Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

Ice Cube tries to bump his street cred in ride-along with Tucker Carlson

tucker carlson Ice cube ride along
Tucker Carlson and rapper Ice Cube
In an attempt to increase his credibility on the street, rapper-actor Ice Cube booked an appearance on conservative media pundit Tucker Carlson's show on Twitter (AKA "X"), thinking anyone seeing him hanging around Carlson will have no doubt he's a tough customer.

"If you want people to think you're hardcore, you gotta be around Tucker," Cube said after his interview with Carlson was completed. "I've spent a lot of time in Hollywood over the years, and it can be easy to lose some of your edge and make people think you've gone soft. Rollin' through South Central with Tucker Carlson shows everyone I'm still the real deal."

Carlson welcomed not only the chance to interview Ice Cube for his program but also to take the opportunity to lend an air of toughness and menace to his guest's persona. "I'm always happy to help out my homies," Carlson said while drinking his gin and juice. "If anyone has any doubts about my boy Cube, they were put to rest once they saw him riding with me in his car. Everybody knows I don't play. Straight-up."

Eyewitnesses on L.A. streets expressed newfound respect for Ice Cube. "I thought he might just be a guy who acts tough," said one bystander. "After seeing him with Tucker Carlson? Wooo...now I know not to mess with Ice Cube."

At publishing time, Ice Cube was reportedly hoping to collaborate with Carlson on a new hip-hop album set for release early next year.

Comment: A great segment actually:




Smiley

Hero: Biden announces he will donate the rest of his bribe money to charity

joe biden
Joe Biden
What a guy! As more evidence continues to emerge regarding Biden's selling influence and favors to foreign governments for bribe money, The President has announced he will be selflessly donating the remainder of his bribe money to charity.

"Listen up, folks. Here's the deal," Biden said to reporters assembled at the White House, "I made a lot of money by taking bribes from other countries. It was entirely legal except for being totally illegal. To smooth things over, I'm going to give all the bribe money I have left over to a variety of charities. In return, those charities will do me favors. It's a win-win. Noogardinbargits!"

The press pool then stood and cheered, impressed by Biden's extremely generous act.

Though no official list has been released, the charities to which Biden plans on donating the bribe money include prominent left-wing causes, such as green energy and LGBTQ+ activist organizations. "It's important to the President to give this dirty money to dirty organizations," said White House gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "The original intent for this money was to facilitate underhanded, immoral acts, so giving it to these charities will be a way of continuing that legacy. This is truly a heroic move."

When asked if his son, Hunter, will also be donating his bribe money to charity, Joe Biden replied, "Who's Hunter?" The President was then whisked away for his mid-morning nap.

At publishing time, sources confirmed the Biden administration had decided to donate the entire sum to his son's charity foundation.

Smiley

Are you against crime? You're racist!

Jason Aldean
© The Babylon BeeJason Aldean hit song has been cancelled by the virtuous
Country star Jason Aldean released a controversial single this month called Try That In A Small Town in which he laid out his belief that crime is bad. He has since been forcefully condemned by the music industry since being against crime is now considered a racist dog whistle.

"I was shocked and saddened by the blatant racism in Aldean's song that condemned violent crime," said CMT President Brian Philips. "Crime is a beloved and noble tradition of BIPOC communities, and to condemn it is to condemn our own black brothers and sisters. I am sorry we ever allowed it to be aired."

Aldean defended himself from the criticism on his Instagram page, saying "What on earth does this have to do with race? I never mentioned race, you guys did! You guys are racist! What's wrong with you people?" Unfortunately, no one read his statement as Instagram soon removed the post.

Industry experts joined in denouncing Aldean. "Most of us secretly agree with him, but it's not cool to say that," said Universal Music Group CEO Cindy Mabe. "So, please don't tell anyone I said that. Hey! Stop writing that down!"

At publishing time, a group of heavily armed Antifa troops was seen outside Aldean's home to teach him a valuable lesson about being against crime.

Smiley

Biden blames White House cocaine on black guy who lived there before

Brandon
© The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the rumor mill still churning despite the Secret Service closing its investigation, President Joe Biden blamed the presence of cocaine in the West Wing of the White House on a black man who used to live there.

"One of those suspicious colored fellas used to live here," Biden said to reporters assembled on the White House lawn as he came outside for his morning recess time. "Black folks are always dealing drugs, which is why I pushed so hard to incarcerate them decades ago. Nobody listened. Now, one of them lived here for years. He was a bad dude. Borfarginbinder."

Ever since a white powder that later tested positive for cocaine was discovered in the White House, speculation has run rampant that it may have belonged to President Biden's son, Hunter. "People are trying to say it belonged to my son, but that's an awful thing to say because my son passed away years ago," Biden said. "It's time for us to move on, just like the black fella who lived here before. He doesn't live here anymore, he just calls me up every day and tells me what I need to do. Mint chocolate chip."

Smiley

Embarrassed man could've sworn the invitation said 'Costume Party'

Zelensky
© The Babylon Bee
LITHUANIA — A Ukrainian attendee at this year's NATO Summit found himself feeling embarrassed upon realizing the get-together was not, in fact, a costume party as he had thought.

"Zoinks! This is humiliating!" said the man, who was wearing a brand-new army-man costume complete with realistic army shoes. "I'm sticking out like a sore thumb here! Why am I the only one not wearing a fancy suit? Didn't the invite say to wear the coolest costumes we can come up with?"

"UGH! So awkward!"

Beer

Roasted! Bud Light tries to build excitement on Twitter and the replies are comedic gold

Bud Light beer
© Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images
It's a wrap for Bud Light.

Ever since the Anheuser-Busch brand decided to launch an advertising campaign with transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney (and I still can't get over how they chose March Madness to do it), they've been absolutely blasted with criticism and lash back.

