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Biden: Menendez stupid for taking bribes in gold: 'Should have used fungible assets laundered by 20 different shell companies'

joe Biden robert menendez
© The Babylon BeeJoe Biden and Robert Menendez: professional vs amateur criminal
With Democratic Senator Bob Menendez facing charges of bribery, President Biden weighed in this morning, condemning the Senator for accepting his bribes in bars of gold rather than fungible assets laundered through 20 shell companies.

"Gold? That's a real rookie move, Jack!" said Biden to reporters. "If you're gonna get rich off a bribe, you gotta have money wired to several different shell companies in Ukraine which will then launder the money and wire it to your son in exchange for a painting, who will then buy some expensive items, and give you your cut. Come on, man! This ain't rocket surgery! Don't they launder money in Mexico or wherever this Menendez guy is from?"

Sources say suspicions around Menendez first arose when he started trying to pay for bags of chips in the Capitol cafeteria with gold doubloons.

Federal investigators confirmed Menendez is now facing several serious charges of receiving bribes in an overly obvious way while not being a member of the Biden family. "We will pursue these charges to the best of our ability," said Attorney General Merrick Garland. "Fortunately, Menendez is the only politician in Washington who has ever received a bribe, so we believe this problem is now contained."

At publishing time, Hunter Biden had been seen by witnesses desperately trying to pawn off a wheelbarrow full of gold at a corner pawn shop in DC.

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Bad luck: Military announces lost F-35 was carrying Epstein client list

lost f35 f-35 satire epstein client list
© The Babylon Bee
In a blow to the transparency of information and what could have been a treasure trove of evidence against a global sex trafficking ring, the Pentagon has announced the lost F-35 fighter jet was apparently carrying the only known copy of Jeffrey Epstein's client list.

"This is truly unfortunate," said Department of Defense spokesman John Kirby. "The client list that once belonged to the late Mr. Epstein was being transported to an undisclosed location for analysis to prepare to use it as evidence to deliver justice for Epstein's victims. Tragically, with the plane going missing, it is unlikely we will ever see the list again. Such a peculiar happenstance, really."

Media outlets and the public at large have been calling for the release of Eptsein's client list for years but will now be left to speculate as to its contents. "Such an awful coincidence," said conspiracy theorist Ryan Felix. "It just so happens that the very plane that is carrying the client list disappears? Yeah, sure. Right. Funny how that happens, huh?"

At publishing time, reports had begun to circulate that, in addition to the Epstein client list, the missing F-35 jet just so happened to also be carrying the Nashville shooter's manifesto, Barack Obama's original birth certificate, conclusive proof of the identity of the Jan 6 pipe bomber, and all known documentation and evidence of Joe and Hunter Biden's dealings with the Ukrainian and Chinese governments.

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New dress code allows aging senators to show up in their hospital gowns

old congressman senators hospital gowns satire
© The Babylon Bee"So much more comfortable!"
Following a change in the Senate's informal dress code, aging senators were excited to show up to work Monday in their hospital gowns.

"This is awkward," Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnel said when he noticed dozens of senators wearing the same exact thing. "One of us has got to change."

Officially, loosening the Senate's informal dress code was motivated by a need to accommodate Sen John Fetterman's famous hoodie and sweatpants. However, sources confirm Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer had an ulterior motive — he prefers the comfort and convenience of a hospital gown.

"I wear the gown under my normal clothes so I can change into them quickly. Like a superhero," Schumer said. "But now I can drop the facade and just be me. It's loose-fitting so you can have easy access to my backside to administer vaccines, suppositories, and other medications. It's great!"

Bernie Sanders confirmed that the new dress code allows him to live a truth he previously hid from the world. "The gown is open in the back. It's very breezy, which I like," he said. "Ooooo, I feel it now."

Sen Lindsey Graham, however, bucked the hospital gown trend by dressing in drag. "It's time for Lindsey Graham 3.0!" he said. "Fabuloooouuuus!"

