Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

Zelensky disappointed to learn Orlando Bloom not actually a fearsome elf warrior

orlando bloom zelensky
© ReutersVladimir Zelensky meets Orlando Bloom sans ears
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky reportedly had difficulty concealing his disappointment today after meeting Orlando Bloom and finding out he is not actually a fearsome elf warrior.

"This is not what I expected," Zelensky was overheard telling his aides when the actor arrived. "I told you I wanted to meet Legolas. Where are the pointy ears? The long, flowing blonde hair? He is not even carrying a bow and arrows! I wanted the fierce elven warrior to inflict heavy casualties on the Russian army, not this effeminate man with whispy facial hair! I was at least hoping to have access to some mithril to armor my soldiers!"

The Lord of the Rings star became the latest in many Hollywood entertainers who have made public relations pilgrimages to pay homage to the Ukrainian President. "It is truly a great honor to meet the great President Zelesnky," Bloom said to reporters who were brought in to document the meeting. "I came here to show respect and support for Ukraine and also to remind people that I'm alive and that I have not retired from acting and would greatly appreciate a job. Please contact my agent for casting calls!"

Zelensky managed to maintain decorum and politeness when interacting with Bloom but was clearly depressed that his plan to have an elite elven fighting machine as his army's secret weapon would not be realized.

At publishing time, Zelensky was relieved to have completed his meeting with Bloom and was later heard telling his aides that he wanted to move to "Plan B," which is believed to be flying in Liam Neeson and Keanu Reeves.

Smiley

Kanye West changes his mind about Jewish people

kanye west
© Joel Ryan/Invision/AP
US rap artist Kanye West has watched the comedy 21 Jump Street, starring actor Jonah Hill, and it has changed his outlook on Jewish people, he wrote on Instagram on Saturday. The musician has been at the center of multiple anti-Semitism scandals.

"Watching Jonah Hill in 21 Jump Street made me like Jewish people again," West said. "No one should take anger against one or two individuals and transform that into hatred towards millions of innocent people," he elaborated, possibly referring to himself in the post that has already garnered 1.4 million likes.

West concluded the post by thanking Hill and saying he loves him.

The rapper, who legally changed his name to 'Ye,' is a multi-Grammy award winning artist and producer. In October 2022, Ye posted to Twitter that he was about to go "death con 3 On JEWISH PEOPLE," a reference to the US defense readiness alert system. The tweet was removed and West's account was suspended. In December, West was a guest on the controversial InfoWars podcast, hosted by Alex Jones. During the show, the rapper stated that he "sees good things about Hitler."

Megaphone

Parrot's big mouth gets Indian men life sentences

Parrot
© Getty Images / Jaber Abdulkhaleg
Two men have been sentenced to life in prison in India for a 2014 killing that was reportedly solved thanks in part to the dead woman's pet parrot, which is believed to have witnessed the murder.

Special Judge Mohammed Rashid sentenced Ashu Sharma and Ronnie Massey to life in prison plus a fine of 72,000 rupees ($874) on Thursday based on evidence collected after Sharma confessed to killing his aunt, Neelam Sharma, with the help of his friend.

The pair entered the victim's home in Agra on February 20, 2014, when her husband was away at a wedding with their children. They stabbed her 14 times and even stabbed her pet dog nine times, Neelam's daughter Nivedita Sharma told India Today. Her cousin had intended to "kill and loot," she explained, as he knew where the couple stored their cash and jewelry, having visited his aunt's house many times and even stayed there for years. Her father Vijay had even given his nephew 80,000 rupees ($972) toward an MBA degree.

Comment: Could be a plot for an episode of Twin Peaks!


Smiley

Government demands TikTok stop spying on Americans: 'That's our job'

tik tok us hearings TikTok CEO Shou Zi Chew
TikTok CEO Shou Zi Chew
As TikTok CEO Shou Zi Chew faced questioning from the House Committee on Energy and Commerce on Capitol Hill, leaders from the United States government issued strong demands that TikTok stop spying on American citizens because that's the government's job.

"Stay off our turf!" Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said to assembled members of the press. "How can the federal government be expected to effectively spy on all of our citizens if we've got this TikTok app and the Chinese Communist Party getting in our way trying to do the same thing? If anyone is going to be violating the privacy of the American people, it should be us!"

Concerns continue to grow that the social media video app is harvesting private data from millions of American users and funneling it to the Chinese government, a charge that the TikTok CEO vehemently denies. "The Honorable and Most Excellent President Xi told me to say we do not collect sensitive data from our users," said Mr. Chew when questioned. "We also do not know anything about Senator McConnell browsing for videos of female turtles in the middle of the night last Thursday. Any insinuation otherwise is simply paranoia!"

The White House was quick to weigh in on the controversy. "It is the policy of this administration to keep the spying on of American people here at home where it belongs," said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "While he is hesitant to ban TikTok, President Biden vows to never outsource the violation of our citizens' privacy."

At publishing time, congressional leaders were setting up meetings with Big Tech firms to ask them to create a similar app that would allow the government to spy on citizens with homegrown, American-made products.

Smiley

Biden assures Americans their bank deposits are safe in Ukraine

biden satire
© The Babylon Bee"Trust me. I was raised in a family of Afro-Irish-Puerto Rican, elite, working-class bankers!"
Amid the monumental collapse of several banks over the last few days and broader fears that the banking system is no longer safe, President Biden made a statement to assure Americans that all their bank deposits are perfectly safe in Ukraine.

