Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S

Smiley

Trump forced to wear Hannibal Lecter muzzle for gag order violations

Hannibal Trump
© The Babylon Bee
NEW YORK โ€” Donald Trump was held in contempt of court Monday during his hush money trial for a record tenth time, compelling the judge to force the defendant to wear a restraining mask made popular by Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

"Try violating this gag order, punk!" impartial and incorruptible Judge Juan Merchan said as he signaled the bailiff to muzzle the former president.

"You'll never silence me, me boys!" Trump reportedly said as his freedom of speech was cut off by an unsightly mask.

Several in the court expressed concern that the mask only prevents biting, but still allows talking. "It won't even keep him quiet! What's the point of this thing?" said a spokesperson for the prosecution.

Smiley

New York DA indicts Trump for bringing firefighters pizza but no salad or cheesy bread

Trump and Pizza
© The Babylon Bee
NEW YORK โ€” Former President Donald Trump has been indicted by the New York District Attorney for allegedly bringing firefighters pizza but without a house salad or cheesy bread.

"After a lengthy day in court, former President Trump personally delivered pizzas to New York firefighters without a single leaf of salad or some cheesy bread," declared District Attorney Alvin Bragg. "For the sake of our democracy, he must be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, and then a bit futher."

According to sources close to the investigation, Trump allegedly attempted to feed firefighters without any sides to accompany the delicious fresh pizza. "Has Trump no decency, no shame?" cried MSNBC's Joe Scarborough as he played clips of firefighters shaking Trump's hand. "Look at those firefighters being bamboozled by this charlatan. Not a crouton in sight! Lock him up! Lock him up!"

Smiley

US House votes to protect every country not named the United States

house vote Ukraine funding
In a landmark bipartisan vote, the U.S. House of Representatives has voted to protect every country in the entire world, as long as that country isn't named the United States.

"Huzzah! We've done it!" Exclaimed Democrats and Republicans as they tearfully hugged each other. "Every single nation on the planet can enjoy the total protection of the United States military! Except the United States. We didn't have time to add that to the bill. Maybe later."

The representatives then joyfully called their defense lobbyist donors to tell them the happy news.

"We are proud to fulfill our sacred duty to all the nations everywhere," said Congressman Dan Crenshaw. "Our military now stands at the ready to protect Brazil, India, Australia, Canada, Japan, Germany, Egypt, Mexico, Nigeria, Russia, Italy, Argentina, France, Turkey, South Africa, Indonesia, United Kingdom, Thailand, Spain, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Vietnam, Philippines, Pakistan, South Korea, Bangladesh, Colombia, Poland, Ukraine, Netherlands, Iraq, Belgium, Sweden, Switzerland, Israel, Portugal, Norway, Austria, United Arab Emirates, Malaysia, Venezuela, Nepal, Greece, Czech Republic, Hungary, Denmark, Finland, Ireland, New Zealand, Singapore, Romania, Chile, Algeria, Morocco, Peru, Ecuador, Angola, Sudan, Tunisia, Bolivia, Afghanistan, Yemen, Mozambique, Syria, Cambodia, Zimbabwe, Jordan, Rwanda, Somalia, Haiti, Madagascar, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatia, Serbia, Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia, Slovenia, Kosovo, Georgia, Uruguay, Paraguay, Papua New Guinea, Libya, Qatar, Kuwait, Oman, Bahrain, Trinidad and Tobago, Mauritius, Fiji, Cyprus, Luxembourg, Malta, Iceland, Maldives, Brunei, Guyana, Suriname, and Djibouti."

"Did I leave anyone out? Hm... no, I think that's everyone that matters."

At publishing time, an amendment to add the United States to the bill was shot down.

Smiley

NPR suspends journalist, leading to shocking discovery there was a journalist at NPR

NPR Uri Berliner satire
© The Babylon BeeUri Berliner worked for 25 years at NPR, while avoiding discovery that he was actually a journalist
A journalist and senior editor at National Public Radio has been suspended, leading to the astounding revelation that there was a journalist working at NPR.

