Welcome to Sott.net
Thu, 30 Mar 2023
The World for People who Think

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Hurricane-ravaged Florida town raises Ukraine flag so Congress will send aid

ukraine flag florida hurrican aid satire
© The Babylon Bee
In a desperate attempt to get help for its citizens and deal with the growing humanitarian crisis in the area, a Florida town devastated by Hurricane Ian has taken the unusual step of raising the Ukrainian flag, hoping to convince Congress to send aid.

"The Ukrainian government flies this flag, and they're just swimming in billions and billions of dollars in support from the United States. We're just swimming in sewage," said Ray Valdivia, the Response Coordinator working to assess the damage in the town. "We tried going through the normal channels to get help from the government, but Biden just sent us a letter of "best wishes" that looks like it may have been written in crayon."

Though the situation across the Sunshine State has been critical since the hurricane blew through last week, Congress has maintained a keen focus on funneling astronomical amounts of taxpayer money overseas to pay the salaries of Ukrainian government officials and support American defense contractors' war efforts against Russia.

"These requests coming in from Florida are small potatoes," Nancy Pelosi slurred at her meeting with the press when asked about providing hurricane relief. "Sending money to Florida would not save the world from Russia or effectively launder the taxpayer money in any way."

At publishing time, citizens of Ft. Myers were working on using fake Ukrainian accents and inviting Hollywood celebrities to visit their devastated towns, hoping to convince the ignorant actors that they were visiting war-torn Kyiv instead.


Biden vows next hurricane to hit US will be named after a woman of color

biden hurrican ian poc
© The Bablyon Bee
As Hurricane Ian made landfall in Florida, Biden held a press conference to criticize the hurricane naming system and vow that the next major storm will be named after a woman of color.

"Seriously! Irma? Michael? Andrew? Ian? What's with all these white names, folks?" said Biden to several of his dead acquaintances who he saw sitting in the audience. "Why can't we have a Rosa Parks hurricane? Or maybe an Oprah? For real! It's not a joke! Come on, man!"

The World Meteorological Association immediately responded to Biden's request and confirmed they have several names of influential women of color they hope to use for the next deadly tropical cyclone.

At publishing time, sources confirmed Hurricane Lizzo is scheduled to make landfall next week.

Comment: Bonus Bee!

Arrow Down

Pharaoh proudly announces plagues are now down 100%

Pharaoh Ramses
© Babylon Bee
EGYPT — After enduring 10 horrible plagues that ravaged the kingdom due to his stubbornness and pride, Pharaoh proudly announced that plagues in Egypt are now down 100%.

"Hey, folks, we did it! I did it! I brought the plague rate down! This is because of my policies. No joke! Come on, man!" said Pharoah in a speech, apparently still slightly dazed from being struck in the head by a flaming hailstone. "We now have 10 fewer plagues than we had just a month ago. That's real progress! For real!"


Nine healthier alternatives to your kids watching Netflix

Children watching TV
Kids LOVE watching Netflix! But did you know there are some things that are more healthy than Netflix for their mental, physical, and spiritual well-being?


It's Corn!

CEO of Corn

Comment: Yes, it's apolitical. And, yes, it's hilarious! Enjoy (if you haven't seen this very viral video already)!

This guy just loves his corn! Some would even say he's the CEO of corn! He's a real cornboy. Corn!


Everything you need to know about Liz Truss

Liz Truss
© Waterford Whispers News
WITH 82,000 Tory voters choosing Liz Truss as their preferred candidate for punishing the poor, the 47-year-old Englishwoman is all but confirmed as the UK's next prime minister.

Here's everything you need to know about Liz Truss:

Is Britain's third successive female leader to prove it's not only the men that can be detached sociopaths who pride themselves on telling impoverished people that actually, everything is just fine.

Is ideologically opposed to handouts that don't go directly to her in the form of MP expenses.

Solutions to rising energy bills in a harsh winter have included stockpiling frozen pensioners and burning them in a fire for warmth.