"Folks don't worry. Due to the decisive actions of this administration, everyone's money is safe in Ukraine," said Biden. "I withdrew all the money and shipped it over there last night myself! My son Hunter personally supervised the transfer! That's leadership! I'm sure the Ukrainians will put your money to good use by buying bazookas and paying the pensions of government officials. I will take no questions at this time."

Biden then did an about-face and spent 15 minutes trying to walk out of the room as he couldn't find the door.

Americans are being assured to wait until the war in Ukraine is over and they pay us back before making any large withdrawals.

At publishing time, 12 more banks had collapsed during Biden's speech.

Smiley

Manhattan DA Bragg announces plan to get Trump elected in 2024

trump satire
© The Babylon BeeTrump: "It's a good plan, it's the best plan. I couldn't have done better myself."
Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg has announced a brilliant new plan to get Trump elected President in 2024.

"I will stop at absolutely nothing to put Trump back in the White House where he belongs," said Mr. Bragg. "I'm about to charge up his base like you've never seen!"

Mr. Bragg had carefully waited until the moment he could give Trump the biggest political boost to push forward with an indictment. "Check and mate, libs," laughed Mr. Bragg as he pulled on a MAGA hat. "I've already put in my request to be Trump's Transportation Secretary, I hear it's super easy. 2024, here we come!"

After lawyers of every political allegiance agreed there was no criminal case against Trump over hush money paid during his 2016 campaign, Mr. Bragg knew taking the hopeless case was his big chance. "The optics of Democrats indicting, even handcuffing Trump on charges that have no chance of sticking - what more could the Trump campaign ask for?" said MSNBC's Rachel Maddow. "Mr. Bragg might be the most brilliant Republican strategist this century. He's playing chess while the rest of us are out here playing checkers."

At publishing time, Governor Ron DeSantis was wondering what sort of crime he needed to be indicted for to keep pace with Trump.

Ambulance

Hilarious! Elon Musk triggers angry old man Olbermann with tweet

keith olbermann elon musk
© ODD ANDERSEN/AFP via Getty Images and Chris Sorensen for The Washington Post via Getty Images
Olbermann tries to get Musk banned from Twitter, which Musk owns.

Elon Musk managed to once again live under the skin of leftist news anchor turned demented shouty old man Keith Olbermann, after the Twitter CEO stated that Jacob Chansley, the so called "QAnon Shaman," had been "falsely portrayed in the media as a violent criminal."

Musk first tweeted this:


Smiley

Democrats warn that anyone watching unedited Jan 6 tapes could arrive at 'unapproved' conclusions

chuck schumer
Keeping America safe!
Democrat leaders have issued a dire warning to Americans, saying that anyone who watches unedited clips of the footage from January 6 runs the risk of arriving at a conclusion that hasn't been approved by Democrat leaders.

"This is a very dangerous situation," said Democrat Senator Chuck Schumer. "We work hard every day to make sure Americans all have all the correct opinions. With thousands of hours of footage being given to the American public with no filter, we're in grave danger of some people not agreeing with us, or worse — not giving us politicians more and more unchecked power. This is an existential threat to democracy."

Mitch McConnell, another Democrat Senator, agreed. "I'm terrified right now," he said. "What if everyone starts thinking we're lying frauds? I'm not saying we are, but it would be terrible if people came to such a scary — and unapproved — conclusion."

Experts also weighed in, warning that if unapproved opinions are allowed to spread, it may lead to unapproved leaders being elected for unapproved reasons. "As experts, we wouldn't approve of this," said one expert.

At publishing time, Democrats released findings from the intelligence community stating the Jan 6 tapes were unapproved Russian disinformation.

Boat

UK says the Russians sank the Titanic

Briton Samuel Halpern came to surprising conclusions about the most famous shipwreck.

Titanic
© EASTERN NEWS
Oh, the famous Hollywood director James Cameron rushed with the shooting of his famous movie "Titanic". I would have waited a quarter of a century, you see, now, taking into account the change in the international situation, not 11 Oscars, but three times more, I could go out and find my masterpiece. It just needed to be corrected. After all, it turned out that such a plot was brewing there that, against its background, the official version of the death of the liner - a collision with an iceberg - would have seemed somewhat boring and unbearable.

Hold on tight, now you will learn a terrible secret. The catastrophe that claimed the lives of one and a half thousand people was created by the captain of the ship, Edward John Smith, because in fact he could be called Ivan Vasilyevich Sidorov, since this sailor had Russian roots.

The British Samuel Halpern, who calls himself the investigator of the largest shipwreck in world history, has just come to such amazing conclusions. He rummaged through the archives for a long time and eventually pulled out documents from them, giving, in his opinion, the claim that Smith "was of Russian origin."

Smiley

Desperate King Charles to ask The Wolfe Tones to play at his coronation

Charles and Wolfe Tones
© Waterford Whispers News
AS RUMOURS circulate that everyone from Elton John to Harry Styles have declined to play at King Charles coronation, the desperate monarch has begun personally reaching out to musical acts to ensure his big day isn't a damp squib.

"You'd be surprised at the number of people who aren't that interested in playing music for a 73-year-old's party to celebrate how his mum died and he inherited billions tax free," shared a palace insider who just got off the phone with an S Club 7 tribute act who are sadly booked that day.

Growing increasingly worried spending millions on a back-patting day won't turn out to be the huge PR win it should be, Charles has reached out to a hip new band called The Wolfe Tones after one of the Irish staff working at the palace personally recommended them.