Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Customers unaware of AT&T network outage since they're used to not having cell signal

cell phone users AT&T
No bars for AT&T—just a normal day
AT&T customers were surprised to learn there was a network outage affecting most of the company's subscribers this Thursday. Customers noted that they are so accustomed to not having a functioning cell signal that they didn't notice anything was amiss.

"I woke up to zero bars on my AT&T cell phone," said local resident and AT&T subscriber Bruno Knoll. "I didn't have any emails, texts, voicemails, or notifications from Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter. So yeah, it seemed like a pretty normal day."

Knoll said he didn't notice something was amiss until he completed his commute to work. "There's one spot on my commute where I can usually get an AT&T signal if I swerve onto the shoulder and turn the radio off," he noted. "Normally, all my notifications come in at once when I hit that spot... as long as it's not raining. It was sunny this morning, but I still got nothing."

A spokesperson for AT&T confirmed that the company is working as fast as it can to restore its mediocre cellular network. However, he noted that efforts may take some time since all of their employees are forced to use AT&T phones, and thus there was no way for teams to communicate in the field.

At publishing time, the official AT&T Twitter account confirmed it had restored approximately 75% of its cellular network, which covers approximately 8% of its subscriber base.


Biden says he can't remember a single time when his memory has failed him

joe biden confused
President Biden lashed out at critics who questioned his cognitive ability Thursday, telling reporters at the White House that he can't remember a single time when his memory failed him.

"Don't you think I would know if I were having memory problems?" the president asked. "I'm as sharp as a tack, Jack. I've got no cognitive issues whatsoever. My memory is as perfect as it was back in 2024 when I was president."

"Also, don't you think I'd know if I were having memory problems? People with memory problems mix up names, dates, and places," he noted. "They wander around aimlessly all day with clueless looks on their faces. I even heard of one extreme case where a guy confused Egypt with Mexico. Now, THAT'S a person you should be talking to about memory problems!"

The president then raised his hand to ask a question, seemingly unaware that he was leading the press conference. Shortly thereafter, a reporter asked Biden to comment on his portrayal as a "sympathetic, well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory" in last week's special counsel report.

"Look, I don't know that guy, so I'm not going to speculate on what was said in the report," Biden noted. "What I will say is this: Our country is at a critical crosswalk. If you have trouble figuring out whether you're for me or Donald Rumsfeld, well, then you ain't black. So please, when you drive into that voting booth in November of 2020, vote for Joe Biden."


White House staffers lock nukes with new security question: 'Which of these images shows Mexico'

biden egypt mexico captcha nuclear codes
© The Babylon Bee
White House staffers have — à propos of no particular newsworthy event — decided to upgrade the security system surrounding America's nuclear arsenal. Specifically, they have locked the nuclear codes behind a series of security questions, chief among them being, "Which of these images shows Mexico?"

Staffers say any President, no matter how unsenile, must answer the security question if they want access to the arsenal, and that this measure has nothing to do with President Biden's impeccable performance at the press conference last night.

"President Biden is super smart and alive, so he'll have no problem knowing where Mexico is, or Egypt haha," said White House Chief of Staff Ron Klain. "Nor will the President have any issues when asked to list how many children he has, or what his name is. You know, typical security questions to keep out the bots."

At publishing time, Russia had nuked America because Biden had failed the nuclear arsenal's final security question asking, "Are you a vegetable? Pick YES or NO."

Mr. Potato

Biden calls for the president to step down

Biden confused
After the shock of a Special Counsel report that characterized the President as mentally incompetent to stand trial, Biden has joined the growing chorus of voices in calling for the President to step down. "President Hoover needs to do the right thing. He's in over his head. Can't even do his job right," said Biden to the nurse administering him his daily medications. "Eisenhower is an honorable man, and he needs to do the honorable thing. I was speaking with Emperor Hirohito about it just last Saturwednesday. Blamflibbernuzzit!" At publishing time, Republicans had drafted a resolution in support of the President's call for the President to step down.

Mr. Potato

Journalists confused by journalist doing journalism

tucker carlson moscow satire
© CopyrightEmergency counselling sessions are currently being scheduled in major newsrooms .
Journalists across the country expressed a combination of outrage and confusion after a video surfaced online of a journalist doing journalism.

According to sources, the video, posted on social media platform X, shows known journalist Tucker Carlson wilfully and recklessly engaging in actual journalism without any regard for the damage that may be caused by such a wanton display.

"We're not sure what this guy thinks he's doing," said one New York Times columnist who asked to remain anonymous. "He's out here investigating and searching for the truth and interviewing world leaders on important geopolitical topics. Wild, unrestrained journalism. It's dangerous, really. Digging for information and conducting interviews and just... reporting what he's learned and putting it out there for people to see it? Are you serious?!"

With Carlson's much-anticipated interview with Russian President Vladimir Putin soon to be released to the public, mainstream journalists prepared for the worst. "I wouldn't even know what to do in that situation," said one CNN correspondent under the condition of anonymity. "Look, I'm a journalist, but at no point would I ever entertain the notion of, you know... doing journalism. That's beyond the pale. I don't think anyone could predict the consequences of doing such a thing. This Tucker guy is insane."

At publishing time, journalists throughout the media industry were sheltering in place in preparation for the Putin interview, unsure if the world as they knew it would even exist the following day after a journalist threw caution to the wind and did journalism.