Uri Berliner, who has worked at the taxpayer-funded media organization for 25 years, was suspended after he recently wrote an essay exposing how NPR had lost all trust among the nation's public.

"Wow, they had a real journalist at NPR? That's news to me!" said one member of the astonished nation's public. "I thought they were just mellow voices on the radio that told me in a matter-of-fact, upper-crust, college-educated manner what Leftist narrative I was supposed to believe about any given story."

"He was there all that time?" asked one mom from Ohio. "And to think โ€” all this time I thought that they just sat around waiting for Obama and George Soros to tell them what to write. Who knew there was one guy there trying to actually understand and report on factual events in the world? Well, good for that guy."

According to polling data from The National Trust In Media Institute, these sentiments resonated with 90% of Americans who agreed with the statement "NPR's role was to be a news organization that tells you what you are allowed to think about a wide range of stories, including the origin of covid and lab leak theories, the authenticity of the Hunter Biden laptop, and the fault of Israel in any Middle-eastern conflict."

"Out of 87 editors in our D.C. office there were 0 Republicans," wrote Uri before being suspended for pointing out how NPR had zero viewpoint diversity.

At publishing time, National Public Radio reassured the nation that they were still committed to transparent, impartial Leftist journalism.

Smiley

Biden throws tantrum after being called from beach just because World War 3 starting

Biden beach vacation satire
President Biden reportedly lashed out in anger at aides after they interrupted his beach vacation for the potential start of World War 3.

"You interrupted my beach nap...for this?" screamed Biden as he looked at images of Iranian military strikes. "Ugh, what do my generals even do? This is ridiculous."

According to Pentagon sources, with American jets on ready near Israel and ships prepared to help shoot down Iranian missiles, they unfortunately had no choice but to bother President Biden. "We know he really hates when we call him during his beach trips, but sadly a massive war may be starting and he's technically supposed to be here," explained Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin. "Obviously, we would all prefer to let him enjoy his vacation, but unfortunately World Wars do require the President to sign a few things."

Dollars

Biden retaliates against Iran by attaching note to pallet of cash that says 'Please Do Not Use For Terrorism'

Pile of Cash
© Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. โ€” In a swift and decisive response to the drone and missile attack on Israeli targets over the weekend, President Joe Biden retaliated against Iran by attaching a note to the next pallet of cash that reads "PLEASE DO NOT USE FOR TERRORISM."

The note, which was translated into Farsi, was placed in a clearly visible location on the next U.S. shipment of cash being sent to Tehran, with the Biden administration confident that its stern tone would ensure the Iranian regime would know not to use any of the billions of U.S. dollars on terrorism.

"Listen up, folks," Biden said in a brief statement announcing the retaliatory measure. "We're serious. Just as serious as... as serious as... we're just as... we're... well, anyway, in all seriousness. I have personally notified the Iranian government that they are not allowed to use any of this money for terrorism. So, if they're thinking about doing it... I'll just... I'll say... I'm saying... don't."

Smiley

White House: Inflation numbers are great if you hold the chart upside down

inflation chart upside down satire
© The Babylon Bee
With criticism mounting regarding the rate of inflation and the increased cost of basic necessities, the White House announced that inflation is actually doing great if you just hold the chart upside down.

Though families and small businesses have fought to stay above water in a down economy, the Biden administration notified everyone that the stress caused by looking at the rate of inflation could be easily solved by looking at the chart from the opposite direction.

"Problem solved," White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said. "We know the American people are very concerned about rising prices on goods and services, but as you can clearly see in this helpful graph when you turn it upside down, the arrow is actually going down. So from that perspective, inflation is actually dropping rapidly. You're welcome, America."

Media members who were gathered for the daily press briefing marveled at how quickly the administration had solved the inflation crisis. "President Biden can really work magic," said one reporter. "Only moments before, that chart looked quite grim, but by offering the simple solution of turning it upside down, it's obvious that inflation is actually plummeting. Only the Biden administration can provide this type of quick, easy, and effective solution."

