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Clarence the Angel shows Gavin Newsom what California would look like if he'd never been born


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 16 Dec 2023 20:21 UTC
gavin newsom clarence angel satire california florida
© The Babylon Bee
Fresh off the case of George Bailey, Clarence the Angel embarked on a new mission over the weekend to show California Governor Gavin Newsom what California could be like if he'd never been born.

"I just picked him up and flew him over to Florida," Clarence explained. "Easiest job I've ever had."

Earlier in the day, residents had observed Newsom wandering the streets of San Francisco, muttering to himself about the futility of life. "I was supposed to be President! I was supposed to be the guy!" cried out Newsom. "Instead, I've spent my days toiling away in California -- and now, looking around at this crummy little state, what do I have to show for it? What has it all been for??"

It was then that Clarence the Angel descended to Gavin Newsom's side, arriving to visibly show Newsom the fruits of his life's work. "You're going to be given a great gift, Gavin - to see what California would look like if you had never been born!" exclaimed Clarence as they arrived in Florida. "Look at the unvarnished beauty of nature, walk the streets free of feces, see the livelihoods unruined, hear the laughter of children allowed to live! You see Gavin, each man's life touches so many other lives. See all the wonderful things that don't exist because of you? It really is a wonderful life here in Florida, isn't it?"

At publishing time, Newsom had reportedly taken the vision to heart, renewing his vow to become President so he could make Florida look just like California.
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Smiley

California gingerbread house listed on Zillow for $1.9 Million


The Babylon Bee
Sun, 17 Dec 2023 20:17 UTC
gingerbread house zillow listing
© The Babylon Bee
A gingerbread house in California has received several offers after being listed on Zillow for a mere $1.9 million.

"This charming, two-square-foot gingerbread home comes tastefully appointed and is priced to sell," stated the listing. "With breathtaking views of someone else's living room, this gorgeous estate won't be on the market long!"

According to realtor Lisa Markham, the gingerbread house is a new construction completed by 12-year-old Bella Dawson with significant help from her mother. "This custom-built gingerbread house is truly one of a kind," said Markham. "Featuring frosted windows, well-established icing trees, and a gumdrop roofline, you will feel the upscale nature of the gingerbread home from the moment you see it. Welcome to your next home!"

Sources report that over a dozen offers have already been made, including from local newlyweds John and Kelly Reasons. "We've been desperately waiting for a more affordable home to come on the market," said John. "We'll still try to negotiate a couple things, like cleaning up the icing drips on the window sills -- but this is the best option we've seen in L.A. in years."

At publishing time, the home had dropped in price to $1.4 million after the Dawson's puppy ate the back half of the house.
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Smiley

Oil rich countries celebrate COP28 agreement by showering crowd in oil


Waterford Whispers News
Wed, 13 Dec 2023 17:56 UTC
COP28 in Dubai
© Waterford Whispers News
THE EXCITEMENT was clear for all to the at the COP28 summit, as a landmark deal to transition away from fossil fuel was agreed, greeted by wild celebrations among oil rich Arab states who showered attendees with oil like they were celebrating an F1 Grand Prix win.

"We did it! I might have just said not 48 hours ago that there's no science behind the idea fossil fuels contribute to climate change but you can definitely believe me when I say oil producing nations, like the UAE, will totally commit to this non-binding bullshit I helped put together," head of COP28 the UAE's Sultan Al Jaber told WWN.

"What, was this not something agreed before at Kyoto or Paris? Wait, these clowns are only starting this process now?" said one worried parent, who turned to their child to tell them now might be the time to seek out higher ground before millions of climate refugees get their first.
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Smiley

Hunter Biden indicted for not paying taxes on his bribes


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 09 Dec 2023 21:02 UTC
hunter and joe biden
© Teresa Kroeger/Getty Images for World Food Program USA
Hunter Biden is being charged on 9 counts of evading taxes on his international bribery schemes, according to an indictment filed in Los Angeles on Thursday.

"The President's son made millions on foreign bribes and used the money for illegal drugs and underage sex trafficking. That's all well and good, but then he failed to pay his taxes," said a spokesperson for the DOJ. "Keeping money that is due to the government is the most heinous of all crimes and should be dealt with swiftly and without mercy."

Official sources confirmed that Hunter became wealthy by exchanging national secrets and special favors to America's enemies in exchange for crack and underage sex-slave money, in addition to wiring money to President Joe Biden. Unfortunately, he did this without keeping perfect tax records, making him the lowest of criminals.

"Rest assured, this horrific act will not go without a slight fine and scolding from the judge," said Attorney General Merrick Garland. "This man must be brought to justice."

At publishing time, President Biden had claimed to have no knowledge of the case or of this man named "Hunter."
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Smiley

Climate activists' private planes freeze themselves to runway in powerful protest


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 04 Dec 2023 19:39 UTC
private jet frozen munich airport runway climate satire change conference
"Stunning and brave!"
In a beautiful act of protest, the private planes of several climate activists stuck themselves to the runway with giant sheets of ice.

Continuing climate activists' preferred method of protest, the planes apparently glued themselves to the runway with ice to prevent activists from traveling to a climate change conference in Dubai. "These planes really nailed the holy grail of climate change protests, both sticking themselves to an object and obstructing transportation," said local man Hans Meyer. "Their climate activist owners have taught them well -- perhaps too well."

