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Sun, 28 May 2023
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Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


IRS agents slide down chimneys looking for gifts of $600 or more

irs agents 600 gifts datire
© The Babylon Bee
IRS agents kicked off a new holiday tradition this week as they began nationwide canvassing of taxpayers' homes, sliding down their chimneys in search of undeclared gifts worth $600 or more.

Terrence Poole, Special Agent in Charge of Joy-Quashing, explained the agency's actions, saying, "We understand that people get caught up in the spirit of the season and all that. But we want to be a constant reminder that celebrating the birth of the Savior of the universe is not more important than giving an account to the government for every single thing you have."

The Jackson family of Muncie were initially surprised to find the black-suited agents pouring out of their chimney and ripping open their presents, but became cooperative after father Ben Jackson was given an explanation and a brief sleeper hold. "Yeah, I guess it's our patriotic duty or something," said Mr. Jackson after regaining consciousness.

Agents will be searching homes during the entire holiday season. Agent Poole continued, "We'll usually be entering through the chimney. For homes that don't have a chimney, we'll either be sending a magic elf through the keyhole or else using an armored personnel carrier equipped with a battering ram to breach a convenient wall. Yeah, one of those. Probably the second one."

Asked if the agents had faced any difficulties with their searches so far, Agent Poole said, "It was a little embarrassing one time when we ended up in Sam Bankman-Fried's house. We just apologized and backed out slowly. I'm sure he's got nothing important to declare."


Restraining order issued against reporter who asked Karine Jean-Pierre a question

Karine Jean-Pierre Peter Doocy

Peter Doocy and Karine Jean-Pierre
Fox News Correspondent Peter Doocy has been issued a restraining order after he asked a question of Karine Jean-Pierre in today's press conference.

"Peter, really? Is that a question? Really, Peter? That's really uncalled for Peter," scolded the first gay black Press Secretary. "You should frankly know better than that. You are being rude to the rest of the people in this room who are here to do their jobs of handing me pre-screened softballs which I then hit out of the park with the killer lines in this binder someone gave me."

Doocy was then dragged out of the room by security as the other journalists chanted "SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!"

According to sources, the restraining order forbids the reporter from coming within 1000 feet of the White House and will be in place for a period of 1 million days.

"Once he shows us he can follow the rules and wait for 1 million days, we will let him back," said Jean-Pierre. She then gave an exasperated "sigh" and shook her head.

At publishing time, Doocy had been arrested after attempting to crawl into the HVAC system of the building.

Comment: Apparently asking about the #TwitterFiles was the last straw. Mediaite has the details:
White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre cut Fox News White House Correspondent Peter Doocy off while he was still trying to get out his question about the Matt Taibbi "Twitter Files" information dump on the handling of the Hunter Biden laptop story.


At Thursday's White House briefing, Doocy referred to an exchange from the previous day in which Jean-Pierre blew off a question from Fox News White House Correspondent Jacqui Heinrich on that very subject by citing The Hatch Act.

"I can't speak to decisions made by — by the campaign from here. That is not — it is a political campaign, so I can't speak from that from here — to that from here. I'm covered by the Hatch Act," Jean-Pierre told Heinrich yesterday.
PETER DOOCY: Just one other topic. You've said a few times that you really can't talk about communications between the Biden campaign and Twitter. Who is telling you that that's off-limits?

KARINE JEAN-PIERRE: I've already had that conversation with you, with your colleague, I believe, yesterday. I've already addressed this multiple times this week, so I don't have anything more to add. Again, I've, I've we've litigated this all. Don't have anything to add.

PETER DOOCY: So not a campaign question, an administration...

KARINE JEAN-PIERRE: I'm going to the back! I'm going to the back! I'm going to the back! Go ahead.


NYT writers go on strike: Disinformation drops 92%

New York times front page
© The Babylon Bee
Researchers are reporting that disinformation on Twitter, Facebook, and mainstream news sources is already down by 92% in the wake of a 24-hour writer's strike at the New York Times.

