How do they make you who you are?
James Altucher calls this your 'scene.' As Jim Rohn put it, you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. As my dad told me once as a kid, "Ryan, you become like your friends."
Or as Goethe famously said it better and earlier (about 170 years before any of them), "Tell me with whom you consort with and I will tell you who you are." And before him, Seneca wrote to a friend:
Choose someone whose way of life as well as words, and whose very face as mirroring the character that lies behind it, have won your approval. Be always pointing him out to yourself either as your guardian or as your model. There is a need, in my view, for someone as a standard against which our characters can measure themselves. Without a ruler to do it against you won't make crooked straight.The fact is, the people we surround ourselves with help set the baseline for what we think is ok, what we think is possible and what we're exposed to.
I remember very vividly a moment in college when I joined the school's newspaper. Suddenly, I was surrounded by people who were a lot smarter than me. They talked with ease about books and concepts I'd never heard of. They did things I didn't know how to do. And so my worldview expanded, as did a casual pressure to improve and push myself.
It's not that I'd been around bad influences before, but they just hadn't been taking me anywhere. It was as a direct result of this new exposure that I wrote an article that introduced me to my first mentor and eventually led to my first real creative job.
From that mentor, I was suddenly surrounded by a new group (Robert Greene, Aaron Ray, Mark Ebner, Kevin Cornish, Nils Parker, Tim Ferriss, a handful of people I shouldn't really name and eventually, CEOs like Dov Charney)-a group much older and more talented and successful that I had even dreamed of at that point.
My life for the last several years has been in part motivated by proving right the faith and effort they were willing to put into me.
What I didn't get directly from these people, I got from the books they exposed me to and the tasks that they assigned me. To think: Your friends and anchors don't even have to be alive. If they are alive, you don't actually have to know or interact with them-you can follow them afar.
They don't have to speak the same language as you. You don't even need to agree with everything they said or did. But you can still learn from them and be motivated by their influence.
You can surround yourself with them. From Marcus Aurelius to Benjamin Franklin to Seneca to Michel de Montaigne to Heraclitus to Eleanor Roosevelt. These are the rulers we can make ourselves straight against.
It's not about finding accomplished people and hoping they rub off on you or make you want to do more, more more (that can be an endless, awful road.) After all, there are many highly successful individuals who are absolutely horrible-who would not be good influences.
What we can do with history is find truly great individuals who stand as those sort of timeless examples of what it means to be well-rounded, good and impressive.
Now's the time.
Do an analysis. Look at your peers. Is this who you plan to become?
For me, this accounting has rippled through my life. Who I spent time with, determined in many ways, the path I ended up taking. It's not a one time decision either-who I chose to be with now has the chance to make or break who I will be in the future and it always will.
And so we have to make hard decisions on a regular basis about who we say yes to and which relationships we invest in.
We seem to understand that a young kid who spends time with kids who don't want to go anywhere in life, probably isn't going to go anywhere in life. What we understand less is that an adult who spends time with other adults who tolerate crappy jobs, or unhappy lifestyles is going to find themselves making similar choices.
Comment: It's not solely about being influenced by the behaviors of people in your 'scene'. Humans' brainwaves can engage to make them more similar:
It doesn't stop there.
We often forget that there was a second half to Goethe's maxim. "If I know how you spend your time," he said, "then I know what might become of you."
Look at your Facebook feed. This is an algorithm created by what can only be described as a ruthless, sociopathic corporation that shows you only what it wants to show you-and what it thinks will keep you on the site longer.
Look at many of the blogs you read-they don't tell you what you need to hear, they show you what they think will get the most clicks.
Look at the games you play on your phone, and how much time they suck out of your life.
Look at the pointless arguments you get into.
These influences are acting on you, consciously and otherwise. Guiding your decisions, winnowing your worldview, eating up your life.
