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Wed, 01 Apr 2020
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DNC completes assimilation process - Tulsi backs Biden

Tulsi Borg
© Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C. — The DNC Collective has assimilated yet another species, the Borg King Joe Biden proudly announced Thursday morning.

Species 10027, Tulsi Gabbard, was successfully injected with nanoprobes and assimilated into the Borg's campaign, according to Biden's statement. Gabbard quickly lost all principles and independent thought and began tirelessly working to further the purposes of the mysterious Borg species, sources inside the Borg Cube indicated.


What to do when you run out of toilet paper

© YouTube/AwakenWithJP (screen capture)
The toilet paper apocalypse is upon us! Here's what to do when you run out of toilet paper. With the fear and panic about the Coronavirus, aka, COVID-19 we're on the greatest toilet paper shortage the world has ever known. But this video will help.


Florida police warn of rogue cow on the run: Loose since January, 'faster than it looks'

rogue cow florida
© Pembroke Pines PD/ Twitter
A cow described as "faster than it looks" is wanted by U.S. police after avoiding capture for over a month.

The elusive female has been on the loose in South Florida since late January and local authorities have now issued a wanted poster for her.


Jonathan Pie: Coronavirus - Survival of the richest!

Boris Johnson and coronavirus cartoon
© Chris Riddell
As Coronavirus takes over the world, intrepid UK News reporter Jonathan Pie discusses his hygiene habits and the state of humanity.

Warning: contains strong language


Nation's nerds wake to utopia where sports is cancelled, everyone stays at home and social interaction is forbidden

U.S. — The nation's nerds woke up in a utopia this morning, one where everyone stays inside, sporting events are being canceled, and all social interaction is forbidden.

All types of nerds, from social introverts to hardcore PC gamers, welcomed the dawn of this new era, privately from their own homes.

"I have been waiting my whole life for this moment," said Ned Pendleton, 32 -- via text message, of course -- as he fired up League of Legends on his beefy gaming PC. "They told me to take up a sport and that the kids playing basketball and stuff were gonna be way more successful than us nerds who played Counter-Strike at LAN parties every weekend."

Post-It Note

Disaster at rally as Biden smudges note on hand reading, 'you are Joe Biden and you are running for president'

joe biden hand
A Joe Biden campaign stop that began with the former vice president speaking with all the grace and class he is usually known for ended in disaster after the presidential candidate accidentally smudged a note on his hand reading, "You are Joe Biden and you are running for president."

The speech started out well but quickly derailed after Biden greeted the crowd and then looked down at his reminder message scrawled in marker on the back of his hand. It was all smudged, possibly by his sweat and also when he was rubbing women's shoulders in the crowd before the speech.

"Uh-oh," he muttered. "I'm, uh... I'm Joe... Montana? No, that can't be right. Joe Billingsworth? Mmm... that doesn't sound right." Biden frantically gestured toward an aide standing nearby to help him out, but the aide turned out to be a microphone stand, so he didn't receive much help there.

Comment: Not too far from the truth!


Homebound residents across Italy sing together to stave off virus lockdown blues

cheery thoughts in Italy
© REUTERS/Alberto Lingria
The prospect of a coronavirus-induced lockdown is a truly daunting one but, through the magic of the internet, we have seen some truly inspirational moments, including beautiful, communal singalongs from across an Italy in crisis.

With more than 1,000 killed and 12,400 infected, Italy has been the country hardest hit by Covid-19 outside China. The country has been on lockdown since March 10, with police patrolling the streets to ensure the rate of infection slows as people self-isolate.

To stave off boredom and cabin fever, Italians across the country have taken to their balconies and begun singing to and with each other, in heartwarming scenes.

Comment: See also:

Blue Pill

Coronavirus - It's Deadlier Than You Thought

Coronavirus - It’s Deadlier Than You Thought
Here's the latest BREAKING NEWS update on the Coronavirus. It's definitely gonna kill you. The only way to protect yourself from COVID-19 is to buy a casket now. Stay tuned for all the latest sensationalized updates about the Corona Virus.


Prince Andrew self-isolates from Epstein investigation says Royal correspondent

Prince Andrew
© Waterford Whispers News
A SPECIAL ward has been set up in the east wing of Buckingham Palace for Prince Andrew where he will shut himself away from any further questioning about his relationship with billionaire paedophile Jeffrey Epstein, for 'as long as it takes'.

A briefing document sent to WWN's Royal Correspondent this morning described the 'self-isolation' as essential to the Prince's wellbeing, amid concerns that he may be at a high risk of being questioned by the FBI as part of their ongoing investigation into notorious offender Epstein, his contacts, and who he may have provided underage girls to for the purposes of sex.

The Duke of York had been displaying all the symptoms of innocence regarding the matter, including a solid alibi in a pizza restaurant and a complete inability to sweat thanks to trauma stemming from the Falklands war, but nevertheless, a period of no cooperation with the investigation was prescribed by palace lawyers, and will start immediately.


Jarvis Dupont: I'm every womxn

shell jarvis dupont

Thank you, Shell, for finally doing the right thing.

Sunday March 8 is the most important day of the year for women all over the world: International Womxn's Day (and if you have difficulty pronouncing that, congratulations, you are a bigot). Yes, Sunday is the day when ALL women are recognized, not just the ones with biologically recognized female parts. Chaka Khan famously sang: 'I'm every woman'. Thankfully today she would be called out as the TERF she is because the correct term is 'womxn' (at a push I will except 'womyn', but I would require prior notice in order for me to set my acceptance levels to 'moderate').

'Womxn' is being increasingly acknowledged as a more inclusive term when it comes to the complexities of contemporary gender recognition. For example, it embraces self-ID trans women like myself who reject ridiculously archaic attitudes that insist a woman has to be feminine, that she must act like a woman, dress like a woman, not have a beard, tuck in her penis, shave her arse et cetera. Unfortunately however, although 'womxn' is becoming more accepted in certain circles, the official title is still 'International Women's Day' so trans rights activists still have a lot of work to do here (and by 'work' I mean 'intimidation, public shaming and bullying' because these damn fillies just won't do as they're told).