Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S

White House installs interactive toy desk so Joe Biden feels like he's working while Jill runs the country

The Babylon Bee
Thu, 04 Jul 2024 18:12 UTC

Biden toy desk jill biden oval office satire

In order to let President Biden feel like he is still working, the White House has installed a "Touch-And-Learn" activity desk for Biden to play at while First Lady Jill Biden runs the country.

"He just loves feeling like he's still a part of things," said Chief of Staff Ron Klain, watching the President spin a wheel. "Ope! Ring-ring, Mr. President! I think someone's calling on your little yellow phone!"

According to sources, Biden had become progressively more agitated as family members took over more of his previous roles. "Old people want to know they still have something to give, something to contribute," said aide Reyna Hensley. "Aw, look at the big boy doing his letters over there. Way to go, Mr. President! You're such a big help!"

White House aides report Biden has been much happier since the installation of the "Touch-And-Learn," with fewer temper tantrums. "He's screaming a lot less these days. It's really helped to keep his mind occupied, punching numbers on the little calculator," said Ms. Biden. "We were still letting him play with the actual Oval Office phones, but he started chewing on the cords. Plus, he called President Xi one day and asked if he would bring him a Lunchable. It was time."

At publishing time, the White House had bought a red and yellow "Cozy Coupe" so Biden could pretend he was still able to get around the White House by himself.

Biden solves Dem fundraising woes: Will become new mascot for Sleepytime tea

The Babylon Bee
Wed, 03 Jul 2024 17:57 UTC

With support from voters and donors dwindling in the wake of his highly publicized poor debate performance, President Joe Biden announced he had solved his campaign's fundraising woes by becoming the new mascot for Sleepytime Tea.

Biden, who hoped the new endorsement deal would help shore up lagging donation numbers as the presidential campaign enters the home stretch, said his partnership with the tea brand was a natural fit.

"I was born for this job," Biden said when announcing the deal. "While people give me a hard time about falling asleep during meetings with... meetings with state... state heads... with head states... heads of... those folks in the meetings, my ability to fall asleep in my chair makes me the perfect mascot for... for... mascot for... Medicare... I'm sorry... Sleepytime Tea."

Campaign insiders saw the new advertising deal as a shot in the arm for Biden's staggering re-election effort. "This could be exactly what we needed," said manager Jen O'Malley Dillon. "After he had a rough night at the debate last week, we didn't know if there was anything we could do to bring our fundraising back up. Thankfully, the people at Sleepytime Tea called us at just the right time. And by 'just the right time' I mean while Joe was napping. The fact that he was asleep when they called really helped seal the deal."

At publishing time, new packaging of Sleepytime Tea featuring Biden's likeness was expected to hit store shelves by next week, giving campaign staffers plenty of time to stock up and sedate themselves on election night.

Democrat leaders convince Biden he's already stepped down

The Babylon Bee
Mon, 01 Jul 2024 17:41 UTC

In a clever move to encourage an embattled Biden to relinquish his position, Democrat leaders convinced the President he had already stepped down yesterday.

"There's no shame in bowing out while you're so ahead," Nancy Pelosi told Joe Biden. "You're at the top of your game, Joe. It's great that you agreed to step down and hand over the reins to someone a little more...alive. Thank you for making that decision all on your own...because you did. Remember?"

Democrats spent the better part of Sunday convincing the President that stepping down was his idea and reminding him he said he'd bow out of the election and hand over power to either Gretchen Whitmer, Gavin Newsom, Michelle Obama, The Monopoly Man, or three members of Hamas stacked on top of each other wearing a trenchcoat but definitely NOT Kamala Harris.

"Yes, I do remember saying all that. That does sound like me," Biden commented to a nearby houseplant. "What are you gonna do about it, little plant boy? Whahtiergohrrrghhh. Biden out."

As of publishing time, Jill Biden could be seen supergluing her husband to the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office and screaming at aides to barricade the doors.

Dems sticking with Biden: It would be a 'real pain' to reprint the ballots they already filled out

The Babylon Bee
Mon, 01 Jul 2024 14:55 UTC

Despite a significant majority of the nation now believing President Biden mentally unfit for office, the Democratic Party has decided to stay with Biden as its nominee as it would be a huge pain to reprint the tens of thousands of ballots they already filled out.

"On one hand, the nation now knows Biden is incapable of thinking and is a clear and present danger to himself and the country," said DNC chair Jaime Harrison. "On the other hand, it would be SUCH a pain to have to reprint all those ballots when we already filled them all out. It's so tedious! Aw, screw it... let's just stick with Biden."

The Democratic Party considered replacing Biden after the Presidential debate revealed his inability to walk or speak, but the amount of ballots already prepared for harvesting dissuaded them. "Obviously, Biden can't operate a frialator, much less run a country," said White House chief of staff Jeff Zeints. "To have him continue to be the corpse-like mouthpiece of the Party is nothing short of elder abuse, and everyone knows it. Still, do you know how long it takes to fill out two hundred thousand ballots? Ugh, it is so much work! Forget it."

