Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
The newly published paper stated that the absolute dregs of society live well into their 80s and 90s and advised carrying out the most heinous of crimes if you want to become a centennial.
"Rolf Harris, Robert Mugabe, Henry Kissinger, Rupert Murdoch, Jimmy Saville; all lived depraved horrible existences and yet managed to see the right side of 80," the report found, "in fact, we haven't found a Nazi war criminal in hiding who didn't surpass 90 years on this planet".
The findings suggested the reason for the link between 'being a cunt' and 'living a long and fruitful life' is down to the fact that heaven nor hell wants them, and they are lumped into a type of limbo phase post-70 thanks to a huge backlog of disgusting pricks currently residing on the earth.
Citing the report's findings people from all over the world have now decided to carry out awful crimes in the hopes of guaranteeing themselves another decade or two.
"I just stabbed a homeless man to death on a street," American singer Cher announced on her Twitter earlier today, "then later I heard about the findings of this new report and I don't feel so bad now".
Reader Comments
Many great classical musicians seem to live long lives? I am thinking of Itzhak Perlman, but he is not that old.
Some say that we all only get a certain number of heart-beats per life... I can imagine the hearts rarely beat for these cold-blooded bastards.
A young child may grow up and receive no attention at home except scoldings and telling offs... years later, the same child now as adult, he has been conditioned to believe that the only way he “fits” in society is by provoking the anger and hatred of his fellow-man... by being a “bad boy”... He is just seeking his psychic food that he has become accustomed to digesting all his life.
Pretty much all people are unconsciously wired to give and receive envy... We unconsciously consider ourselves as “success stories” if we are able to provoke and wake up the envy of those around us... We may be trying to seduce a woman or impress someone with our musical skills... but on a deeper level, we may have no interest in that particular woman but just want others to look at us and feel jealous and envious... we may have no deep passion for the music we are playing, but just want others to look and say: “Wow! What a great musician!”
In reality, we all unconsciously feed off one another, on very small scales... Even “the lottery” is a small-scale “one wins, everyone else suffers” based system... and those who buy into the lottery, are also buying into the same system of world misery. The psychopaths however are like the masters of this game, feeding off everyone else's misery... One thing is to try and stop the psychos... but another technique could be to try and get everyone to wake up from this subtle psychic vampirism that is the secret psychic food of all social interactions.
In general, we are raised to not see evil and to see other people as similar to us. It takes meeting some of these people and having enough character to not be gaslit into believing you are the problem to be detached and less affected.
We are here on Earth in order to pay back our karma... the more karma we have, the more time is required to pay it off... It is both a punishment and a mercy at the same time.