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Sat, 29 Apr 2017
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BREAKING: Major KGB Announcement From Putin About Donald Trump, New US President!

Trolstoyevsky in KGB HQ, 1973
Exclusive video from KGB HQ!

This is not Fake News.

This is a serious announcement available exclusively to Russia Insider by our insider in KGB HQ in Moscow.

We repeat, this is serious news; it's not fake news similar to garbage published by CNN, MSNBC, BBC and other presstitutes.

Here's the official KGB press release:
"Yesterday at 6pm Moscow time one of the most successful KGB operations ended.

Donat Ivanovich Trolstoyevski, KGB sleeper agent, became president of the USA. Congratulations to the KGB, and glory to genius comrade Putin! Donat Ivanovich, your final order - make mother Russia great again!"

Comment: This is, of course, satire. However, if you don't believe us, then please, by all means, forward this to John McCain so that it can go into the next Dodgy Dossier.


Putin hacked fireworks! Trump pre-inauguration party's fireworks display spells out 'USR' instead of 'USA'

© YouTube/Randall Conner
An errant firework at Donald Trump's pre-inaugural fireworks display Thursday which spelled out 'USR' instead of 'USA' has sparked a storm of jokes suggesting that the incoming president plans to turn America into the 'United States of Russia'.

Russia can't seem to get a break from accusations of interfering in American politics. First, they were accused of hacking the election. Then, they got blamed for patching RT through to C-SPAN and glitching out an MSNBC anchor to say 'Russia' over and over. Now, a couple rouge fireworks at Donald Trump's pre-inaugural fireworks display saying 'USR' ('United States of Russia' presumably) have led to a revival of the 'Russians did it' meme in full force.

On Thursday night, at a pre-inauguration welcoming party, speaking before tens of thousands of supporters at the feet of the Lincoln Memorial, the President-elect delivered a stirring speech, promising to make America not just great, but "greater than ever before." Telling the crowd to "enjoy the fireworks," Trump left the stage as the Battle Hymn of the Republic rang out, sung by US Marines, accompanied by a dazzling fireworks display which lasted for over five minutes.

Mr. Potato

Tucker exposes hoax group claiming to pay protesters at Trump inauguration

© Fox News

A man claiming to lead a group that pays protesters millions of dollars a year was confronted and exposed as a fake by Tucker Carlson.

The man, who could not produce identification to the Fox News Los Angeles bureau, said his name was "Dom Tullipso" and said he runs "Demand Protest", which allegedly pays individuals to protest at events.

Prior to the interview, "Tullipso" said, his group was paying people to disrupt the inauguration ceremony for President-elect Donald Trump.

"This is a sham, your company isn't real, your website is fake," Carlson said, "This is a hoax. [Tullipso] is not your real name; we ran you through law enforcement-level background checks."


Orangutan slaps tourist taking a selfie!

Jakarta -- A tourist traveling with friends in Indonesia captured their encounter with an initially-friendly orangutan that ended up slapping one of the men in the face.

The video, posted to YouTube by user RailGod, shows the group of men and their guides riding on a boat traveling down the Sekonyer river in the Borneo jungle.

"We came across a wild orangutan hanging over the river on our way to Camp Leakey, who joined us in the boat," the uploader wrote.

The orangutan appears unafraid of the humans and approaches them to receive some offered snacks. The primate appears content to take food from the hands and mouths of the men, but seems suddenly annoyed when one of the men attempts to take a selfie with it. The orangutan slaps the man in the face and quickly backs away from him.

"He just slapped me, like, right on the nose!" the uninjured man says through laughter. The orangutan hangs out at the back of the boat for a little longer before climbing back into the trees.


Deepak Chopra sneezes and detaches retina in third eye

Don't sniff it, Deepak!
New Age poster boy and spiritual heartthrob Deepak Chopra was rushed to hospital last night, after detaching the retina in his third-eye.

Chopra, who advocates against excess materialism, was meditating in his 2.5 million dollar mansion on Friday night when the incident occurred.


New RoboQueen convinces on first public appearance

© Leon Neal/AFP/GettyImages
The new Queen robot or 'RoboQueen' made a convincing debut in public yesterday with a visit to church at Sandringham.

The appearance was delayed by two weeks after bugs in the RoboQueen's software caused her to make obscene gestures whenever she saw a swan, proving calamitous at breakfast.

"It went well. Very well," said lead designer of the RoboQueen, Dr Eleanor Gay.

"We surveyed the credulous simpletons who line the street to stare at her and the majority were convinced it was the Queen and not a soulless, uncaring automaton."

The RoboQueen is the beginning of an ambitious project to replace the entire royal family with robots so that the real royals can spend their time shooting animals and doing Ali G impressions.

