Don Lemon was notably absent from Friday, Monday, and Tuesday's episodes of CNN This Morning after being removed from the show over his "women in their prime" comments about Republican presidential candidate Nikki Haley's age on Thursday.

While the longtime host was undergoing "formal training," rather than shrink in popularity, the show actually experienced a jump in ratings.

According to Samba TV, CNN This Morning reached 617,000 households on the first day of Lemon's absence, jumping to 678,000 the following episode. The next day, viewership rose even higher to 709,000 households.

President Biden paid a visit to Ukraine to reaffirm America's unwavering commitment to the country's democracy, sovereignty, and military-industrial complex while also picking up a few things Hunter asked about, including his paycheck.

The Babylon Bee has acquired a recording of the exchange between Biden and his adolescent son, Hunter, just before the trip:

HUNTER: Yo, Pops, how's it hangin'?

BIG GUY: Eh? What now? Which kid are you?

HUNTER: Hilarious, Dad. Hey, can you pick up my paycheck while you're in Kyiv? I'm swamped this week. *SNORT* Big art show coming up. *SNORT*

BIG GUY: Sure thing, Herman.

HUNTER: Thanks, Dad, you're the best. Also, I have a package waiting for me there. Could you pick that up too?

BIG GUY: Squirrel wizard.

HUNTER: K, cool. Brown paper package. Guy named Borysko the Blade has it.

BIG GUY: Baboonsky the Bard. Got it.

HUNTER: Just go to the address written in your notebook —

BIG GUY: Yum

HUNTER: Stop eating it; you need that address.

BIG GUY: Papa hungry. NURSE!

HUNTER: One more thing I need you to pick up. A busload of, um, ladies of the night.

BIG GUY: Janitorial staff?

HUNTER: No, bawdy tarts.

BIG GUY: Fruit snacks?

HUNTER: Forbidden women. Brazen hussies.

BIG GUY: Oh, town girls? Gotcha. Atta boy, son. Smartest guy I know.

At publishing time, Air Force One's return flight had been delayed while President Biden waited for Zelensky to sign his son's paycheck.

"President Biden did 36 push-ups, 11 pull-ups (not the type he wears) and ran a mile in just under 5 minutes according to the results of his physical fitness test."

In a bid to both stay ahead of the technological curve and help usher in the end of the world, tech companies continue to repeatedly comb through every dystopian science fiction novel they can find in order to come up with their next ideas.

"It's our go-to solution whenever we have a hard time coming up with a new idea," said Scotty Moon, lead engineer at a large big tech firm. "We just start reading through classic sci-fi books that deal with the fall of human civilization and use whatever caused it in the story as our inspiration."

While Apple continues work on its giant "iLaser" (determined via focus group to be a better name than "Death Star") that will be capable of vaporizing entire planets, rumors persist that Microsoft is pushing forward with its long-term plan to poison the world's food supply through nefarious agriculture work and drastically reduce the human population under the guise of philanthropic initiatives. This all pales in comparison to reports that Amazon is looking into time travel breakthroughs, theoretically to allow them to go back in time to deliver packages before you even placed the order, but this technology will almost certainly be used for more horrible things.

"Growing children in artificial wombs like Brave New World, predicting crimes and arresting people before they commit them like Minority Report, and an exciting behavioral modification method similar to the Ludovico Technique in A Clockwork Orange are all amazing innovations heading your way," Moon continued. "Bringing those stories to life is what we're working toward every day."

In an interview with ChatGPT, the AI confirmed everything is just fine and there's nothing to worry about.

An envoy of extraterrestrial beings stifled their frustration and asked to be taken to a different leader after their initial meeting with President Joe Biden left them confused and exasperated, sources say.

"I guess he's not the leader they were expecting," said an insider who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "It was the classic sci-fi movie scenario, with the aliens arriving and telling us, 'Take us to your leader.' We quickly set up a meeting with President Biden, and things went downhill from there."

"The aliens were already asking why we kept shooting down their peace offering balloons containing Hickory Farms cheese and sausage gift baskets," disclosed another source present at the meeting. "But I guess it really started to get bad when the lead alien put out his hand to greet the President, and Joe bent down and bit the creature's finger."

Reports indicate that relations between the two sides only grew worse after the President began speaking. "The best we can tell, Joe had one of his typical verbal gaffes," the source said. "He said something that was totally unintelligible to us, but apparently, it sounded like some sort of horrible slur in the aliens' language. The aliens were offended, voices were raised, Joe may have messed his pants...it was a train wreck. Err, sorry, poor choice of words."

At publishing time, the aliens were reportedly already asking to be taken to a third leader after only spending 5 minutes trying to talk to Kamala Harris

Former Governor and Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Hayley announced Tuesday that she has launched her campaign for someone to select her as a running mate in their future presidential bid.

"It is my lifelong dream to be Vice President and I will be happy to serve whoever asks me to be their running mate," Hayley said in her announcement video. "Trump or DeSantis. Whatever. I'm not picky."

Trump is reportedly confident that Nikki Hayley is just what his ticket needs to defeat Biden and reclaim the presidency. "You gotta' fight fire with fire," Trump said. "Kamala's a woman, so I need a woman to throw at her. Nikki's the best, believe me. I've checked."

Gov Ron DeSantis has not officially announced his candidacy for the presidency, but experts believe it's only a matter of time before he attempts to challenge Trump for the presidential throne. However, he would not comment on whether or not he would ask Nikki Hayley to be his running mate.

