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Fri, 25 Sep 2020
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I was raped by whoever Trump picks to replace Ginsburg on the Supreme Court

woman blue background
This is incredibly difficult for me to do but I feel that it's necessary to come forward and expose the type of person that Trump will select for the Supreme Court of the great country.

I was raped by whoever Trump selects to replace Ruth Bader Ginsburg for the Supreme Court.

It was in the 1990s and the details are a little fuzzy. We were at a party and I distinctly remember this person coming on to me and rubbing up against me.

I told this person I wasn't interested but whoever it was persisted and when we were alone forced himself or herself on me, pulling off my clothes and penetrating me while I constantly said, "No!"

I haven't come forward yet because I was ashamed and afraid. This person is clearly very powerful, but now that this person is being considered for the Supreme Court, I think it's necessary to let people know who they're dealing with, especially after Trump picked a literal serial killer last time.

And the Soros money doesn't hurt.

Cardboard Box

Instant karma! Angry driver screaming at Trump supporters and flipping the bird rear-ends car in front of police

Trump Derangement Syndrome
Trump Derangement Syndrome is real.

A far left lunatic was screaming, "F*** Donald Trump!" and flipping off Trump street corner protesters.

The woman started hanging out her window flipping the Trump supporters off.

Then she hit the car in front of her.

Karma is a bitch.


Apple Red

Wife completely fine with the patriarchy as long as it mows the lawn every weekend

lawnmower
Willow and Ryan Wyndin started married life completely committed to equally splitting every task and chore 50-50. It was a beautiful thing to see as they kept timesheets and shared every responsibility 100% fairly. Willow went off to her job every day and came home to take turns doing things like mowing the lawn, shoveling snow, and sweeping the garage.

But, eventually, Willow surrendered to the patriarchy as long as the patriarchy was willing to mow the lawn every weekend, saying, "I'm 100% OK with the patriarchy as long as it keeps the lawn mowed and repairs things that break around here."

She is now rethinking her entire career choice and plans to write a book on why feminism should embrace the patriarchy. She also says she'd like to stay home and have a bunch of babies, so long as she doesn't have to touch that lawnmower again. "I just think it's so freeing to discover that the way my parents and grandparents and great-grandparents did things was actually really fair. Like, if feminism means I have to mow the lawn, then I'm out. That just doesn't work for me. And frankly, Ryan always puts the dishes away in the wrong spot when he unloads the dishwasher - that's so annoying."

"Stay out of my territory, patriarchy!"

Ryan is totally cool with the new perspective Willow has on shared responsibility and immediately bought a pickup truck to haul supplies to build his man cave. He also recently took on a third job so he can pay someone to mow the lawn.

Smiley

Nobel prize? Trump forges peace deal between elves, dwarves

trump elves dwarves
© The Babylon Bee
Meeting in the Golden Hall of Rohan this week, a location neutral to both Elves and Dwarves, well-known master negotiator Donald Trump forged a historic peace deal between the two races.

"OK, you, little guy -- what's your beef with blondie here?" Trump asked Gimli son of Glóin, representing the ancient race of Dwarves, as Trump gestured toward Legolas, son of Thranduil of Mirkwood. "He's a nice guy. Talked to him myself. He's a little weird, sure. A little full of himself. And he says strange stuff sometimes like 'A red sun rises, blood has been spilt this night.' But aren't we all a little unique in our own way?"

Gimli crossed his arms. "He is always making fun of my height. And he thinks he's better than everyone just because he's got that long, flowing, blonde hair. Hmph."

"Blondie, is this true?" Trump asked.

Legolas looked down ashamedly and drew a circle in the ground with his foot. "Yeah. Maybe I was a little too harsh. I was just joking around. Sorry, man."

"Beautiful! A new alliance. Best alliance maybe ever!" The pair then went skipping off into the sunset, killing Orcs and having a lively competition over who could kill more of the evil invaders.

Next, Trump says he plans to try to unite Saruman and Sauron. "Should be a piece of cake!"

Smiley

Miracle cure! Mental health experts suggest logging off social media, then backing over all your electronic devices with a van

computer car run over
© The Babylon Bee
In a new report issued Wednesday, health experts are now recommending regularly logging off your social media accounts, and then backing over your electronic devices with a van or other large vehicle.

"We've found that mental wellness is greatly increased when people take a few minutes each day to log off of Facebook and Twitter, take a stroll out to the driveway, and just crush all of their electronic devices forever," one study intern told reporters. "Then stare pensively at the beautiful weather and enjoy your newfound freedom from the toxicity that permeates the internet."

The study showed that people who log off of Twitter to escape the latest political or social drama and then permanently destroy their smartphones are "far more likely" to lead positive, fulfilling lives than those who stay logged into the service. Likewise, the research showed that avoiding a drawn-out Facebook debate is best done by logging out, taking a few deep breaths, and then crushing your laptop with an industrial vehicle.

"It's science," they concluded.