Worked for Shell, and thinks building more wind turbines to offset reliance on foreign fossil fuels is worse than murder, so the climate is in safe hands.

Not a fan of the European Court of Human Rights, so if any Britons are planning on being the victim of a grave injustice such as killing by police, war crimes, extra-judicial deportations or human trafficking - now's the time to do it while you're still protected by the law.


When Your Doctor is a LEFTIST!

jp sears leftist doctor
© Awaken with JP/YouTube
JP Sears turns his attention to the plague of leftists doctors. Humor laced with a scathing assessment of the current state of the "medical community".


Texas builds 600 miles of border wall using U-Haul trucks from California

u-haul trucks border wall texas satire
© The Babylon Bee
Discarded U-Haul trucks abandoned by Californians immigrating to Texas have been repurposed as over 600 miles of new border wall along the America/Mexico border. Governor Greg Abbott confirmed that the wall is already cutting down on illegal immigration and California immigration since they've refused to send trucks back to California.

"The state has been inundated with an influx of U-Hauls because of all the Californians leaving their state," said Henry Gugelface, lead engineer of the Texas border wall project. "We were hesitant to send the trucks back to California because we are so tired of Californians. Utilizing the excess U-Haul trucks for the border wall killed two birds with one stone!"

The new stretch of border wall fills in gaps east of El Paso where migrants have been traveling into the country by the thousands. Now, though Hispanics have been braving an unforgiving desert landscape and river water to reach America, they are finding themselves stopped cold by a pile of U-Haul trucks haphazardly thrown together.

"Nothing can penetrate our great wall," Gov Abbott told members of the press. "It's been so successful that we're considering building a wall around the entire state just to keep other Americans out. Yeah, boy! Yee haw!"

At publishing time, shares of Budget Truck Rental's stock have surged as Californians resort to U-Haul alternatives in a desperate attempt to leave their state behind.

Comment: Bonus Bee!
The California Dream ain't what it used to be. Enjoy our song lamenting the fall of the Golden State:

Blue Planet

Greta Thunberg would have graduated by now if she stayed in school

greta thunberg close up
Swedish teen environmental activist Greta Thunberg announced on Saturday that it's been four years since she began striking from school to protest the "climate crisis." Thunberg, now 19, would've graduated from school by now if she had stayed in it.

Thunberg originally made headlines in August 2018, when she, at age 15, began protesting outside of the Swedish Parliament on Fridays when she was supposed to be in class. She called for the government to take stronger actions to fight climate change by holding up a sign reading "Skolstrejk för klimatet" or School strike for climate.

Thunberg began rallying similar protests in other communities, organizing a school climate strike movement called Fridays for Future. After Thunberg addressed the United Nations Climate Change Conference that same year, school strikes began taking place all over the world. In 2019, there were multiple coordinated multi-city protests involving over a million students each.

Comment: Now that she's the age where she should have graduated, can we really say she's still on a school-strike? Isn't she just unemployed now?


Sources allege Trump stole plans revealing White House's thermal exhaust port

trump star wars classified documents death star
© The Babylon Bee
Anonymous sources are alleging that among the documents confiscated from Trump's residence were the top secret plans to the White House. These plans are said to reveal the building's only weakness: a thermal exhaust port only 2 meters wide.

"It's impossible to overstate just how close we came to losing our fully armed and operational Washington D.C.," said FBI Director Wray. "A direct hit from an AR-15 on the thermal exhaust port on the southeast corner of the White House roof would set off a chain reaction that would destroy the entire District of Columbia."

Sources also claimed that since Trump's sons had extensive experience bulls-eyeing baby elephants in Africa that are no larger than 2 meters, it was only a matter of time before "insurrectionist scum" made a move to destroy the entire facility.

"Just think — Washington D.C. could have been destroyed!" said Director Wray. "The FBI just saved Washington D.C.!" Reports confirmed that FBI approval plunged another 12 points after Wray's statement.

At publishing time, sources confirmed that Trump also had possession of the One Ring, which is now being safely returned to the nation's capital.