Conversely, think of the reader who picks up books that make them uncomfortable or provide some new viewpoint. Think of the person who participates in forums or subreddits that have high standards-even if it's as simple as punctuation and grammar.
Think of the person who has hobbies that challenge them, physically, mentally, spiritually. Think of the person who looks up to or follows people who are better, more generous, more accepting, more tolerant than they are.
It is in fact, a combination of these two things: Who we know and what we do that influences more than any other factor, who we will become. Because what you do puts you around people, and the people you're around effects what you do.
Think of your habits, think of what you consume.
Is it likely to make you better or worse? Think about your friends and colleagues: do they inspire you, validate you, or drag you down?
A lot of advice about networking seems to be about getting ahead-it's transactional. This misses the point. Really, a network is about creating a peer group around who you are and who you want to be. It's also about what you bring to the table too.
The fighter Frank Shamrock says that we all need the +, -, =.
Each fighter, to become great, he said, needs to have someone better that they can learn from, someone lesser who they can teach, and someone equal that they may challenge themselves against.
A lot of productivity advice is similarly flawed-it's about doing what you do better instead of getting you to do better things. How much you get done is far less important than the type of activities you participate in and what you're willing to spend your life on. Because that's what we're doing when we put towards something-spending our limited amount of life.
The good news is that this can change at any moment.
The books are there for you to pick up. The right people are there-just an email or a phone call or a meeting away. The right activities-writing, reading, collaborating, investing, these are there too. They are as accessible as all the bad influences. They are as plentiful as anything else.
What you decide to do with those assets is up to you. But choose wisely, because it will determine who you are.
Reader Comments
Well, my view through the kaleidoscope is obviously a bit different from yours. I never try and fit in, and I'm always the loudest person at any party. LOL.
Having withdrawn from most contact is a last line of defense for me and many just like me. I am alone in a very crowded land. We each have very good reasons to restrict the contact we have with a world more intent on doing for it's self rather than looking to the welfare of every other one might contact.
I under took this solitude in my defense, not to punish but to regain my freedom... I have many gifts to inflict upon a world intent on depressing them, I have a far bigger path to walk than the one i used to be on, I walk it now ridiculed, and tormented by the few arc's of light that beam through the lies and deceit. I don't have too much hope for the many, Those days fell behind me.
Now i wield a far sharper sword, I strike the root where ever the hand guides my blow, I see now the need for belonging and acceptance is a trap, one that once sprung is never a danger again. Now i will belong to what ever DESERVES my being and gift, All else is just distraction and hindrance, Once the sword cuts the air and the root is struck the gift is bestowed, Miss the target and remain to learn the truths you missed in path behind.......One has to figure out the point to all the lies and tricks, One this gift is in your possession you have the right to spread that gift to what ever venue it is in need, No asking for permission, that is a grant of the gift and the protections wrapped in the package, Your willingness to see beyond evil and your ability to endure whatever might be a requisite of the march against that evil will be borne by a winner and shunned by a loser...... Losing is not a good thing in this game of life, Much is done to see to it you lose.... Don't think you know, Know you Know.
Then your ass will be free and the things you have lost matter not, The prize is worth all sacrifice a human can make.
Yeah, you'll be as free as a tramp. If that's what it takes to realise that without other people, you're nothing, then so be it.
His proclamation of Love is for God , and his usages of the term He is a reference to the devil.
Music of old is a very good place to seek modern truths Luke, I know the rational for posting the song, and the effect of it was counter the intent..... That is part of the gift.
The one that can see right through the external and fathom the real is a gift, Without this vision the path is signed by the trickster and not by the creator, Your path is astray, as is the intent of the head of the mammon world, to trick you into the down path and away from the up path. The human has been deceitfully compassed by trick and gifted with a narrow path of truth, Seeing the path and walking it is worth the effort and experience of logging the evil along the way, your log will guide you far better than a kick in the balls ever will. all the mammon world is about is kicks to the balls.
