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Mon, 02 Aug 2021
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US government prepares for next pandemic

US Government
© Babylon Bee
U.S. — With effective vaccines on the horizon, people are getting ready to finally see an end to the COVID-19 pandemic. Officials are now thinking of how to best prepare for the next global pandemic, with most settling on just going ahead and stripping people of their rights now.

"If there is one thing that stops an effective response to a pandemic, it's liberty," said California Governor Gavin Newsom. "People thinking they're free to do whatever they want will just lead to more deaths. So even when everyone is vaccinated, I'm still going to give everyone arbitrary rules for when they can leave their homes, what they're allowed to do, and what they have to wear so they're already used to obeying the government when the next crisis hits."


Biden's all-female communications team won't tell nation what's wrong: "Nation should already know!"

women Biden communication team
Biden's transition team has announced they will be appointing an all-female communications team. According to sources, the team will not tell the nation what's wrong, since the nation should already know.

"It's fine. Everything's fine. Nothing's wrong, OK!?" said Jen Psaki in her first press conference as a part of Biden's team. "Why would you think I'm not fine? Ugh... if you have to ask, I'm not going to tell you."

Insiders close to Biden say the communications team will hold periodic press conferences where they will just glare at reporters with an icy look and make them try to guess what's wrong. If the reporters fail to understand their highly advanced non-verbal communication, they will smile sweetly and walk out of the room before slamming the door as hard as they can.

"This is a huge step for this country," said Communication Director Kate Bedingfield to reporters. "We need to move beyond archaic and male-centric methods of communication that use things like clear language and written words. We hope this will help deepen the country's level of intimacy with the Biden administration and open up new channels of understanding and communication."

The press has been frantically buying flowers, chocolates, and jewelry for the communications team in hopes of receiving some clue as to what the heck is going on. The team responded by rolling their eyes and going to bed early due to a really bad headache.

Pumpkin 2

Biden's dogs have told pet psychic that their master 'will be a great president'

joe biden campaign button dog
© Getty Images
From the "you can't make this up" file comes this headline from The Daily Beast: "Joe Biden's Dogs Have Told This Pet Psychic a Lot About Their Beloved Master, and His Future."

The subhead says: "Pet psychic Beth Lee-Crowther says Joe Biden's dogs, Major and Champ, told her they are excited to live in the White House. They also say their master will be 'a great president.'"


"The Biden White House has sprung its first leaks," the Beast piece says. "But what can be done when the leakers are the president-elect's beloved dogs, and they are communicating telepathically with a pet psychic in the English Midlands?"

Comment: Does one of the first-dog-elect beg to differ?

Joe Biden fractures foot, needs walking boot
The 78-year-old Democrat slipped while playing with his German Shepherd, Major, on Saturday and visited an orthopedist in Delaware for an examination on Sunday afternoon.


Staffers crying over Jordan Peterson book cured by forcing them to read Jordan Peterson book

staffers penguin peterson book
© The Babylon Bee
After distraught staffers at Penguin Random House Canada complained about the publication of Jordan Peterson's new book Beyond Order: 12 More Rules For Life, the publishing company quickly solved the problem by forcing the crying employees to read Jordan Peterson's book. According to sources, employees have been completely cured of their whining, self-destructive victimhood.

"It's like a miracle," said office assistant Xandy Dutheriadux. "I didn't realize how much of my time was spent on behaviors that aren't particularly useful-- such as whining and blaming others! It's time for me to get my house in order and refine my competence in order to achieve my goals! Thanks, Dr. Peterson!"

Sources within the company say that productivity and employee satisfaction have risen by 3000% since they forced everyone to read the book.

"I am very pleased with the outcome of my publisher making its employees read my book," said Peterson to a reporter. "And I bloody-well hope it helps thousands more people who read it. That would be quite a positive outcome."

The reporter blinked and responded, "so you're saying you hate women?"



Pro tip from The Bee: Skip the Black Friday deals and hold out for the next peaceful protest

black friday sales looting
© The Babylon Bee
A lot of people have been emailing us asking what our best tips for getting great deals on Black Friday are. We don't blame them, because we are the best source for real news and life advice. Well, we have one great tip this year for Black Friday: skip out on the deals entirely, and just wait a few weeks for the next peaceful protest. One is bound to pop up before Christmas. You'll really be kicking yourself if you spend $300 on a TV today, only for it to be 100% off the next time there is something to protest in the name of social justice or whatever.

So, exercise some patience, and you'll get that Xbox, PlayStation, TV, or Lego set for nothing -- plus, you'll get to virtue-signal how much you care about social justice! Hooray!


Utah man hopes monolith is aliens structure but deep down knows it's just a publicity stunt

Utah Monolith
© Waterford Whispers
WHILE local man David O'Brien hopes beyond hope that the metal monolith found in Utah is some alien message, deep down his deep rooted cynicism prevents him from presuming anything other than it definitely being a predictable and 'shitty publicity stunt for a game or some shit'.