At publishing time, annoyed Democrats had begun preparing another hundred thousand ballots for harvesting after seeing how bad the post-debate poll numbers looked.

DOJ opens new tipline for criminals to report whistleblowers

The Babylon Bee
Tue, 25 Jun 2024 20:20 UTC

merrick garland whistleblower tip line criminals

Attorney General Merrick Garland announced Thursday that the DOJ has opened a brand new tipline that criminals could call to report on whistleblowers.

"We will not be intimidated," Garland said during his announcement. "We will not back down from defending our democracy from whistleblowers."

The tipline was reportedly created in response to a recent controversy in which a nurse at Texas Children's Hospital blew the whistle on the illegal use of taxpayer funds to perform transgender surgeries on minors. The FBI heard about it days later from a journalist and were appalled they hadn't been contacted directly.

"See, that call should have come directly to us," FBI Director Christopher Wray said. "If you tell us about crimes when they're already public, we can't cover them up. And that's a big no-no. Don't you care about our democracy?"

President Biden authorized the creation of the number, noting that no one likes a tattle-tale. "Look, Jack. My brothers used to tell on me when we were kids. I wish we had a number back then we could call, but phones didn't exist back then," he said.

At publishing time, people using the Whistleblower Hotline were arrested for whistleblowing on the whistleblowers.

If you know someone about to blow the whistle or has already done so, you may report it to the Whistleblower Hotline. Just dial 545 or 'KIL' and an operator will gladly assist you.

Walt Disney posthumously fired by Walt Disney Company for being white male

The Babylon Bee
Sun, 23 Jun 2024 23:58 UTC

Walt Disney

In a move intended to show its ongoing commitment to diversity and righting any wrongs of the past, The Walt Disney Company announced it had posthumously fired Walt Disney for being a white male.

Disney leadership made the move in an effort to show that the company remains ever-vigilant to weed out the oppressive presence of Caucasian men from within its ranks and will go to whatever lengths are necessary to project a more diverse image in the future.

"We're deeply sorry we were founded by a white guy," said Senior Vice President and Chief Diversity Officer Tinisha Agramonte. "It is always our goal to fill every position with someone who is not a white male, and we were devastated to learn that The Walt Disney Company was, in fact, started by Walt Disney. We apologize for this error and have taken the appropriate steps to rectify it. We will do better."

Company executives were shocked and saddened to learn that Walt Disney, a white man, had founded what became The Walt Disney Company over a century ago, leading to the swift action of posthumously terminating Disney's association with the media and entertainment giant. "His tyrannical white male rule is over," Agramonte continued. "We will now be offering counseling and reparations to any employees of The Walt Disney Company who may have been hurt by the fact that it was founded by Walt Disney."

At publishing time, it was reported that company executives had launched an internal investigation to determine if CEO Bob Iger, a white male, should face disciplinary action for being a white male.

Archaeologists find depiction of 'Simpsons' character on 3,000-year-old Egyptian mummy coffin

Nikki Main
The Daily Mail
Fri, 21 Jun 2024 16:11 UTC

The depiction of a beloved 'Simpsons' character has been discovered inside a 3,500-year-old Egyptian mummy's sarcophagus.

Archaeologists found the inner lid featured a drawing of a yellow-colored woman in a long, green garment with blue hair shaped in a rectangle - similar to the look of Marge Simpson.

The photo of the ancient coffin was recently shared on Reddit where it generated excitement from people on Reddit who asked 'Marge?' and joked that 'Egypt predicted Simpsons.'

While the imagery bears a striking resemblance to the cartoon character, experts believe it depicts the woman buried in the coffin as she traveled to the afterlife.

White House claims terrible economy is just a deepfake - UPDATE: Press secretary claims deepfake accusations are a deepfake

The Babylon Bee
Thu, 20 Jun 2024 15:44 UTC

White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre satire

In the wake of White House statements that labeled coverage of Biden's completely normal and unconcerning 49-second pauses as "maliciously edited deepfakes," official US government sources have confirmed that the seemingly terrible US economy is in fact just another devious deepfake.

According to sources in the White House, the rampant inflation, increasingly unsustainable load of debt, and out-of-control government spending are merely a cleverly crafted far-right conspiracy-theory deepfake that has been invented to cast doubt and aspersions on President Biden's excellent, highly commendable, and competent leadership of the country.

"Rest assured, Americans — those sky-high gas prices and unaffordable groceries are nothing but a well-done deepfake. I'm surprised you all got fooled so easily," chuckled White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, patronizingly patting a reporter from the New York Post on the head. "In reality, the economy is just fine and the president is absolutely, 100% capable of fulfilling his duties. Hahaha, imagine believing that left-wing policies could lead to anything but a stellar economy! Deepfakes, deepfakes, nothing but CGI and AI!"

