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Thu, 27 Jan 2022
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Eye 1

Congress upset as they're the only criminals allowed in the Capitol

us congress
Congresspeople from both parties condemned the attack on the Capitol that occurred Wednesday, pointing out that they're the only criminals allowed in the building.

Capitol police removed the unauthorized criminals from the Capitol Building, allowing the officially voted-in criminals to resume operations.

"We would like to remind Americans that we are the only looters allowed in here," said Nancy Pelosi after order was restored to the House. "Remember, you must show your official congressperson identification to prove you're an approved looter to get in here. Unauthorized looters will be removed from Capitol grounds."

"Now, who wants to start some foreign wars?"

After the violent criminals and looters had left the building, Congress resumed voting on acts to inflate our currency, steal more money from Americans, and continue aggression against foreign countries for no reason.


CNN gravely reports on 'first violent protest in recent memory'

capitol CNN headline
CNN's Jake Tapper gravely reported on the "first violent protest in recent memory" yesterday.

"We've never in the history of America seen anything like it!" he cried. "Someone actually shoved a barricade!" he shouted, "and people pushed past security and went somewhere they were not supposed to go!"

Tapper dissolved into tears trying to wrap his mind around such utter, never-before-seen depravity in the history of this great nation. "I've never seen such wanton chanting and pushing before, and I hope to never see it again," he cried.

Mr. Potato

Not satire: Masks for cows aim to filter burps to curb greenhouse gas emissions

dairy cows
Dairy cows are seen at a farm, Friday, August 31, 2018 in Sainte-Marie-Madelaine, Que.
A company has developed a burp-catching device for cows in hopes that the invention will help curb greenhouse gas emissions.

The U.K.-based startup ZELP — or Zero Emission Livestock Project — claims that its burp-catching masks will help slow the spread of greenhouse gas emissions, a key component in the force of climate change.

The mask is a muzzle-like contraption that monitors the percentage of methane being released by a cow. When the monitor detects an excessive amount of gas, it then converts the methane gas into water and CO2 and releases it from the device.

Comment: So wait, this cow muzzle actually interferes with the cow's digestion? How could that be considered a good thing?

See also:

People 2

Biden promises nationwide mask mandate and womandate

biden holding mask
In light of recent events, Biden has updated his COVID plan to include not just a mask mandate, but a mask womandate as well. In a prepared statement given to his nurse and posted on Twitter, the completely legitimate and unquestioned president-elect apologized for the sexist language in his plan.

"Listen folks-- we all make mistakes. I realized this morning that my COVID plan includes a mask mandate, but not a womandate. I have amended and also awomended my plan to include a mask womandate," Biden read off his teleprompter. "We will also be adding a mask non-binarydate, a mask genderqueerdate, a mask two-spiritdate, a mask polygenderdate, and a mask non-binarytrans-speciesdate. More 'dates' will be arriving as we continue to do our research to make sure no one is left out."

According to sources, the Biden transition team has grown alarmed at the number of times the word "men" appears in the English language. They have been working around the clock to replace all usages of the word "men" in their plan with the word "women." Unfortunately, it was determined that the word "women" is also problematic, they then replaced the word "women" with "people who menstruate."

"We have a long way to go," said Biden, "but I know that in time we will mend our nation's wounds-- er, I mean, peoplewhomenstruated them."


Biden releases new memoir 'If I Rigged It'

If I rigged It
© Babylon Bee
Wilmington, DE — To commemorate the "completely fair and honest" 2020 election, Joe Biden has announced a brand new memoir called If I Rigged It. The book is already being met with critical acclaim for its compelling description of a totally hypothetical situation where Biden and the Democrats fraudulently steal the election.

"Listen here, Jack-- I didn't steal the election," said Biden to a group of adoring fans in the press. "But if I had stolen the election, this is how I would have done it. It's real simple, see? My new book will give you all the dirty details!"

Brick Wall

Democrats warn we shouldn't reopen the country until we can be safe from Trump getting credit for a good economy

Nancy Pelosi
While President Trump and some Republican governors are pushing to reopen the country soon, Democrats are much more cautious as they see a looming disaster if America ends the shutdown early: Trump getting credit for a growing economy.