When asked if flipping the chart upside down would actually reduce the price of food for struggling families, Jean-Pierre responded, "No comment" and sprinted out of the room.

At publishing time, the White House had also announced that running video footage of the Ukraine-Russia conflict in reverse actually makes it look like Ukrainian cities are being rebuilt.

Doberman

Roger, too playful to be drug-sniffing canine, becomes star of Taiwan quake response

failed drug dog earthquake rescue dog
© Kaohsiung Fire DepartmentRoger, a labrador retriever who failed to become a drug-sniffing dog because he was overly friendly and playful, has won hearts across Taiwan for his detection work in the aftermath of last week's earthquake.
A labrador retriever who failed to become a drug sniffing dog because he was overly friendly and playful has won hearts across Taiwan for his detection work in the aftermath of last week's 7.4-magnitude earthquake.

Rescue dogs play a crucial role in helping to locate both stranded people and bodies, and teams of capable canines were quickly deployed by Taiwanese authorities after last Wednesday's deadly tremor.

The quake that hit the island's rugged eastern coast, Taiwan's strongest in 25 years, triggered deadly landslides in a scenic national park and caused several buildings to partially collapse.

Roger, 8, was among the dogs put to work, helping to locate the body of one of the 13 people killed in the quake, according to authorities and local media.

Smiley

Judge orders Trump to stop noticing that the people trying to jail him are Democrats

Judge Juan Merchan Trump
© CopyrightNew York State Judge Juan Merchan and Donald Trump
In a devastating blow for the defense, State Judge Juan Merchan has ordered Donald Trump to immediately cease noticing that the only people trying to put him in jail are Democrats.

"Quiet you!" Judge Merchan told Trump in court. "Stop mentioning that everyone in the legal system who is trying to imprison you just so happens to be a member of the Democrat party. It is completely irrelevant."

"All instances of Trump noticing this fact will be met with serious legal consequences, which will be administered by Democrats."

The expanded gag order comes on the heels of an initial order prohibiting Trump from blowing raspberries at members of the press during hearings.

In an expert display of 4D chess, Trump has pivoted to talking directly about the gag order, bringing it up nearly every time he speaks, causing everyone to be reminded of how everyone trying to lock him up are Democrats.

In a new pinned post on Truth Social, Trump said, "The court has ordered me NOT to discuss how everyone trying to put me in jail is a Democrat and I will honor that request ;)"

Though prosecutors have demanded Trump stop exploiting the obvious loophole in his gag order, Judge Merchan was forced to admit that there was "nothing in the rules that says he can't talk about the gag order."

At publishing time, Trump had been hit with a new order requiring him to be fitted with an actual gag.

Smiley

Trump ups Mar-A-Lago worth to $500M by hanging up 3 Hunter Biden paintings

Hunter biden paintings mar-a-lago
© The Babylon Bee
4D Chess!

Mar-a-Lago is now worth upwards of $500 million after former President Donald Trump announced he had hung up three paintings by renowned artist Hunter Biden.

Trump held a special unveiling party for supporters at Mar-a-Lago's Donald J. Trump Grand Ballroom. The three paintings shown were "Some Colors," "Paint On Canvas," and "Look, A Bird."

"They tell me I overvalued this place but, if anything, I undervalued it," Trump told supporters. "But now they can't argue with me because I've got Hunter here. Everyone says 'Where's Hunter? Where is he?' Well, he's here, folks. We've got Hunter Biden here at Mar-a-Lago and it's a beautiful thing."

"They're absolutely fantastic paintings, let me tell you. Definitely not a bunch of random colors thrown on a canvas to launder money."

After the unveiling, the former president toured the property with a real estate appraiser. Sources confirm the tour was cut short when he became entranced by one of the Hunter Biden paintings.

"Beautiful," Trump reportedly whispered. "So majestic."

At publishing time, Donald Trump had been sued for undervaluing the Mar-a-Lago estate.