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Wed, 27 Oct 2021
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Minneapolis business owner prudently ups her peaceful protest insurance

woman working notebook business
© The Babylon Bee
In preparation for the results of the Derek Chauvin trial, local business owner Candace Farnsworth has increased her peaceful protest insurance coverage.

"I've been doing business in the city for 32 years," she said to reporters. "I fully support BLM and their wonderful peaceful protests," she said while raising one fist.

"However, if the protests get so peaceful that my shop gets peacefully looted by brave liberators of my entire stock, or gets peacefully burned to the ground by the flames of peaceful justice, I need to be prepared."

Farnsworth said she would be using her stimulus check and PPP loan to pay for the increased insurance premiums until the peaceful peacefulness finally subsides. Her insurance company will require her to hang a "Black Lives Matter" sign outside her business for the entirety of the peaceful protests to protect against any encroaching peacefulness.

According to sources, she soon thought twice about it and decided to just move to Florida instead.


Russians say LMAO after Salisbury poisoning suspects linked to explosion at Czech ammo depot: 'Did they shake Biden's stairs too?'

russian cartoon petrov boshirov salibury poison novichok
© Twitter / @AlexanderKhlob3; Reuters / Met Police
“Petrov and Boshirov stealing the secret of brewing dark alcohol-free Czech beer,” says this tweet showing a still from a Soviet animation, "Adventures of Captain Wrongel". (insets) (L) Alexander Petrov, (R) Ruslan Boshirov
A wave of ridicule was unleashed on Russian social media after the Czech police identified two suspects, who appeared to be related to a 2014 blast. They are the same people the UK accused of the high-profile Skripal poisoning.

A diplomatic scandal rocked Russian-Czech relations this weekend just before a scheduled visit to Moscow by Czech Foreign Minister Jan Hamacek. Prague expelled 18 Russian diplomats and accused Moscow of sending intelligence agents to blow up a munitions depot a few years ago.

The news would have been received with much less amusement in Russia, were it not for the alleged identity of the suspected saboteurs. While the Czech police did not directly mention the 2014 explosion, they named the region where it took place - and pointed the finger at the same people, who already stand accused by Britain of going after Russian double agent Sergei Skripal, who was poisoned in Salisbury in 2018. Best known as Alexander Petrov and Ruslan Boshirov, they are said to be agents of the Russian military intelligence agency, the GRU.


BLM founder calls for abolishing police in all the areas where she doesn't live

Patrisse Cullors

Patrisse Cullors "trained Marxist" and real estate queen
BLM co-founder and "trained Marxist" Patrisse Cullors has called for defunding the police in response to police shootings. She later clarified, however, that she only supports abolishing police in all the areas where she doesn't live.

"The police in my wealthy white area of LA can stay," she said. "And the ones around my home in Atlanta. Also, the ones who protect my other home in Albany. I think I have a fourth house too, but I can't remember where it is. Wherever it is, the police there can stick around as well."

According to sources, Cullors needs all these properties for her important work, and to hide from the urban hellscapes where police are being defunded.

"I need a lot of houses. All good Marxists have a lot of houses!" said Cullors.

Police have assured Cullors that they will remain at full strength in the wealthy, majority-white neighborhoods where she lives.

Bernie Sanders reportedly condemned Cullors after finding out she now has more houses than he does.


'We're not tearing up the Constitution, we're untearing it,' say Dems while ripping the Constitution apart

tearing the Constitution
Democrats have recently proposed the controversial idea of tearing the Constitution to pieces in the name of correcting the Constitution. By severing key components from the document they hope to repair the damage caused by Republicans.

"Some people will say we're tearing the Constitution. We're not tearing. We're untearing," explained US Representative Jerold Nadler as he ripped the Constitution apart. "Senator McConnell and the Republicans were the ones who tore it up over the last couple of years. The only way to untear it is to tear it, which will then retroactively repair it from the tearing of the Republicans. Wait, hang on. I might have that backward. Well, you get the idea."

Jerry Nadler and Nancy Pelosi then proceeded to rip large chunks from the founding document. "There that fixes it!" Pelosi said as she tore out the 2nd amendment entirely. "Now it's been untorn from how Republicans have sliced it to pieces by making it say things it never was intended to say."

"There can be no justification for what they did. How can Americans look at the Constitution and expect it to do equal justice when it has been so severely politically shredded?" added Nadler tossing the Constitution through a woodchipper.

When Nadler and Pelosi were finished untearing the Constitution there was barely anything left. All that remained were two single scraps reading "War" and "Welfare."


Minneapolis City Council to offer looting passports to 'peaceful protesters'

babylon bee looting passports
© The Babylon Bee
You can never be too safe
The Minneapolis City Council has voted unanimously for the equitable distribution of looting passports to peaceful protestors.

"It can be confusing for citizens to know if a crime is acceptable or not based on the ebb and flow of the City Council's agenda," said Councilperson Maria Saliva. "With looting passports, protestors can know when it's OK to loot stores and destroy businesses in the name of social justice."

Looting passports could not come at a better time, as eight months have passed since looting was in vogue, and many peaceful protestors are in dire need of updated name-brand clothing and bigger TVs.

