Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Jill Biden finally agrees to drop out of presidential race

jill biden president drop race satire
© The Babylon BeeJill signalled her capitulation by publishing a letter signed by Joe, telling him it's an order for ice cream to be delivered to the White House
Jill Biden has formally dropped out of the 2024 presidential race, she announced today at a press conference that was supposed to be for her husband.

"I cannot in good conscience continue," the acting president said as her husband wandered around somewhere backstage.

Journalists expressed shock and disappointment to learn that not only has Joe Biden been a decrepit old man for the last three years — he hasn't even been president.

"Well, this is news to me!" said CNN's Jake Tapper. "I could've sworn she was the first lady, and that Biden was a normal person just two weeks ago."

Jill Biden said she would not seek a second term because she was tired of everyone thinking her husband was the real president. "He's a skeleton in a skin suit that has been reanimated by dark magicks to nod and smile at people. Frankly, I'm insulted no one has caught on that I'm the actual president," she complained. "I'm tired of him getting all the glory!"

Neither Jill nor her husband took any questions.

At publishing time, Jill Biden had begun working on plans for her husband's presidential library — which she would make sure was all about her.

Comment: Bonus Bee!


'Literally Anybody Else' wants your vote!

Dustin Ebey name change running president
© THV11/YouTubeDustin Ebey legally changed his name to Literally Anybody Else to make a presidential run
A Texas man legally changed his name to Literally Anybody Else to apply for a particularly difficult-to-get job: President of the United States.

The 35-year-old military veteran and middle school math teacher, formerly known as Dustin Ebey, said he is running for president to protest the current major-party candidates -- President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump -- and show his distaste for a system that his website states "often prioritizes partisan battles over real solutions."


Revealed: Biden's nickname for each member of his administration

© The Babylon Bee
American presidents have been giving nicknames to members of their cabinet ever since George Washington first started calling John Adams "Johnny Boy." It's an endearing yet enduring presidential tradition.

We at the Babylon Bee have obtained Joe Biden's personal list of nicknames for his close advisors. Take a look and see how Biden really thinks about his inner circle.


Trump hit with indictment for inciting assassination attempt

Trump courtroom sketch
Former President has been indicted by a federal judge in Pennsylvania for inciting an assassination attempt that nearly killed him.

"Trump is clearly at fault for someone attempting to murder him with a rifle," said Judge Paul Stephenson. "He brought this on himself, and we will ensure justice is done."

According to sources, the motion to indict Trump was filed roughly thirty seconds after the failed assassination attempt. "It was obvious by that point that Trump had caused a man to fire several bullets at him," said District Attorney Jan Marsh. "If Trump were not literally Hitler, no one would have tried to kill him in the first place. It's time we in the legal system go after Hitler and not the people trying to murder Hitler."

At publishing time, Trump had been indicted again for Secret Service shooting the would-be assassin.


Song for our times: "Quiet Man" by Rusty Weld

Here's a song that describes how many have felt during the last few years. Will some "snap"? Probably...

Enjoy a song for our times - and share if you like!


Biden turns blue after aides forget to include 'remember to breathe' card in cue packet

biden turn blue breath  reminder card
© The Babylon Bee
Panic erupted today at a press conference when President Biden turned an alarming shade of blue after handlers accidentally left out the "remember to breathe" card from his instruction packet.

After quickly expelling all the air from his lungs in a rambling and incomprehensible sentence, The President was left with no air in his lungs as he stood frozen, flipping back and forth between his "blink" and "don't poop your pants" notecards, where the "remember to breathe" card should have been.

"It's really a pretty normal thing," said an anonymous White House staffer. "I'm pretty sure every president has cards telling him to breathe and what to do minute-by-minute for every event. There's really nothing to see here."

Luckily, aides snapped to action to shut down the press conference and whisk Biden away so Dr. Jill could tell him to breathe before he passed out. Upon investigation, the missing notecard was located on the coffee table in the Oval Office next to some lines of white powder. The White House said they are currently looking for a black staffer to fire for the mixup.

At publishing time, Joe Biden was reported to be in stable condition and had returned to his more recent shade of orange. Karine Jean-Pierre said the White House was overall very pleased with the press conference and noted that, at 19 seconds, it was one of the longest Biden had given in months.


Dems insulted: Veep chosen for her race and gender is NOT a 'DEI hire'

kamala harris satire
© The Babylon Bee"I am NOT a diversity hire!"
Democrats have responded in outrage as the Vice President chosen solely because of her race and gender has been labeled a "diversity hire."

"How dare they!" decried Democratic Senator Chris Murphy. "To say that a woman we publicly chose because of her race was chosen because of her race is an absolute disgrace."