When asked for comment, President Biden initially appeared to stare blankly at the nearest wall for several minutes without moving before starting to chew on a nearby pencil, but this was later revealed to be "another one of those darn deepfakes" by a White House staffer who confirmed that the President had actually given an eloquent and reassuring answer.

At publishing time, the White House had issued a warning that the live-streamed upcoming CNN debate might be seriously marred by deepfakes, depending on how quickly Biden answers questions from the teleprompter.

Comment:

UPDATE 19/06/2024:

In an awkwardly contentious exchange with reporters today, Karine Jean-Pierre claimed the video where she said embarrassing videos of President Joe Biden were deepfakes was also a deepfake.

Confusion arose this week after Jean-Pierre alleged that Biden had been the victim of a smear campaign by right-wing extremists to circulate doctored videos that make the president appear incompetent and feeble, though she now claims the video of her doing so was also a deepfake.

"That's clearly not a real video of me," said the black and gay White House Press Secretary, who is gay and also black. "These far-right conspiracy theorists will stop at nothing to spread their dangerous propaganda. Any evidence that allegedly shows me saying video clips depicting the president as unfit to serve were deepfakes is clearly a deepfake."

Members of the White House press corps proceeded to play a clip of the video from a day earlier, which appeared to show Jean-Pierre labeling the negative Biden clips as deepfakes. "This is you," said one reporter. "We were here. We listened to you say it."

"Deepfake!" Jean-Pierre said tersely as she cut the reporter off immediately. "You're a deepfake. You're deepfaking right now. This isn't happening. I'm not here. I'm not saying these words right now. Don't look at me. Deepfake!"

Journalists reported Jean-Pierre then directed their attention to the back of the room while she sprinted away from the podium and out of the briefing room.

At publishing time, Jean-Pierre had released an official statement claiming that this article was a deepfake.

Obama panics as Biden's remote control loses connection

The Babylon Bee
Wed, 19 Jun 2024 18:36 UTC

The most powerful man in America was forced to deal with an unexpected emergency last night, with former President Barack Obama suffering a moment of panic due to his Biden remote control suddenly losing connection.

The incident occurred during a ritzy fundraiser where Obama was once again using his state-of-the-art remote control to guide President Joe Biden through a pre-programmed routine as he rubbed elbows with Hollywood celebrities to raise cash for his re-election campaign.

"Oh... oh no... not again," Obama was heard muttering on stage as Biden appeared to experience yet another of his frequent glitches and freeze, leaving Obama at a loss as to what to do. "Why can't they get this thing fixed?! C'mon, man! He's frozen out there like a mannequin again. Those maintenance techs are going to get a piece of my mind!"

Witnesses reported seeing Obama frantically and repeatedly smacking the remote control with his hand. "He was obviously frustrated, as if this is something that happens a lot," one person present at the fundraiser said. "Biden was stopped in his tracks and showed no signs of coming back to life, and Obama was just out there desperately trying to get his control to work properly."

"I pushed every button multiple times!" Obama reportedly said to Biden's handlers. "I tried to do a hard restart, and it still didn't work. We've got to get this figured out before November, folks."

At publishing time, the team of technicians who had been in charge of ensuring the usability of Obama's Biden remote was reportedly being taken for an impromptu paddleboarding excursion at Obama's Martha's Vineyard estate.

Biden wonders why Europe didn't just arrest conservative candidates before election

The Babylon Bee
Mon, 10 Jun 2024 15:04 UTC

As shockwaves continued to reverberate around the globe following sweeping victories for the European political right, U.S. President Joe Biden asked aides why Europe didn't just arrest the conservative candidates before the election.

As conservative candidates in multiple countries won by significant margins, the current American leader expressed surprise that the ruling globalist regimes didn't simply have their chief political rivals imprisoned.

"Why didn't they do... the thing?" Biden was overheard asking White House aides after learning about the election results in Europe. "It's simple, folks. When you've got an election coming up, and it looks like you're... looks like you're... you're about to... you're gonna... it looks like... not good, all you have to do is throw the fella in prison. Or the broad. Whatever. Arresting your opponents and putting them in prison is the easiest way to win elections. It's also... it's... anyway. Cheesegrater."

A White House insider disclosed that Biden had even placed phone calls to various leaders across Europe late last night to ask them why they hadn't just put their rivals in jail. "He was baffled," the anonymous source said. "He was telling them that this is the second most important election strategy, with rigging the voting machines being the only thing slightly more important."

At publishing time, the White House was reportedly hoping to schedule an impromptu trip for Biden to make a European tour to give lessons on how to weaponize your country's judicial system for political gain.

Comment: Bonus Bee!

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