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Sun, 19 Sep 2021
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CDC ruling: You no longer have to wear a life jacket outside in case of rain

life jacket
© The Babylon Bee
Huzzah! Just stow that thing back in the closet.
The CDC has updated its guidelines and announced that you no longer have to wear a life jacket outside in case of rain. The guidelines had been put in place last year during a particularly rainy March, and although many experts had claimed we would just have to wear the life jackets for a couple of weeks, mandates remained in place for well over a year.

But now, even hardcore pro-life jacket agencies like the CDC have admitted it is time to take the life jackets off and go about our lives.

"Look, unfortunately, the rainy season is just about over," said CDC Director Rochelle Walensky. "We had hoped it would last forever, but even we must admit, you no longer have to put a life jacket on when going outside." However, the updated rule only applies to people who have taken swimming lessons at an approved swim lesson site. Still, many say this is progress over the strict and sometimes anti-science position taken by the CDC throughout the flood season.

"But we will still remain vigilant, and life jackets may become a seasonal thing worn every October through April to stay safe."

Despite the updated guidelines, many liberals announced they would continue to wear life jackets until the chance of drowning in a sudden freak flash flood hit 0%.

"This is way too soon," said Krissy Mackinaw of Austin, Texas as she watched people walk by without life jackets. "Look at these anti-science neanderthals walking around!" Her state of Texas removed the life jacket mandate several months ago, causing many experts to predict there would be a massive spike in drownings, but none of those predictions of doom came true. "You're all going to die!" she screamed at passersby as she put a snorkel on.


Biden urges Israel to only use US military aid for 'nice stuff'

Military Aid
© Waterford Whispers
US PRESIDENT Joe Biden has condemned Israeli airstrikes on Palestinians civilians which has resulted in the deaths of children in the strongest possible terms by urging Israel to use its annual US military aid of $3.8bn for 'nice things' only.

"When we gave you that military aid with no strings attached and our implicit support for your human right abuses, illegal occupation and apartheid, we honestly thought you'd use that military aid for something nice like flowers for your soldiers," explained Biden, intent on continuing America's long treasured unconditional support of the indefensible.

With the vast majority of world leaders turning a blind eye to the Israeli government's policy of a thousand eyes for an eye, Israel is free to continue launching 9-hour missile bombardments every time a Palestinian farts, safe in the knowledge only Hamas is to blame, always.


German engineer predicted man named 'Elon' would conquer Mars in 1952 novel

Wernher von Braun
© Evening Standard/Getty Images
Wernher von Braun
Pioneering aerospace engineer and science-fiction writer Wernher von Braun may have predicted Elon Musk's plan to colonize other worlds nearly 70 years ago when he described a man named "Elon" ruling over Mars.

Von Braun created the character "Elon" in his 1952 science fiction novel "Project Mars" — a space fantasy about a mission to Mars, according to a report.

The book's predictions came to light a few years ago, but began trending on social media last week

Von Braun, one of the most important scientists in the development of rocket technology, describes a Martian government led by ten men, who worked under a leader "elected by universal suffrage for five years under the name or title of Elon."

After the Second World War, Von Braun, who worked on rockets for the Nazis, was among a group of German scientists who was secretly moved to the US and worked on the exploration of outer space at NASA.
© Britta Pedersen/Getty Images
SpaceX founder Elon Musk
Musk, the founder of SpaceX, is among a group of billionaires with plans to colonize the Red Planet. His company recently became the first private firm to launch astronauts into space.


CIA replaces waterboarding with 12-hour lectures on intersectional feminism

cia torture
According to anonymous sources, the CIA has replaced enhanced interrogation techniques such as waterboarding with something even more torturous and effective: 12-hour academic lectures on intersectional feminism.

"Waterboarding has been shown to be very effective," said the anonymous source. "But that's been replaced now. Now we just pop in a tape of Robin DiAngelo, Stacey Abrams, or Joy Behar. Sometimes we'll really ramp things up and make them watch Coca-Cola's diversity training on a 12-hour loop."

Terror suspects will be subjected to lengthy lectures about cis-male privilege, heteronormative patriarchy, and microaggressive mansplaining. Sources say these lectures are 1,282% more effective than regular old waterboarding.

Critics have criticized the new interrogation method, saying that such cruel torture should be limited only to American universities.

Comment: Probably not that far from the truth:


Biden relocates 20,000 National Guard troops to inner cities to snipe menthol cigarettes out of people's mouths

menthol smoking
Biden has announced he will finally relocate the 20,000 National Guard troops who have been stationed in D.C. since January. Their new mission will be to infiltrate America's inner cities and shoot menthol cigarettes out of the mouths of unsuspecting smokers.

"Listen, folks-- we gotta do something about these incredibly refreshing and smooth menthol cigarettes," said Biden. "The poor kids like 'em way more than white kids do. Like my Great-Aunt Millie used to say: 'If you don't like menthols, you ain't black!' We have to protect black health. Gotta do it."