Once you have a good enough visual on the devil and his tricks he cannot spring his traps on you.
The traps all fail when you know about them beforehand.
Well help is what i do not what i need.
Well just get on with it and don't parade your dirty knick-knocks all over the internet then, liar-liar-pants-on-fire.
"He learned the Eastern Orthodox ways, and established the monestary system."
Well that all sounds Very Holy. Every out of the way mountain-top Orthodox monastery I've ever visited is basically like the Greek dole. It's full of geezers who can't get it together with women and are too socially inept to be able to get a job.
Pets in general are a soother.... Once you develop past a point it is silly to hold onto those things.
Any how my landlord says 'No pets'
He would tell you that the success you seek is related to the company you keep rather than the quality of your ideals and convictions..
One who looks to others to define their existence falls down a well of lies.
Looking into ones self and asking for guidance and knowledge is the proper way, This story flips that on it's head.
"The more people I meet the more I love my dog He makes life simple and loves me more then anyone can and doesn't expect much in return . Get another dog Alan."
It's difficult to believe this sort of flotsam that ends up on the SOTT shores. If you hate humans so much, why don't you just go it alone and stop coming back here with your barely disguised 'tremulous hopes' day-upon-day to bother the rest of with it? You're sick.
If i was here for your personal amusement i would be a failure.
But i am not here to amuse the all great HFL am i?
Blidness is a common thing with a certain type, I see it all the time, in many locales and in many persona.... It's a choice.
Wrap your head around the idea if you can....
I choose to end my dependence on earthly wants and desires knowing the payoff is worth the reduction in liberty, Knowing the things i have to learn do not require any company to learn compels me to omit the unnecessary distractions. Once i have a better handle on the things i need to learn, i will have what ever i require, i will be introduced to the child i have been prevented from knowing, have the chance for a real loving relationship, Not because i want it but because it is right.
My life went into the shitter for very good reasons and fixing the shortcomings to change this is a path i started with one necessary step.....
Getting rid of the phony life i wanted and investing in the one intended me. These sorts of course changes are hard for a reason, Pay off is worth enduring some isolation and reflection whilst one moves the ball forward......
This I don't understand; It doesn't work like that. A relationship with your child doesn't commence when it suits you. I'll go out on a limb here and say that you will be VERY fortunate if your child understands that. Hey, maybe after a long life they may tell you, on your deathbed, that your way was the right way. Maybe after years of lessons and interaction with you, they'll understand that you can be nothing for others if you are not true to yourself. Trouble is, all adults are someones child...reversion is common in adults.
The path to doing bad things is fraught with dangers the compass round, The wife is not willing to admit the dangers and is unwilling to accept the damage she has done to the child, these things are plain to see if you accept the gift and learn, and impossible to see if you shun that same gift.... The relationship started the day i got the wife pregnant, and will have to wait in limbo until the wife chooses to tell the child the truth. I have a very good idea where this child lives, but my need and the need for the unfolding of this event in the proper ways is far more important than the sickness that compelled it to unfold as it did...... My wish is for some closure, for a proper continuation of the relationship denied by the wife, That is a path the child will be given a choice about, and if she so chooses then she will seek me out and we will continue along the path.... Going to her house and presenting myself as 'DAD' is going to have no helpful results because of the things well outside of my control. I guess the reunion will be some time from now as she is entering her teens, After the lies the mother told become manifest and the questions start in earnest.
I do not have any doubts about these things, the writing is on the wall plain as day. The fix is going to be manifest because the fix is coming from the top power of this world. I can see the precautions i have been dealt, and can respond to the sickness that manifested it by doing as i was told to do about the whole mess..... Wait!, So i will.
No lie is going to remain hidden forever. A point the wife is never going to admit.
And Linda if you have some axe to grind about something i said then have a go, evilslain is the gmail i use.
When you ll remember you re a victor, you ll understand what all of us our saying. We ve all listened to you and shared. Get over feeding yourself a victim.... the sooner you start, the sooner you will be at peace brother.
