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Thu, 21 Jan 2021
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Innovative new process! Plants can be converted into meat by feeding them to cows

cow barn
Look out, Beyond Meat -- a new competitor has emerged in the market of turning vegetables into a food that tastes just like meat. But while companies like Beyond Meat use laboratories to turn vegetables into something tasty, this new process uses a much more natural method: feeding the vegetables to a cow.

The startup, which goes by the much simpler brand name of "Meat," came upon this process after using hundreds of millions of venture capital dollars to research how to turn vegetable products into something delicious that could be used as a burger. "Vegetables are ugly and horrible, and no one likes them," said Meat researcher Winston Sullivan. "We tried everything to make them edible, but nothing worked -- except maybe covering them in ranch dressing. But then we saw this creature, a cow, was eating the vegetables -- because it was so dumb and didn't know any better or something -- and somehow afterward it became filled with tasty meat. It was amazing."

Sullivan says they have no idea how the cow turns vegetables into something edible (they suspect witchcraft) but have now obtained many of these creatures so they can feed them inedible vegetables and harvest tasty, tasty meat. The results are already a hit, as restaurants like Five Guys have used the patties made from naturally processed vegetables to huge success.

Meat is now trying to see if the process can be repeated with other animals. They're currently testing their process on a chicken, though they say that, so far, the results aren't as good as from the cow unless the product is breaded and fried.


Fauci recommends encasing entire body in bubble wrap to protect against Coronavirus

Bubble Wrap
© Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C. — At a press conference Wednesday, Dr. Fauci suggested that Americans cover their entire bodies in bubble wrap to protect against coronavirus.

"Studies have shown that this is very effective at stopping the virus, germs, and the oxygen that carries these things," Fauci said. "You will no longer have to worry about death by coronavirus, though I'm just a medical doctor and can't speak to any other risk factors this may introduce."

Of course, Dr. Fauci says that he and other Washington elites are exempt from the recommendation.

Comment: Now masks are not enough! Fauci claims eye protection might be required for 'perfect' Covid-proofing


Sheep dipping system adopted on trial basis for Irish schoolchildren

Sheep dipping
AN INGENIOUS system used by farmers to protect their sheep against infestation from external parasites is to be adopted on a trial basis in rural Ireland in a bid to ward off Covid-19 infection spread among school children.

Sheep dipping troughs are to be installed in over 200 Primary Schools nationwide before September and is expected to be rolled out nationwide if successful, Minister for Education Norma Foley has confirmed.

"All children entering school grounds will be in water containing insecticides and fungicide before entering classes," Foley said at a demonstration of the new system in Tipperary, as children screamed in horror beside her as a male washer plunged them into a deep pit, "obviously, we need to run some further trials, but we will have this fully operational by the end of August, promise".

The new in-ground structures, which will be made of concrete, will fit anywhere up to 10 children at a time, however, subjects at today's demonstration have pointed to a few flaws in its design.


Orcs march on Minas Tirith in mostly peaceful protest

MINAS TIRITH — Orcs marched on Minas Tirith this morning in a mostly peaceful protest.

The rioters marched for peace, justice, and love in a calm, peaceful, orderly gathering outside the city walls. The mostly peaceful protesters launched peaceful siege projectiles at the city and sent Nazguls to maul Gondorian soldiers in a demonstration of their love and tolerance.

"Everything is very calm, very peaceful here," said a reporter from Gondor News Network. "It's very tranquil." Just then, an Oliphaunt charged right at him and flattened him into lembas bread.

Gondor's government was criticized for "police brutality" when, after a long period of inaction, Rohan's armies finally charged in to break things up.

"We were just peacefully protesting -- Gondor had no right to peacefully protest back," said one Orc. "Two of their agents were even having a contest to see how many of us they could kill -- and they were killing the majestic, endangered Oliphaunts! I'm literally shaking right now."


Riot police unsure if their tear gas worked since libs were already crying

liberal tears
Riot police used tear gas on the Portland mayor and protesters last night, which is crazy because they were just trying to warm themselves by a harmless fire they started in a federal building.