"Right now, we have record joblessness, and GDP is certainly going to take a huge hit," said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. "That's exactly what you want in an election year when you're running against an incumbent. If we reverse that too soon, we're basically helping Trump's reelection."

"If we reopen now, it could be an absolute disaster," added Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. "We could have people in November saying, 'Wow. Things are getting better. Trump is doing a great job.' It's hard to imagine anything worse than that."


Fisher-Price is woke! Releases 'My First Peaceful Protest' playset with house you can actually burn down

fisher-price protest toy satire
© Babylon Bee
No word on availability of replacement parts from Fischer-Price
The toy geniuses at Fisher-Price have announced a brand new toy made just for leftist parents and their kids: the My First Peaceful Protest playset. The kid-size clubhouse will come with several varieties of spray paint so kids can tag the tiny building with their own empowering slogans. It will also be made out of cardboard, allowing the cute little tikes to burn the whole thing down if their demands are not met.

"Here at Fisher-Price, we are steadfastly committed to social justice," said toy designer Camden Flufferton. "We need to teach our kids what democracy looks like, and there's no better example of democracy in action than violent vandalism and arson. We hope this new playset will serve as an inspiration for parents wanting to teach their kids how to threaten citizens with violence whenever their demands are not met."

The set will also come with toy televisions, cell phones, jewelry, and clothing, allowing kids to simulate looting before they torch the entire set. The set will be available in stores for $399 because of capitalism.

Experts are questioning the wisdom of this move by Fisher-Price, mainly because people in the target market don't typically have any kids. "We know we'll probably only sell, like, 3 of these," said Flufferton, "but selling them isn't the point. We just need you to know we're on the right side of history."


San Francisco gets its very own mystery monolith... sorta

gingerbread monlith san francisco
© Alexis Gallagher
A monolith made of gingerbread appeared at the top of Corona Heights Park Friday morning.
A new monolith has mysteriously appeared in San Francisco — although it's perhaps not the kind one may expect if you've been paying attention to the news recently.

Rather than the smooth-sided, metal monolith seen in Utah, and later other parts of the world, San Francisco received a quirkier version. In particular, this monolith seems to be made of ... gingerbread.


Clever American disguises self as transgender Middle Easterner in hopes of receiving more COVID aid

american funny arab
In order to receive the help they need after the government shut down their businesses and forced them to stay home, many clever Americans have disguised themselves as foreigners in hopes of receiving more COVID aid.

"With this pork-filled spending bill, Congress showed us where their priorities lie," said local out-of-work bartender Darnel Ridders, who cleverly dressed up as a transgender, vaguely Middle Eastern man. "I'm hoping to add to my $600 stimulus by dipping into some of that foreign aid for Middle-Eastern gender programs!"

Other Americans are working hard to snag some of that sweet government cash by disguising themselves as art galleries, bridge projects, and Asian carp fishermen.

"We do what we gotta do to survive," said California local Crush Crusherson, who now identifies as an endangered sea turtle.*

In a stroke of genius, Crusherson's next-door neighbor secured wealth and financial security for his entire family by simply identifying as a congressman.**

"Wish I had thought of that," said Crusherson as he chewed on a squid.



Jupiter and Saturn issued fines for not obeying social distance rules

jupiter saturn
Astronomers at NASA have fined two planets in our solar system, Saturn and Jupiter, for callously disregarding social distancing rules as their paths cross in the night sky.

"The great conjunction of these two planets in the night sky will be a thing to behold," said NASA scientist Borg Nilsenlarg. "But we highly recommend not beholding it. The science on COVID is still being worked out and we can't predict what awful consequences may follow from these two renegade celestial travelers violating social distancing guidelines."

It is currently not quite clear how a planet can actually be fined, or how a planet can spread COVID, or how a virus can survive on a hostile planetary atmosphere, or how that affects humans on Earth. These concerns were quickly put to rest, however, after Gavin Newsome looked up from his appetizer at French Laundry to yell "SCIENCE!" in a very authoritative-sounding voice.

The U.S. Government has tasked Space Force with collecting the fine from these two planets. The mission is expected to cost 3.2 Trillion dollars, which is the equivalent of about twelve $600 stimulus checks.