At publishing time, the policy had been quickly reversed after Rand Paul showed up in his buffalo hat.

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Journalists anxiously wait for memo from Biden Administration with today's instructions

office group meeting
As the sun rose on a new day in America, the staunch guardians of free speech and journalistic integrity that is the media eagerly waited for the daily email from the Biden administration to notify them of the day's official instructions and talking points.

"We don't say a word without knowing what they want us to say," said Joe Scarborough, co-host of MSNBC's Morning Joe. "If the administration doesn't provide us with a bulleted list of things to talk about, we're lost. I mean, seriously, what would we do without the White House giving specific instructions? Objectively discuss current events? Report the news? Don't be ridiculous."

In the age of social media and mass internet access, the public at large has grown bewildered by the mainstream media's blatant refusal to discuss anything related to Joe Biden and his family being involved in alleged corruption scandals. When questioned, members of the media were quick to play defense. "That's not our job," said CNN anchor Jake Tapper. "Reporting the news is not the job of news reporters. We're here to propagate the government's official narrative. Besides, there are no scandals involving the Biden family. None. Zero."

At publishing time, journalists had cheered as the Administration instructed them to cover something about Taylor Swift since there was definitely no news of note going on at the White House.

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Ireland completely forgot to celebrate first anniversary of Queen's death

Anniversary
© Waterford Whispers News
A SHAMEFACED Irish nation has today apologised to one another for 'dropping the ball' and failing to gleefully acknowledge the first anniversary of the death of former British monarch Queen Elizabeth II.

"Ah I didn't mind her, but it would have been nice to have some festivities marking the fact they all lost their fucking minds over there," shared one Irish person who admitted the lapse is further proof Ireland has gone to the dogs.

"That's not like us at all," said one genuinely worried Irish person, "were we not meant to get a bank holiday for this? I'd have gone up North to get fireworks if someone reminded me".

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Dems accidentally reveal plan to destroy the Constitution ahead of schedule

Michelle Lujan Grisham
© Sam Wasson / Bloomberg via Getty ImagesNew Mexico Governor Michelle Lujan Grisham: "Whoopsies!"
Democrats accidentally let their master plan to utterly destroy the United States Constitution slip out into public slightly ahead of schedule.

"Welp, this is embarrassing," said Governor Grisham of New Mexico. "Really jumped the gun on announcing how we would do away with the Bill of Rights. Get it - jumped the gun?? Ha! Anyhow, yeah, that's how we're going to blow the Constitution to pieces. Cat's out of the bag!"

According to sources within the party, the Democrats had planned on giving it another five to ten years before destroying the remains of the Constitution. "It's a little ahead of schedule, but I doubt the sheep fight back," said Governor Newsom of California. "So, yeah -- we are going to use the precedent of suspending civil liberties during a pandemic to suspend Americans' rights for anything we subjectively declare an emergency, rendering all rights subject to the government's whims. Pretty genius, right? Man, COVID was such a godsend for us."

At publishing time, Americans asking if we could please just follow the Constitution were accused of creating a public health emergency and immediately tossed in jail.

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New Mexico criminals excited to hear no one will be armed for entire month

New Mexico Governor Michelle Lujan Grisham satire
© KOB4New Mexico Governor Michelle Lujan Grisham
Criminals across New Mexico were ecstatic to hear from Governor Grisham today that no one in the state would be armed for an entire month.

"Oh, sweet!" said local carjacker Jeff Diggs. "It's so stressful wondering if your next victim could be packing. Gosh, that's such a weight off!"

New Mexico Governor Michelle Lujan Grisham made the announcement yesterday in a press conference, to resounding cheers from criminals across the state. "I just want every thief in our great state to know they have nothing to fear," said Governor Grisham. "We're delivering bold leadership on crime, and making a statement to the nation. That statement is this: For the next month, criminals in New Mexico can rob and assault anyone with absolute impunity."

