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Tue, 25 Oct 2016
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Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Virginia police give woman a 'heart attack'... and an ice cream cone

© Kevin Lands / Facebook
Most people are pulled over by police for some sort of obvious traffic violation: speeding, failure to signal, etc. But in Halifax, Virginia, drivers can be stopped for a very different reason ‒ not having an ice cream cone on a hot summer day.

In an era where "driving while black" is a common complaint ‒ meaning an African-American driver has committed no traffic violations but is still stopped by police ‒ the Halifax Police Department decided to engage in their own version of community policing.

As temperatures hit the 90s across southern Virginia, Halifax Police Chief Kevin Lands and Officer Brian Warner pulled over a woman.

Snow Globe Xmas

10 reasons we believe that Tim Kaine had never seen or heard of balloons before the DNC

© Getty Images / Chip Somodevilla
I love these things!
In the celebratory atmosphere at the Democratic National Convention's final night, Senator Tim Kaine proudly showed the world that he is committed to this country and also that he loves balloons more than anything.

Images and video clips from Thursday night show Hillary Clinton's VP pick generally delighting in the existence of balloons. Kaine's glee for balloons is so deeply profound that it's beginning to make us suspect that he has perhaps never seen or heard of them before in his entire life.

Looking into this theory led us to discover several pieces of evidence that support our hypothesis, which we've included below.

Comment: What is it about these DNC politicians and their balloons?!

See: "I don't feel your pain": Bill Clinton refuses to give balloon to little girl


'Get a room!' Obamillary hug triggers Photoshop contest

© Jim Young/Reuters
Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton hugs U.S. President Barack Obama as she arrives onstage at the end of his speech on the third night of the 2016 Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, U.S., July 27, 2016.
The endorsement of the first female presidential nominee of a major party by the first black president was marked by a hug at the DNC, but President Obama and Hillary Clinton's tender moment was also the most Photoshop-able of the campaign trail yet.

The hug between Clinton and Obama during the third night of the Democratic National Convention could not have been more perfect - for Photoshoppers, at least.

The contrast between the two and the background made it easy, almost too easy, to turn their hug into one of the greatest political memes of all time.

The internet took Barack and Hillary on a journey through time and history.

Comment: "Eeeeeuuuwww!"


Outlaw cow refuses to be taken alive!

© Nichole Most / Facebook
A cow in Longview, Washington got loose and wished to stay that way, even in the face of death. When its owner and a police officer tried to rein it in, the animal charged, hitting the officer in the chest. Not even a Taser could break the bovine's spirit.

A police officer has fallen in the line of duty - literally. He's not dead; he just got knocked down by a cow.

Heart - Black

"I don't feel your pain": Bill Clinton refuses to give balloon to little girl

© Lucy Nicholson / Reuters
Thousands of star-spangled balloons falling from the rafters are to be expected at the end of a US political convention, but Bill Clinton's refusal to give one up shocked one little girl. Now an aide of the former president is trying to clear things up.

At the conclusion of Hillary Clinton's nomination acceptance speech on the final night of the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia, the tradition lived on. Untold numbers of balloons drifted to the floor, where ecstatic Democrats volleyed the symbols of joy in celebration of the historic moment. Thousands were clearly overjoyed, but former President Bill Clinton was rhapsodic.

Video, photos, and GIFs of the 42nd commander-in-chief quickly made the rounds online, but one clip stood out above all. Somewhere in the backstage area, along with Hillary, Huma Abedin, and other staffers and supporters, Bill Clinton carried off his prized balloon - a blue one covered in stars. A little girl in a matching patriotic dress took notice and, assuming that Bill was handing it to her, attempted to take the balloon. The 69-year-old man from Hope, Arkansas yanked it back immediately, leaving the girl with a look of, "Well then."



Russia confirms Hillary's emails mostly cat gifs and Harry Potter fan novel

Vladimir Putin has confirmed that Hillary Clinton's 30,000 private emails are mostly just animated cat pictures and Harry Potter fan fiction.

Putin, who was asked by Donald trump to hack Clinton's server, released tens of thousands of mails this morning, more than 65% of which featured vines of fluffy animals falling off furniture, acting vaguely like people, or what she simply called 'Random cutes!!1 xoxox'.

The remainder of the emails appear to be a work-in-progress Harry Potter fan novel titled Harry Potter and the White House of Power", in which a previously ignored middle-aged woman suddenly discovers she has incredible powers and ends up ruling the world.

A spokesman for Mrs Clinton said the novel was 'just nothing' and denied it was autobiographical, despite a scene where the Death-Eaters build a giant wall to keep mudbloods out of Hogwarts.

"Thirty thousand is a lot of emails for someone who is supposed to be really busy in meetings and security briefings and getting shot at by snipers in Bosnia," conspiracy theorist Chuck Williams told us.

"We figured that most of them would be one-liners - 'let's invade somewhere', that sort of thing - so I'm a bit disappointed that an email titled 'Terror attack!' was just a shot of cat leaping away from a cucumber.

"No, I don't see anything wrong in asking a hostile foreign power to engage in cyber warfare against my home country, why do you ask?"

When asked to comment, Sarah Palin confirmed she could see Russia hacking emails from her house.


Donald Trump's mom gets trolled hard on Twitter: Bad hair day?

Twitter may have just uncovered the most damning insight into what makes Donald Trump "The Donald": His mother Mary and her iconic quiff.

A screenshot of Mary Trump from 1997 has gone viral for so many reasons.


Telegraph wins the Internet: Two walruses die at Putin-backed oceanarium! - not satire

Just the latest mammals to die at Vladivostok oceanarium in the Kremlin's brutal crackdown on walrus dissidents.
Ladies and gentlemen. We give you the latest Russia outrage keenly spotted by the tireless western mainstream media:


John Kerry - Air conditioners as big a threat as ISIS

You know it makes sense — air conditioners are as dangerous as suicide bombers. They must be stopped. Next up, refrigerators...
© JoNova
Here's a petition you can support: Do it for the children, for the future.
WHEREAS, Secretary of State John F. Kerry has suggested that air conditioners are as big a threat as ISIS, and

WHEREAS, it is the duty of our elected and appointed government officials to lead by example,

THEREFORE, we call upon the U.S. Department of State to remove air conditioning from all property that the Department owns, rents, or otherwise employs, including but not limited to embassies, consulates, office buildings, etc., all vehicles owned and/or operated by the Department, and any other property, real or movable, owned, rented, or otherwise employed by the Department.
Hopalong Ginsberg started this petition, and 2,500 people have spoken up already. To sign the petition go to Change.org...

This could help in so many ways.

Gold Seal

John Oliver on the unsurprisingly surprising Republican National Convention

© Via YouTube/LastWeekTonight
John Oliver discusses last week's unsurprisingly surprising Republican convention.