Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Biden blames White House cocaine on black guy who lived there before

© The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the rumor mill still churning despite the Secret Service closing its investigation, President Joe Biden blamed the presence of cocaine in the West Wing of the White House on a black man who used to live there.

"One of those suspicious colored fellas used to live here," Biden said to reporters assembled on the White House lawn as he came outside for his morning recess time. "Black folks are always dealing drugs, which is why I pushed so hard to incarcerate them decades ago. Nobody listened. Now, one of them lived here for years. He was a bad dude. Borfarginbinder."

Ever since a white powder that later tested positive for cocaine was discovered in the White House, speculation has run rampant that it may have belonged to President Biden's son, Hunter. "People are trying to say it belonged to my son, but that's an awful thing to say because my son passed away years ago," Biden said. "It's time for us to move on, just like the black fella who lived here before. He doesn't live here anymore, he just calls me up every day and tells me what I need to do. Mint chocolate chip."


Embarrassed man could've sworn the invitation said 'Costume Party'

© The Babylon Bee
LITHUANIA — A Ukrainian attendee at this year's NATO Summit found himself feeling embarrassed upon realizing the get-together was not, in fact, a costume party as he had thought.

"Zoinks! This is humiliating!" said the man, who was wearing a brand-new army-man costume complete with realistic army shoes. "I'm sticking out like a sore thumb here! Why am I the only one not wearing a fancy suit? Didn't the invite say to wear the coolest costumes we can come up with?"

"UGH! So awkward!"


Roasted! Bud Light tries to build excitement on Twitter and the replies are comedic gold

Bud Light beer
© Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images
It's a wrap for Bud Light.

Ever since the Anheuser-Busch brand decided to launch an advertising campaign with transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney (and I still can't get over how they chose March Madness to do it), they've been absolutely blasted with criticism and lash back.

It's been bad for Bud Light in every way imaginable. From their sales taking a nosedive to their stock prices taking a hit to getting absolutely roasted on social media, the beer giant hasn't been able to catch a break. And their collapse isn't stopping anytime soon either, as I just recently blogged about how their decline is expected to go into the fall — football season! (Bummer)

Well, to their credit, Bud Light keeps marching along like nothing ever happened and is on an aggressive campaign to win back America's heart. But um, it's not working at all. And that's being nice, it's an outright disaster. Just take their latest tweet for example.


DC police say they may never discover who left bag of cocaine labeled 'Property of H. Biden' at White House

Property of H Biden
© The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference this morning, interim DC Police Chief Ashan Benedict said that while they have top investigators on the case, they may never know exactly who left a bag of cocaine labeled "Property of H. Biden" in the White House while Hunter Biden was there.

"Listen, this is a difficult case to solve," said Benedict to reporters. "The initial 'H' could be anyone. Hank, Herman, Harry... the possibilities are endless. We will do our best to solve this, but we need the American people to know that this extraordinarily difficult case might just be unsolvable forever."


Biden promise to restore decency in White House fulfilled as crack found was of 'highest quality'

joe biden cocaine satire
Only the best for the White House family
Joe Biden's pledge during the 2020 Presidential Election to restore decency and integrity to the White House has been fulfilled, as testing revealed the cocaine found on the premises this week was truly of the highest quality.

"It is this administration's policy to maintain the highest standards," said Karine Jean-Pierre, a black gay White House Press Secretary who made history as a gay person who is black and works as the White House Press Secretary. "The American people deserve to feel confident that any cocaine found within the presidential residence will only be of the very finest kind."

Word spread quickly after a substance discovered at the White House tested positive as cocaine. With suspicions immediately raised that the presence of the cocaine happened to coincide with the President's son, Hunter, staying at the White House, the administration sought to quickly change the subject from the owner of the cocaine to its level of quality.

"We all saw what the previous administration did to this country," Jean-Pierre continued. "Low gas prices. Low unemployment. Affordable houses. Peace in the Middle East. A prosperous economy. Strength in the military and at the border. A veritable laundry list of things we had to correct when we took control of the country. You can be sure that if any cocaine were found here under Trump's watch, it would have been some shoddy stuff that likely has baking soda or talcum powder cut into it. Shameful. This administration only allows the purest Colombian blow."

At publishing time, former President Donald Trump had been notified that he may be facing new indictments for the cocaine found at the Biden White House.

Comment: Bonus Bee!


Dems devastated as Supreme Court bans robbing the poor

us supreme court
Leftists are devastated this morning after the Supreme Court passed down a new ruling that will ban robbing those who didn't attend college to pay for the expensive and useless degrees of those who did.

"If the useless poor can't pay for my $300,000 Diversity and Belonging Doctorate degree, what good are they?" said Dr. Mikayla Barnes, a local Starbucks shift manager. "What am I supposed to do now? Work more? I'm ruined!"

Sources say this tragic ruling will adversely affect the lives of thousands of feminists who will no longer be able to afford blue hair dye, and may now have to find a rich man to marry them. "How could the poors be so coldhearted to our suffering?" said Barnes. "Curse you, Clarence Thomas!"

At publishing time, Democrats had been rocked by further tragedy as SCOTUS ruled you can't force Christians to do gay stuff.

Comment: Bonus Bee!


