Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Parents just relieved teen who came home drunk wasn't drinking Bud Light

concerned parents drunk child satire
© The Babylon Bee
Local parents Tim and Julia Yoder were understandably upset when their 17-year-old daughter Carlie came home drunk last weekend. However, their anger quickly turned to relief upon learning that Carlie had not, in fact, been consuming Bud Light.

"I mean, we were certainly disappointed that she was drinking while underage," her father Tim noted. "But at the same time, we're glad that she was responsible enough to choose a less-woke brand of alcohol."

Carlie's mother Julia said they tried hard to raise their daughter right and instill her with strong values. "I'm not proud of this, but both Carlie's father and I experimented with Bud Light when we were younger," Julia said. "I'm very proud that we raised our daughter to make better life choices and avoid some of the mistakes we made in the past."

For her part, Carlie said the temptation to drink woke beer was definitely there. "Some of the kids had Bud Light at the party. Someone even brought some of those commemorative Dylan Mulvaney cans," she said. "But I knew deep down that was wrong, so I just pounded a 12-pack of Yuengling and called it a night."

At publishing time, the Yoders announced they would be surprising young Carlie with a new car as a gift for her responsible behavior. "We really couldn't be more proud of her," his mother said. "She's a really good kid."

Comment: The nightmare is real:
bud light light satire lbgt


Drunk Irishmen say they understood Biden's Dublin speech perfectly

biden ireland pub
© GettyBiden hits the pub with the boys.
Despite claims from conservative media pundits that President Joe Biden's tour of Ireland was a disaster due to several verbal gaffes and nonsensical statements, a group of intoxicated Irishmen released a statement saying they were able to understand every word of what Biden said.

"That Biden fella sure can spin a good yarn, don't ya know?" said Seamus O'Reardon after finishing his seventh pint of Guinness before lunch. "I know he catches a lot of flack for not bein' able t'speak clearly and all, but I've never heard such perfect pronunciation of our old traditional Connacht Irish dialect. T'was just the way me dear old mother would speak when she was three sheets t' the wind every marnin'!"

Critics of the Biden administration were calling the trip an embarrassment after the President had confused New Zealand's "All Blacks" rugby team with the "Black and Tans," a brutal British police force deployed against Irish rebels in the 1920s. This was followed by Biden saying he was never going to leave Ireland, a pledge millions of American citizens wished would be true. All speeches given in Ireland by Biden, though thoroughly unintelligible to English speakers, were clearly heard by O'Reardon and his fellow drunk Irishmen.

"Gifted orator, the man is," said Paddy Devitt. "Understood every word of it, I did. He told a beautiful story of his childhood in Ireland, with his good friend Corned Beef Pop."

At publishing time, while on his way back to the United States, Biden was overheard asking aides aboard Air Force One why he hadn't met any leprechauns trying to hide bowls of Lucky Charms from children as he expected.


Democrats throw biggest-ever fundraiser for Trump campaign

trump supporters arrest manhatten
© Angela Weiss/AFP via Getty ImagesSupporters of former President Donald Trump outside the Manhattan District Attorney's office in New York City.
Donald Trump's campaign fundraising is breaking records thanks to a lavish fundraiser hosted by Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg and the Democrat Party.

Sources say that as Trump arrived at a New York courthouse for the fundraiser this morning, his campaign raised millions from energized citizens eager to support the only presidential candidate indicted by a Soros-funded DA.

"At this point, if someone hasn't been indicted by a corrupt Soros DA, can you even trust that person?" said local Trump voter Bubba Gruggs, while clicking the "donate" button on the latest email from the Trump campaign.

Experts say that the Trump indictment will firm up his base of supporters who believe the country is run by corrupt, out-of-touch bureaucrats who also happen to be Satanic pedophiles and alienate him with kooky conspiracy theorists who think that America's leaders can be trusted.

At publishing time, it had been revealed that half the donations to the Trump campaign came from Democrat activists who are desperately hoping he runs again.


People with functional taste buds continue decades-long boycott of Bud Light

men beer bar
© The Babylon Bee
As conservatives across the nation vowed to no longer drink Budweiser products, people who possess functional taste buds have promised to continue their decades-long boycott of Bud Light as well.

