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Wed, 18 Sep 2019
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Nigerian prince revealed to be the source by New York Times for Kavanaugh allegations

Nigerian Prince
© Babylon Bee
New York, NY — Many people criticized the New York Times' recent piece bringing to light new and recycled Brett Kavanaugh allegations, especially after the website issued a disclaimer admitting basically nobody remembered the alleged incident.

But the Times is standing by its story, going so far as to reveal its source: a reputable Nigerian prince who emailed the investigative reporters offering information in exchange for funds to be wired via MoneyGram.

"The Nigerian prince contacted us and said he had dirt on Kavanaugh, and who were we to question his story?" said Kate Kelly, one of the reporters who worked on the piece and new book on Kavanaugh. "Who do we look like, Dick Tracy? If Nigerian royalty contacts you asking for a million dollars and promises you information on Kavanaugh, you have to act on that kind of lead."

Gold Bar

Sitting on a gold mine? Thieves steal £1mn toilet from UK palace

gold toilet
© Leon Neal / Getty Images
'America', the fully-working solid gold toilet stolen from Blenheim Palace in Woodstock, England.
A £1 million golden toilet has been stolen from the birthplace of Winston Churchill. The dirty crime involved thieves ripping the 18-carat gold commode from its plumbing, causing flooding at the Oxfordshire palace.

Thames Valley Police arrested a 66-year-old man in connection with the theft after they received a report of a burglary at Blenheim Palace early Saturday morning.

Thieves broke into the historical site and stole a "high value toilet made out of gold that was on display at the palace," Detective Inspector Jess Milne said.

NPC

No joke: London aquarium helps gay penguins get woke... they now have genderless chick

Long-tailed Gentoo Penguins of indeterminate gender at a zoo in Krasnoyarsk, Russia
© Reuters / Ilya Naymushin
FILE PHOTO: Long-tailed Gentoo Penguins of indeterminate gender at a zoo in Krasnoyarsk, Russia
A London aquarium has positioned itself at the tip of the woke spear, and will have a lesbian penguin couple adopt and raise a "genderless" chick. Why, you ask? To discover its "personality" without "pre-conceived gender roles."

The four-month-old Gentoo penguin chick will be "the world's first penguin to not have its gender assigned," Sea Life London said, adding that "it is completely natural for penguins to develop genderless identities."


Fire

The Raging Dumpster Fires of America ask people to stop comparing them to politicians

dumpster fire micorphones press confeence

Spokeperson for the Raging Dumpster Fires of America
The raging dumpster fires of the nation held a press conference Monday at which they politely asked people to stop comparing them to American politics.

"We are being unfairly maligned here," said one garbage dumpster with huge flames bursting from its lid. "We dumpsters don't try to mess with your lives or anything."

The dumpster fires then produced a chart showing that while politicians have lots of bad qualities, dumpster fires possess none of these dangerous and deadly characteristics:

Bullseye

Jonathan Pie: The Tory Purge!

Dominic Cummings cartoon brexit tory purge
Boris and Mogg used to be a joke. They now run the country and it's not funny anymore. Intrepid UK News reporter Jonathan Pie investigates.

Warning: contains strong language


Light Saber

Biden says he was at Mount Doom 3,000 years ago when Isildur took the Ring and the strength of men failed

Joe Biden at Mount Doom

"I was there 3,000 years ago... when Isildur took the Ring. I was there the day the strength of men failed."
At a New Hampshire campaign stop, presidential candidate Joe Biden claimed he was at Mount Doom 3,000 years ago when Isildur decided to take the Ring instead of destroying it.

"I was there," he said, his voice trailing off as some long-forgotten memory flashed before his eyes. "I was there 3,000 years ago... when Isildur took the Ring. I was there the day the strength of men failed." Biden said that "the time of white men is over" and that "the time for us to listen to minority voices instead has come," though he was quick to clarify that he should still be the one to wield the Ring of Power.

Biden seemed not to have a very strong recollection of the events, however, claiming that Harry Potter then flew in on a broom and took the ring in order to drop it in an exhaust port on the Death Star to stop the Borg.

Comment: Gaffes? Biden has bigger problems


Mr. Potato

Epic trolling: 'Error' page on Trump's website shows Hillary Clinton as President

screen shot trump website
© Screenshot/https://www.donaldjtrump.com/error
President Donald Trump's campaign is trolling vanquished Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton with an 'error' page that shows Clinton holding a microphone behind the presidential seal.

The website's 'error' page gloats over the results of the 2016 election, where Trump defeated Clinton with 306 electoral college votes.

"Oops!," the page says. "This is awkward. You're looking for something that doesn't exist..."

Doberman

In the doghouse: Canine car crash culprit caught behind the wheel

Dog in car
A dog's ruff ride has gone viral after he crashed his owner's car into a wall after being left unattended inside the vehicle, and was pictured behind the wheel at the scene of the crime.

Duke the dog was left alone in his owner's Mercedes in Aptos, San Francisco, and managed to get his leash stuck on the gear shift. As the canine moved around in the front of the vehicle, the leash pulled the car into neutral, sending it rolling backwards down the street, where it came to a stop after smashing into a retaining wall, taking out a mailbox and some trash cans on its way.

Chart Pie

Ocasio-Cortez proposes counting white people's ballots as three-fifths of a vote

aoc ocasio-cortez
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez came out hard against the Electoral College, slamming the institution as a racist scam that makes white people's votes count for "like, a lot more" than other people's votes.

But she then thought of a good solution: "What if we count all white people as three-fifths of a person instead of a full person? Then, good votes would count more than bad, racist votes. Like, four or five times more or something, because 3/5ths is only like 10% of a real vote."

She then paused as she counted on her fingers and double-checked her math on her toes. "Yeah, it adds up. Case closed. This makes the program contain 247% fewer racisms."

It was pointed out to her that this was racist, but she said that when you fight racism with other racism, it makes less racism. "1 bad racism plus 1 good racism equals zero racisms," she said confidently.

At publishing time, Ocasio-Cortez had slammed the Electoral College as sexist after learning it doesn't even have a gender studies program.

Mr. Potato

Strip down, saddle up: Naked bikers hit Philadelphia streets

Naked bike riders
Hundreds of bicyclists have been caught with their pants down — and their shirts and underwear off, too.

The cyclists gathered in a Philadelphia park on Saturday to disrobe before saddling up and setting off on the annual Philly Naked Bike Ride.

About 3,000 riders pedal a 10-mile (16-kilometer) course around the City of Brotherly Love while taking in sights including Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell, organizers say. Some riders wear their birthday suits while others flaunt their underwear or sport just a splash of body paint and glitter.

Melanie and James O'Connor, who painted each other's nude body in multiple colors, were riding for the seventh time.