Blessings, truly.
Btw... there was more info for you at:
SOTT Focus:The Trials of Masculinity, Feminism and the Modern Male
Today, feminists want all the rights, and none of the responsibilities, none of the more problematic side of life and reality. The last 40 or so years of feminist nonsense has not worked to uplift...Blessings
I will skip the Bleed out on old posts....
Yea... truth can hurt.
Alan... you cant piss me off. Youre in my prayers since i first read you (but you re a DramaQueen! Isnt that a surprise!!)
You dont even bother to respond to our people's miserable stories, you re a sentimental lush. Grow up, COMPASSION is next.
PLUS!! YOU SURE EVEN THAT THE BABY IS YOURS? ...(i mean anyone can see the mother is a dirty slut)
Third plasma filament eruption in as many weeks; Grand Solar Minimum threat
Solar wind is calming and solar flaring remains low. The next coronal hole stream is not due until the weekend but a small, weak CME may impact earth today from the filament eruption center-disk 3...Mithra: The ancient Roman cult that 'rivalled' Christianity and yet we know so little about
A faded painting, still showing hints of its once-vivid hues, fills the entire back wall of an otherwise grim underground cavern in Santa Maria Capua Vetere, Italy. Sculptures and frescoes of...Sorry Prince Harry, 'Love at first sight doesn't actually exist, though men are more likely to think so', say psychologists
"How did you know she was the one?" Prince Harry was asked in his engagement interview with his fiancée Meghan Markle. "The very first time we met," he replied. Well that may have been the case...Best of the Web: SJWs need to stop trying to protect everyone's feelings
Like every kid, I was forced to read Fahrenheit 451 in high school. If you'd asked me what it was about before last week, I would have told you: "Firemen who burn books." And if you'd asked me why...Blood red sky that lasted 9 days: Mysterious hue seen over Far East Asia in 1770 was caused by biggest solar storm ever recorded
In 1770, people living in far-east Asia saw the sky turn a deep crimson for over a week - an event that was recorded in ancient scrolls. Now, scientists have analysed the historical event, and...I think they re all there. Ha! Easier for me too
Me neither. Is there one amongst who hasn't had their heart broken by a woman/man/work/life, etc, etc, at least once, twice, thrice, fice? As Achilles famously said, "Time wounds all heels".
You either get back on your horse, or you make a philosophy out of your degradation and go and live in the woods with the ants. You're driving, no one else.
That took a couple retakes
It s GOOD!
Are schools pushing porn? Calls for sex education to get more graphic and "keep up-to-date with trends in sexual lifestyles"
The internet has given teenagers access to so much porn, fetish and experimental sex that schools may have to get a lot more graphic when addressing classes, a study has found. Teenagers are...Who you keep friends with.....
We re missing our bro B ! Lovely to see you rocky! I m better n better. Have you chatted with GGG yet?
B is reading us... i hear him munching on bacon lol
Dont put off GGG ... i know you ll be very pleased.
WTF is wrong with Alan Reid?
Should i be using some anon tag? Would that be more appropriate?
Oh well My name is my name, Get used to it.
Alan, seriously mate, you need to pull yourself together! You're just wallowing in despair and self pity!. No-one argues what you're going through is incredibly painful and traumatic experience. Many of us been there too!!... But its turning into a morbid twisted self-deprecating depraved self-inflicted sado-masochism (NOT the healthy kind with a stiletto-ed dominatrix wielding a whip!). Its unpleasant for all to see... You don't want help (so you say) so what do you want from all us here at SOTT?? Is this you, till death do we all part?? Are you so determined to carry this on into 4D 5D 6D??? Your a good bloke Alan, but you're forcing us to be VERY cruel to be kind! You do understand that concept don't you? Of course you do... you are intelligent after all... Maybe you want it on some level?... Now, as the "all great HFL" (Lol!) says: Get back on that fucking horse !!... FOR YOUR DAUGHTERS SAKE!!!
