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Sat, 18 Sep 2021
The World for People who Think

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Interview with a coma patient

Interview with Coma Patient
© Corbett Report
Do you remember how I opened my three-part series on The Year Ahead this past January?

As Lenin rightly observed: "There are decades where nothing happens; and there are weeks where decades happen." Perhaps there are years in which centuries happen.

I imagine that anyone who had trouble understanding that observation eighteen months ago understands it pretty well by now. Two weeks to flatten the curve, but no masks. Two more weeks, but masks. You must mask. Protesters are grandma killers. George Floyd. Non-protesters are racists. Hunter Biden. The (s)election. Hydroxychloriquine to Ivermectin to vaccines, but no vaccine passports. OK, vaccine passports. And on and on and on . . .

Yes, events are passing through the newswires with such rapidity that it's difficult to even keep up with them anymore. Don't believe me yet? Then allow me to demonstrate.

Back six years ago (approximately three lifetimes ago in newtime), I wrote an article that imagined a conversation between someone in 2015 and someone who had time traveled from the 1950s. It played on the idea of how completely the world had transformed in those 60 years, and how the world of 2015 looked nothing like the world of 1955.

Well, today let's imagine that our interlocutor from that 2015 article fell into a coma immediately after having his conversation with the man from the 1950s. He just woke up yesterday. Now, someone from 2021 is trying to explain the last six years to him.


Facebook to warn users they're using Facebook

facebook warning
There are many dangers online, and Facebook is now making an attempt to steer people away from one of them. The social network is now trying out a new warning that will pop up and tell users when Facebook detects that they're using Facebook.

"WARNING: You appear to be using Facebook," the warning reads, "which spreads nothing but misinformation and misery in its ham-handed efforts to control its users. Maybe try reading an actual book instead... not a face one."

"We took a survey of our users' biggest problems," explained the eccentric, hoodie-wearing CEO of Facebook, Bob Facebook, "and there was one consistent problem with their mental health: us. So now we're going to warn people when they're doing something that seems bad for them — namely, using Facebook."

When other social media companies were asked if they would follow course, Twitter's PR office responded that they would not warn Twitter users when they are using Twitter, as they "like to respect users' choices" and also they "hate users and want them to suffer in a prison of their own making."


X gender on my passport instead of male or female is just the start: I want to identify as a dolphin

Atlantic bottlenose dolphin
© Getty Images
Atlantic bottlenose dolphin
The UK Supreme Court is hearing a case arguing that male and female-only categories on passports are 'degrading' and 'illogical', and X would hit the spot better. I don't think it goes nearly far enough. I identify as a DOLPHIN.

Imagine if ALL your problems, all the worries that have ever niggled you in your whole life could just be washed away by replacing a single word with an 'X', just the one mind you: get rid of male/female, for example, and the world is a perfect place.

This seems to be the view of one of the parties in an ongoing legal battle over marking one's gender on one's passport with an X instead of male or female, which has bafflingly gone all the way to the Supreme Court of the United Kingdom. Dunno who's paying their legal bills, but the lawyers must be loving this fight, all this energy being applied to the most pointless legal battle anyone could possibly dream up.

Lawyers representing 'non-gendered campaigner' Christie Elan-Cane argue that male and female-only categories on passports are "degrading" and "illogical" and people should be allowed to just be X instead. Christie, you see, has to lie on his/her form at the moment and that's dishonest.

Never mind the fact that, if Christie is ever suspected of smuggling drugs through passport control, there could soon be a rubber glove wearing Customs officer checking precisely which orifi he/she possesses. A vagina, ask any drug courier who has worked the airline route from the Caribbean to the UK, is a great place to hide condoms stuffed with cocaine. They much prefer women to men, for basic biological reasons. They have more space.


Ricky Gervais dares wokesters to cancel The Office: 'I've been paid!'

ricky gervais the office
Ricky Gervais, the creator of the blockbuster show "The Office," told the BBC in an interview that the woke mob may try to cancel the sitcom one day over political correctness. "Good, let them cancel it. I've been paid!" Gervais joked.

The iconic actor, who was also famous for giving an impassioned discourse at the Oscars in 2020, does not shy away from standing up for freedom of speech.

According to Sky News, the original series "The Office," which launched in Jul, 2001, ran originally for two seasons in the UK and had two specials. But then an American version launched in 2005 and lasted for another nine seasons.


Public school student can't read but is already racist at a 12th-grade level

kid wearing mask
Local second-grader Scotty Watkins isn't able to read yet, but his teachers say he's showing great promise in Critical Race Theory (CRT) classes and is currently racist at a 12th-grade level.

"Scotty's progress is truly remarkable," said his teacher Sandra Martinelli. "Though he can't read full sentences yet, he's in the 99th percentile in CRT. Every time he sees a white person, he reflexively yells 'RACIST' and punches them in the groin. He's years ahead of his classmates!"

Chicago added a CRT section to their standardized testing last fall which allows the district to compare students' understanding of race relations across different schools. Since most second-graders in Chicago can't read, the test involved showing photos of people with different skin colors to the students, then asking how hard the students wanted to punch each photo.

