Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


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Reporters suspicious of White House Biden press conference: 'Looks like it was shot in Minecraft'

biden press conference minecraft satire
© The Babylon Bee
Several reporters and political commentators have raised concerns about President Biden's recent press conference, as it seems to have been filmed entirely in Minecraft.

The half-hour-long press conference has been "deemed suspicious" by a number of analysts, most of whom point to Biden's surprisingly cogent answers, lack of gaffes, and suspiciously blocky appearance as a Minecraft character as evidence that Biden may not actually have been involved in the conference.

"It's just a little bit off-key," said Kelly-Anne Gramby, a political reporter who watched the conference broadcast live. "It all just seemed to work too well. Joe knew all the answers to every question, he didn't call Trump his vice-president, his voice didn't sound like he'd been chainsmoking cigarettes for the last five hours, and he looked kinda chunky. Square, if you know what I mean. He was definitely an animated speaker, though...wait, not like that sort of animated!"

While sources claim that the White House had hoped to dispel any rumors that Biden might be on death's door with the conference, most viewers have nonetheless remained unconvinced.

At publishing time, the White House had further failed to quell public concerns about Biden, even after releasing a live Biden press conference that seemed all too similar to Fortnite.

Snakes in Suits

Meet Kamala Harris's 6-Year-Old Speechwriter


Have you ever wondered how Kamala Harris comes up with her brilliant insights? Meet Oliver Bartholomew, the vice president's 6-year-old speechwriter. He writes words good.

Pumpkin 2

Biden to make future statements via ouija board

Karine Jean-Pierre ouiji board biden satire
© The Babylon BeeWhite House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre announced the new format after Biden stepped down as the Democrat presidential candidate
In response to questions that arose from his supposedly resigning from the race and going missing for several days, the White House revealed that Joe Biden would make an official statement today via Ouija board.

"Starting today, the president will answer all questions from the Great Beyond," said black and gay White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is gay and black. "This is in no way meant to suggest the President is dead or anything. He's totally alive. I just saw him a few minutes ago, I promise."

The administration made the announcement in an effort to calm the controversy that swept through the nation's capital and throughout the country after Biden posted a letter on social media notifying everyone that he was stepping down from the race. Staffers hoped allowing the President to communicate with the media through the paranormal board game would ease any lingering uncertainty about his current whereabouts and condition.

Smiley

Jill Biden finally agrees to drop out of presidential race

jill biden president drop race satire
© The Babylon BeeJill signalled her capitulation by publishing a letter signed by Joe, telling him it's an order for ice cream to be delivered to the White House
Jill Biden has formally dropped out of the 2024 presidential race, she announced today at a press conference that was supposed to be for her husband.

"I cannot in good conscience continue," the acting president said as her husband wandered around somewhere backstage.

Journalists expressed shock and disappointment to learn that not only has Joe Biden been a decrepit old man for the last three years — he hasn't even been president.

"Well, this is news to me!" said CNN's Jake Tapper. "I could've sworn she was the first lady, and that Biden was a normal person just two weeks ago."

Jill Biden said she would not seek a second term because she was tired of everyone thinking her husband was the real president. "He's a skeleton in a skin suit that has been reanimated by dark magicks to nod and smile at people. Frankly, I'm insulted no one has caught on that I'm the actual president," she complained. "I'm tired of him getting all the glory!"

Neither Jill nor her husband took any questions.

At publishing time, Jill Biden had begun working on plans for her husband's presidential library — which she would make sure was all about her.

Comment: Bonus Bee!




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'Literally Anybody Else' wants your vote!

Dustin Ebey name change running president
© THV11/YouTubeDustin Ebey legally changed his name to Literally Anybody Else to make a presidential run
A Texas man legally changed his name to Literally Anybody Else to apply for a particularly difficult-to-get job: President of the United States.

The 35-year-old military veteran and middle school math teacher, formerly known as Dustin Ebey, said he is running for president to protest the current major-party candidates -- President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump -- and show his distaste for a system that his website states "often prioritizes partisan battles over real solutions."

