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Sun, 13 Oct 2019
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USA

Constitution slowly disappearing say stunned officials at National Archives

We the People
© Wikipedia
Washington, D.C. — According to stunned officials working at the National Archives, the text of the United States Constitution has slowly begun disappearing from existence, much like Marty McFly and his family in the classic 1985 sci-fi/adventure film Back to the Future.

Experts stated the text began to mysteriously disappear sometime during the Bush administration and rapidly accelerated under both Barack Obama and Donald Trump.

Smiley

British citizens drawn to idea of chimpanzees running the country

Parliament of Chimps
© NewsThump
After a painting by Banksy showing the House of Commons being run by chimpanzees was sold at auction for just under £9.9m, the British public has asked if this is something that could be implemented as soon as possible.

The 4m wide artwork 'Devolved Parliament' was painted by the anonymous Bristol artist in 2009, and depicts the House of Commons full of chimpanzees deciding the direction of the country.

"It's a great painting, and obviously makes a satirical point about the nature of debate in our parliament", explained art critic Simon Williams, "and the reason it makes such a point is that it shows the contrast between the measured, contemplative depiction of the chimpanzees, which is of course at odds with the rowdy, aggressive, sneering behaviour that those of us who tune into the BBC Parliament channel are subjected to."

USA

Hillary informed by staffer that she lost 2016 election

Killary Lost
© Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C. — After Hillary Clinton once again suggested that Donald Trump was an illegitimate president, one unfortunate staffer was forced to be the one to gently inform her that she lost the election.

"Hey, Hill, we need to talk," the aide said, her voice shaky and uncertain. "We've got to discuss something of some importance. We're all a little worried about you, and we just need to make sure you realize something about the election from a few years ago."

"We don't have time. We need to keep campaigning in swing states like New York and California," Clinton declared, checking her watch. "We'll beat that Trump yet!"

Mr. Potato

Rosie O'Donnell deletes her Twitter poll showing 58 percent say 'hell no' to impeachment

rosie odonnell
© Evan Agostini/Invision/AP
Actress and left-wing activist Rosie O'Donnell has been left red-faced after her own Twitter poll showed a 58 percent result against impeaching her long-time adversary President Donald Trump.

In a poll that simply asked "should Trump be impeached," 58 percent of respondents voted "hell no," while 42 percent voted for the alternative of "hell yes." Exactly 272,582 people voted in total.

Bacon

Avoiding red meat may lead to longer, more miserable life says new study

Red Meat
© Associated Press / J. Scott Applewhite
U.S. — A new study suggests that avoiding red meat may lead to a longer, more miserable life.

The study found that by carefully avoiding bacon, carne asada, chicken-fried steak, hamburgers, brisket, tri-tip, tomahawk steak, and filet mignon, you might be able to eke another year or two out of your pointless existence.

"You might live a little longer, maybe," said one study intern. "Of course, then you'll be eating salad, kale, vegetables, fruits, and generally just hating life. So yeah, it's kind of a lose-lose."

Careful research showed that those who spent every waking moment trying to avoid the temptation to bite into a delicious bone-in ribeye could gain a few months of life, but they would pretty much hate those extra months of life, as well as the rest of their life, because they weren't eating red meat.

Music

DEATH METAL version of Greta Thunberg's UN speech online scores over 1.7 mn views

Greta
© Reuters / Piroschka van de Wouw
If you thought the UN speech of young eco-activist Greta Thunberg could not get any more apocalyptic, the internet's there to prove you wrong. A death metal adaptation of the speech has emerged online - and it's truly terrifying.

The music video was produced by musician and YouTuber John Mollusk, who said he'd been "inspired" by Thunberg - and specifically her notorious quote "I want you to panic." The song fully repeats most of the activist's speech, just with a little death growl added to turn it into a frightening new genre of eco-death metal.

The speech by the 16-year-old, which fittingly included such dramatic phrases as "mass extinction," "how dare you?"and "we will never forgive you!" sound even more brutal in Mollusk's adaptation, turning it into a true sermon of death and destruction.

Smiley

Trump has not launched enough drone strikes to qualify for Nobel Peace Prize says committee

Donal Trump
© Babylon Bee
Oslo, Norway — The Norwegian Nobel Committee was reportedly considering President Trump as a recipient of its prestigious Nobel Peace Prize, as the president had submitted his name for consideration to them over 67 times. But after reviewing his credentials, the committee concluded that he had not launched enough drone strikes against foreigners to qualify.

"Yeah, you've dabbled in attacks, but what we're really looking for is someone who's really committed to a secret drone war," said a spokesperson for the committee. "Look at previous winners like Barack Obama: now there's a shining example of someone who achieved world peace not through lame diplomacy but by blowing up foreigners with impunity."

Obama also criticized Trump's drone strike count, saying they were "rookie numbers" and he needs to "pump those numbers up."

Dollars

Marionette strings clearly visible during Greta Thunberg UN testimony

Thunberg Greta
© Babylon Bee
New York, NY — Climate activist and adolescent Greta Thunberg gave a passionate speech at the UN Climate Action Summit in New York, declaring, "How dare you? You have stolen my dreams and my childhood with your empty words, and yet I'm one of the lucky ones. People are suffering. People are dying. Entire ecosystems are collapsing."

"This is all wrong," she declared, clearly on the verge of tears.

Savvy viewers, however, noticed there were marionette strings attached to the 16-year-old throughout her speech.

Bullseye

Just in time for Oktoberfest: German court rules hangovers are officially an 'illness'

Beer fest
© Reuters / Andreas Gebert
If you've ever called in "sick" to work after one too many beers the night before, the law might be on your side if your boss finds out — at least in Germany, where a court has ruled that hangovers are officially an "illness."

The decision came after a drinks firm which markets its "anti-hangover" shots and drink powders was taken to court, accused of making illegal health claims about hangover cures.

In its ruling, the Frankfurt court said that firms could not "ascribe any properties for preventing, treating or healing a human illness or give the impression of such a property."

Bizarro Earth

Russian aggression... in a galaxy far away? NATO maritime experts sought to secure mysterious 'Sea of Asimov'

The Sea of Asimov
© Pixabay / Reimund Bertrams
The Sea of Asimov (artist's impression)
A NATO maritime expert discovered a conflict hotspot, as crucial as the Persian Gulf, that no one else has heard of. Apparently, the mysterious "Sea of Asimov" urgently needs NATO's protection. The error was later corrected.

"Recent events in the Persian Gulf and Sea of Asimov have demonstrated the need for naval power and for NATO forces' to be able to find and destroy mines," declares a NATO puff piece featuring Maritime Officer Paul Beckley, who apparently has traveled to distant galaxies not accessible to non-NATO countries.

The article discussed the importance of Beckley's role without giving any further insight into the enigmatic body of water he's helping to mine-sweep for NATO. Certainly, the Sea of Asimov is not found on any human maps, from this planet anyway. What else does Beckley do there? Fight off space pirates? Subdue Cthulhu and his minions? Inquiring minds want to know.