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Thu, 29 Sep 2016
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Stormtrooper

New Star Wars films to be released every twenty minutes says Disney's CEO

© News Thump
The Walt Disney Corporation has confirmed their Star Wars release schedule to 2020, with a new film booked for release every 20 minutes for the next four years.

Disney said the new schedule 'fills the gaps' in releases because Star Wars episodes 8 & 9 and a Han Solo film just aren't enough to pay for that new beach condo in the Bahamas satisfy fans.

The schedule is set to kick off with Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, followed within the hour by Mace Windu: Champion of the Force, Bossk - A Bounty Hunter's Tale and a romantic comedy called TK-421, Trooper in Love.

"Casting Jim Carrey as Trooper TK-421 in a series of hilarious romantic misadventures is likely to be the most popular move we've made in Star Wars since the introduction of Jar-Jar Binks," we were told.

"We had asked Adam Sandler but he said he was too busy, which is a first."

The studio has confirmed films about everyone you can think of, including Yoda, an origin story for the Wampa monster, and a tragic tale of family conflict seen through the eyes of that droid that does nothing but waddle around going "Doink".

Disney CEO Kathleen Kennedy told reporters that her objective was to support fans in their love of Star Wars and hoped they'd take the new additions to the universe to their hearts, although she was interrupted by Scrooge McDuck skiing past her on the gigantic pile of money.

Evil Rays

Miracle teenager survives alone for almost 6 hours with no Wi-Fi

© n/a
In what has been hailed as 'a miracle', one Waterford teenager has reportedly survived in his home with no connection to the internet for almost 6 whole hours.

Answering to the name 'David Gowan', the 16-year-old was found in a distressed state yesterday evening, walking through a Dungarvan neighbourhood holding his Samsung Galaxy above his head looking for a signal and muttering incoherently.

The emergency services were notified and David was brought to a nearby Starbucks and hooked up to their Wi-Fi immediately. It remains unclear as to how the teen was left without internet for such a long period of time, and a search has begun to find David's parents, with fears that they may have other kids without even a single bar of coverage.

Gingerbread

Plane passenger finds herself sitting next to creepy doll with its own ticket - for two flights

Sara Novic detailed the strange scene on Twitter after she ended up plonked next to the toy

AN airline passenger had the creepiest flight of her life - after being forced to sit next to a bizarre life-like doll

Sara Novic detailed the strange scene on Twitter after she ended up plonked next to the fellow fliers' toy.

And just when she thought the strange episode was over, she ended up sitting next to the doll AGAIN on the second leg of her journey from Cincinnati to New York.

The story got even stranger when Sara revealed the seat had been bought for the doll using fake passport details.

The ticket had been bought under the name Barbara and flight attendants rushed around to find out who the missing passenger was.

Wedding Rings

Putin weaponizes mid-life crisis, uses Russian hookers to hack into Brad Pitt's pants - causes break up of American institution Brangelina

Russia destroys America's most cherished institution: Brangelina. Never forgive. Never forget.

Brangelina is no more.

As Americans across the nation hold candlelight vigils and ritual mass suicides, one painful, lingering question remains: How could this happen?

Russian hookers, that's how:
"The atmosphere [off-set] was full of hard drugs and Russian hookers, and Angie was told Brad got caught up in it,'' the source said. "He's in the throes of some insane midlife crisis, and Angie is fed up."

Comment: Now its getting serious! But see what else Putin has been responsible for... Mistreating walruses too?! When will Putin's acts of aggression ever end?!


Quenelle - Golden

Jonathan Pie: 'Unelectable' Jeremy Corbyn elected again!

British reporter Jonathan Pie obliterates the notion that victorious Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn is "unelectable"... after he gets elected... again.

Pie is horrified that the media, once again, cannot come to terms with fact that Jeremy Corbyn is... The Leader of The British Labour Party.

Warning: contains strong language



For more hilariously, tragically, true news reports, check out Pie's Facebook page and his YouTube channel.

USA

Juice Rap News: 2016 USA Election

© YouTube/the juice media (screen capture)
Hello world. RAP NEWS is back for a special episode on the 2016 USA Election mayhem, feat. Hillary Clinton vs Donald Trump + a touch of Jill Stein & Gary Johnson. This one's dedicated to all the Rap News fans out there!


