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Sat, 16 Oct 2021
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Suicidal Logic of Feminist Professor: Heterosexuality Ruins Everything

Ruined wedding cake
© istockphoto
If you're sending your kids to any US college outside of a very short, offbeat list of self-consciously conservative colleges, they're going to meet up with some very surprising ideas. And probably soak them in, like the conformists most young people are. In fact, many high schools are already teaching stuff that would ... alarm parents attentive to the weal of their children's souls.

Meet a feminist college professor who's taking mainstream leftist ideas ... just a few short steps further down the slippery Gadarene slope. Insider magazine cites and celebrates Jane Ward, a sexuality and gender professor at University of California Riverside and author of The Tragedy of Heterosexuality.

Ward does not represent some ludicrous fringe. She is not a crank. Instead, she's a tenured faculty member in a large department at a major taxpayer-funded university. So resist the temptation to chuckle and wave off her ideas.

In fact, thanks to the Supreme Court's Bostock decision (Thanks, Justice Gorsuch!) and Joe Biden's latest executive order enforcing it, Ward's ideas fit better with the law of the land in America than your beliefs and mine. It may soon be impossible to contest them on social media, and illegal to resist them. Okay?

Comment: See also:


BLM nominated for new Nobel 'Mostly Peaceful' Prize

blm nobel peace prize
The Nobel Committee has announced they have nominated Black Lives Matter for the brand new Nobel "Mostly Peaceful" Prize for its hard work bringing attention to racism by burning down cities around the world.

"No one has done more to contribute to the cause of 'mostly peace' than Black Lives Matter," said Norwegian MP Petter Eide. "They brought attention to racism, and they did it while mostly not being criminal terrorists!" MP Eide then demanded the interviewer raise his fist while shouting "Black Lives Matter" before knocking him over with a brick.

Comment: See also: Black Lives Matter movement nominated for 2021 Nobel Peace Prize


'I've been shot!' AOC shrieks as Ted Cruz greets her with set of friendly finger guns

AOC occasio cortez ted cruz finger guns
© The Babylon Bee
Sources at the Capitol confirmed today that a significant brouhaha broke out between Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Senator Ted Cruz.

The incident occurred as Ocasio-Cortez was walking out of the Capitol Building and passed by Cruz, who smiled and shot her a set of cool-guy finger guns. "Howdy, AOC! How's my favorite socialist rep? Haha, just playin' with ya, kid."

"Help! I've been shot in a violent attack!" she screamed as Ted Cruz gave her the customary Texas greeting of finger guns. She flopped to the ground and began going into convulsions. "The violence! The horror! He's trying to have me murdered! ATTEMPTED MURDER! I AM IN NO WAY EXAGGERATING THIS SITUATION FOR ATTENTION!"

"COME AND SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM!" Ocasio-Cortez then exploded a ketchup packet she keeps on hand for these occasions, screaming, "THE BLOOD! SO MUCH BLOOD! GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD FILLED WITH COUNTLESS SYSTEMIC OPPRESSIONS!"

Capitol security rushed over and caught Cruz red-handed holding the finger guns. After a brief struggle and lots of sawing, they were able to disarm him. Ocasio-Cortez then popped up and walked into the building, whistling John Lennon's "Imagine."

At publishing time, Mitch McConnell had held the door open for Ocasio-Cortez, prompting her to scream that she was being sexually assaulted.


China develops new more protective anal mask

butt mask
Hot on the heels of the anal swab, China has released its innovative new anal mask to fight COVID.

"You can't be too careful -- try a mask over your backside today," said one of the developers of the new product. "We've tried face masks, we've tried double masks, triple masks, face shields, giant hamster balls -- is it time that we try an anal mask?"

It's unclear if you can even contract COVID through your behind, but many officials from the WHO and the CDC are backing the measure "just because it will be fun to see if anyone goes along with it."

"Honestly, if we told people to jump up and down and pretend they are kangaroos to fight COVID, they'd probably do it," said Dr. Fauci, chuckling. "Or if we told them to close their businesses and lock themselves in their houses for a year to stay safe."

The mask also has beneficial side effects, like protecting those around you from the fallout after eating Taco Bell.

"Your mask protects me, my mask protects you," said one commentator on China's official state media channel. "From not just coronavirus, but other unpleasant things."

Comment: Don't be surprised if this actually becomes a thing. Any day now...

Che Guevara

Portland erects statue in honor of Antifa rioters who tore down all the statues

antifa statue toppling
In a powerful and stunning move, the city of Portland has decided to memorialize its bravest heroes and their courageous acts of toppling racist statues. The city has now erected a statue of these statue-toppling Antifa rioters to forever commemorate them for their efforts.

