© The Babylon Bee
"Listen, this is a difficult case to solve," said Benedict to reporters. "The initial 'H' could be anyone. Hank, Herman, Harry... the possibilities are endless. We will do our best to solve this, but we need the American people to know that this extraordinarily difficult case might just be unsolvable forever."
Sources close to the case confirmed that police had planned to dust for fingerprints, but they accidentally lost their fingerprinting kit. They were then going to review security footage of the room where the hard drugs were found, but the tapes for that time period accidentally fell into a bucket of hydrochloric acid and were ruined. DNA tests also proved fruitless, as almost all of the DNA found in the White House belongs to Bill Clinton.
"This is a case that may haunt me for the rest of my life," said lead Detective Frank Drebin as several laser dots appeared on his forehead. "I'm completely stumped here. I really hate to see the bad guys get away like that."
At publishing time, DC Police had also lamented the unsolvable case of the dead hooker they just found buried in the Rose Garden.
Most people who have read the news of a 'white powder' found in the W.H. already know who it belongs to.
Thank you to the police and media who prostitute yourselves every day. Because of your actions all of these years we know that whatever you say or write is the opposite of truth.