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Sun, 24 Sep 2017
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Extinguisher

Satire: Alistair Darling sets fire to huge pile of money



Bonfire
©The Daily Mash
Londoners gathered around the blazing fortune

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling last night carried out his threat to pile up £100 billion of taxpayers' money and then set fire to it.

Mr Darling has been steadily increasing the mound outside the Treasury since last September, as City analysts debated whether he would torch it or use it to buy Sir Richard Branson a new balloon.

Pistol

Your Tacos or Your Life!

Fontana, Calif. - A hunger for carnitas nearly led to some carnage after a Fontana man was robbed of a bag of tacos at gunpoint. Police Sergeant Jeff Decker said the 35-year-old victim had just bought about $20 in tacos from a street-corner stand Sunday night and was bicycling home when the suspect confronted him and said "Give me your tacos."

Sheeple

Church Urges Hanky Panky Among Members

Ybor City, Fla. - A southwest Florida church issued a challenge for its married members this past Sunday: Hanky panky every day. Relevant Church head pastor Paul Wirth says the 50 percent divorce rate was the catalyst for The 30-Day Sex Challenge.

Question

Czech police investigate railway bridge theft

Police in the western Czech border town of Cheb have launched an investigation into the theft of a four-tonne railway bridge.

"We are not sure if it was taken for personal use or for its scrap value," police spokeswoman Martina Hruskova told AFP. "It is the first time we have dealt with this type of theft."

Image
©Unknown
A railway bridge missing after being destroyed by the floods

Heart

To have and to hold ... for 83 years and counting

Eight decades after heading down the aisle, a White Bear Lake couple may be headed for the Guinness Book of Records.

Clarence, 101, and Mayme Vail, 99, celebrated their 83rd anniversary Sunday, possibly making them the longest married couple alive in the United States.

Penis Pump

Vanity plate sold for $14 million in UAE

Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates - A license plate with nothing but the number "1" on it went for a record $14 million at a charity auction Saturday.

UAE vanity plate
©AP
The coveted licence plate in a display case prior to the start of a charity auction

Cowboy Hat

Naked Cowboy sues Mars

New York's Naked Cowboy is suing the Mars confectionery giant for £3m for stealing his image.

Naked cowboy
©Unknown
A naked cowboy yesterday

Magic Wand

UK: Banksy's whitewashed artwork puts in an unexpected second appearance

Now you see it, now you don't . . . and now you do again. A large-scale artwork by Banksy, the "guerrilla" graffiti artist, disappeared last weekend after a rival graffiti artist sprayed white paint over it.

Just as everyone assumed that the original work - painted on the wall of an arts centre two years ago - was beyond saving, it somehow materialised again yesterday.

Image
©Unknown
A mural of a maid sweeping by the graffiti artist Banksy on the corner of Regents Park Road in London

Stop

Armed Grannie Tries To Rob Post Office

Police are hunting a knife-wielding "little old lady" who tried to rob a post office.

The woman threatened the cashier and demanded money.

But the bandit - aged between 65 and 70 - shuffled away empty handed when staff activated alarms.

The pensioner - who struck in Northenden, Manchester - is described as white, and about 5ft 2in.

Eye 1

'Blind' man caught driving

Rome - A 70 year-old Italian man who had been pretending to be blind for 40 years to get an invalid's pension was arrested as he drove his car, Sky TG24 television said on Thursday.