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CNN host sues Trump for assault and defamation after town hall

CNN and Trump
© Babylon Bee
GOFFSTOWN, NH — A visibly shaken Kaitlan Collins announced she will be suing Trump for assault and defamation after being destroyed by the former President on national television last night.

"He said things I didn't agree with. Even worse, he said things I didn't like," said Collins in a statement. "It was the most traumatizing experience of my life. It was assault, plain and simple. And defamation. I'm suing Trump for $5 million like that other lady."

Sources also reported Trump called the CNN host a "nasty person," which trusted fact-checkers have determined was false.


Mother Nature joking around: Giant phallus-shaped iceberg floating in Conception Bay surprises residents of Dildo, Canada

iceberg penis shape canada
© Kenneth J PrettyA penis-shaped iceberg floated by the town of Dildo, Canada, which isn't too far from the city of Spread Eagle and the town of Placentia.
It doesn't get any more apt than this: A photographer from the Newfoundland town of Dildo has captured images of a penis-shaped iceberg off the Canadian coast.

The suggestive 'berg consists of a column with a domed head protruding up from two oval rafts of ice. Photographer Ken Pretty captured a shot of the ice formation by drone near the town of Harbour Grace, which sits along — the puns keep adding up — Conception Bay.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the "dickie berg," as locals are calling it, has attracted international attention, with Pretty sharing news stories from as far away as Thailand and Taiwan on his Facebook page.

"I knew I'd get a lot of comments, but I didn't expect this much," Pretty told the news agency Saltwire (opens in new tab) on Friday (April 28).


White House announces illegal immigration has decreased 90 percent since they redefined it

Karine Jean-Pierre satire
© The Babylon BeePress Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre restrained herself from a fist-pump to celebrate the win
The White House is claiming that illegal immigration is now down over 90% thanks to them redefining what illegal immigration is.

"The President's policy of making up fake words, definitions, and stats has had a real, positive impact at the border," said black gay Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "Since reality itself bends to the will of whoever has the power to define it, we have been able to decrease illegal immigration drastically. We just decided that. With our words. Hooray for us!"

Experts were unsure how the numbers show a decrease in illegal immigration since unlawful border crossings are at record levels, amounting to an unprecedented humanitarian disaster. The experts quickly changed their minds, however, when they realized that the definition of "illegal immigration" had been changed by the Biden Administration. "This is genius!" said one expert.

At publishing time, the administration had also announced a record 100% approval rating after redefining the meaning of the word "approve.


How Ireland is celebrating the king's coronation

King Psychopath
© Waterford Whispers News
LIKE all other 8 billion inhabitants of planet earth, Ireland is 'Coronation Crazy' and is fit to burst with excitement at the prospect of King Charles donning a crown in front of adoring and loyal public.

And here's all the ways Ireland is celebrating the historic occasion:

- Special masses will be laid on around Ireland, allowing people a place to pray for torrential rain to hit London.

- Getting the calculator out and working out how much good £100mn could do for poor people across Britain if it wasn't been spent on a party for Charles.

- Generally staring in the direction of England incredulously while wondering if they should contact NHS mental health professionals on England's behalf.

- Any horse born in Ireland on Coronation Day must bare the name Camilla


Parents who raised kids on Disney movies about rebelling against parents not sure why kids are rebelling against their parents

parent child little mermaid
Local parents Dave and Stacey Martin, who raised their daughter on Disney movies that glamorized rebelling against parents, are flabbergasted to see their teenage daughter now rebelling against her parents.

"I just don't get it," said Dave Martin to reporters. "Every movie and song she listened to growing up featured positive messages about listening to her heart, and now she won't listen to me! It's so weird!"

Sources say Dave's conflict with his daughter came to a head last night when she defied her father like Moana to sneak out of the house like Ariel, which led to her meeting a strange man just like Pocahontas, only to hang out with the wrong crowd and get gender-confused like Mulan. "What on earth could possibly be influencing her to behave so recklessly?" said Mr. Martin.

At publishing time, the parents had addressed the situation by making their daughter stay home all weekend and do chores like Cinderella.


With Vice News closing, White House will have to lie to public directly

vice news white house spokeswoman Karine Jean-Pierre
© The Babylon BeeWhite House spokeswoman Karine Jean-Pierre-has the sads because her propaganda workload has increased as Vice News folds
Amid news that Vice Media is filing for bankruptcy, there is growing concern at the White House that the Biden administration will now have to begin lying to the American people directly rather than doing so more discreetly through Vice Media.

"We have no choice but to spread false information ourselves," said black gay White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is black and gay. "With difficult times hitting some of our media allies like Vice and Buzzfeed News, we will be solely responsible for propagating the fake narratives we create here in the White House. It's a tough blow, but we've got to weave our narrative one way or another."

Along with large mainstream news organizations, alternative sources like Vice News had served as valuable misinformation tools for the Biden administration and other Washington power brokers. In Vice's absence, lawmakers must now shift gears and do their own heavy lifting. "It's a big change to our process," Jean-Pierre continued. "I'm certainly not qualified to speak to the public, and we've all seen what happens when the President is put in front of a podium. This is less than ideal."

