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Satire? Britain's new Housing Minister, Liberty Snuff, addresses the nation

drone UK
Ms Snuff's speech can be heard on the MP3, with a transcript below.
Good Morning Everyone.

I'm Liberty Snuff, the new Minister for Housing, with responsibility for housing policy generally, but more specifically making sure that you do all stay in your houses at this time. As part of my role, I need to just check up on you all to make sure you're adhering to the policy and to give you all a few housekeeping rules — if you'll pardon the pun.

Firstly, I just wanted to say a big thank you to all those who have adapted so well to the new circumstances, just hunkering quietly down and getting on with your lives. You can feel very proud of yourselves for being so compliant and uncomplaining. It really is because of the likes of you that my job is made much easier, and I can get on with the much needed task of making sure that everyone obeys the rules. Do keep it up, and remember that if you ever do get an urge to go out more than your allotted "one-a-day", or to do something the Government considers non-essential, just remember, "We're all in this together". In fact, I would strongly advise that you stop what you're doing a few times a day to repeat those words over to yourself a few times, perhaps in front of the mirror or over a cup of coffee. That will make it much easier if you ever do get that urge to go out more than your one-a-day. That and the threat of a £1,000 fine, of course.

Comment: See also (not satire): Dystopia: UK police using drones to shame people for going on 'non-essential' walks


Dollars

Toilet paper crisis solved as government prints trillions of fresh, soft US dollar bills

US Dollar Bills
© Babylon Bee
USA--As part of a sweeping initiative to help unclog the economic constipation caused by the coronavirus quarantine, the White House announced they are printing out fresh, crisp dollar bills for every US citizen.

"We understand the hardship this quarantine has put on people," the White House explained in a press briefing. "Parents aren't able to drop their kids off at the pool. Florists have had to stop putting soil in the pot. With sports events canceled, we can't take the Browns to the Super Bowl. Until things get flowing again, we see this as the obvious solution to a situation that has taken a definite plunge."

Smiley

Washington accidentally shuts itself down with ban on non-essential businesses

washington capitol building
Congress has asked all non-essential businesses to limit their hours or close entirely for an undetermined amount of time.

But this shutdown mistakenly shut down the most non-essential entity of all: the government. For a brief period of time, all government in the United States was illegal, since it is completely non-essential to everything.

"Oops," said Senator Mitch McConnell. "We meant non-essential private businesses. Of course, the government is always essential, even when it's not doing anything or is making things worse."

Senators, congresspeople, and bureaucrats frantically rewrote the ban to include only businesses that actually produced something and not government agencies that just watched other people make stuff. Though they had dragged their feet on passing bills related to relieving the financial distress of the shutdown, they passed this revision in record speed, almost as quickly as they vote for pay raises for themselves.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said she would have caught the mistake but had passed the ban in a hurry, saying, "We had to pass the ban to see what it did."

House

If we have to #StayAtHome, we'll take the house with us! Kyrgyzstan residents devise creative workaround for quarantine

Kyrgyzstan quarantine, Kyrgyzstan nomads Covid
People all over the world are facing a unique set of challenges resulting from the coronavirus pandemic, but some Kyrgyzstan residents have found arguably the most creative way to #StayAtHome yet.

Kyrgyzstan declared a state of emergency on Saturday, March 21, with travel restrictions and store closures in place and the general population asked to remain at home and avoid all non-essential travel. However, with a traditionally nomadic culture comes a certain 'flexibility' when it comes to the definition of staying at home, as this hilarious viral video shows.


Smiley

Attempted armed robbery in Nanaimo goes comically off the rails, one man charged

7-11 naniamo canada
© Ian Holmes/NanaimoNewsNOW
An attempted robbery in Harewood lead to a comedy of errors for the would-be thief. The 29-year-old man faces charges and a June court appearance.
A man was arrested following a bizarre botched armed robbery at the 7-Eleven convenience store in Harewood.

Nanaimo RCMP said it happened Friday, March 20 at 4:30 p.m. when the man walked into the convenience store carrying a bag. Police said man pulled a replica firearm from the bag and placed it on the counter after demanding money.

A customer then picked up the gun and began hitting the suspect with it, according to police.