Simon Williams witnessed the RoboQueen.

"Really convincing. I'd never have guessed it was a robot," he declared.

However, as he is the sort of person who stands in a road to look at an old lady going to church, his judgement is questionable.

He was supportive of the RoboRoyal program, though.

"Yeah, that's fair enough. I mean, they have a hard life with all that waving and going on State visits to the Caribbean.

"Why not get robots to do the boring bits, like going to church or meeting that Prime Minister and that."

It is understood that instead of attending church, the Queen spent Sunday morning lying on her sofa with a family bag of Maltesers on her chest watching 'Jenny Bond's 100 funniest Glorious Goodwood bloopers.'


Facebook censorship goes too far, bans God's account for His wrath against military spending

Facebook's notorious censorship — which has included takedowns of iconic images like the Vietnam War's 'Napalm Girl' to the arrest of Rosa Parks to a photograph of a classical statue of Venus — reached a whole other level of absurd recently, when the platform suspended God's account.

God, a religious satire profile, had the nerve to write a post critical of spending priorities of the bellicose United States, stating:

"Dear Americans:

Stop making your military so damn huge and give people medicine and education because you're sick and stupid.




Trump Gives Intel Agencies Their Daily Briefing

Sitting down with top officials from the CIA, FBI, and Defense Intelligence Agency in a Trump Tower conference room, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly gave U.S. intelligence agencies their daily briefing Tuesday morning.

"With the inauguration just weeks away, the president-elect held a meeting today to bring leaders of the intelligence community up to speed on critical information that will affect his diplomatic and defense decisions as the nation's commander-in-chief," said Reince Priebus, Trump's chief of staff, noting that the president-elect was planning to give briefings to intelligence officials every morning during his presidency in order to keep them closely apprised of the greatest areas of concern and latest threats to the nation.

"There's a considerable amount of secret and highly sensitive intel about military operations and diplomatic affairs that only Mr. Trump has the expertise to provide, and it's imperative that he convey these findings to our nation's intelligence directors. This is an invaluable service provided by Mr. Trump, and these meetings will be as frequent and as thorough as necessary to ensure the urgent information that Mr. Trump has gathered reaches those in our intelligence community."

Priebus added that the specifics covered during the briefings would be kept classified, as much of it would be incredibly shocking to the American populace.

Comment: Funny thing is, with the "intelligence" community's record, they'd probably do a better job!


"I lost because hackers showed America what a complete F-ing lunatic I am" (satire)(but true!)(ya know?)

© Washington Post
"Screw them, too!"
In what is being hailed as Hillary Clinton's most honest interview to date, WWN visits the former secretary of state's home in Chappaqua, New York.

Greeted at the front gates by her husband and former president Bill Clinton, this reporter was immediately patted down by him personally and told to leave my car outside the property.

"Don't worry pal, you won't get a ticket here, " he said, winking, before pressing his brittle index finger against his right nostril and hocking out mucus onto the ground.

© Snopes
Barn-livin' runs deep fer Hilly 'n Billy.
As we walked up to the converted farmhouse, Bill pointed to a barn to the side.

"I wrote my book in there," he pointed out, as if giving an important history lesson, "and that's not all I get up to in there, if ya know what I mean," now gyrating his pelvis in and out, mimicking a sex noise.

Mr. Clinton led me into the house, but stopped at the entrance.

"This is as far as I'm allowed go," he said, with a deep sadness in his eyes.

With that he skipped off towards the barn while I rang the doorbell.

An African American butler by the name of Hos answered and led me into a large living area where a rather frail Hillary Clinton egged me in.

Comment: Nutin' like a bang-up-job confessin'! We're good? Yeah.


U.S. intel says four-year-old hacked Trump's Twitter account

© Photograph by Cyrus McCrimmon/Getty
An alarming report issued by heads of the U.S. intelligence agencies on Friday asserts that the Twitter account of President-elect Donald Trump was successfully hacked by a four-year-old child.

Profilers and cryptologists who studied Trump's Twitter feed believe that the account was first hacked during the 2016 campaign, when the child was three.

"The hacker would often wake up in the middle of the night, in an addled and cranky state, and start tweeting," an intelligence source said. "This disrupted sleep pattern is consistent with a suspect in the three-to-four-year-old age range."

N.S.A. analysts who studied the vocabulary, syntax, and spelling of the tweets "determined beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are the work of a preschooler," the source said.

While the intelligence agencies have yet to determine the identity of the hacker, the source stressed that a four-year-old capable of hacking the President-elect's Twitter account poses "a serious national-security threat."

"Based on these tweets, this particular four-year-old has a loose grasp on reality, lacks all impulse control, and is potentially very dangerous."