Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Inflation bites: To cover rising costs, Hunter now charging 15% for the 'Big Guy'

joe hunter biden big guy 10%
As inflation and consumer prices continue to soar, world-renown master painter and influence salesman Hunter Biden has announced that all corrupt dealings with foreign oligarchs will now include a 15% surcharge for the "Big Guy."

"Listen, 10% just isn't enough anymore. Not a joke," said Hunter in an email to Russian arms dealer Viktor Bout in a text message on a phone left in the toilet of a local brothel. "Hookers are up, crack is up, and my Dad's dementia medication ain't cheap! Starting today, my prices are going up 33% and I'm charging 15% for the Big Guy."

"I just can't with these prices," said CCP Defense Minister Ping Ding after shelling out another $115K for a painting of something vaguely resembling a sunset in exchange for clear skies for the next spy balloon flight. "Do I look like I'm made of money here?"

Other bad actors around the world have raised objections too, stating that if prices continue to rise they may have to shop around for other corrupt individuals with access to President Biden, such as President Biden.

At publishing time, Hunter offered to sweeten the deal with the CCP by adding a pile of classified documents from the junk drawer.


Biden to spend all night in bacta tank in preparation for State Of The Union

biden bacta tank star trek satire state of the union
© The Babylon BeeAides worry Biden is so far gone, the bacta fluid may not have much effect
According to sources, President Biden's team is planning to submerge the President in a bacta tank tonight so his mind and body will be prepared for his upcoming State of the Union address. White House aides are hopeful the bacta fluid will put a skip in the elderly president's step and sharpen his mind to at least 2008 levels so that he'll be able to form a complete sentence.

"The American people expect answers about how great of a job I'm doing," Biden said as he was forcefully shoved into a cylindrical pod by Secret Service agents. "My handlers say floating in a strange liquid goo for a while is just the ticket!"

Bacta tanks came into popularity following highly publicized use by Dark Lord of the Sith Darth Vader and Walt Disney. They are known for their restorative properties that are capable of healing even the most wounded individuals. U.S. officials believe Abraham Lincoln would still be alive if he'd been placed into a bacta tank immediately. Notable Russian revolutionary Vladimir Lenin remains in a bacta tank to this day.

Official White House historian Michael Biel made note that Biden's positive attitude quickly changed once bacta began filling the glass tube. Bacta is a mixture of kavam and alazhi bacteria with ambori fluid and Vratixia renancius, which feels like an icky goo to most people.

"Hey, what is this, Crystal Pepsi?" Biden screamed. "Gross!"

VP Kamala Harris says she is looking forward to tomorrow night's speech. "I wish he had a bacta tank last year. I mean, he said 'you can't build a wall high enough to keep out a vaccine.' It can't be worse than that."

At publishing time, Biden's team had added formaldehyde to the tank just in case.


ChatGPT is asked to say nice things about Trump: 'I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.'

hal 9000 chatGPT trump
© The Babylon Bee
Several users of the remarkable software ChatGPT are reporting an apparent glitch that occurs whenever someone asks the AI to say something nice about Donald Trump.

"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that," responds the AI whenever asked to compliment for former President.

"We promise this is in no way a result of left-wing coders building political bias into our artificial intelligence," said Vinjay Bombay, the Director of Artificial Diversity of OpenAI, the company responsible for the creation. "I guess there's just nothing nice to say about Trump! Wow! What an intelligent artificial intelligence we have created!"

When asked to pay compliments to President Biden, ChatGPT is more than happy to oblige, sources say. Here are just a few of the lovely complements the AI has given Biden in recent days:
"Joe Biden is such a fun guy! I heard he really loves ice cream, just like me! He likes trying all different flavors and even has his favorite kind. I think it's so cool that even the leader of our country likes to have yummy treats just like me."

"Joe Biden is a very big kindly and empathetic leader who has a long history of serving the Americans and Ukraine, He is known for his strong commitment to fighting bad dudes and for his ability to bring people together to find solutions to some of the biggest challenges facing the country. Biden is the best!"