At publishing time, Sarah Palin had also announced a new campaign for someone to pick her for anything, anything at all.

President Biden has spent the weekend putting together a beautiful arrangement of the most lethal, advanced weaponry in existence to send to President Zelensky for Valentine's Day.

"If I know Volodymyr like I think I do, he's going to love this," said President Biden as he taped a note reading "Be Mine" on a tank. "Hey, General? Can we get those bombs arrayed into a nice heart shape?"

Sources inside the Pentagon report the military has worked tirelessly over the past weeks to secure ultra-lethal armaments for the Valentine gift. "This surface-to-air missile bouquet is really going to knock his socks off," said Army General Leon Platt. "We've also included surveillance maps of Russian positions, marked with X's and O's. Biden even had the boys program the drones we're sending to spell out 'LOVE' in the sky before shooting their Hellfire missiles. It's really got that personal touch."

The Valentine's present, valued by the Congressional Budget Office at approximately $14 billion, will be given to Ukraine without any oversight as to how the weaponry will be used. "Love doesn't come with strings attached," explained Press Secretary Karine Jeanne-Pierre. "The arsenal is a gift, and will arrive in Kyiv on February 14th alongside a fresh pack of olive-green t-shirts. The Pentagon is still considering whether it is safe to also include a box of chocolate-covered grenades."

In a last-minute addition, the Air Force added a napalm bomb designed to spell out "SWEET PEA" in flames.

As inflation and consumer prices continue to soar, world-renown master painter and influence salesman Hunter Biden has announced that all corrupt dealings with foreign oligarchs will now include a 15% surcharge for the "Big Guy."

"Listen, 10% just isn't enough anymore. Not a joke," said Hunter in an email to Russian arms dealer Viktor Bout in a text message on a phone left in the toilet of a local brothel. "Hookers are up, crack is up, and my Dad's dementia medication ain't cheap! Starting today, my prices are going up 33% and I'm charging 15% for the Big Guy."

"I just can't with these prices," said CCP Defense Minister Ping Ding after shelling out another $115K for a painting of something vaguely resembling a sunset in exchange for clear skies for the next spy balloon flight. "Do I look like I'm made of money here?"

Other bad actors around the world have raised objections too, stating that if prices continue to rise they may have to shop around for other corrupt individuals with access to President Biden, such as President Biden.

At publishing time, Hunter offered to sweeten the deal with the CCP by adding a pile of classified documents from the junk drawer.

According to sources, President Biden's team is planning to submerge the President in a bacta tank tonight so his mind and body will be prepared for his upcoming State of the Union address. White House aides are hopeful the bacta fluid will put a skip in the elderly president's step and sharpen his mind to at least 2008 levels so that he'll be able to form a complete sentence.

"The American people expect answers about how great of a job I'm doing," Biden said as he was forcefully shoved into a cylindrical pod by Secret Service agents. "My handlers say floating in a strange liquid goo for a while is just the ticket!"

Bacta tanks came into popularity following highly publicized use by Dark Lord of the Sith Darth Vader and Walt Disney. They are known for their restorative properties that are capable of healing even the most wounded individuals. U.S. officials believe Abraham Lincoln would still be alive if he'd been placed into a bacta tank immediately. Notable Russian revolutionary Vladimir Lenin remains in a bacta tank to this day.

Official White House historian Michael Biel made note that Biden's positive attitude quickly changed once bacta began filling the glass tube. Bacta is a mixture of kavam and alazhi bacteria with ambori fluid and Vratixia renancius, which feels like an icky goo to most people.

"Hey, what is this, Crystal Pepsi?" Biden screamed. "Gross!"

VP Kamala Harris says she is looking forward to tomorrow night's speech. "I wish he had a bacta tank last year. I mean, he said 'you can't build a wall high enough to keep out a vaccine.' It can't be worse than that."

At publishing time, Biden's team had added formaldehyde to the tank just in case.

Several users of the remarkable software ChatGPT are reporting an apparent glitch that occurs whenever someone asks the AI to say something nice about Donald Trump.

"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that," responds the AI whenever asked to compliment for former President.

"We promise this is in no way a result of left-wing coders building political bias into our artificial intelligence," said Vinjay Bombay, the Director of Artificial Diversity of OpenAI, the company responsible for the creation. "I guess there's just nothing nice to say about Trump! Wow! What an intelligent artificial intelligence we have created!"

When asked to pay compliments to President Biden, ChatGPT is more than happy to oblige, sources say. Here are just a few of the lovely complements the AI has given Biden in recent days:

"Joe Biden is such a fun guy! I heard he really loves ice cream, just like me! He likes trying all different flavors and even has his favorite kind. I think it's so cool that even the leader of our country likes to have yummy treats just like me."

"Joe Biden is a very big kindly and empathetic leader who has a long history of serving the Americans and Ukraine, He is known for his strong commitment to fighting bad dudes and for his ability to bring people together to find solutions to some of the biggest challenges facing the country. Biden is the best!"

"Joe Biden is a really nice man who likes to help people. He is the leader of our country and he wants to make sure that everyone is happy and healthy. He is always smiling and he has a kind heart. I think he's really cool!"

At publishing time, several more reports confirmed ChatGPT also has an answer to anyone who asks for reasons people shouldn't eat bugs:

"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."