When asked whether he believed looting passports could be seen as unfairly punishing honest business owners, President Biden replied, "Well, you can't swat a cow gator without priming the barrel bark, which gobbles up the huffles for good ol' spazamaturble. You know?"

At press time, the City Council was discussing the logistics of distributing the passports based on a citizen's melanin levels.

"Obviously, fighting the oppression of white supremacy and ushering in a utopia of equity for all begins with looting," stated a council member for Minneapolis from his suburban mansion surrounded by police.


In effort to boost ratings, CNN showing reruns of the Russia investigation

cnn russia investigation
In an effort to boost ratings, CNN has announced a series of special broadcasts revisiting some of the most riveting and sensational moments of the Trump Russia collusion investigation.

"Our loyal fans have been asking for this," said CNN President Jeff Zucker. "We hear over and over again how exciting and compelling our dramatic coverage of the Russia investigation was. This year, we will be showing special reruns of the best moments from our courageous journalism covering the evil dealings of Trump with the nefarious evil powers of Russia!"


Nike releases commemorative shoe to honor looters

satire nike looter shoe
© The Babylon Bee
Nike has released a commemorative shoe to honor those looting and burning down buildings across the country.

The Nike Loot Force One comes packed with features the company says will help people loot safely and efficiently. From cushioned soles to make sure you make it through shattered windows without getting your feet cut to a detachable swoosh that can be thrown at business owners or police officers like a Batarang, the shoe is the ideal footwear for those looking to incite violent riots and also coincidentally get some free stuff.

"We stand in solidarity with those looting stores and getting free stuff to show how much they care about justice," said a Nike representative. "To that end, we are releasing this $250 pair of shoes some Chinese lady made for 30 cents."

Nike has asked looters, though, to respect Nike stores while wearing the Loot Force Ones. "Please don't steal our shoes while you loot -- let's just say you should 'target' other major corporations."


Immigrant who lived off welfare dies in England

Duke of Edinburgh
© Waterford Whispers
ONE of England's most notorious welfare cheats has died at the age of 99, WWN can report.

Hailed as hero among the welfare cheating classes of Britain, it is believe the Greek born welfare king has made millions out of his schemes and funded his lavish lifestyle which included castles, yachts and cars, all on the taxpayer's dime.

"He tried to hide his immigrant status by Anglicising his name, he gained people's trust after changing it from Battenberg to Mountbatten, he was clearly well versed in the art of conning," confirmed one policeman.

Welfare officials confirmed it was hard to pin down Battenberg as he moved around a lot between his various properties acquired through his welfare scams. It is believed Battenberg's four children, a product of his incestuous marriage to a blood relative, adopted a similar lifestyle and continue to rip off the British taxpayer to this day.


Return to normal: Texas announces they will go back to shooting people wearing masks on the assumption they're stagecoach robbers

texas holdup
In yet another return to normalcy, Texas has announced that effective immediately they will return to their normal mask policy: Anyone wearing a mask is automatically shot, on the assumption that that person is about to rob a stagecoach.

"We done licked that virus good," announced Texas Governor Greg "Tex" Abbott. "Now it's time to get back to protecting our precious, precious stagecoaches. So, if you're wearing a mask -- BAM! Ya dead! Yee-haw!"

Despite Texas having a growing tech sector, the state is still primarily a stagecoach-based economy, with most people in the state making a living from either driving or robbing stagecoaches. The pandemic, with its proliferation of masks, has very much disrupted that industry, and most are happy to have a timeline for things getting back to normal.

"I don't like masks," said stagecoach driver Cam "Tex" Matthews. "But lately, you try to shoot people wearing masks, and some Karen will yell at you. Well, that ends now. If you wear a mask, you'll be answering to ole Betsy here!" Matthews then held up his lever-action rifle and added, "Yee-haw!"

Other states have condemned the announcement by Texas. "It's just too early to talk about going back to normal," said California Governor Gavin Newsom. "Maybe after we're all vaccinated and twenty to forty years have passed with no one getting the virus, then we can talk about taking off masks." Texas responded by saying they may also add a clause about shooting Californians.


Ron DeSantis dyes hair, gets spray tan in preparation for 2024 presidential run

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis unveiled his brand-new presidential bleached hair and spray tan this week, officially kicking off his campaign to run for president in 2024.

"What are you talking about? This is how I've always looked!" said DeSantis to questioning reporters. "And I don't appreciate it, ok? You are fake news. And frankly, it's disgraceful. Some people might even say you're losers, too. Many people are saying that, anyway. Enemies of the people. Sad."

DeSantis then turned in early to practice his grand accordion hand gestures and say "you are fake news" over and over again to the mirror.

Fans of the governor are saying that he's never looked more presidential than he does now, suggesting he could be a "shoe-in" to win in 2024.

"He's just the candidate we're looking for," said Fudd McGillicutty, Florida man. "For some reason that I can't place my finger on, he makes me feel excitement I haven't felt since 2016!"

DeSantis is currently on the hunt for a mild-mannered Christian governor from the Midwest to serve as his running mate.

Comment: Funny because it's true!