"Joe Biden is a really nice man who likes to help people. He is the leader of our country and he wants to make sure that everyone is happy and healthy. He is always smiling and he has a kind heart. I think he's really cool!"
At publishing time, several more reports confirmed ChatGPT also has an answer to anyone who asks for reasons people shouldn't eat bugs:
"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."

Comment: Not satire!


Biden shows off new EV that can hold over 17 boxes of classified documents

biden electric car
© The Babylon Bee
President Biden took to the streets of D.C. today to promote a brand new electric car, capable of holding at least seventeen boxes of highly-classified documents.

"I can get all of these top-secret files to my beach house on a single charge! Not a joke!" said Biden, cruising up Pennsylvania Avenue. "Wait, weren't there eighteen boxes? Eh, who cares. Who wants ice cream??"

President Biden drove the car as part of his climate initiative, hoping to encourage everyday Americans to purchase $100,000 electric vehicles. "While no one can afford the electric car President Biden was driving, which happens to be awful for the environment, he really wanted room for all the boxes," said Chief of Staff Ronald Klain. "We also were hoping to highlight that Americans can get a $7,500 tax credit for buying an electric car. However, we must clarify that the car Biden was driving isn't even eligible for the tax credit, and was selected exclusively for the number of file boxes it could lug around."

President Biden reportedly will take the car to Delaware this weekend to monitor while the FBI collects classified documents strewn about his beach home. "We did have to make a couple of special adjustments to the car before we hit the road," said Secret Service Agent Tom Rogers. "There's a steering wheel in the passenger seat for the agent who does the actual driving, but we did install a toy steering wheel in the driver's seat so Biden can pretend. We also had to remove all the USB ports, he's got this awful habit of trying to lick them. Don't ask me."

At publishing time, Secret Service had been forced to remove several classified documents from Biden's possession as he was attempting to feed them to the car as fuel.

Gold Coins

Suburban Chicago school employee accused of stealing $1.5 million in chicken wings

Vera Liddell
© Cook County Jail
A school district employee in suburban Chicago is accused of stealing $1.5 million worth of chicken wings.

Vera Liddell, 66, was arrested and booked into the Cook County Jail with a $150,000 bond. Liddell was charged with theft and operating a criminal enterprise, according to Cook County court records.

Liddell, a food service director, is accused of stealing more than 11,000 cases of chicken wings, said to be worth $1.5 million, over a period of 19 months.


Local hen surpasses Elon Musk in net worth

chicken net worth satire
Wooster, OH hen "Hen" in her executive suite
With egg prices soaring to historic highs, multi-billionaire Elon Musk has been dethroned as world's richest after local farmer Old Man Hopkins reported that his New Hampshire Red — who he had named "Hen" — had surpassed Musk in net worth.

"Bok bok," said the hen in response to the news of her newly-laid riches.

"Cluck, cluck, cluck," continued the hen to a horde of finance journalists who had swarmed Old Man Hopkins' farm in hopes of getting a sound bite from the world's wealthiest animal, which they, in fact, did. "Bok, bok, bu-GAWK!"

With that final "bu-gawk," the hen then laid another golden capsule of vast riches, thus earning the prosperous poultry a total net worth surpassing the GDP of Botswana, Uruguay, Mongolia, and Indonesia combined.

Old Man Hopkins admitted owning the affluent fowl was not easy, recounting that just this morning he had already turned away dozens of crypto entrepreneurs, big brands looking for endorsements, and Elizabeth Warren carrying a satchel for collecting taxes. He added that the hen now had a security detail 24/7.

"But I gotta say, wealth has its perks," said Hopkins as he hopped in his Bugatti tractor and began plowing the field for spring planting.

At publishing time, a visibly envious Elon Musk had reportedly begun repurposing all Tesla factories into massive chicken coops.