Bomb

Democrats reveal they have planted dynamite all around nation and will blow it up if Biden isn't elected

nancy pelosi bomb
In an address to the nation written using letters cut out from a magazine and glued to paper, the Democrats are offering their most persuasive case yet for Biden's election. According to the letter, Democrats have planted booby traps rigged with dynamite all throughout the country, and they are set to explode if Biden is not elected president.

"Why so serious?" said Biden's running mate Kamala Harris. "It's just a little joke! The real joke is Trump, and we're just joining in all the fun! HEE HEE HEE HA HO HA HEE HO!"

"Vote for Biden, or the country you love will be blown sky-high -- HAHAHA!" cackled Nancy Pelosi. "If you don't want to see the Lincoln Memorial, shall we say, in a state of disrepair, you'd better vote for the old, senile man! Ha ha ha ha ha! HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA... fnffff oh, do excuse me... ha ha ha ha ha! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Her heavy makeup smeared down her face as she cried in laughter, making her resemble a clown.

Smiley

U-Haul introduces new line of armored War Rigs: Perfect for Californians fleeing state's post-apocalyptic wasteland

uhaul armored truck california apocalypse
© The Babylon Bee
To help meet the demand of millions of people desperately trying to escape the dark, ravaged wasteland of California, U-Haul is introducing a new product in its moving van line-up: the War Rig. These weaponized, armored moving vehicles will ensure you and your belongings stay safe during the long and perilous journey out of the state.

"We knew it was time to introduce some more serious vehicles to our fleet," said local U-Haul franchise owner Glax Destroyer, who manages 12 locations in Southern California. "We brought in the War Rig to supplement our completely depleted fleet of moving vans. With everyone leaving in droves, we don't have much left. We're pretty much salvaging old trucks from the junkyard and then adding armor plating and mounted weapons."

Sources confirm that each War Rig will comfortably seat a traditionally-sized California family of one person. They boast a fuel economy of 6 miles per gallon of guzzoline, which the U-Haul location will provide.

"I live! I die! I live again!" cried one patriarch as he led his family through the desert and toward Arizona in one of the new U-Haul War Rigs. "Witness me!"

Mr. Destroyer encourages customers to come early to secure their rigs before his power goes out and everything bursts into flames.

Frog

Babylon Bee explains it all for you: Creationism versus Evolution

evolution
Where do we come from? Why are we here? These are questions a lot of people agonize over, though we're usually too busy doing more expedient stuff like watching Netflix. But, because y'all insisted, we got our lazy behinds off the couch and started researching the whole creationism vs. evolution thing. We watched YouTube videos, visited the Ark Encounter, and binged every episode of Bill Nye Saves the World. Several interns died to bring us this information, so please cherish it.

Origins

Creationism: Man looked around at creation and was like, "Yep, this was definitely designed. Only an idiot would think otherwise."

Evolution: It all began when a guy sailed to an island and saw a bunch of birds with different sizes of beaks which of course can only mean God is dead.

Beliefs

Creationism: We were fashioned by the universe's greatest artist and engineer who loves us and has a plan for us. Also, Jesus probably rode a dinosaur at some point, which is pretty frickin' rad.

Evolution: All life evolved from a rock billions of years ago totally by accident so you should just kill yourself because everything is meaningless. Talk about an uplifting worldview!

Comment: Evolution - A Modern Fairy Tale


Smiley

Rioters beginning to worry they can no longer loot safely

joke rioters house burning
© The Babylon Bee
For the past few months, the riots across America have been relatively peaceful, with people able to loot stores, beat bystanders, and burn down buildings without any fear of violence. That has changed recently, though, with the deployment of the National Guard in some places and the outbreak of armed right-wingers in other areas.

"It used to be if you were just minding your own business, stealing things and setting the neighborhood on fire, people would leave you alone," said Chris Rice, a rioter. "Now it's getting scary. You can't even smash a window in peace."

Many point to how Kyle Rittenhouse shot three people and worry that incidents like that could spread.

"Everything has been so peaceful during these riots," said Noah Glover, a self-described member of Antifa. "You could just run up to someone and beat him unconscious with a sock full of nickels and not have to worry about any violence. But now it's getting dangerous."

Some of the rioters are trying to think of new ways to get their message across other than looting and arson, but none of them can remember what they were protesting.

Quenelle

Ingenuity, resolve, class: Man avoids wearing face mask on Tenerife flight by making tube of Pringles last four hours

pringles
© Michael Richards
Michael Richards managed to make the Pringles last four hours
A passenger came up with an extreme method to avoid wearing a face mask on his flight to Tenerife by making a tube of Pringles last four hours.

Michael Richards said he tried out the experiment for "a laugh" and not because he is an "anti-masker".

Like most airlines during the coronavirus pandemic, EasyJet has introduced new rules that state face masks must be worn at the airport, at the gate and when boarding the plane.

But passengers are allowed to remove their masks while eating food during their flight.

When Mr Richards boarded his EasyJet flight from Manchester to Tenerife on August 25, he decided to see how long he could go without wearing his mask.

The 41-year-old entertainer told the Evening Standard: "I was just sitting on the plane and I thought I could make these Pringles last four hours.

"I calculated that there's about 100 Pringles in a tube and you get away with eating a Pringle for about two-and-a-half minutes."