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Tue, 25 Feb 2020
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Hammer

US Intelligence sources reveal that ALL presidential candidates are Russian agents...except Pete Buttigieg

Today's Caitlin Johnstone essay has been replaced by this breaking report by the National News Conglomerate. NNC: Obey.

Pete Buttigieg
Following shocking reports from The New York Times and The Washington Post that Moscow is simultaneously working to both re-elect Donald Trump and ensure the nomination of Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders in the Democratic presidential primary race, NNC has obtained further information confirming that nearly all candidates currently running for president are in fact covert agents of the Russian government.

According to sources familiar with the matter, the lone candidate not literally conducting espionage on behalf of the Russian government is Pete Buttigieg, the former mayor of South Bend, Indiana.

"Intelligence has revealed that Mr. Buttigieg is at this time the only candidate who we can count on not to place our nation's interests square in the hands of Vladimir Putin," an anonymous source in the Central Intelligence Agency told NNC on Saturday.

"In fact Mr. Buttigieg is the only candidate running with the skill, the experience and the multilingual relatability needed to bridge our nation's deep divisions and bring Americans together in this time of uncontrolled hostility," the CIA source continued.

Smiley

Trump retweets epic Bollywood movie edit of his upcoming trip to India

Trump bollywood meme
© Twitter / Solmemes1
Ahead of his much-anticipated trip to India, US President Donald Trump surprised his Twitter followers with an epic video edit of himself riding a horse and battling hordes of enemies to Bollywood tunes.

Sharing a video which was apparently created by one of his hardcore fans, the president said he looks "so forward to being with my great friends in INDIA!"

Comment:




Phoenix

Mysterious 'PUTIN' group unleashes flock of MAGA-hatted pigeons in Las Vegas to protest Dem debate

Pigeons
© ‘Pigeons United to Interfere Now’ (PUTIN)
A flock of pigeons wearing tiny red baseball caps - and one wearing a Trump wig - have been released by a self-styled "underground radical group" in Las Vegas to protest the Democratic debate and support Trump.

The birds were unleashed on Tuesday evening in downtown Las Vegas to protest "the arrival of the 2020 Democratic debate" the following day, the group, which calls itself Pigeons United to Interfere Now (PUTIN, what else?), said in a statement to local media. The stunt also served "as a gesture of support and loyalty to President Trump," who is holding a rally in Las Vegas on Thursday. The group claims they were inspired by the CIA's Operation Tarcana, in which the agency attached cameras to pigeons and send them to spy on the Soviet Union in the 1970s.


In addition to the "aerial protest piece," footage of the bird release was sent to local media to accompany the statement. The ominous video shows the birds in a coop bedecked with American flags and is overlaid with audio from the Alfred Hitchcock horror film "The Birds," in which birds turn on humans and start attacking them. No bird attacks have been reported in the vicinity of the release...yet.

Toys

Man stumbles upon baby bears 'dancing' in forest, thinks he's imagining things

dancing bears
© Valtteri Mulkahainen
"The cubs behaved like little children."

Valtteri Mulkahainen, a teacher and keen photographer from Sotkamo, Finland, likes spending his free time taking photographs and has been exploring and capturing the beauty of Finland's countryside and wildlife.

In June 2013, while exploring the Finnish taiga near the town of Martinselkonen, Valtteri was in a shelter about 50m (164ft) away from a clearing in the forest when he noticed a bear and three small cubs coming into the clearing, a moment that turned into an unique and magical experience for the photographer.

"The cubs behaved like little children," he said.
"They were playing, and even started a few friendly fights. I felt like I was on a playground in front of my house, where small children frolic around. That's how much they reminded me of little children. At one point, the three of them got up on their hind legs and started pushing each other. It was like they were dancing in a circle."
From Valtteri's sheltered vantage point the bears were unaware of his presence and he had a perfect view of the cubs' playful antics and said: "I photographed the cubs with the bear all evening and all night."

Quenelle - Golden

Florida man upset because dialysis center won't allow life-sized Trump cutout as emotional support

florida trump cutout dialysis

Nelson Gibson with his emotional support item
A Florida man undergoing kidney dialysis three times a week is upset that he is not allowed to bring a life-sized cardboard cutout of Donald Trump to sessions, for emotional support.