Source of Canadian Wildfires found: "Russia done did it!!"

canada wildfires
"See, that's Russia just over yonder! It must be them Ruskies fault!"
Allegations put Russia at the centre of the controversy

While it may not be obvious to some, there are those who believe that Russia is behind the wildfires now raging across Eastern Canada.

Intelligence experts have indicated that there is a strong possibility that Russia is testing their ability to bring down our electric grid and bring the war in Ukraine to America's shores.

Security analysts estimates suggest that this was an "proof of concept " according to one official familiar with the matter. "It sure isn't that global warming bullshit. Something far more unprecedented and insidious is going on" he added.

The accusations are not without foundation.

Comment: Ric's illuminating bio:
Quotes bring Insight into the Deranged Mind of the Author RIC MARSHALL
"I thought it might be cathartic; a way to get these thoughts out of my head without surgery. That and my stone tablets were delayed."
The author, Ric Marshall, from his basement in Edmonton, Alberta, old, more ugly than handsome, swashbuckling doesn't even come up, on why he started this site
"A kink in the artery to the pineal gland. Or the corpus callosum. At this point I know not which."
The author, during a lucid bathroom break, once again failing to describe why he started this site
"I don't know.It's a bit of a fog. I was really drunk at the time."
"The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a flame to be kindled."
"The mind is a terrible thing to waste. I will do my best."
The author, who should have left it to Plutarch
"There comes a time when you have to be honest, have to face your personal demons, have to throw away all your preconceptions and a priori visions of the world around you.

Fortunately, that time is not yet upon us."
The author, being really, really philosophical
"Before I was born, I helped my father build our house, but I never knew my mother, she left home before I was born."
The author, updating his bio
"I feel a responsibility to those not as fortunate as I, so my next website will be in Braille".
The author, the webmaster, the wannabe
"Maybe the voices in my head are real, maybe they aren't; they have some pretty good ideas".
The author, exposing his muses with questionable syntax
"Why does nobody read this crap? I'll tell you why. The right, and the left, are working together to shut me down.

I think I am going to call the Internet and give them a piece of my mind."
The author, continuing his plans for world domination. One hopes the piece of his mind he gives "the Internet" isn't that large; he is almost out.


Trump, Kennedy struck down by 'magic bullet'

Experts say improbable trajectory was purely coincidental.
Magic Bullet
© Kevin’s Newsletter
The simultaneous assassinations of leading 2024 presidential contenders Donald J. Trump and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. have stunned the nation. Perhaps inevitably, conspiracy theories have been circulating on social media almost as fast as they can be removed by trust-and-safety experts.

All scientists and fact-checkers agree that those conspiracy theories are baseless and unsubstantiated. According to ballistics experts, the bullet that traversed Trump's skull at Mar-a-Lago, turned 180 degrees, and traveled over 2500 miles to Malibu, California, shattering RFK Jr.'s kitchen window and penetrating his chest, has been recovered from a stretcher and subjected to painstaking analysis. That bullet, it turns out, was fired from one of the worst rifles ever manufactured by a mediocre marksman crouched in the window of the School Book Depository building in Dallas, Texas. The lone assassin — a Palestinian anti-vaxxer and anti-Semitic conspiracy theorist named Sirhan Oswald Sirhan — hated Trump and Kennedy because they loved Israel.

Light Sabers

Musk picks location for 'cage match' with Zuckerberg

cage fighter
Twitter owner and Tesla CEO Elon Musk and Facebook parent Meta Platforms CEO Mark Zuckerberg may meet in Las Vegas for a high-profile "cage match."

The two billionaires have been exchanging barbs on social media throughout the past week, over Zuckerberg's plans to launch a Twitter rival. The tete-a-tete began with Musk's reply to a tweet from Mario Nawfal from International Blockchain Consulting on June 20, who wrote "META to Release 'Twitter Rival' Called THREADS."

Threads will reportedly be a standalone, text-based social network app that Meta plans to launch through Instagram to challenge Twitter.

Musk responded to the tweet with: "I'm sure Earth can't wait to be exclusively under Zuck's thumb with no other options. At least it will be 'sane.' Was worried there for a moment."


Joe Rogan savagely bullies scientist by inviting him on podcast to explain his position

joe rogan hotes vaccines rfk
Joe Rogan and Dr. Peter Hotez
In a brazen and shameful example of brutal cyberbullying, podcast host Joe Rogan has invited pro-vaccine health expert Doctor Peter Hotez to come on his show and explain his position to millions of listeners.

"We've seen inexcusable behavior from Rogan before, but this, frankly, is beyond the pale," said MSNBC Health Correspondent Samir Monkiypax. "The honorable Dr. Hotez is too pure to debase himself before a podcast audience by sharing his expertise regarding vaccine safety. Now he must deal with the unspeakable trauma of being invited on Joe Rogan's show. How could you, Joe Rogan?!"

Sources say Dr. Hotez has been forced into hiding due to the constant, terrifying harassment of Joe Rogan inviting him on his show. "My life is ruined," said Hotez to reporters from a secure location. "When you bully me, you're bullying science. How heartless do you have to be to bully science?"

Sources report Rogan has doubled down on his sadistic persecution of Hotez by confirming he has an open invitation to share his vast knowledge with the world any time he wants.

At publishing time, Rogan had claimed another bullying victim after asking that one elk meat guy to come on the show and talk about elk meat again.