Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Nuke

IDF find Saddam Hussein's WMDs In Hamas tunnel under hospital

Saddam's WMD
© Waterford Whispers News
A DAY AFTER occupying the Al-Shifa hospital, the IDF have finally gotten around to producing video evidence of the vast and extensive network of Hamas tunnels beneath the hospital which formed the basis of their justification for besieging Gaza's largest hospital.

IDF footage shows what appears to be a small crater in the ground to the untrained eye but is in fact far more sinister, as explained to WWN by an IDF spokesperson:

"As luck would have it we found Saddam Hussein's WMDs and they've been verified by Colin Powell's ghost, such a discovery would obviously strengthen the US administration's support for our actions in Gaza, not that we needed it," confirmed one spokesperson, who thinks Joe Biden deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for his continuous refusal to support calls for a ceasefire.

"I know we promised a network of sophisticated tunnels over several floors, capable of supporting hundreds of fighters in a luxury Airbnb for terrorists but this little hole in the ground should be proof enough," added the spokesperson, who confirmed Hamas had conveniently written 'Saddam Hussein's missing WMDs' on the side of the missiles.

USA

Communist Dictator Welcomes President Xi

Nuisance and Xi
© The Babylon Bee
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — On the freshly scented avenues of San Francisco, a summit was held today between one of the most feared communist dictators in the world and President Xi.

"Glorious, Most Excellent Chairman, meet President Xi," said aides as Gavin Newsom shook hands with President Xi. "Please allow us to escort you through the streets of our communist utopia, freshly cleaned of poo and poors."

The iron-fisted tyrant showed Mr. Xi around San Francisco, pointing out all the private property he had seized or destroyed. "The truly satisfying part is when you openly show how the rules crushing their lives do not apply to you," explained Newsom. "Yes, Mr. Xi - you are far too soft psychologically on your subjects, trying to sell them on the idea that you are all serving a common cause in union. You must force them to serve your cause, while openly flaunting that you don't even believe in the cause and will do whatever you wish. That, my friend, is how you truly break their spirit."

2 + 2 = 4

Israel/Palestine Narrative Frameworks

sheep
Oldschool Left: Israel is America's colonial spearhead! We need to support our comrades in the Klassenkampf against capitalist imperialism! Ho-Ho-Ho-Chi-Minh!

New Left: Palestinians are an oppressed people, but Jews are even more oppressed! Antisemitism is worse than Islamophobia! We stand with Israel!

Woke Left: Someone posted a Palestinian LGBT pride flag and there are climate change activists marching alongside Palestinians somewhere! They are our friends! We support them!

Smiley

Zelensky cancels democratic elections to focus on fighting for Democracy

zelensky ukraine elections satire
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky is calling for the immediate suspension of Presidential elections in his country, so that he may focus all his efforts on fighting to protect democracy in Ukraine.

"We must suspend democracy to save democracy," said Zelensky during his weekly fundraising telethon. "If we allow democracy to get in the way of fighting for democracy, we might lose our democracy. And our billions of sweet, sweet American dollars. And my superyacht in Dubai... anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, it's time to cancel elections so I may remain president indefinitely."

Sources say Zelensky can be trusted to resume the democratic process in Ukraine as soon as the war has ended in three to fifty years. "Zelensky is a paragon of virtue and spotless moral leadership, without the slightest stain of corruption," said a spokesperson from the State Department. "We totally trust him."

"We are facing the greatest evil the world has ever faced," continued Zelensky. "Putin is the devil incarnate. He cheats on elections so he can remain president forever! It's horrible!"

At publishing time, the Biden Administration had expressed support for the move, with some administration officials looking into the possibility of doing that in America as well.

Arrow Down

So kind! Netanyahu promises Palestinians free security after war

Chief Psychopath
© Waterford Whispers News
"WE don't deserve this, seriously, we don't!" was just one of the comments from Palestinians praising the news that invading superpower Israel has vowed to look after Gaza's security when they've finished their military blitz.

The kind gesture from the occupiers comes after yet more positive news from Israel who have agreed to 'tactical pauses' to allow return of Israelis kidnapped by Hamas and deliver aid to the besieged territory of 2.4 million people. Update: latest figures indicate that with the death toll reaching 10,000 in just four week, the population stands at 2.390 million people. when you count the 10,000 murdered in the past four weeks.

Smiley

Roombas at the End of the World

sout pole humor roomba kidnapped
© SPTSouth Pole Roomba Ernie was kidnapped in 2020.
Robotic romance, ransoms, and raccoon suits at the South Pole

Amundsen-Scott South Pole Station is a permanent scientific research base located at what is arguably the most isolated place on Earth. During the austral summer, the station is home to about 150 scientists and support staff, but during the austral winter, that number shrinks to just 40 or so, and those people are completely isolated from the rest of the world from mid-February until late October. For eight months, the station has to survive on its own, without deliveries of food, fuel, spare parts, or anything else. Only in the most serious of medical emergencies will a plane attempt to reach the station in the winter.

While the station's humans rotate seasonally, there are in fact four full-time residents: the South Pole Roombas. First, there was Bert, a Roomba 652, who arrived at the station in 2018 and was for a time the loneliest robot in the world. Since the station has two floors, Bert was joined by Ernie, a Roomba 690, in 2019. A second pair of Roombas, Sam and Frodo, followed soon after.

Attention

The Depopulation Bomb: A Halloween Sci-Fi Tale

Halloween Decorations
© Brownstone Institute
The following fictional story may or may not bear resemblance to events in real life.