And this... What am i supposed to make of this comment? or the following bits?
You seem to miss the real points i am trying to make, Those being, Your self and knowledge of such is not , repeat Not going to be changed by the company you keep,You may alter the outward face of that to a circle specific mask to smooth over the offending bits, but change the idea of self? Not going to happen, Sure the bias of the friendships you have will tend to alter your outward face but to alter the internal vision of self requires some serious trauma.
Now the tone is that i am pity struck and in need of help, Well i can say with out too much trouble the idea is silly, The force of my grounding is solid and in need of no help, My relation of these things in public have other uses and needs. I do notice the tendency is to assume weakness, the lack of empathy towards the ideas i put forth about the topic above, But the idea that i am a composition of the population of those that knew me is lost, Out at sea in a row boat caught in a gyre....I can see the idea is not what you think it is, The idea is a trick to confuse your assessment of self in ways more conducive to the path the evil of this world want you to take..... You can take this path or you can hear the words of a wallowing in self pity fool and learn something.
Or Not, The choice is yours. I seek no pity regardless of your claims, I ask for nothing, I place these thoughts and my contact name in the hopes the few tht need to use them might do so.
You can see what ever you want to, that is not for me to dictate, I have tried to relate a point of view to supply context to the angle of my commentary, you can choose to use or disregard my context, that is your choice. I on the other hand have a very keen understanding of the responsibilities i have to a child i have never met or even know the appearance of... not every situation is going to be as cut and dried as HFL or LindaMay would have you believe. Thinking that the path i have very carefully chosen in response to the insults received is wrong does not make you right does it?
We all have a point of view, I try to add clarity with mine as told, I don't have any troubles i cannot deal with given the protections i possess, God helps those that help themselves and if the idea that i am not helping myself is all that is perceived then i will have to work on that.
The entire mess is full of thorns and barbs to snag your elbow upon, But i have faith the proper resolution will manifest for me and my child in spite of the works of some nasty bitch.
Ok, you want to help others with your uniquely valuable experiences of pain. Fair do's. I get that. But I'd suggest you do so without the negative stigmas you've become so attached to and hold on so dearly... And they are negative! Make no mistake! You wear the experience of your pain like a warm cloak wrapped tightly around you on a cold Calgary night. If you think that somehow gives you strength through becoming a beacon for others whom experience similar pain and anguish? That's your call of course. Yeh, maybe you are able to turn your negativity into a positive out-let for other tormented souls. Who am i to argue. But you still got that belly full o' hate and bitterness. Its written all over. The hate and bitterness festering still, will eventually corrupt your 'mission' . I've no doubt of that. You could end up doing more harm than good... maybe a cult: EvilSlain . (I actually quite like the name... It has a certain ring to it - and speaks to many)
Good Luck!
May you have a Happy Christmas too, Alan!
I just read this. You being sagg well.... you re in your major 3-year turn-about next week. Also... today was... life-changing theme coming from our star-nations.
My bet (canadian quarter) is still on you having scorp and capricorn (moon/rising signs). The starpeople will not let you come up for air until you re doing as you re doing TODAY. Good on you Alan.
Alan, (we clearly see) you are a real, good, and decent, GentleMan (that is soooo rare to find in our world). A new mail name would suit you so much better. ... and bring new friends into your world.
We like you Alan!
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I will respond to each, That is if you are legit.
I knew the lurking tally was better than i thought, Welcome to you all, Nice to hear from you and have a Happy Christmas....
EvilSlain.... horrible?
Lunacy.
Never was/will.... to spend the day.
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Sadness can heal if you want it to....
Sadness keeps the heart tender, NOT bitter. That is the way.