The suspect took off and ran toward a vehicle. Police said it turns out the would-be thief left his keys in the ignition, allowing another unknown man to briefly steal the truck. An alert citizen interrupted the theft before the vehicle could leave the area. The driver dropped the keys to the ground.

Police said Alexandre Babin, charged for the attempted robbery of the convenience store, eventually found his truck but not the keys. Babin, 29 of no fixed address, was arrested several blocks away. He was held overnight in custody and is slated to appear in court on June 2.

Anybody with additional information about the incident is asked to contact Nanaimo RCMP.

Corona

Jonathan Pie: LOCKDOWN

Self isolation cartoon
© Martin Rowson/The Guardian
Intrepid UK News reporter Jonathan Pie prepares to spend the foreseeable locked in and alone.

Warning: contains strong language


Comment: Jonathan Pie: LOCKDOWN episode 2


Car Black

Cops take seized SUV for joyride; owner tracks car, locks them inside for 3 hrs

suv car

The vehicle owner has lodged a complaint with Lucknow Police, alleging misuse of his car. (File photo for representation purpose only)
Three policemen had a harrowing time on Wednesday for taking a ride in a seized sports utility vehicle (SUV) to Lakhimpur Kheri district as the owner used the global positioning system (GPS) to track down the car and got it locked.

The policemen, who were caught unawares, remained stranded inside the vehicle for over three hours after the owner located the car at Nai Basti village in Lakhimpur Kheri district, located 143 kilometres away from Uttar Pradesh capital.

The policemen -- one sub-inspector and two constables posted at Lucknow's Gomtinagar police station -- went to Lakhimpur Kheri district reportedly to investigate a case on Wednesday in a 2018 model SUV, which was seized on Tuesday night after a squabble between two parties.

The vehicle owner has lodged a complaint with Lucknow Police, alleging misuse of his car.

Gold Seal

Best Hits: Russian foreign minister Lavrov's greatest achievements and public gaffes as he turns 70

Sergey lavrov
© Sputnik / Vladimir Pesnya
Russia's top diplomat has earned the respect of his colleagues both at home and abroad for his professionalism and the love of the public - mostly due unexpected gaffes rarely heard from people in his profession.

The face of the Kremlin's diplomacy, Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, the longest-serving member of the Russian government, turns 70 today. Starting out as a low-ranking diplomat at the Soviet Embassy in Sri Lanka in 1972 fresh out of the USSR's diplomatic school, MGIMO, Lavrov worked his way up to becoming the head of the Russian Foreign Ministry by 2004.

Led by Lavrov, the ministry went through a major shift, changing the way it handles Russia's international interests, and allowing Moscow to strengthen its positions on the global arena over the last 16 years.

Lavrov's unusual combination of taking a hard-line stance along with his ability to resort to witty remarks and jokes have left an indelible mark on international diplomacy. Here are Lavrov's main accomplishments as well as the most memorable remarks and gaffes that accompanied them.

Smiley

Penguin-perks: Penguins take tour of Chicago aquarium during shutdown

penguins tour zoo
© Shedd Aquarium/twitter
Penguins tour the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago
Perhaps for the first time in the species' history, penguins were the visitors and not the attraction in an aquarium, after it was closed to the public amid the coronavirus outbreak.

Animal residents of the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago have had a chance to check out the place and get familiar with their neighbours under supervision.

The venue, which is on a two-week shutdown through 29 March, has posted hilarious videos of penguins wandering around and staring at fishes on a rare "field trip".

Comment: More from Shedd Aquarium's feed:






Fish

Needing some humor? Bizarre new species of shark spawns smorgasbord of snarky memes

sixgill sawshark
© Reuters/Andrea Comas
Your average shark
Scientists have chanced upon two new species of peculiar-looking sharks, giving fresh ammunition to meme-makers who delighted in the creatures' comically-long snouts.

The sixgill sawshark boasts a conspicuous snout that has teeth and catfish-like whiskers to help it find prey. Native to the West Indian Ocean, neither of the two new species have been spotted alive in the wild - but that hasn't stopped internet users from giving them face-lifts - in Photoshop.