According to sources, hundreds of extraordinarily wealthy climate activists were scheduled to meet in Dubai to discuss what the poors are doing to the climate. Four hundred private jets were expected at the Dubai International Airport, where individual SUV motorcades would shuttle each activist to one of the most posh hotels on the planet. Asked why the activists did not meet over Zoom to help the climate, the activists reportedly responded, "You must be one of the poors, aren't you?"

At publishing time, climate activists had vowed to always keep their plane heaters running in the future to prevent such protests.
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Smiley

Child grooming content on X drops by 83% after Disney pulls ads


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 02 Dec 2023 19:37 UTC
disney twitter
© The Babylon Bee
The content safety team for the social media site X (formerly Twitter) has announced major progress in fighting child grooming on the platform. According to their statistics, child grooming content on Elon Musk's social media app has plummeted by 83% since Disney pulled ads in an effort to boycott X.

"X is safer from abhorrent content aimed at sexualizing children now that Disney is out of the picture," said the Content Safety Officer, "We're seeing a reduction in gender confusion, trans ideology, and creeps telling kids to ignore their parents and just do whatever they want. A huge win for all involved."

In contrast, Disney announced plans to scale back much of its entertainment production funding, as it has been having trouble finding new venues in which to groom kids.

At publishing time, the X content safety team had announced a dangerous spike in hate-filled screeching after Keith Olbermann started tweeting again.
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Smiley

Things we'd like to see Henry Kissinger reincarnated as


Waterford Whispers News
Thu, 30 Nov 2023 20:41 UTC
Kissinger
© Waterford Whispers News
RICHARD NIXON and Gerald Ford's former secretary of state Henry Kissinger has died, prompting a full review ordered into Karma's handling of his case due to the fact the prolific war criminal lived to the age of 100.

While Kissinger is widely believed to be taking over the running of Hell from Satan himself, it is WWN's humble opinion that the man responsible for countless deaths in Cambodia, Vietnam and Lao among other countries would be more suited to being reincarnated as the following:

Chief-tester of Laotian fields filled with unexploded US cluster bombs. When he's done with that, he will move on to testing if samples of Agent Orange work.

The much used sock under the bed of porn-addicted college student seems fitting for a serial wiretapper of journalist's phones.

Lobster with responsibility for insuring the water temperature in every pot in every kitchen in the known universe is boiling hot.
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Arrow Down

Men pretending to be women go to lunch with man pretending to be Catholic


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 22 Nov 2023 18:58 UTC
Pope and Trans
© The Babylon Bee
VATICAN CITY — A group of men pretending to be women were invited to the Vatican today to share a special lunch with a man pretending to be Catholic.

"It's a match made in pretend heaven," said local man Angelo Russo as he threw on a dress. "Let's go ladies!"

According to sources at the Vatican, Pope Francis personally scheduled the make-believe playdate. "Haha, look at me, I'm Catholic!" laughed Pope Francis as he welcomed the men in wigs. "Hee-hee, isn't this fun? Oh look! Here comes my favorite priest Father Rupnik, pretending to not be a serial abuser. What fun!"
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Smiley

San Francisco mayor reminds everyone to get their Christmas shoplifting done early


The Babylon Bee
Sun, 19 Nov 2023 20:42 UTC
San Francisco mayor London Breed satire
San Francisco mayor London Breed sharing helpful holiday tips
With Christmas just around the corner, Mayor London Breed of San Francisco encouraged residents to get their shoplifting done early this year.

"Hard to believe the looting season is already upon us!" said Mayor Breed. "We are encouraging all residents to begin shoplifting for Christmas before everything, including the stores themselves, are shuttered and gone!"

Though typically last-minute shoplifters, local couple Jared and Stacey Adams said they would be committing grand larceny much earlier this year. "I waited until Christmas Eve last year and every store in the city had been cleared out and turned into safe injection sites for hobos," said Mr. Adams. "This year, I'm going out with my crowbar the moment Thanksgiving dinner is over. Gosh, it seems like the season for knocking over Apple Stores gets earlier every year, doesn't it?"

With many of San Francisco's hobos temporarily stuffed in closets due to hosting President Xi, the Mayor advised citizens to start burglarizing local businesses right away. "This is a rare opportunity for San Franciscans to perform coordinated smash-and-grabs on nice, clean streets," said Mayor Breed. "We hope everyone will take advantage of this rare chance for a less-crowded looting experience."

At publishing time, Mayor Breed was seen following her own advice as she carefully picked out $949 worth of Macy's merchandise for friends and family.
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Doberman

Airline serves 'dog food' to business class passengers in translation blunder

Benjamin Parker
The Independent
Mon, 20 Nov 2023 08:39 UTC
imported dog food menu
The food served on planes doesn't have the best reputation at the best of times, but even the most iron-stomached among passengers might think twice before ordering a mistranslated menu option on a recent flight.

A photo taken by a passenger on a China Eastern Airlines plane shows the menu for those flying in business class, which includes beef, seafood and soup dishes.

But one unfortunate English translation has got people talking. Among the choices for a starter is "imported dog food with okra".

Conrad Wu shared the image on Facebook, asking: "What exactly is it?"
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