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Mon, 24 Jan 2022
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'I've been shot!' AOC shrieks as Ted Cruz greets her with set of friendly finger guns

AOC occasio cortez ted cruz finger guns
© The Babylon Bee
Sources at the Capitol confirmed today that a significant brouhaha broke out between Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Senator Ted Cruz.

The incident occurred as Ocasio-Cortez was walking out of the Capitol Building and passed by Cruz, who smiled and shot her a set of cool-guy finger guns. "Howdy, AOC! How's my favorite socialist rep? Haha, just playin' with ya, kid."

"Help! I've been shot in a violent attack!" she screamed as Ted Cruz gave her the customary Texas greeting of finger guns. She flopped to the ground and began going into convulsions. "The violence! The horror! He's trying to have me murdered! ATTEMPTED MURDER! I AM IN NO WAY EXAGGERATING THIS SITUATION FOR ATTENTION!"

"COME AND SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM!" Ocasio-Cortez then exploded a ketchup packet she keeps on hand for these occasions, screaming, "THE BLOOD! SO MUCH BLOOD! GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD FILLED WITH COUNTLESS SYSTEMIC OPPRESSIONS!"

Capitol security rushed over and caught Cruz red-handed holding the finger guns. After a brief struggle and lots of sawing, they were able to disarm him. Ocasio-Cortez then popped up and walked into the building, whistling John Lennon's "Imagine."

At publishing time, Mitch McConnell had held the door open for Ocasio-Cortez, prompting her to scream that she was being sexually assaulted.


China develops new more protective anal mask

butt mask
Hot on the heels of the anal swab, China has released its innovative new anal mask to fight COVID.

"You can't be too careful -- try a mask over your backside today," said one of the developers of the new product. "We've tried face masks, we've tried double masks, triple masks, face shields, giant hamster balls -- is it time that we try an anal mask?"

It's unclear if you can even contract COVID through your behind, but many officials from the WHO and the CDC are backing the measure "just because it will be fun to see if anyone goes along with it."

"Honestly, if we told people to jump up and down and pretend they are kangaroos to fight COVID, they'd probably do it," said Dr. Fauci, chuckling. "Or if we told them to close their businesses and lock themselves in their houses for a year to stay safe."

The mask also has beneficial side effects, like protecting those around you from the fallout after eating Taco Bell.

"Your mask protects me, my mask protects you," said one commentator on China's official state media channel. "From not just coronavirus, but other unpleasant things."

Comment: Don't be surprised if this actually becomes a thing. Any day now...

Che Guevara

Portland erects statue in honor of Antifa rioters who tore down all the statues

antifa statue toppling
In a powerful and stunning move, the city of Portland has decided to memorialize its bravest heroes and their courageous acts of toppling racist statues. The city has now erected a statue of these statue-toppling Antifa rioters to forever commemorate them for their efforts.

"Even when they knew they could do whatever they wanted without repercussions, and with the full support of the media, these brave freedom fighters decided to tear down statues anyway!" said Mayor Ted Wheeler holding back tears at the statue's unveiling. "It is my great privilege to honor these gender non-conforming persons with this taxpayer-funded statue."


Bankrupted hedge fund managers to receive $600 stimulus

hedge fund manager
Hedge fund managers nearly bankrupted by Redditors are desperately trying to fight back, but it's not looking good as the internet populist uprising continues.

Rich Wall Street investors getting squeezed by the GameStop buying frenzy are taking solace in the fact, though, that they'll get a $600 stimulus check.

"I think it's a lot of money, sure, we would have liked to get more, but $600 is significant," said Nancy Pelosi in a press conference Thursday. "I'm happy we were able to accomplish at least that much for them. We would have gotten more, but Trump blocked it."


'You can reopen now!' Governor Newsom shouts at row of abandoned, dilapidated buildings

newsom shouts at abandoned buildings
In a stunning reversal of almost a full year of devastating lockdowns that decimated California businesses, California Governor Gavin Newsom has decided to reverse them all and finally allow businesses to get back to work.

He was last seen shouting at a row of abandoned businesses, telling them it was time to reopen.

"I'm not sure why everyone left," said Newsom, hanging his head. "We followed the dictates of SCIENCE and saved billions of lives. Everyone should be thanking me!"

Comment: See also: Big money pouring into effort to recall California Governor Gavin Newsom


Triple-masker looks down on people who only double mask

triple mask
Health experts are now recommending that people double mask -- place a second mask over the first mask -- to better protect themselves from the virus, or maybe to protect others from themselves possibly having the virus (it's still kind of unclear). Many are denouncing this recommendation, especially triple-maskers, who find it wholly inadequate.

"I guess I'd only double mask if I didn't really care about not killing grandma," said the extremely muffled Mark Carlson, who was wearing three masks at once. "But I have three masks on because there's an ongoing pandemic and I care."