When reached for a brief comment, President Biden seemed unconcerned. "Vice? Who is that?" Biden said. "Those fellas in Miami? Crockett and Tubbs? They have a nice speedboat. Breedarginharbit!"

At publishing time, the White House public relations department was sent scrambling once again after failing to secure additional writing help due to the onset of the Hollywood writer's strike.


Unemployed guy's basement selfie video crushes Fox News in primetime ratings

Tucker Carlson unemployed
The historic leader in primetime cable ratings Fox News was dominated last night by an unemployed man filming a selfie video in his partially-finished basement.

"This guy chatting for a few minutes in his underwear and a blazer just completely blew Fox News out of the water," said Nielsen executive Roger Millican. "It was a ratings bloodbath."

The unemployed man reportedly posted the basement selfie video on Twitter around 7 p.m., and by 7:02 p.m. had gained more viewers than the entire Fox News primetime lineup. "We got demolished," said a Fox News producer, on condition of anonymity. "Our viewers abandoned us in droves to watch a video labeled 'Good evening', which was just this dude jawing in his basement. We're in trouble."

Panic quickly spread among the top brass at Fox News, as executive producers brainstormed how to win back viewers. "More gold coin ads? No, we already tried that. Think, Bob, think!" said Fox News VP Bob Randall. "Is it physically possible to add any more 'Breaking News' graphics? No? How about making the necklines lower on all the female anchors' dresses? This is hard!!"

At publishing time, the unemployed man had reportedly crushed Fox News primetime ratings once again, this time with a video of himself silently making a ham sandwich.


Fox News fires the only reason people watch Fox News

tuckr carlson laugh
© ReutersTucker Cartolon
After months of controversy, Fox News has decided to part ways with the only reason anyone watches Fox News.

"Yes, we realize he delivered the most successful cable news program of all time, but we felt embarrassed by him at our Manhattan cocktail parties," said Fox News CEO Suzanne Scott. "When we tried to get invited to fancy, sophisticated gatherings, people said: 'Ewwww, aren't you the Tucker Carlson people?' and that made us feel sad. Curse you, Tucker, for making us feel sad!"

When reached for a reaction, Tucker simply stared dumbfoundedly at our reporter for several minutes.

Industry experts believe there are other factors that contributed to the alleged firing, including the fact that the company is too broke to pay him after settling a lawsuit with Dominion Voting Systems.

Progressives are reportedly overjoyed by the move, although many are saying Fox didn't go far enough by not killing Carlson in addition to firing him. "You mean he's still alive?" said Congresswoman AOC. "Tucker being alive is fascism!"

At publishing time, producers were seen looking through files for another hot blonde to replace him with.


Biden warning: Raise debt ceiling or we might default on our obligations to Ukraine

biden satire debt ceiling
"We can't let my good buddy Zelensky down!"
As a showdown looms over increasing the debt ceiling once again, President Biden warned that partisan bickering over the issue could lead the U.S. to default on its obligations to Ukraine.

"Listen, folks, it's real simple," said Biden to reporters. "We have a sacred duty to send billions to Ukraine to keep the war going. And don't forget our obligations to PBS, the 87,000 IRS agents we're hiring, and free transgender surgeries for at-risk indigenous youth. That takes money. Gotta raise the ceiling-not a joke!"

House Speaker Kevin McCarthy however, disagrees. "We will raise the debt ceiling in exchange for some symbolic spending cuts that make us look fiscally responsible," he said. "Until we get those mild cuts, which will delay the financial and economic collapse of the United States by a full 3-and-a-half seconds, we will not agree to raise the debt ceiling.

"We draw the line here."

At publishing time, the Republicans had caved and decided to raise the debt limit with no spending cuts.


Bud Light smooths things over with new ad featuring drag queen waving American flag

budweiser bud light drag queen flag satire
© The Babylon Bee
After suffering significant public relations and financial backlash after making trans activist and TikTok personality Dylan Mulvaney a spokesperson, parent company Anheuser-Busch is confident their new Bud Light commercial featuring a drag queen waving American flags will fix everything.

"We've definitely learned our lesson!" said Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth in a statement released along with the new ad. "We heard the public outcry and we've obviously seen the impact of our mistake on our bottom line and our stock price. That's why we've created this new ad returning to our strong, patriotic roots. Who isn't inspired by a drag queen waving the good ol' red, white, and blue?"

The beverage giant's marketing department was sent back to the drawing board to perform damage control on the Mulvaney situation, settling on an emotionally stirring commercial depicting a flamboyantly dressed, flag-waving drag queen riding a star-spangled chariot pulled by the iconic Budweiser Clydesdales. "This really captures what we envision as today's America," said marketing team member Greg Burke. "Unabashed patriotism and fabulous trans imagery combined into one ad! There's no way anyone will be offended by this one!"

Executives expressed confidence that this new commercial will reverse all the damage caused by the Mulvaney gaffe since blue-collar consumers in middle America all still love grown men dressed as women.

At publishing time, the marketing team was already planning future ads featuring appearances by RuPaul and Caitlyn Jenner, as well as a salute to Admiral Rachel Levine.

Comment: Bonus Bee!

14-year-old Amy knows what she wants in life: a permanent neck tattoo.