Sadness, i accompanied my dad's daily bewilderment n sobbing for 2 whole years, locked up in a sanitorium on his 85th birthday, cut off from his 4 grandkids, et al, being fed typical 'frenchie' white toast twice daily (he s german) scitso (cant spell that) drugs to keep him emprisoned.... until my mom killed him with OD.
My multimillionaire brother bribed my dad s lawyer, i was robbed thrice, my ma wanted his GM life's work bank account and 15000 sq ft property, to herself.
I know SAD, i ve made room, for SAD. SO did DAD.
The night she went i was crushed, The ensuing shit storm my sis engaged put my ass firmly in the PTSD ward, living out of a car for years.
fighting off that crap on top of the other shit seriously hardened my outlook, All i could do was spit in her face and leave her to her downfall.
The entire period from the winter march in 2009 to the refuge i now inhabit, i would not inflict upon my worst enemy.
Much of the loss was in trusting the women involved to act like humans...... Now i have new eyes and a healthy mistrust of much of the female side i am exposed.... I could never have done 1/10 of the nasty shit they did to me, to them..... But like the first investigation of fire by the young, you learn the hard lessons with enough pain to set the lesson in stone..... And learn i did.
Now the shields are up and the radar is looking to the horizon the compass round. Any woman can approach, but the rules are strict and inviolate. If i had used common sense in 2000 and listened to the tiny voice and it's warning i would have been far better off.... but that was then and now is now.
This whole idea that who you are is related to who you befriend is so phony it really does try your patients at times.... my thinking that i could counter her " Me " complex with what ever i tried was a fools errand, she was what she was nothing will change that, same banana for my laundry dropping sister, hard head, zero empathy..... Quit whilst you are ahead is the best advice.
This place needs plenty more if we are going to live here without attacking each other....
I remember once upon a time, coming out of the flats where I lived in Brockwell Court...[Link] looking over into Nevena Court, and seeing this motionless body lying on the grass. Fearing the worst, I went over to have a look, "Are you all right, mate?" I said, and the body made this kind of g-r-o-a-n. As I got closer, I saw this guy's face was covered in blood, and that he was just like this old, red faced Irish drunk/tramp fellah. "Come on Mister, I'll help you up". I got hold of his hand, pulled him up, and when he got up, he stared at me with a laser intensity that could have burned two great big holes in my head, and he s-c-r-e-a-m-e-d at me, to the utmost of his lung-power... "I HATE LIFE!!!!!!" I've never forgotten that incident, and have always kept it bookmarked in the back of my brain as an object lesson in what happens to you if you hate life, and what the consequences are of it hating you right back.
Leben Heißt Leben...[Link]
You bring so many gifts to our Sott tea-table Black Cartouche. Glad to have you "a-guestin' " with us!!
Sorry Prince Harry, 'Love at first sight doesn't actually exist, though men are more likely to think so', say psychologists
"How did you know she was the one?" Prince Harry was asked in his engagement interview with his fiancée Meghan Markle. "The very first time we met," he replied. Well that may have been the case...Alan's viewpoint on the article coupled with his own confessed experiences has evoked much discussion here.
I would only say that I have always been impressed by Alan's weaponry and military knowledge. Everyone is different, and in actuality, no two experiences are identical because the people are different. I believe one of the greatest fallacies in human life involves a supposition in human thinking that your experience matches mine. It doesn't.
Perhaps the current time in Alan's life requires sequestering and time alone. Often a warrior who does not understand his part in the fight withdraws. I would only add that, Alan, our outer life always reflects the inner life. So, your wife entered your life for a reason; she had something to teach you. When you can get to the point where you are eternally grateful for her compassion in allowing you this lesson, well...then, you've won.
"All there is is lessons"
All us here on SOTT are lessons for Alan too - just as Alan in turn a lesson for us here at SOTT!
Meditation to reach Alpha zone. Niiiiice.
And Coniferous Essential Oil. Hemlock!! Pin, Evergreens.
1 drop on wrist rub with other. 2-3/daily.
And everyone else of course
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