Nelson Gibson told a local television station, WPBF, his family cannot sit with him during his three-and-a-half-hour treatments. In their absence, he began bringing a picture of Trump as a comfort item.

"It just feels like bringing something from home to make you comfortable," Gibson told the West Palm Beach area TV outlet.

Gibson said no one complained.

Next, he started bringing a small cardboard cutout of himself standing next to a photo of Trump.

No one complained, he said, adding that some people even took photos with it.


Smiley

CNN offers Jussie Smollett job after showcasing ability to fabricate news story out of thin air

smollet cnn
© The Babylon Bee
While Empire actor Jussie Smollett has been having a tough week so far, there appears to be a silver lining: cable news channel CNN has offered Smollett a job as an investigative reporter and on-air anchor after witnessing his skills at fabricating a story entirely out of thin air.

CNN producers were reportedly impressed throughout the ongoing saga of Smollett's apparent hoax attack on himself. They realized early on the facts didn't add up but were fascinated with how well the actor kept the narrative going. An HR rep quickly reached out to Smollett to see if he'd be interested in taking on a position at the news organization after news broke that the entire thing was probably fabricated.

"Smollett has exactly the kind of skills we look for at our fine organization," said CNN correspondent Brian Stelter. "He picked a narrative, made up all the relevant facts and details, and stuck with his story in spite of glaring holes in the plot. It's hard to find people who understand our core values here at CNN, but Smollett seems to be just the guy for us."

The actor has accepted the offer and is now undergoing training to learn how to weave even more intricate narratives ex nihilo, according to insiders.

Light Sabers

Trump's power doubles after absorbing impeachment attack

Trump
"It's over, Pelosi! You've lost!" shouted a cackling Trump as he and the Speaker of the House hovered above the White House, locked in mortal combat. "You have no cards left to play!"

Pelosi, ragged and weary from battling her archnemesis for three years, managed a weak smile.

"Oh, I think I might have one card up my sleeve," she growled through clenched dentures. "Progressives, assemble!" Down on the ground, something incredible happened: brave Resistance warriors from all over began to assemble and scream at the sky, their powers adding to her own. Pelosi's eyes began to glow blue as she was filled with all the power of every outraged progressive across the land.

Comment: See also: What Trump is really about


Smiley

Wild weather has thousands of Brits set to either lose or gain a trampoline

trampoline railroad tracks windstorm
© Network Rail
You may find yourself with one more or one fewer trampolines today, according to the met office.

With winds gusting up to 60mph, the bouncy background apparatus - which is basically a giant sail if you think about it- is primed and ready for take-off.

"The kids are crying," confirmed Simon Williams, a Kettering resident and former trampoline owner.

"I looked out the window and the trampoline was gone. It's probably halfway to Newcastle by now.

Comment: Here Nature is adjusting the distribution of trampolines in Dallas:




USA

Iconic Statue of Liberty last seen walking back to France

Lady Liberty Walking Back!
© Waterford Whispers News
Eye witnesses in New York described unbelievable scenes earlier today as the sound of creaking copper and crumbling concrete preceded the sight of the iconic Statue of Liberty disembarking its pedestal eastwards for its native France.

Tossing its iconic torch over its shadow and muttering loudly in French while looking angry and fed up, the statue was last heard saying "merde, mon dieu, va te faire foutre" before disappearing over the horizon out on the Atlanic ocean.

Shocked and confused Americans have now been left to speculate over what exactly could have prompted the statue, which famously symbolised America's history of a welcoming place for immigrants, to just up and leave.

Smiley

Airport employees don bear costume to scare loitering langur monkeys away from runways in India

Langur monkeys
© Agence France-Presse/Sam Panthaky
Langur monkeys
An Indian airport has devised a highly creative - and reportedly effective - method to keep vexatious langurs off their runway: have an employee dress up as a bear and scare them off.

An extremely busy international airport in India's western Ahmedabad city deployed the unorthodox tactic after struggling to prevent langurs from swarming the grounds of the air hub - and creating a potential safety hazard for passengers. The idea was reportedly hatched after the airport's management learned that langurs are terrified of bears. The airport already has a team dedicated to chasing off birds and wildlife, so using a bear costume to increase results was perhaps a logical - and more fun - decision.