Imagine, if you will, that you are a first-generation high tech gazillionaire. In fact, at one time you were said to be the richest man on earth, although that is no longer the case. Nevertheless, you remain unimaginably wealthy, with all the responsibilities and burdens that such wealth brings. (Given the extremely unusual circumstances of this tale, to make it more relatable, we will assign you a fictional name.) Your birth certificate reads Gilbert Harvey Bates III, but the world knows you as Gil Bates.

Gil Bates's erstwhile net-worth preeminence (stolen as it was by an upstart online retailer named Biff Jezos) is not the only important loss he has suffered. Also in the rearview mirror is his youth, his marriage, and his position as CEO of the behemoth tech company he created, MacroHardTM.

After Gil Bates stepped down as CEO of MacroHardTM, he focused on his philanthropic work. The centerpiece of this work is the immensely well-funded (and therefore immensely influential) Bates Foundation. The Foundation's scope may be mind-bogglingly broad, but one problem especially consumed Bates: there are far too many people on the planet.

In his youth, Gil Bates read a controversial book called The Overpopulation Bomb, written by a visionary scientist named Saul Derelicht. That alarming book, a huge bestseller in its day, described a neo-Malthusian hell on earth resulting from human overpopulation, and proposed mass sterilization and other aggressive population reduction techniques as the solution.

Gil Bates became convinced, and remains convinced - especially as the worldwide human population has soared beyond 8 billion units - that Homo sapiens have obscenely overpopulated the planet. Once Bates had sold software packages to the great majority of them, he vowed that this existential threat to the planet must be addressed.

But what was to be done? How could this great affront to Gaia be reconciled? When it comes to a responsibility so great, a task so immense, no single man - not even Gil Bates - could hope to accomplish it alone.

Pumpkin

Zombie wandering Capitol Hill in search of brains starves to death

zombie wahington capitol building
© The Babylon Bee
According to first responders, a member of the undead community has starved to death after lumbering around Capitol Hill in search of brains for several weeks and finding none.

"BRAAAAAAIINS!" said a reanimated corpse as he walked by Chuck Schumer, Lauren Boebert, AOC, and Ilhan Omar with disinterest. "NEEEED BRAAAAAAAAINS!"

Sources say that the reanimated corpse then shuffled to a stop and collapsed on the sidewalk of the National Mall in exhaustion. D.C.'s coroner later confirmed the undead creature died again of malnutrition, as there wasn't a single human skull containing a brain for miles around.

"We never paid much attention to him and he never bothered us for some reason," said Cori Bush while scratching her head, which made a slight echoing noise. "We just assumed he was a homeless guy or a staffer. Too bad."

At publishing time, a local vampire had also checked into the D.C. hospital for malnutrition as he was unable to find any non-lizard blood.

Comment: Bonus Halloween Bee!




Smiley

Chaos at Congressional Halloween party: House Republicans all show up wearing identical clown costumes

congress clowns clownworld satire halloween
© The Babylon Bee
A large number of lawmakers on Capitol Hill felt embarrassed today, as Republicans from the House of Representatives all showed up to the Congressional Halloween Party dressed in the same clown costume.

"Oh, man, this is really embarrassing," said former Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy while adjusting his big red nose. "Believe it or not, we didn't even plan this, it was just totally by happenstance that we all came to the Capitol looking like clowns. Now everyone in the country will think we're idiots."

Despite still not being able to fill the position of Speaker since McCarthy's ousting weeks ago, House GOP members had hoped to unwind and enjoy the costume party. "It's been such a train wreck with the Speaker stuff," said Patrick McHenry, who was only identifiable by being the shortest clown in the room. "With the Republican caucus feeling like such a circus, I felt compelled to dress up like a clown. Looks like all of my colleagues had the same idea."

While other lawmakers showed creativity and individuality with their costumes (Rashida Tlaib showed up as a rabid antisemite), some Republicans were proud to finally show some form of solidarity with each other. "It's been a long time since we were all in agreement," said Jim Jordan. "This is the most cohesive and united we've looked in a long time."

At publishing time, the Halloween party was reported to be a bust, as the GOP majority was unable to agree on a music playlist for the event.

Comment: Bonus Bee!




Pumpkin 2

Yellen says two wars 'no problem' for US: She gets 20% 'friends & family' discount with Raytheon

janet yellen
U.S. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen
U.S. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen calmed growing concerns throughout the nation's capital this week by explaining the United States can easily afford to pay for two separate foreign wars because of the 20% "Friends & Family" discount she receives from Raytheon.

"I've got you covered!" Yellen said with a smile after multiple U.S. officials expressed doubt the country could stay afloat financially while simultaneously funding wars in Israel and Ukraine. "With the killer discount I get from Raytheon, we'll be bombing people into oblivion on two continents, all without breaking the bank!"

Yellen then produced her limited edition Raytheon Gold Card and offered to put the wars on her personal tab. "Janet really bailed us out on this one," said Air Force Gen. Charles Q. Brown, Jr., Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "She even has a 'Preferred Customer' Raytheon punch card, so we're only a couple more wars away from getting a free war! Taiwan, here we come!"

The Treasury Secretary was all too happy to help out. "Running a country can be expensive," she said, "especially when it doesn't even bother to pay its own debts. Thankfully, with this 'Friends & Family' discount, we'll be mortgaging the future of our country at a much more favorable rate! Thanks, Raytheon!"

At publishing time, Yellen had scheduled a meeting with Pentagon officials to tell them about Raytheon's new promotion that would allow the U.S. to save big on wars by bundling them together.