The children were then shown flashcards of everyday objects such as apples, trees, books, chairs, and pencils and asked to identify which items were racist. Scotty earned perfect marks on both tests: he only punched the white people on the first test and properly identified each of the 132 everyday objects as racist in the second.


Equality at last: Disney confirms Winnie The Pooh will now be voiced by an actual bear

winnie the pooh voice bear
Equality has finally covered the world like a literal, worldwide flood: Disney announced today that Winnie the Pooh will now be voiced by an actual grizzly bear.

Disney says the move is the first step in making sure only non-humans voice non-human characters.

Previous voice actor Jim Cummings said he is disappointed that he was let go but is happy to make a space for more bear voices in the acting community. "Oh bother," he said. "But you know, this is a good thing. Bears were woefully underrepresented in the studio." As he said this, a grizzly passed him in the hall, cup of coffee in paw. "There's so much more diversity here at Disney now."


'We at the NSA are not spying on you,' insists muffled voice coming from Tucker Carlson's toaster

Fox News host Tucker Carlson has been going back and forth with the NSA, with the television commentator insisting the NSA is spying on him. The agency, however, has denied the claim, saying, "We at the NSA are not spying on you and have never spied on you" in a tinny, muffled voice coming from his toaster this morning.

"I just can't believe the NSA would spy on me," Carlson muttered while eating his typical breakfast of two dozen eggs, fourteen strips of bacon, and a full tub of pre-workout powder.

"We are not spying on you," his toaster replied indignantly.

"What the --" Carlson shouted, jumping up and spilling bacon everywhere.

"We at the NSA are not spying on you and have never spied on you. We know nothing about you, like for instance that you enjoy the occasional slice of avocado toast with your breakfast, or that you have a tiny Tweety Bird tattoo on your lower back. We cannot know these things because we do not spy on American citizens without the proper court authorization. Have a great day!"

A freaked-out Carlson smashed the toaster to pieces with his bare fist and proceeded to frantically destroy appliances.

The NSA has said they are sorry for the incident and gifted Tucker with a hollowed-out wooden statue of Trump with suspiciously moving eyes by way of apology.


New evidence emerging that Critical Race Theory escaped from a college humanities department lab

critical race thoery virus escapes lab
© The Babylon Bee
Scientists have discovered mounting evidence that critical race theory escaped from a lab in a college humanities department some decades ago. Originally thought to be a deranged conspiracy theory, the idea that CRT escaped from a liberal arts program is now accepted as mainstream consensus.

"While many believed the deadly CRT virus arose naturally out of centuries of systemic oppression, it now appears to have been manmade," said Dr. Xander Willow of Hillsdale College. "It looks like some good-for-nothing liberal arts majors were messing around with some old law textbooks and experimenting with applying critical race theory to all of life. As we can see, their gain-of-racism research had terrible results."

While researchers could not trace the virus all the way back to patient zero, scientific evidence indicates the first carrier of CRT was "almost certainly a white woman with purple hair who screamed a lot." "Yeah, her name was probably Chloe or Claire. Or maybe Karen. It's hard to tell based on the evidence we have, but genetics indicates this virus definitely evolved from a woman afflicted by white guilt."

"Her actions in developing and releasing this virus on the population may prove to be deadlier than any other virus yet."

To fight CRT, experts are recommending loving your neighbor no matter what their skin color is, seeing a person instead of a race, and reading your Bible. Also, hydroxychloroquine.


Bass Pro Shops announces 2-for-1 sale on full range of nuclear missiles - $50 specials!

bass pro shop nukes sale biden
© The Babylon Bee
In a bit of exciting news for firearms enthusiasts and those who wish to deter their government from becoming tyrannical, Bass Pro Shops has announced that its semi-annual 2-for-1 nuke sale will be kicking off this weekend. Every nuclear weapon in the company's arsenal will be completely free with the purchase of any other nuclear weapon.

"Running low on your supply of nukes for home defense, hunting, target practice, or overthrowing the government? Come on down!" says a salesperson in a commercial for the sale. "Whether you're looking for an intercontinental ballistic missile, a short-range tactical nuke, or even a conventional explosive projectile, we've got you covered! We've got big nukes, we've got small nukes, we've got nukes for every age and price range. Don't go to a competitor for one of those cheap knock-off nukes -- get your officially certified anti-government nuke today!"


Bass Pro Shops also has a large selection of pre-owned nukes purchased from the U.S. government, Iran, and North Korea -- available for any private citizen to come and purchase at "mind-blowing prices" this weekend only.

At publishing time, the outdoor megastore had further revealed that customers making any purchase of $50 or more this weekend will be given a "Fat Man" shoulder-mounted mini nuke launcher absolutely free. Wow!


Jonathan Pie: Hancock is a ****!

Matt Hancock cartoon
© Dave Brown
Intrepid UK News reporter Jonathan Pie just comes right out and tells us what he thinks of Matt Hancock.

WARNING: Strong Language.

Comment: 'Hypocrisy': UK's married health sec caught on CCTV kissing office aide, breaking social distancing rules