"We always wondered where all this harmful disinformation was coming from," said Darryl Ball, a researcher with the Center for Combatting Bad Things Online. "Turns out, it was all coming from those knuckleheads at the Times. Who knew?"

Several studies indicate the country has seen a sharp decrease in hate speech, foreign propaganda, and shockingly dumb hot takes since the entire writing staff walked out of the building in New York City, which experts believe could lead to an outbreak of peace and harmony across the nation.

"All this time, the threat to democracy was us all along!" said NYT Union Boss Fuggs Crullers to reporters from other news organizations not on strike. "We have begun negotiations with leadership to pay us more money to never come back to work in hopes of saving America."

At publishing time, all other news outlets around the country reported feeling "lost" as they were so used to just copying and pasting from the New York Times each morning.


138,000 kids suddenly added to Santa's 'nice list' in middle of night

nice kids vote dump santa satire
© The Babylon Bee
Whispers of vote rigging were heard among rank-and-file elves excluded from the tabulating room
Santa Claus's nice list is said to be run on trustworthy software, safe and secure on an unhackable server under his workshop.

But some are questioning the legitimacy of the nice list after the tally suddenly spiked in the middle of the night, adding over 138,000 kids to the good side of the list.

After sorting kids according to their niceness or naughtiness for hours, Santa had abruptly stopped counting and gone to bed, saying he was tired and taking a break for the night, even though he is magical and does not need to sleep.

A team of unsupervised elves reportedly continued the counting against North Pole guidelines, and around 3 a.m. there was a sudden dump of over 138,000 kids put on the nice list. The software also switched kids over from the naughty to the nice list at random.

Big Tech companies quickly fact-checked the claim, assuring parents and children that the sudden jump of hundreds of thousands of kids added to the nice list is a normal part of kid sorting and that Santa's methods are trustworthy and reliable.

Bad Guys

Elon Musk: worse than Hitler

emperor musk
© Taylor Hill/Getty Images
It is no exaggeration to say that Elon Musk's annexation of Twitter is the most terrifying development in recent history. Only a fascist would seek to impose free speech on humanity.

This is why there has been such a chorus of execration from left-wing commentators, celebrities and influencers. On the day that Musk seized control of Twitter, Washington Post columnist Taylor Lorenz noted that it was "like the gates of hell opened on this site tonight". Charlie Warzel in The Atlantic wrote that there was "an apocalyptic feel to the ordeal".

But it was the Independent that really grasped the full gravity of this moment. Its headline read — "RIP Twitter, 2006-2022: Dead at the Hands of Elon Musk". It is a testament to the cool-headed stoicism of left-wing journalists that they have managed not to overreact.


New Elf On The Shelf will be scanning your social media account to see if you misgendered anyone

elf on shelf cell phone christmas
© The Babylon Bee
A spokesman for Santa's Workshop today announced the organization's latest advance in their ongoing efforts to determine who's naughty and who's nice: an Elf on the Shelf with the ability to hack into and review social media accounts for examples of misgendering and other hate speech.

Gilford McTwinklebottom, Director of Research and Development for Naughtiness Surveillance, told gathered reporters, "Our new Elf represents the cutting edge of naughty detection technology. Our scientists were able to combine normal elf DNA with a strain of highly volatile DNA that we were able to obtain from Taylor Lorenz. We then combined that with the same technology that shows you a bunch of Metamucil ads on your Instagram feed whenever you say you have to go to the bathroom. The result is the perfect Elf on the Shelf, and something that is not at all creepy to have in your house watching you all the time."

Developers say the new E.O.T.S. will spend days observing normal naughty behavior, like tantrums or hiding in the pantry while you eat brownies and drink wine. But at night, the elf will use its advanced capabilities to review all household social media accounts to make sure that everyone acknowledges that "Trans! People! Are! People!" and that there are no suspicious likes or shares of Elon Musk, Tulsi Gabbard, or that pillow guy.