But the riot police soon encountered a problem: they weren't able to tell if their tear gas was even effective, since the libs were already crying uncontrollably before they were hit with the tear gas.

"Liberals are always shedding tears, so how do we even tell if it worked?" asked one confused federal agent after firing another can into the crowd. "Seems like this would be pretty redundant."

The liberal tears continued to flow, whether or not riot police fired gas into the crowd. Finally, the police shrugged and left the protest, since the protesters just kept crying.

"Mission accomplished, I guess," said one officer. "Hey, Carl, wanna go kidnap some Antifa thugs?"


Man walks down Oxford Street wearing nothing but a face mask

naked man face mask genitals
A man wearing a surgical mask struts down the street.
Shoppers were amused after a man stepped out in central London on Friday wearing only a mask.

Perhaps incorrectly interpreting the Government's latest coronavirus advice, he made sure to wear a blue covering but positioned it in the wrong place while walking along Oxford Street.

Some pedestrians stopped in their tracks to take photos of the man while others gaped in shock.

Comment: Bravo!


When racists and wokes actually agree on everything

woke racist
Comedian Ryan Long released a now viral video with Danny Polishchuk called "When Wokes and Racists Actually Agree on Everything," poking fun at the nation's unfolding debates on race.

The video, which currently has over 59,000 views on YouTube, was endorsed by stand up comedian Bill Burr, who retweeted the video.

The video depicts two friends, Brad and Chad, one "woke" and one "racist," agreeing on very fundamental parts of their ideologies.


Far-right extremist suggests treating people of all races equally

Martin Luther King
A dangerous, far-right extremist has suggested that we treat people of all races equally, shocked and horrified sources confirmed Friday.

The hateful bigot has been canceled for his controversial comments that people should be treated with respect no matter their skin color.

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character," said the dangerous, alt-right extremist, according to sources. "I have a dream that one day little black boys and girls will be holding hands with little white boys and girls."

The offensive comments were platformed at large protests and marches, and everyone associated with the problematic racist has also been canceled.

"I mean, this is literally Nazism," said one progressive Twitter user. "He might as well have grown out a little mustache and invaded Russia. We are scouring his old Facebook photos for swastikas and racial slurs as we speak. I'm sure there's a ton of hateful stuff there."


Vaccine trial #666 successful reports Oxford university

Vaccine Trails
© Babylon Bee
Oxford — A research team at the University of Oxford announced today that after 665 failed trials of a vaccine for the coronavirus, trial number 666 was successful. Trial #666, codenamed "The Beast," provoked the desired immune system response researchers have been searching for.

"This vaccine will stop humanity--er, I mean, coronavirus in its tracks," the head researcher on the vaccine project, Dr. Lucy Ferre, said at a press conference this morning. "We can get through these several years of tribulation together as long as we all take the mar--I mean, the vaccine."


White House adds crying room for fussy reporters

CNN acosta reporters cry room humor
© The Babylon Bee
The Trump White House has added a new feature to the James S Brady Press Briefing Room: a separate cry room for fussy reporters who are crying during press briefings and interrupting the proceedings.

The quiet, serene room will allow news agencies to take their crying, wailing, fussy reporters into a separate space to calm them down so the press briefings can continue without interruption.

"If you notice one of your reporters starting to tear up, just take them into the cry room and soothe them before joining us again," said Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany. "There are pictures of Obama, bottles of kombucha, and some Tickle-You-Biden plushies in there to keep them occupied and help them feel safe."

"Hey, wait a minute! Are you saying we're babies!?" shouted one reporter, tears welling up in his eyes.

"Well, yes," McEnany replied.

"That's... that's mean!" His lip began to quiver and he was forced to excuse himself to the cry room.

"WAAAAHHH!!!" cried Jim Acosta. "ORANGE MAN BAD! ORANGE MAN BAD!" One of his fellow CNN reporters cradled him in her arms and took him out into the cry room with an apologetic look on her face.

The cry room may need expanding soon, however, since every single reporter except OANN's Chanel Rion was sent to the cry room during the first press briefing. Rion pointed and laughed at them as they went into the cry room, calling them "dumb babies," which made them cry harder.