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Revealed: Biden's nickname for each member of his administration

Nicknames
© The Babylon Bee
American presidents have been giving nicknames to members of their cabinet ever since George Washington first started calling John Adams "Johnny Boy." It's an endearing yet enduring presidential tradition.

We at the Babylon Bee have obtained Joe Biden's personal list of nicknames for his close advisors. Take a look and see how Biden really thinks about his inner circle.

Smiley

Trump hit with indictment for inciting assassination attempt

Trump courtroom sketch
Former President has been indicted by a federal judge in Pennsylvania for inciting an assassination attempt that nearly killed him.

"Trump is clearly at fault for someone attempting to murder him with a rifle," said Judge Paul Stephenson. "He brought this on himself, and we will ensure justice is done."

According to sources, the motion to indict Trump was filed roughly thirty seconds after the failed assassination attempt. "It was obvious by that point that Trump had caused a man to fire several bullets at him," said District Attorney Jan Marsh. "If Trump were not literally Hitler, no one would have tried to kill him in the first place. It's time we in the legal system go after Hitler and not the people trying to murder Hitler."

At publishing time, Trump had been indicted again for Secret Service shooting the would-be assassin.

Music

Song for our times: "Quiet Man" by Rusty Weld

Here's a song that describes how many have felt during the last few years. Will some "snap"? Probably...

Enjoy a song for our times - and share if you like!

Smiley

Biden turns blue after aides forget to include 'remember to breathe' card in cue packet

biden turn blue breath  reminder card
© The Babylon Bee
Panic erupted today at a press conference when President Biden turned an alarming shade of blue after handlers accidentally left out the "remember to breathe" card from his instruction packet.

After quickly expelling all the air from his lungs in a rambling and incomprehensible sentence, The President was left with no air in his lungs as he stood frozen, flipping back and forth between his "blink" and "don't poop your pants" notecards, where the "remember to breathe" card should have been.

"It's really a pretty normal thing," said an anonymous White House staffer. "I'm pretty sure every president has cards telling him to breathe and what to do minute-by-minute for every event. There's really nothing to see here."

Luckily, aides snapped to action to shut down the press conference and whisk Biden away so Dr. Jill could tell him to breathe before he passed out. Upon investigation, the missing notecard was located on the coffee table in the Oval Office next to some lines of white powder. The White House said they are currently looking for a black staffer to fire for the mixup.

At publishing time, Joe Biden was reported to be in stable condition and had returned to his more recent shade of orange. Karine Jean-Pierre said the White House was overall very pleased with the press conference and noted that, at 19 seconds, it was one of the longest Biden had given in months.

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Dems insulted: Veep chosen for her race and gender is NOT a 'DEI hire'

kamala harris satire
© The Babylon Bee"I am NOT a diversity hire!"
Democrats have responded in outrage as the Vice President chosen solely because of her race and gender has been labeled a "diversity hire."

"How dare they!" decried Democratic Senator Chris Murphy. "To say that a woman we publicly chose because of her race was chosen because of her race is an absolute disgrace."

After announcing in 2020 that Biden would choose a running mate based on race and gender, Democrats have been infuriated by pundits pointing out that Kamala Harris could become President because of her race and gender. "It is demeaning and bigoted," said Representative Tammy Baldwin. "Only a terrible racist would openly declare that you have to have the right skin color to get the job. And how misogynistic to straight up announce that a Vice President would be chosen because she's a woman! It's disgusting is what it is."

According to sources, the media have been befuddled by Democrats's anger over their repeating Democrat talking points. "They usually love it when we repeat their talking points," said MSNBC anchor Joe Scarborough. "It's literally what the Democratic Party said when they chose Kamala. I'm... sorry?"

At publishing time, the Democratic Party had again responded in outrage as polls showed that the woman who cackled at tragedies was "less likable than that Vice President who shot someone in the face."