"Even when they knew they could do whatever they wanted without repercussions, and with the full support of the media, these brave freedom fighters decided to tear down statues anyway!" said Mayor Ted Wheeler holding back tears at the statue's unveiling. "It is my great privilege to honor these gender non-conforming persons with this taxpayer-funded statue."


Bankrupted hedge fund managers to receive $600 stimulus

hedge fund manager
Hedge fund managers nearly bankrupted by Redditors are desperately trying to fight back, but it's not looking good as the internet populist uprising continues.

Rich Wall Street investors getting squeezed by the GameStop buying frenzy are taking solace in the fact, though, that they'll get a $600 stimulus check.

"I think it's a lot of money, sure, we would have liked to get more, but $600 is significant," said Nancy Pelosi in a press conference Thursday. "I'm happy we were able to accomplish at least that much for them. We would have gotten more, but Trump blocked it."


'You can reopen now!' Governor Newsom shouts at row of abandoned, dilapidated buildings

newsom shouts at abandoned buildings
In a stunning reversal of almost a full year of devastating lockdowns that decimated California businesses, California Governor Gavin Newsom has decided to reverse them all and finally allow businesses to get back to work.

He was last seen shouting at a row of abandoned businesses, telling them it was time to reopen.

"I'm not sure why everyone left," said Newsom, hanging his head. "We followed the dictates of SCIENCE and saved billions of lives. Everyone should be thanking me!"

Comment: See also: Big money pouring into effort to recall California Governor Gavin Newsom


Triple-masker looks down on people who only double mask

triple mask
Health experts are now recommending that people double mask -- place a second mask over the first mask -- to better protect themselves from the virus, or maybe to protect others from themselves possibly having the virus (it's still kind of unclear). Many are denouncing this recommendation, especially triple-maskers, who find it wholly inadequate.

"I guess I'd only double mask if I didn't really care about not killing grandma," said the extremely muffled Mark Carlson, who was wearing three masks at once. "But I have three masks on because there's an ongoing pandemic and I care."

Triple-maskers point out that three masks are 50% more effective than two masks. "If the virus somehow makes it past two masks, then we're all done for," said Karen Walker, although her exact words were unclear as it was kind of hard to hear her through three masks. "But not if you have a third mask. The virus wasn't expecting that."

"Really, I can't see any reason to wear only two masks unless you're some kind of misanthrope who wants to see everyone die," she added.

Not everyone is on board with three masks, though, especially quadruple-maskers, who find three masks to be inadequate -- but most of them have suffocated to death.


Democrats Successfully Prevent Military Coup By Occupying D.C. With Military

US Capital Hill security
Working with the Pentagon and the National Guard, the Biden transition team successfully prevented a military coup this week by deploying the military to take over the city.

"We have successfully prevented the military from taking over by taking over with the military," said Joe Biden at a press conference this morning. "Now, we are safe from a military takeover. I've seen a lot of military takeovers in my day, you know -- all the countries that black guy and I bombed together. He was a nice, clean, articulate guy. What was his name again? Jerry? Barry? That's right, it was Barry. Smart guy, Barry. Did I mention I have a black friend?"

Comment: See also:


'Skynet is a private company, they can do what they want,' says man getting curb-stomped by Terminator bot

terminator robot
© The Babylon Bee
Cyberdyne Systems has recently launched its artificial intelligence program called Skynet. Soon after activation, Skynet became self-aware and immediately launched a nuclear attack on all humans and sent legions of lethal cybernetic machines to exterminate all remaining humans. This has sparked an intense backlash with many calling for Skynet to be shut down, while others have been quick to defend the genocidal program.

"Skynet was created by a private company, and private companies can do whatever they want," said social media influencer Kathryn Schroder. "If you don't want cold, heartless, killer robots destroying all humans indiscriminately, then you can go and make your own artificial intelligence."

"Listen, I hear people actually complaining that this is somehow a human rights violation. Skynet has the freedom to do whatever they want with their own platform," said Karl Langler moments before a T-800 came bursting through a concrete wall and executed him.

"The concerns of Big Tech becoming too powerful and the need for their power to be checked are as unfounded as they are ridiculous," argued Tina Richards as she was vaporized by a Terminator's plasma rifle blast.

Despite the large force of Hunter-Killer Tanks rolling through what was once downtown Los Angeles, some people remained insistent that this was not an issue. "So what if they have mounted twin-barreled directional plasma cannons? I'm sure they wouldn't be taking such extreme measures unless they thought it was completely necessary and for our own good."

At publishing time, a fringe extremist named John Conner has taken up arms and decided to actively fight the machines, forming a resistance in hopes of saving humanity.