Organized crime rings broke out in applause and slapped high-fives, ecstatic about the news. "Man, I'm getting tears in my eyes," said Albuquerque gangster Sean Rogers. "What a relief, knowing we're the only ones with the guns. This is going to be amazing."

At publishing time, Governor Grisham had announced to further cheers that she would also be taking away guns from the police.

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Liberal frustrated to discover virtue way harder than virtue signaling

frustrated liberal man contemplation window
Local liberal Jonald Duncan reportedly learned the hard way that actual virtue is way harder than virtue signaling. At least 3.4 times harder, experts say.

"I've been sitting on my computer, as I do, talking about diversity and equity — all that stuff, but I never actually doing anything," Duncan reflected. "So, I decided to cast aside the signal and try virtue-ing... for real. But it's really hard!"

"You have to, like, do stuff!"

Duncan, an avowed liberal vegan climate activist LGBTQ+ ally, began his journey by studying virtue on Wikipedia. He was surprised to learn that virtues are often in conflict with how he's been living his life. In particular, he noted tremendous difficulty with temperance, which he says interferes with his ability to dunk on "MAGA-tards" who "totally deserve to be canceled."

Duncan started a personal diary where he could record his thoughts as he attempted to incorporate the seven virtues into his life. The Babylon Bee has received an exclusive copy of the journal, an excerpt of which follows:
Tuesday the 5th —

The seven virtues are prudence, justice, temperance, fortitude, faith, hope, and charity. I'm not a dumb xian so I can cut out faith I guess, but I stand by the others — even prudence, which I had to look up in the dictionary. Justice and temperance seem at odds with each other, however. How am I supposed to be temperate while punching literal Nazis? Is that not justice?

Wednesday the 6th —

Learning prudence has saved me a lot of trouble. Apparently not everyone is a Nazi. I thought they were. My bad.

Thursday the 7th —

The more I think about fortitude the more I realize I'm a coward.

Friday the 8th —

I am morally bankrupt. Oh no, did I just teach myself about the reality of sin? God, save me! Crap, is there a church I can go to anywhere?
At publishing time, Duncan was last seen looking at local churches on the internet, unfortunately, he only plans to signal his attendance by joining the virtual service.

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Pelosi announces bid for two more years of insider trading

nancy pelosi satire babylon bee
© Robert Scheer/IndiStarPelosi is thrilled at running for another chance to rip off her fellow citizens
In a surprise announcement, Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi confirmed she will be seeking reelection for yet another 2-year term of lucrative insider trading.

"I have long served the people of San Francisco in Congress by enriching myself with privileged information while my hometown descends into chaos," said Pelosi in a statement. "With your support, I hope to continue my important work for another two years. Good morning, Sunday morning."

The mayor of San Francisco celebrated the announcement on Friday. "Our city has long been a place of lawless greed and theft, and we're proud to see Mrs. Pelosi bring those values to Washington," said Mayor London Breed while brushing broken glass off the front seat of her car. "Give us two more years of Pelosi!"

Pelosi vowed that if elected she would redouble her commitment to becoming filthy rich via insider trading in Washington and maybe even pay off her yacht and her 3rd summer home.

At publishing time, Pelosi's husband Paul had also issued a statement, begging voters to please send his wife back to D.C. for a couple more years.

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Jerkface Elon Musk refuses to help start nuclear war

elon musk
Ukraine boss Volodimir Zelensky is reportedly irate at the lack of international support he's received in his extended battle with Russia, including a recent snub by major certified butthead Elon Musk who has refused to help start a nuclear war.

"Not only have we not received the trillions of dollars in blank checks we requested, but stupid dipwad Elon Musk won't let us use his Starlink system to inch us closer to nuclear holocaust," said a visibly perturbed Zelensky from another mansion, but we're not sure which one there are so many at this point. "Doesn't he know how much sacrifice and prison time my political opponents have endured since this war began?"