Daily Mail struggling to link Meghan Markle to King Charles' cancer

Daily Mail Staff
© Waterford Whispers News
"I'M NOT sure anyone will believe the voodoo angle, Jane, but it's great you guys are thinking outside the box," Daily Mail editor Jeremy Waynes told his team at a crisis meeting held this afternoon in Daily Mail HQ.

The 'all-hands-on-deck' meeting was called after Britain's most revered tabloid's struggled to find a link between King Charles's recent cancer diagnosis and public enemy number one, Meghan Markle.

"The stress angle is too broad, guys, we need to pinpoint this right on her smug little American head," Waynes elaborated once again, getting annoyed now that there isn't really much to connect the two, as though Markle was winning this one. "Okay people, all I know is she's out there laughing at us now and hoping that Harry will take the thrown somehow".


Joe Biden sees shadow, attempts to shake its hand

joe biden groundhog day
Organizers of the Presidential Groundhog Day Celebration report President Biden did, in fact, see his shadow after emerging from the West Wing late Tuesday Morning and immediately attempted to shake its hand.

"Hey lookathat," Biden commented to no one in particular. "It's old Bill whatshisname. C'mere Bill, let me shake your hand. Where'd you go, Bill?"

White House staff spent the better part of the morning trying to corral the President back indoors after photographers caught Biden chasing his own shadow around the historic Rose Garden with his arm awkwardly outstretched. At one point, Jill Biden grabbed her husband by the arm and escorted him away from the front gates.

"The President was definitely not trying to shake the hand of his shadow," White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre commented. "He was just getting a little morning exercise like all the young, energetic, totally alive presidents before him have done. He would never mistake his own shadow for say, an old college roommate. That's a vicious right-wing lie."

As of publishing time, Biden had predicted another 6 weeks of 'winterburgenphdtughergh' before heading inside for a five-hour nap.


Joe Biden proclaims 'Black history is just as important as normal people history'

joe biden confused
President Biden expressed his support for African American history at a kick-off celebration for Black History Month by telling those gathered he believes black history is just as important as normal people history.

"In this Black History Month, I would like to wish a very happy anniversary to all black people. Black history is important. It's just as important as normal history, if not more important," Biden said. "Blacks are just as good as normals. I've always said that since my black son died in Vietnam. Not a joke. Well, anyway..."

Biden then entertained the crowd by telling them about when he single-handedly started the civil rights movement and how he remembers fondly all the poor kids he helped get out of poverty who went on to become just as bright as their normal counterparts.

"Black history is all of our history," Biden said. "Well, I guess it's not the history of the Mexicans because they get a month too. And the 7-Eleven employees, they also get a month. But it's the history of America, and it's just as important as the history of the normal people of our country."

As of publishing time, Biden was seen wandering around the event stage in an attempt to find the exit before yelling out to the crowd that he felt tired and needed to find a good soft place to take an afternoon nap.


Biden cleverly distracts from Texas civil war by starting world war

joe Biden
Joe Biden
As tensions between the federal government and 25 red states over securing the border continued to stoke fears of another Civil War, President Biden cleverly distracted a concerned American public by announcing the start of a new World War.

"It's time to bomb Iran!" said the President to a bowl of melted ice cream on his nightstand. "Those whipper-snappers have been living on borrowed time ever since they chased me and the boys around the pool with switchblades. And if that doesn't do the trick, we'll bomb Russia and China as well. Not a joke!"

Many critics who overheard the conversation questioned the wisdom of such a move, but some in the Republican Party applauded the President's firm stance. "Did someone say 'bomb Iran?'" said Senator Lindsey Graham. "Ooooh baby, I usually wait until the third date for that kind of talk! Is it hot in here?"

Former National Security Advisor John Bolton also applauded the move. "There's nothing I love more than waking up in the morning to the news that we're bombing someone," he said over a breakfast of raw fish being tossed directly into his mouth. He then clapped and grunted loudly.

Experts predict that a Biden World War with a nuclear Iran might take the public's minds off Civil War for at least a couple of weeks. After that, the administration may be forced to activate Taylor Swift.


Texas plants razor wire around the Alamo for final stand against Biden

alamo razorwire white house satire
© The Babylon Bee
With the Biden administration challenging Texas' right to defend its own border, Governor Abbott has ordered razor wire placed around The Alamo in preparation for a final stand against the feds.

"This is why we remember The Alamo," said Governor Abbott as the wire was unrolled. "Because you never know when a senile President will refuse to allow us to defend our border from invasion. Also, because it's a really handy marker if you get lost in downtown San Antonio. The Riverwalk gets so confusing."

Though some questioned Governor Abbott placing The Alamo at the heart of his defenses, Texas has rallied around the governor's plan. "Sure, the Alamo fell once," admitted local woman Mandy Timmons. "But Davy Crockett didn't have razor wire, or a massive, heavily-armed citizenry. I like our chances."

According to surveys, Texans have for decades now been praying for something to finally trigger secession. "Pretty much every Texan wants to secede, we just needed a reason," explained local man Raul Gonzales. "It always seemed like secession would be such a hassle, what with all the paperwork. I'm so glad we finally got the little nudge we needed."

At publishing time, dozens of Texans had reported that the ghost of Davy Crockett had been seen lurking on The Alamo walls at night, watching the horizon.