"No way I'm ever drinking Bud Light," said local man Jimmy Billings. "Wait, there's a boycott?"

According to sources, no human with taste buds has finished an entire bottle of Bud Light since the brand's inception in 1982. "We still have a pretty big following of people who don't have tongues," said CEO Brendan Whitworth. "Oh, and also people who burned their taste buds off with a Hot Pocket. Huge Bud Light fans. The taste bud boycott has been a challenge, but we have persevered."

While Bud Light's partnering with Dylan Mulvaney has led to controversy, people with the ability to taste have no plans to change their beer choice. "I guess I would boycott Bud Light if I ever drank it, but that would require me to shave my taste buds off with a razor," said local man Ron McAllen. "And I don't really want to do that, it sounds super painful. So, I'll just stick with the New Belgium amber I'm sipping here."

At publishing time, people with taste buds promised to also continue their long-standing boycott of Peeps.


Sick of same old crime and violence, Chicago tries electing a Democrat this time

brandon johnson Chicago mayor
After a century of electing nothing but Democrats and getting only corruption, death, and poverty in return, Chicago residents have decided to make a change to the status quo by electing a different Democrat this time.

"Maybe this Democrat will be different," said one local business owner while sweeping up the broken glass from her store after getting robbed for the 15th time this year. "We tried Democrats 4 years ago, and also before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, and before that, going back to the early 1900s. I sure wish there was some other kind of thing we could choose that would help."

"Oh well."

As violence and despair continue to rise in the city, Chicago remains hopeful that maybe this Democrat politician implementing the same Democrat policies will somehow achieve a better result than all the other times it's been tried.

"I sure hope something changes soon," said Chicago resident Oprah Winfrey from her luxury high-rise condo. "I heard a rumor that my assistant's driver's intern's errand boy got shot in the face last week! Terrible!"

At publishing time, thousands of criminals had celebrated another Democrat being elected by firing their guns in the air.

Comment: Bonus Bee!
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces:


Ultimate marketing: Beverage pretending to be beer runs ad featuring man pretending to be woman

Dylan Mulvaney bud light satire
In a match made in heaven, a beverage that tries to pass itself as beer has hired as its spokesperson a man trying to pass himself off as a woman.

"For decades, we've been putting carbonated backwash in a beer can and pretending it's beer," said Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth. "Who better to represent our brand than a guy throwing on a dress and pretending he's a woman?"

Long a staple drink of people who hate actual beer, Bud Light felt putting Dylan Mulvaney's face on a can would also attract people who hate actual women. "As a man acting out the most horrendously offensive stereotypes of women, Mulvaney taps into the soul of people who despise real women," said Mr. Whitworth. "As a company dedicated to serving those who detest real beer, the partnership made perfect sense. The new beer can just shouts, 'Come, enjoy this atrocious substitute for the real thing'."

While a few in the media questioned the move, so far Bud Light fans have welcomed drinking out of a can featuring the face of a guy with a little girl fetish. "It really completes the experience," said Bud Light fan Mason Olsen. "If that dude with his massive jaw can pretend to be a little girl - well, I can pretend this is real beer. It's pretty inspiring."

At publishing time, activists had resumed calling for America to stop keeping trans people invisible.


Zelensky disappointed to learn Orlando Bloom not actually a fearsome elf warrior

orlando bloom zelensky
© ReutersVladimir Zelensky meets Orlando Bloom sans ears
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky reportedly had difficulty concealing his disappointment today after meeting Orlando Bloom and finding out he is not actually a fearsome elf warrior.

"This is not what I expected," Zelensky was overheard telling his aides when the actor arrived. "I told you I wanted to meet Legolas. Where are the pointy ears? The long, flowing blonde hair? He is not even carrying a bow and arrows! I wanted the fierce elven warrior to inflict heavy casualties on the Russian army, not this effeminate man with whispy facial hair! I was at least hoping to have access to some mithril to armor my soldiers!"