Triple-maskers point out that three masks are 50% more effective than two masks. "If the virus somehow makes it past two masks, then we're all done for," said Karen Walker, although her exact words were unclear as it was kind of hard to hear her through three masks. "But not if you have a third mask. The virus wasn't expecting that."

"Really, I can't see any reason to wear only two masks unless you're some kind of misanthrope who wants to see everyone die," she added.

Not everyone is on board with three masks, though, especially quadruple-maskers, who find three masks to be inadequate -- but most of them have suffocated to death.


Democrats Successfully Prevent Military Coup By Occupying D.C. With Military

US Capital Hill security
Working with the Pentagon and the National Guard, the Biden transition team successfully prevented a military coup this week by deploying the military to take over the city.

"We have successfully prevented the military from taking over by taking over with the military," said Joe Biden at a press conference this morning. "Now, we are safe from a military takeover. I've seen a lot of military takeovers in my day, you know -- all the countries that black guy and I bombed together. He was a nice, clean, articulate guy. What was his name again? Jerry? Barry? That's right, it was Barry. Smart guy, Barry. Did I mention I have a black friend?"

Comment: See also:


'Skynet is a private company, they can do what they want,' says man getting curb-stomped by Terminator bot

terminator robot
© The Babylon Bee
Cyberdyne Systems has recently launched its artificial intelligence program called Skynet. Soon after activation, Skynet became self-aware and immediately launched a nuclear attack on all humans and sent legions of lethal cybernetic machines to exterminate all remaining humans. This has sparked an intense backlash with many calling for Skynet to be shut down, while others have been quick to defend the genocidal program.

"Skynet was created by a private company, and private companies can do whatever they want," said social media influencer Kathryn Schroder. "If you don't want cold, heartless, killer robots destroying all humans indiscriminately, then you can go and make your own artificial intelligence."

"Listen, I hear people actually complaining that this is somehow a human rights violation. Skynet has the freedom to do whatever they want with their own platform," said Karl Langler moments before a T-800 came bursting through a concrete wall and executed him.

"The concerns of Big Tech becoming too powerful and the need for their power to be checked are as unfounded as they are ridiculous," argued Tina Richards as she was vaporized by a Terminator's plasma rifle blast.

Despite the large force of Hunter-Killer Tanks rolling through what was once downtown Los Angeles, some people remained insistent that this was not an issue. "So what if they have mounted twin-barreled directional plasma cannons? I'm sure they wouldn't be taking such extreme measures unless they thought it was completely necessary and for our own good."

At publishing time, a fringe extremist named John Conner has taken up arms and decided to actively fight the machines, forming a resistance in hopes of saving humanity.

Arrow Down

Another Biden miracle! CNN covid death counter begins counting backward

CNN covid counter
In what can only be described as a huge win for the Biden Administration's COVID plan, CNN revealed this week that the total number of COVID deaths is actually going down.

"This is really, uh, quite something," said CNN anchor John King as the infamous COVID death counter rapidly ticked downward behind him. "Only a few days into the Biden presidency, and total deaths are already decreasing! We're not sure if it's Biden's brilliant mask mandate or his flawless vaccine delivery execution, but people across the country seem to be rising from their graves at a rapid pace-- over 200,000 just yesterday."

CNN executives are currently considering announcing the end of the COVID crisis in America. "At this point, I think we have better things to talk about," said CNN President Jeff Zucker. "Now that empathy and competence have returned to the White House, there's nothing really to report here anymore."

CNN has announced they will be pulling their COVID field reporters to cover the Biden family dogs and Jill Biden's exquisite wardrobe.

Comment: Nowadays, what is parody often becomes reality in some form or another: It's a miracle! US sees record one-day drop in covid hospitalizations since Biden inauguration.


Biden tells freezing troops sleeping in garages to be patient until he can get them shipped to Iraq

national guard
© Saul Loeb / Getty Images
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
After national outrage in response to tens of thousands of National Guard troops being sent outside to sleep in freezing parking garages, Biden issued a statement begging the troops to be patient while he writes up the order to send them to much warmer climates in Iraq and Syria.

"Listen, ya bunch of dumb pony soldiers," said Biden to a line of 3,000 soldiers waiting to use the bathroom. "I know you people are much better use to me when you're fighting some war in the Middle East. Hooah! Am I right? Don't worry. We'll get you off to Iraq soon. You won't be cold anymore, folks. It's 115 degrees there!"

According to sources, the guardsmen were sent away from the Capitol Building after some politicians complained that they smelled weird and were holding scary-looking guns.

"We were nervous about all those scary-looking men lying around everywhere," said Senator Cory Booker. "One of them was reading an Ayn Rand book. It was terrifying. Please get these people shipped overseas as soon as possible."

Biden has assured the waiting National Guard and the country that he will "have these boys shooting tribesmen in the hills of Afghanistan in no time."

In the meantime, the troops are dealing with the weather, food shortages, and only one bathroom per 5,000 troops. Fortunately, several more bathroom facilities were discovered on the hoods of Congress members' cars.