"Just be good, for goodness sake!" continued Mr. McTwinklebottom. "As long as everyone behaves, you'll never find yourself on the FBI's naughty list. Did I say FBI? I meant Santa! Santa's naughty list! Whoops! Ha ha!"

Mr. Twinklebottom then announced he was leaving Santa's Workshop to manage the App Store for Apple.


In huge Black Friday sale, store to sell everything for price it was before Biden became President

Store shopping
RALEIGH, NC — A local retailer is making waves after announcing its most dramatic Black Friday sale ever, in which every item in the store is marked down to whatever the price was before Biden became President.


Nancy Pelosi caught stealing Speaker Of The House podium as souvenir

pelosi steals speaker podium satire
© The Babylon Bee
After being fired from her role as Speaker of the House, Representative Nancy Pelosi was photographed nonchalantly stealing the official Speaker podium to take home as a souvenir.

"Later, suckers!" said Ms. Pelosi as she strolled by House Republicans, still toting the podium. "Man, it feels good to be a gangster."

Capitol Police have not yet discovered the whereabouts of the missing podium, but are following up on several leads. "We actually just got a call about a woman in a pantsuit passed out drunk by the Reflecting Pool, so the podium is probably nearby," said Officer Jon Farthing. "Still, just to be safe, we will probably send an agent to go pistol whip Chip Gaines."

Ms. Pelosi was elected Speaker of the House in 2007, though it was not until a brief period of sobriety in May 2008 that Pelosi first realized that she had become Speaker. She primarily dedicated her tenure to murdering as many babies as possible, then occasionally pretending to be Catholic just to troll people. Having lost power in 2011, Ms. Pelosi regained her title as Speaker in 2019, after which she delivered unmatched insider trading results - netting the millions of dollars necessary to keep her eyebrows elevated.

At publishing time, the Capitol police had reported the podium was discovered in the possession of some guy named Ray Epps.

Comment: Bonus Bee! Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job:


Realistic holiday toy ad: Nerf airs two hours of dad picking up darts

dad nerf darts holiday ad satire
© The Babylon Bee
With the holidays just around the corner, Nerf has introduced its new line of high-capacity, rapid-fire guns with a highly realistic ad that is just two hours of Dad picking up darts.

The ad begins with a dad waking up, donning his robe, then picking up darts while walking to the bathroom. It then follows him for hours through the yard as he picks up darts and grumbles under his breath.

"Our creative team dove into researching what the true Nerf experience really looks like," said VP of Product Marketing Franko Doofshmill while picking up darts carpeting his office. "I think we nailed it."

The ad purports to strike at the heart of what Nerf is all about by showing a dad fishing a nerf dart out of his coffee, finding handfuls of darts while looking for the remote, and secretly trashing enough darts to lighten the chore but not so many that the kids would notice.

At publishing time, Nerf had released another hyper-realistic ad showing a mom taking a Nerf gun away from her son for aiming at his sister's face again.


Former Twitter employee wonders where the meditation room is at new Taco Bell

taco bell employee satire
© The Babylon Bee
According to sources, a local developer who was recently let go from Twitter is having a difficult time finding the meditation room at his new job at the SFO Airport Taco Bell.

"Huh. It's gotta be around here somewhere," said the confused 2nd shift Burrito Assembly Specialist as he looked around the facility. "I hope I find it soon because that last order was very, very stressful."

Sources say the man previously held a prestigious position at Twitter as an Assistant Algorithmic Diversity Intervention and Sensitivity Coordinator making $238,000 per year. He also enjoyed free food, unlimited naps, and the use of 42 conveniently placed "quiet rooms" for transcendental meditation between meetings.

"Hey guuuuuuuys, where do I go to meditate around here?" he said to his confused coworkers before slipping in a puddle of nacho cheese and collapsing on the floor in a fit of sobs. His shift manager then kindly informed him that he could meditate in the cooler for a few minutes as long as he brought back 3 bags of shredded lettuce.

At publishing time, the man had been fired after insulting his shift manager on Twitter.

Comment: Bonus Bee!