It's been bad for Bud Light in every way imaginable. From their sales taking a nosedive to their stock prices taking a hit to getting absolutely roasted on social media, the beer giant hasn't been able to catch a break. And their collapse isn't stopping anytime soon either, as I just recently blogged about how their decline is expected to go into the fall — football season! (Bummer)

Well, to their credit, Bud Light keeps marching along like nothing ever happened and is on an aggressive campaign to win back America's heart. But um, it's not working at all. And that's being nice, it's an outright disaster. Just take their latest tweet for example.

Smiley

DC police say they may never discover who left bag of cocaine labeled 'Property of H. Biden' at White House

Property of H Biden
© The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference this morning, interim DC Police Chief Ashan Benedict said that while they have top investigators on the case, they may never know exactly who left a bag of cocaine labeled "Property of H. Biden" in the White House while Hunter Biden was there.

"Listen, this is a difficult case to solve," said Benedict to reporters. "The initial 'H' could be anyone. Hank, Herman, Harry... the possibilities are endless. We will do our best to solve this, but we need the American people to know that this extraordinarily difficult case might just be unsolvable forever."

Smiley

Biden promise to restore decency in White House fulfilled as crack found was of 'highest quality'

joe biden cocaine satire
Only the best for the White House family
Joe Biden's pledge during the 2020 Presidential Election to restore decency and integrity to the White House has been fulfilled, as testing revealed the cocaine found on the premises this week was truly of the highest quality.

"It is this administration's policy to maintain the highest standards," said Karine Jean-Pierre, a black gay White House Press Secretary who made history as a gay person who is black and works as the White House Press Secretary. "The American people deserve to feel confident that any cocaine found within the presidential residence will only be of the very finest kind."

Word spread quickly after a substance discovered at the White House tested positive as cocaine. With suspicions immediately raised that the presence of the cocaine happened to coincide with the President's son, Hunter, staying at the White House, the administration sought to quickly change the subject from the owner of the cocaine to its level of quality.

"We all saw what the previous administration did to this country," Jean-Pierre continued. "Low gas prices. Low unemployment. Affordable houses. Peace in the Middle East. A prosperous economy. Strength in the military and at the border. A veritable laundry list of things we had to correct when we took control of the country. You can be sure that if any cocaine were found here under Trump's watch, it would have been some shoddy stuff that likely has baking soda or talcum powder cut into it. Shameful. This administration only allows the purest Colombian blow."

At publishing time, former President Donald Trump had been notified that he may be facing new indictments for the cocaine found at the Biden White House.

Comment: Bonus Bee!




Pirates

Dems devastated as Supreme Court bans robbing the poor

us supreme court
Leftists are devastated this morning after the Supreme Court passed down a new ruling that will ban robbing those who didn't attend college to pay for the expensive and useless degrees of those who did.

"If the useless poor can't pay for my $300,000 Diversity and Belonging Doctorate degree, what good are they?" said Dr. Mikayla Barnes, a local Starbucks shift manager. "What am I supposed to do now? Work more? I'm ruined!"

Sources say this tragic ruling will adversely affect the lives of thousands of feminists who will no longer be able to afford blue hair dye, and may now have to find a rich man to marry them. "How could the poors be so coldhearted to our suffering?" said Barnes. "Curse you, Clarence Thomas!"

At publishing time, Democrats had been rocked by further tragedy as SCOTUS ruled you can't force Christians to do gay stuff.

Comment: Bonus Bee!




Smiley

Source of Canadian Wildfires found: "Russia done did it!!"

canada wildfires
"See, that's Russia just over yonder! It must be them Ruskies fault!"
Allegations put Russia at the centre of the controversy

While it may not be obvious to some, there are those who believe that Russia is behind the wildfires now raging across Eastern Canada.

Intelligence experts have indicated that there is a strong possibility that Russia is testing their ability to bring down our electric grid and bring the war in Ukraine to America's shores.

Security analysts estimates suggest that this was an "proof of concept " according to one official familiar with the matter. "It sure isn't that global warming bullshit. Something far more unprecedented and insidious is going on" he added.

The accusations are not without foundation.

Comment: Ric's illuminating bio:
Quotes bring Insight into the Deranged Mind of the Author RIC MARSHALL
"I thought it might be cathartic; a way to get these thoughts out of my head without surgery. That and my stone tablets were delayed."
The author, Ric Marshall, from his basement in Edmonton, Alberta, old, more ugly than handsome, swashbuckling doesn't even come up, on why he started this site
"A kink in the artery to the pineal gland. Or the corpus callosum. At this point I know not which."
The author, during a lucid bathroom break, once again failing to describe why he started this site
"I don't know.It's a bit of a fog. I was really drunk at the time."
Ibid
"The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a flame to be kindled."
Plutarch
"The mind is a terrible thing to waste. I will do my best."
The author, who should have left it to Plutarch
"There comes a time when you have to be honest, have to face your personal demons, have to throw away all your preconceptions and a priori visions of the world around you.

Fortunately, that time is not yet upon us."
The author, being really, really philosophical
"Before I was born, I helped my father build our house, but I never knew my mother, she left home before I was born."
The author, updating his bio
"I feel a responsibility to those not as fortunate as I, so my next website will be in Braille".
The author, the webmaster, the wannabe
"Maybe the voices in my head are real, maybe they aren't; they have some pretty good ideas".
The author, exposing his muses with questionable syntax
"Why does nobody read this crap? I'll tell you why. The right, and the left, are working together to shut me down.

I think I am going to call the Internet and give them a piece of my mind."
The author, continuing his plans for world domination. One hopes the piece of his mind he gives "the Internet" isn't that large; he is almost out.