Sharpshooters from the Guard will be sent to urban centers like Chicago, Baltimore, and New York, and posted outside carry-outs and gas stations.

"If you so much as raise a menthol to your lips, our trained soldiers will take care of it with their sniper rifles!" said Biden, who went on to say: "Gotta put one, put one on the train and watch it go around. It can't. It can't go around 'cause the pudding is too runny for the Chamber of Commerce to fix the crankshaft... anyway... gotta get rid of the black people cigarettes, folks."

Soldiers will also be trained in advanced take-down techniques to subdue any menthol offenders. BLM and the ACLU have applauded the move and have welcomed increased enforcement of their cities as long as it's not done by the local police.


Study finds anyone still wearing a mask at this point is probably just super ugly

masked people
A new study found that anyone still wearing a mask at this point is probably just super ugly.

The study looked at thousands of Americans still wearing masks and thousands who have long since thrown away all their masks. The findings were conclusive: the vast majority of people who still choose to wear a mask everywhere they go were much uglier than those who are currently blessing the world by letting everyone see their beautiful faces.

"Look, the vaccine is out there, numbers are way down, your risk of dying is very, very low -- if you're still wearing a mask at this point, let's be honest: you probably have a very homely face," said Dr. Vance Ryder, a very handsome doctor not wearing a mask. "You might have what we call a 'face for radio' in the business, if you know what I'm saying."


Dems committed to utterly destroying black man's optimism about race relations

Senator Tim Scott
In the wake of a black man from the South expressing optimism about race in America, outraged liberals across the nation are doing everything in their power to crush that kind of positive thinking before it really gets out of hand.

"Look, black people are great and all, but they aren't allowed to disagree with us," explained Senator Chuck Schumer. "It's pretty simple. Any black person who has the nerve to disagree with us is just a dumb puppet for white people. Or, as our great President once said, they aren't even black! Now, we need liberals everywhere to remind Senator Scott that America is terrible and there is simply no way for black people to succeed without the graces of kindly Democrats. Leftist mob - assembllllllllle!"

White progressives answered the bell, crashing the airwaves with messages touting their unmatched racism. "How could a silly Senator say something like that?" laughed Jimmy Kimmel as he finished cleaning off his blackface. "I know so much more about racism than a black man from the South, especially one whose grandparents picked cotton. Don't worry, I'll perform a hilarious monologue for white liberals about how dumb it is for a black man to think our country is good - that will really put him back in his place!"


CDC now recommends wearing a seat belt even when you're outside the car

seat belt
The CDC has issued brand new recommendations regarding the wearing of seat belts. Health experts there are now recommending people wear a seat belt, even when outside the car.

"This guidance is especially important if you're in a large group of people at the park or an outdoor event," said Dr. Stiku Pumybum. "Risk of collisions leading to bone breaks or concussions dramatically increase in large groups of people. Billions could die!"

When pressed regarding what gives the CDC authority to comment on seat belt usage, they clarified that these were simply recommendations based on the latest scientific research, for the sake of public health. When further asked how exactly a seat belt that's not anchored to anything can protect anyone, they replied with a statement saying "SHUT UP IT'S SCIENCE!"


Biden wore mask during zoom call in case COVID had mutated into a computer virus

Zoom Conference
© The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden was seen wearing a mask in a climate summit with world leaders, despite his being vaccinated and despite the conference being virtual and held over Zoom. This has made some wonder if Biden even understands how a virus works, but Biden says he's just being cautious.

"We can't let our guard down just because we're vaccinated and alone in a room," Biden told reporters with a megaphone while standing twenty feet away. "See, there is this little thing called a 'computer virus.' Ha, I bet you thought I was some out-of-touch boomer who doesn't know about computers. Well, for one thing, I'm too old to be a boomer -- I'm the generation before that -- and I've used typewriters since I was a kid -- which is a lot like a computer before you attach the TV. So I know all about computers, and they get viruses. Maybe COVID. Who knows? Better to wear a mask around them."


LA homeless man feels unsafe as limos full of drug addicts and perverts show up in his neighborhood

homeless man hollywood
© The Babylon Bee
Hobo Hank is a friendly guy by all accounts, whether he's asking for change outside the 7-Eleven or debating philosophy with a parking meter. But Hank says his corner outside the Oscars is really starting to go downhill, as a bunch of shady drug addicts and alcoholics showed up this afternoon and apparently plan to be there all evening.

"This neighborhood is really going downhill," Hank said as another limousine arrived packed with people of the lowest moral caliber. "I was just minding my own business hanging out with Stabbin' Steve and Murderin' Carl, and the next thing you know, all these shifty-looking people start showing up in town. What is the world coming to when you can't shoot up a little heroin in peace?"

"I'm even starting to worry my cardboard box is really going to lose its value."

Hank's cardboard box is valued at $1.5 million according to Zillow, but he says that value will drop fast if these drug addicts and sexually immoral people don't leave town soon.

"This place ain't what it used to be, I tell you what," he told his pigeon.