Comment: The hacked US elections: The dismal reality of having no real electoral choices


Radar

Oops! Chinese and Russian radar can still see the $4.4 Billion "invisible" USS Zumwalt

© Stuart Rankin/Flicker
The DDG 1000, also known as the USS Zumwalt, is the Pentagon’s $3 billion guided-missile destroyer.
The 'invisible' American Zumwalt broke down after water got into the lubrication system. In addition, this giant, created as invisible, couldn't evade Russian and Chinese radar.

The newest U.S. Navy destroyer Zumwalt was not only one of the most expensive in history, but also the most inefficient. New faults were found in its design, reports USNI News. The lubrication system is not working, responsible for the maintenance of the propeller shaft of the ship. It has taken in water, when the destroyer went to sea at the naval base in Norfolk during the current stage of testing. Repairs are expected to take no less than two weeks.

Zumwalt was launched in 2013. Its construction cost the U.S. tax payers $4.4 billion dollars. The 'highlight' of the project is that almost all the ship's systems are driven by electricity, and internal combustion engines are only needed to produce the current. That is, any leak becomes mortally dangerous, both for the ship and crew.

Because of the unusual shape and the use of radio-silencing material the USS Zumwalt is able to be invisible to radar. However, this invisibility has played a cruel joke with the Americans. As soon as the ship first went to sea, complaints from alarmed merchant ships poured in. Their radar saw "just a fishing boat," and when the destroyer was in sight, they were forced to urgently scramble to change course.

And one more detail: the destroyer was invisible for everyone, except for the Russian and Chinese radars. They operate on a different frequency and can see Zumwalt very clearly, even despite the fact that it cost $4.4 billion.

The Navy has not yet received the ship officially. The transfer is expected in 2016, apparently, only the problems are fixed.

Via Tsargrad.tv- Translated from Russian by Kristina Kharlova

Comment: U.S. tax dollars at work.


Network

According to Google searches, Europeans not keen on Brits

© Toby Melville / Reuters
Many might have long suspected it, but now Google may have provided some form of proof - that Continental Europeans are not fans of the British charms.

According to Google's autocomplete feature, which predicts users' questions using the site's most searched terms, the rest of Europe has a pretty low opinion of the United Kingdom.

Countries such as the Netherlands seem to wonder why Britons are so "ugly," and the Portuguese seem confused over why the English are "cry babies."

Germany doesn't seem to hold the Brits much higher in esteem, often asking Google: "Why are the British so stupid?"

But perhaps the Italians are the most unimpressed with good ol' Blighty, wanting to know why its inhabitants are "dirty."

According to the marketing wizards behind Search Laboratory, the Italians have a point: research has shown that the Brits don't shower as often as other nations.

Other neighboring nations seemed to simply find British habits perplexing. Hungarians don't understand why milk should be added to tea, and Lithuanians are baffled as to why people drive on the left in the UK.

Comment: We tried this out for ourselves. If you type 'why are the english' into Google, these are some of the suggestions provided:




Cow Skull

CIA trolled by Siberians who claimed to have top secret Russian military data

© Kevin Lamarque / Reuters
Two men from a remote Siberian town got in touch with the CIA aiming to sell top-secret military data. Russian intelligence found out, but let the would-be spies off with a warning - because the 'secrets' were entirely made-up.

"In 2015, a [Siberian town of] Borzya resident, born in 1993, left a message on the CIA website, offering to sell some secret information on the Russian military to US intelligence,"a source in the regional directorate of Russia's Federal Security Service (FSB) told TASS. "Shortly after he got a reply. The CIA took the bait and started asking questions."

The US agency started actively inquiring about the routine of Russian military facilities, although for some reason the CIA representatives chose to avoid the subject of money, the source said.

MIB

A wasteful life? Darth Vader picks up trash alongside Virginia highway

A Virginia man who adopted a stretch of highway under the name Darth Vader donned the costume of the Star Wars character while cleaning up roadside trash.

Darth Vader, aka Henry Wakley, was spotted Thursday wearing a version of the Sith Lord's costume with an orange reflective vest at the side of Route 460 in Blacksburg.

Wakley adopted the stretch of highway last year and a sign at the side of the road states it was adopted by "Darth Vader."

Wakley, who spends most of his time in New Zealand on business, said he decided to don Darth Vader's robes and pick up some trash while in town for a couple of weeks.