After announcing in 2020 that Biden would choose a running mate based on race and gender, Democrats have been infuriated by pundits pointing out that Kamala Harris could become President because of her race and gender. "It is demeaning and bigoted," said Representative Tammy Baldwin. "Only a terrible racist would openly declare that you have to have the right skin color to get the job. And how misogynistic to straight up announce that a Vice President would be chosen because she's a woman! It's disgusting is what it is."

According to sources, the media have been befuddled by Democrats's anger over their repeating Democrat talking points. "They usually love it when we repeat their talking points," said MSNBC anchor Joe Scarborough. "It's literally what the Democratic Party said when they chose Kamala. I'm... sorry?"

At publishing time, the Democratic Party had again responded in outrage as polls showed that the woman who cackled at tragedies was "less likable than that Vice President who shot someone in the face."


White House installs interactive toy desk so Joe Biden feels like he's working while Jill runs the country

Biden toy desk jill biden oval office satire
© The Babylon Bee
In order to let President Biden feel like he is still working, the White House has installed a "Touch-And-Learn" activity desk for Biden to play at while First Lady Jill Biden runs the country.

"He just loves feeling like he's still a part of things," said Chief of Staff Ron Klain, watching the President spin a wheel. "Ope! Ring-ring, Mr. President! I think someone's calling on your little yellow phone!"

According to sources, Biden had become progressively more agitated as family members took over more of his previous roles. "Old people want to know they still have something to give, something to contribute," said aide Reyna Hensley. "Aw, look at the big boy doing his letters over there. Way to go, Mr. President! You're such a big help!"

White House aides report Biden has been much happier since the installation of the "Touch-And-Learn," with fewer temper tantrums. "He's screaming a lot less these days. It's really helped to keep his mind occupied, punching numbers on the little calculator," said Ms. Biden. "We were still letting him play with the actual Oval Office phones, but he started chewing on the cords. Plus, he called President Xi one day and asked if he would bring him a Lunchable. It was time."

At publishing time, the White House had bought a red and yellow "Cozy Coupe" so Biden could pretend he was still able to get around the White House by himself.


Biden solves Dem fundraising woes: Will become new mascot for Sleepytime tea

biden mascot sleepytime tea
© The Babylon Bee
With support from voters and donors dwindling in the wake of his highly publicized poor debate performance, President Joe Biden announced he had solved his campaign's fundraising woes by becoming the new mascot for Sleepytime Tea.

Biden, who hoped the new endorsement deal would help shore up lagging donation numbers as the presidential campaign enters the home stretch, said his partnership with the tea brand was a natural fit.

"I was born for this job," Biden said when announcing the deal. "While people give me a hard time about falling asleep during meetings with... meetings with state... state heads... with head states... heads of... those folks in the meetings, my ability to fall asleep in my chair makes me the perfect mascot for... for... mascot for... Medicare... I'm sorry... Sleepytime Tea."

Campaign insiders saw the new advertising deal as a shot in the arm for Biden's staggering re-election effort. "This could be exactly what we needed," said manager Jen O'Malley Dillon. "After he had a rough night at the debate last week, we didn't know if there was anything we could do to bring our fundraising back up. Thankfully, the people at Sleepytime Tea called us at just the right time. And by 'just the right time' I mean while Joe was napping. The fact that he was asleep when they called really helped seal the deal."

At publishing time, new packaging of Sleepytime Tea featuring Biden's likeness was expected to hit store shelves by next week, giving campaign staffers plenty of time to stock up and sedate themselves on election night.


Democrat leaders convince Biden he's already stepped down

Pelosi joe biden satire
© The Babylon BeePelosi puts the con on the conman
In a clever move to encourage an embattled Biden to relinquish his position, Democrat leaders convinced the President he had already stepped down yesterday.

"There's no shame in bowing out while you're so ahead," Nancy Pelosi told Joe Biden. "You're at the top of your game, Joe. It's great that you agreed to step down and hand over the reins to someone a little more...alive. Thank you for making that decision all on your own...because you did. Remember?"

Democrats spent the better part of Sunday convincing the President that stepping down was his idea and reminding him he said he'd bow out of the election and hand over power to either Gretchen Whitmer, Gavin Newsom, Michelle Obama, The Monopoly Man, or three members of Hamas stacked on top of each other wearing a trenchcoat but definitely NOT Kamala Harris.

"Yes, I do remember saying all that. That does sound like me," Biden commented to a nearby houseplant. "What are you gonna do about it, little plant boy? Whahtiergohrrrghhh. Biden out."

As of publishing time, Jill Biden could be seen supergluing her husband to the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office and screaming at aides to barricade the doors.