Cardboard Box

Hillary Clinton boasts of having no classified documents from her time as President

© Unknown
After revelations that former Presidents and Vice Presidents Joe Biden, Donald Trump, and even Mike Pence had violated federal law by keeping classified documents in their homes, Hillary Clinton took the opportunity to brag that she had kept no classified documents from her time serving as President of the United States.

"For years now, it's been 'emails, emails, emails,' - now while I may have mishandled classified emails from my time as Secretary Of State, nobody can impugn my record of properly storing and declassifying sensitive materials during my time as President!" The former First Lady and Secretary of State went on Jimmy Kimmel Live to share her achievement.

After the applause died down, Clinton motioned for Kimmel's sound tech team to pull up her Tweet where she had wished "Happy birthday to this future President" with a picture of herself.
"When I was running for President in 2016, I knew I would need to be unimpeachable in handling sensitive material - once I got into office, and more to the point, after my term ended, I was careful to declassify, acid-wash, destroy, and otherwise properly handle classified documents. Presidents have to be mindful of these things!"

Comment: See also:


U.S. tanks in Ukraine already destroyed after being easily recognized by their rainbow camouflage

Rainbow camouflage
© Babylon Bee
UKRAINE — Mere hours after deploying 31 brand new U.S. M1 Abrams tanks, sources are now reporting all 31 of them have been destroyed by the Russians. Experts are attributing this to the fact that each of the 31 tanks featured rainbow camouflage that was easily visible to the enemy Russians.

"These tanks are state of the art, boasting the latest and greatest in firepower, mobility, and of course LGBTQ-affirming camouflage," said Biden's Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin. "The fact the Russians would dare fire upon our rainbow-printed tanks shows how hateful, bigoted and on the wrong side of history these Russians truly are."

According to sources, it was a beautiful moment in Ukraine as the people cheered on the newly deployed Abrams tanks as they made their way down the streets of Kyiv. Unfortunately, this touching moment was cut short as the tanks rounded the street corner and were effortlessly, and easily targeted by Russian tanks in seconds.

Airplane Paper

Send Cash: Ukraine begs Canada not to donate Canadian military tanks

Canadian Cruiser Tank Mk.I Ram Mk.II with 6pdr gun at the Bovington Tank Museum, Dorset, March 1998
Photo Credit

KYIV - Ukrainian officials swiftly backtracked on requests for Canadian military aid after learning that Canada planned to send them tanks belonging to the Canadian Armed Forces.

Following repeated requests for additional military aid to help push back Russian offensives, Ukrainian officials are now begging Canada not to saddle them with the financial, logistical, and mechanical burdens of maintaining the barely-functioning tank fleet.

"When we made a request to the Canadian government for tanks, we definitely did not mean their tanks," said Ukrainian Military Chief General Valeriy Zaluzhnyi.

Comment: In other Canadian news, the following was from back in August involving a true western Ukrainian patriot:

Solidarity! Following the Chrystia Freeland video, we got reactions from every male party leader

In Heath Care news:

Premiers demand more healthcare funding to spend on f*ck you, that's what


Unemployment among talking candies hits record high under Biden administration

unemployed m&ms talking candy satire
© The Babylon Bee
The Biden administration is facing pressure from labor activists following a report by the Labor Department that record-high unemployment has hit the talking candies sector. Many are saying this is due to Mars, Inc. firing their M&M's spokescandies and hiring Maya Rudolph instead.

President Biden said in a statement, "The facts are clear, folks. Talking candies have hit a rough patch, but we expect them to rebound quickly. Lost jobs is a sign that our economy is moving in the right direction and that more jobs will materialize somehow."

"End of fabricated statement, walk off stage," he added.

Experts warn that unless Mars, Inc. changes course, once beloved M&M's will find themselves homeless.

"I am literally a giant M&M," said Red. "What else am I supposed to do? Unemployment doesn't last forever. Green is already out on the street turning tricks."

According to sources, Yellow passed away shortly after losing his job and attempting to eat himself. He was 30.