build or acquire a giant hand saw and make a rough incision along the outside of the central district of Los Angeles, leaving a large enough buffer so as to be sure that none of Hollywood would remain, allowing the scandal-ridden Tinseltown and its occupants to simply drift out to sea.

The plan comes amidst a continuous string of sexual scandals and horrific crimes that have come to light, perpetrated by some of the biggest Hollywood stars.


Glamour girl unleashes her toxic femininity on a Porsche Boxster

car vandal
© Tonya Matvienko via Facebook
One doesn't expect a young woman, wearing a pink coat and high heels, to carry an axe. But the one caught on camera in Kiev not only did but used it to wreck a Porsche Boxster in what appears to be act of revenge.

The bizarre scene, which happened in the center of the Ukrainian capital on Tuesday, was filmed by a witness who published it on Facebook. The footage shows the white sports car vandalized in broad daylight with astounded people watching.

The perpetrator first used a spray can to write "bastard" on the side of the posh white car and then armed herself with an axe and started chopping its windshield and hood.


Russians dress up as 'bus' to cross Vladivostok bridge... and get BUSted

russians bus costume
© Screenshot / art tra / YouTube
The two-kilometer Zolotoy Bridge in Russia's Vladivostok is off limits for pedestrian crossings but a creative team of four people devised a daring plan to fool the system by posing as one big 'human bus.'

The tall bridge, arching over Zolotoy Rog Bay, was opened for traffic in 2012. Three years later, it was officially closed for pedestrians for safety reasons - the existing walkways were deemed too narrow under transport and anti-terrorism regulations. Before that, the bridge had also seen three suicides and one suicide attempt.


Bear and fox demand food payment from passing tourists

A video showing a bear demanding and getting treats from a passing car has gone viral in Russia. The story behind it is both more interesting than expected, and really sad.

The video shows a brown bear getting a few cookies from the driver of a car in Russia's Far East. It was published last week by Vladimir Lirkin on his Instagram page. Some commenters found it quite cute, while others were outraged - it's actually a bad idea to teach a bear that humans can be a source of food.

After the video went viral, Lirkin, who lives on Sakhalin Island, explained to a regional news agency that the bear is part of an animal duo - the other half being a fox - who have been imposing a food toll on the road since at least the start of summer. The road is located on the smaller Iturup Island, one of the Kuril chain, and leads to a hot spring that is popular among tourists.


Is every other Russian in London really a spy or informant? #ICYMI checks it out

ICYMI russian spies
Right-wing think tank the Henry Jackson Society has released a report titled 'Putin Sees and Hears it all' which includes a claim that every second Russian in London could be a spy or an informant.

That would mean anywhere up to 75,000 Russians sending secrets back to their spymasters, which is a pretty serious workload when you think about it.

The author of the now much ridiculed report, Dr. Andrew Foxall, pointed to "increasing paranoia" among Russian immigrants, although [he] ignored the increasing paranoia among researchers at right-wing think tanks.

So, with that many alleged Russian spies wandering around the British capital, ICYMI went to see how easy they are to find.



CDC Warning: People with dirt on Clintons have 843% greater risk of suicide

© Babylon Bee
Atlanta, GA - According to a report from the Centers for Disease Control released on Thursday, people with inside, compromising knowledge of Bill and Hillary Clinton's financial and political dealings are 843% more likely to commit suicide.

"We've never seen a single risk factor cause a spike of this magnitude," a CDC spokesperson told reporters. "Interestingly, in spite of their increased suicide risk, people with dirt on the Clintons rarely show any warning signs of suicide, and they never leave a suicide note."


Florida recount finalized, Al Gore declared president!

Al gore

Al Gore
As Florida finally wrapped up its contentious recount of the votes tallied in the recent midterm elections, a winner was finally declared: Al Gore is now the president of the United States.

The recount process at long last found the "missing votes" that would have handed Gore the presidency back in 2000, making him the official president of the country.

"Well, it's about time," Gore said in his acceptance speech. "Thanks to all the fine people that made this happen. It really is too bad that the earth is going to be destroyed by fire by 2015--err, I mean, 2019, or else I could really savor my presidency."

Gore will be granted two terms as US president, ousting President Trump and canceling the 2020 election. "We just assume he would have won again and ushered in a liberal golden age," said an election official. "So he's got 8 years to reclaim his lost time. Make the most of it, Al, and great job. You deserve it!"

Black Cat 2

'Big Cat?!' Russian taxi driver shocked as a passenger brings leopard in cab

© Global Look Press/ Günter Lenz
Modern taxi drivers are used to having to accommodate passengers' requests, from XXL cabs to being pet-friendly. But one Russian driver was left mind-boggled when a passenger told him he'd be boarding with his... leopard.

According to local news outlet Homsk, the driver, from the Russian city of Yekaterinburg, received a call with an unheard-of request along the lines of: "I will go with a big cat in my arms (leopard)."

That turned out to actually be the case as the passenger showed up with the feline predator, who sat on his owner's knees in the passenger seat for the duration of the trip.