The Lord of the Rings star became the latest in many Hollywood entertainers who have made public relations pilgrimages to pay homage to the Ukrainian President. "It is truly a great honor to meet the great President Zelesnky," Bloom said to reporters who were brought in to document the meeting. "I came here to show respect and support for Ukraine and also to remind people that I'm alive and that I have not retired from acting and would greatly appreciate a job. Please contact my agent for casting calls!"

Zelensky managed to maintain decorum and politeness when interacting with Bloom but was clearly depressed that his plan to have an elite elven fighting machine as his army's secret weapon would not be realized.

At publishing time, Zelensky was relieved to have completed his meeting with Bloom and was later heard telling his aides that he wanted to move to "Plan B," which is believed to be flying in Liam Neeson and Keanu Reeves.


Kanye West changes his mind about Jewish people

kanye west
© Joel Ryan/Invision/AP
US rap artist Kanye West has watched the comedy 21 Jump Street, starring actor Jonah Hill, and it has changed his outlook on Jewish people, he wrote on Instagram on Saturday. The musician has been at the center of multiple anti-Semitism scandals.

"Watching Jonah Hill in 21 Jump Street made me like Jewish people again," West said. "No one should take anger against one or two individuals and transform that into hatred towards millions of innocent people," he elaborated, possibly referring to himself in the post that has already garnered 1.4 million likes.

West concluded the post by thanking Hill and saying he loves him.

The rapper, who legally changed his name to 'Ye,' is a multi-Grammy award winning artist and producer. In October 2022, Ye posted to Twitter that he was about to go "death con 3 On JEWISH PEOPLE," a reference to the US defense readiness alert system. The tweet was removed and West's account was suspended. In December, West was a guest on the controversial InfoWars podcast, hosted by Alex Jones. During the show, the rapper stated that he "sees good things about Hitler."


Parrot's big mouth gets Indian men life sentences

© Getty Images / Jaber Abdulkhaleg
Two men have been sentenced to life in prison in India for a 2014 killing that was reportedly solved thanks in part to the dead woman's pet parrot, which is believed to have witnessed the murder.

Special Judge Mohammed Rashid sentenced Ashu Sharma and Ronnie Massey to life in prison plus a fine of 72,000 rupees ($874) on Thursday based on evidence collected after Sharma confessed to killing his aunt, Neelam Sharma, with the help of his friend.

The pair entered the victim's home in Agra on February 20, 2014, when her husband was away at a wedding with their children. They stabbed her 14 times and even stabbed her pet dog nine times, Neelam's daughter Nivedita Sharma told India Today. Her cousin had intended to "kill and loot," she explained, as he knew where the couple stored their cash and jewelry, having visited his aunt's house many times and even stayed there for years. Her father Vijay had even given his nephew 80,000 rupees ($972) toward an MBA degree.

Comment: Could be a plot for an episode of Twin Peaks!


Government demands TikTok stop spying on Americans: 'That's our job'

tik tok us hearings TikTok CEO Shou Zi Chew
TikTok CEO Shou Zi Chew
As TikTok CEO Shou Zi Chew faced questioning from the House Committee on Energy and Commerce on Capitol Hill, leaders from the United States government issued strong demands that TikTok stop spying on American citizens because that's the government's job.

"Stay off our turf!" Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said to assembled members of the press. "How can the federal government be expected to effectively spy on all of our citizens if we've got this TikTok app and the Chinese Communist Party getting in our way trying to do the same thing? If anyone is going to be violating the privacy of the American people, it should be us!"

Concerns continue to grow that the social media video app is harvesting private data from millions of American users and funneling it to the Chinese government, a charge that the TikTok CEO vehemently denies. "The Honorable and Most Excellent President Xi told me to say we do not collect sensitive data from our users," said Mr. Chew when questioned. "We also do not know anything about Senator McConnell browsing for videos of female turtles in the middle of the night last Thursday. Any insinuation otherwise is simply paranoia!"

The White House was quick to weigh in on the controversy. "It is the policy of this administration to keep the spying on of American people here at home where it belongs," said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "While he is hesitant to ban TikTok, President Biden vows to never outsource the violation of our citizens' privacy."

At publishing time, congressional leaders were setting up meetings with Big Tech firms to ask them to create a similar app that would allow the government to spy on citizens with homegrown, American-made products.