"I want an acid spewing tentacled murder machine from mars to burst out of that monolith and rip the spine clean out of the bodies of those it encounters as much as the next guy, but this has lame Playstation 5 promotion or Netflix sci-fi movie marketing written all over it," offered O'Brien, whose dyed in the wool jaded disaffection denied him more than 5 seconds of childlike wonder.


California building wall to stop sane people from leaving

u haul moving california shortage
California's state government has announced it will agree to build a wall as President Trump has been pushing for, except this wall will keep people in, not out.

People trying to flee the socialist state in U-Hauls in search of a better life will be greeted with a large concrete structure running across all exits from the state. Modeled after the Berlin Wall, the structure will provide comfort and security to state legislators fearful of citizens fleeing for basic necessities like electricity, taxes less than 100%, and plastic straws and bags.

The rest of the country all pitched in for the wall, too, so Governor Newsom only needed to raise income taxes by a few percentage points to fund it.

"We realized President Trump was right: walls actually work," said Newsom in a ceremony where he cut a ribbon signifying the opening of the wall. "It's just that they're a lot better when you use them to keep people in. Just look at paradise states like North Korea and the USSR. We should be following in the footsteps of these progressive leaders and not get dragged back into the Dark Ages by the other, more regressive states in the Union."

Newsom then led those gathered in a solemn hymn of state worship called "Great Leader Newsom, Ever May He Reign."

The wall will also have barbed wire atop, guard towers where state snipers can perch, and a 100-foot-wide moat filled with sharks and bears, just to make sure no one escapes.


Politicians officially exempt from lockdown rules because lizard people can't catch COVID

pelosi lizard eyes
© The Babylon Bee
After stoking outrage by visiting a salon for a hair treatment during a lockdown, Nancy Pelosi has assured the public she is exempt from lockdown rules since her particular species of lizard-person cannot catch or spread the coronavirus.

"There isssssss, I mean is, no risk posed by me or any other member of congress getting our hair done during a pandemic," said Pelosi in a statement. "That's because we're just different than you. I can't explain exactly how; we just are. We can't even catch COVID. It's a niccccccceeee, um, I mean nice privilege we enjoy," she said with a casual flick of her tongue.

Security camera footage leaked by the salon appears to show Pelosi in her true lizard form as she walks to the back of the building for a hair blowout as well as a fresh human suit.

"Please do not let this distract us from the true enemy of this country, Donald Trump," Pelosi said as she eyed a housefly buzzing above her head. "You should be grateful that people like ussssss, um- I mean us, are here to protect you."


Gov. Whitmer refuses to throw Ring Of Power back into fires Of Mount Doom

whitmer ring of power
© The Babylon Bee
Governor Gretchen Whitmer is refusing to throw the Ring of Power back into Mount Doom, despite the Michigan Supreme Court ordering her to return it into the fires whence it came.

"Throw it into the fire! Destroy it!" shouted a judge sitting on the court, after leading Whitmer to the Cracks of Doom. "We can end this all right now!"

"Nooo! Not my precious!" Whitmer screamed as the state Supreme Court handed down the order to destroy the Ring. "Nasty, nasty Constitution! We don't likes it! Nasty, fat Founding Fathers!" She turned and left.

"No, Whitmer! It will be your undoing!" cried the judge.

The Ring betrayed Whitmer, of course, and she was found floating in the River Anduin with arrows in her back, as Governor Gavin Newsom sought to attain the Ring of Power for himself.


Girlfriend keeps referring to herself as 'wife-elect' despite no official confirmation from boyfriend

relationship boy girl frustrated.
Sources close to Winston Davis say he is "totally screwed" as his girlfriend Wendy Fitzpatrick keeps referring to herself as "Wife-Elect" at any and every public gathering with close family and friends. This awkward situation is happening to Winston despite no clear moment in time in which it ever entered his mind that Wendy was "the one" or that he was even getting close to asking her the question to make such an interim title even remotely appropriate.

"Uh, honey — " Winston could be heard starting to interject before Wendy went ahead and dialed up local caterers and contractors to make arrangements for the wedding, which was surely going to unify their two families who haven't always gotten along, and bring about a glorious time of family healing.

Wendy had even started delegating bridesmaids to begin getting fitted for dresses and unironically telling members of her family that she was setting up an "Office of the Wife-Elect."

"Yeah I feel bad for the guy," said Winston's best friend, Paul. "It's been an unhealthy codependent relationship from the beginning, but this recent turn of events is just pure cognitive dissonance."

"I keep telling him he needs to tell her straight up that an 'Office of Wife-Elect' isn't a real thing and that he never officially asked her to be his fiancé, but I think he is afraid that will just make her mad," Paul continued. "Like, there isn't even an engagement ring."

At publishing time, Wendy had set January 20th as the perfect date for the two to unite into one in a wonderful winter wedding for W+W.