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Wed, 19 Jan 2022
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Smiley

New York restaurant adds voting booth so they can allow people in without ID

new york restaurant voting booth identification
© The Babylon Bee
In an effort to circumvent the city's vaccine passport regulations, a midtown eatery has installed a voting booth and designated itself as a polling place so it can allow in anyone without any ID at all.

Mikey's Eats did a brisk business on the day, as the front of the restaurant was crowded by protestors for/against vaccines, for/against vaccine mandates, and for/against vote fraud. The protestors frequently lost track of who they wanted to yell at, changed sides, and dejectedly walked into the restaurant to console themselves with the chef's special avocado burger.

A lawyer for the ACLU was also present. He spent the day alternating between threatening the restaurant with lawsuits, congratulating them for their commitment to democracy, and openly weeping.

Owner Mikey DeCarlo said, "A guy from [Mayor] de Blasio's office came by and said he was going to shut us down, except for the voting booth part which he said he would defend to the death. Then he asked if he could get an avocado burger in the voting booth. He was crying a lot."

Smiley

Presidential address lasts hours as Biden keeps trying to say 'Omicron' correctly

Biden christmas address confused
The presidential address to the nation was intended to be a brief message of hope and resilience for Americans facing a possible COVID-19 surge, but ended up lasting hours as President Biden kept trying to pronounce "Omicron" correctly.

"I'll tell you what, America's unvaccinated lower class are in for a real whuppin' with the surge of this new variant they call Omnomicromicon...Omnicormorant, Obercrombie, Omnibus, Comic-Con," said the leader of the free world, squinting into the teleprompter, "Oblong Prawn, Amish Pawn, Auger Spawn..."

An hour into Biden's attempt to say a simple, three-syllable word, some members of the White House press corps could be heard snoring, and the video feed began tilting upward toward the ceiling as the camera operator dozed off.

Hope returned to the press room after three hours, though, as many thought Biden had correctly enunciated the name of the mild variant, but staffers clarified that he had actually said, "Balmy Cob," followed by, "Otter Crop, Mommy Clod, Clammy Lawn, Only Fawns, Olmec's Crop Top..."

Sources expect Biden's address to be completed by the time the next variant is announced.

Smiley

Hillary Clinton reportedly considering losing again

Hillary Clinton
© Reuters / Mario Anzuoni
Failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton
The beltway was buzzing this week as rumors spread that Hillary Clinton was seriously considering another humiliating loss in the 2024 presidential election.

As a former First Lady, Senator, Secretary of State, and person who absolutely had nothing to do with the death of Vince Foster, Mrs. Clinton is still considered one of the leading lights among top Democrats, with approval ratings above even the sitting senile President and embarrassingly unqualified Vice President whom everybody hates.

ITT Tech Political Science Professor Glenn Measure commented, "Again and again, public opinion polls show that vast majorities of people would choose Hillary Clinton as the person they would most want to see the Presidency dangled in front of, only to have it yanked away in the most painful and humiliating way possible."

Additional speculation included who Mrs. Clinton would lose to. Some of the most-discussed possibilities included Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, Elon Musk, Elon Musk's robot vacuum cleaner, and several varieties of rocks common to the Washington DC area. Said Professor Measure, "Hillary's name will continue to be mentioned because she carries an aura of inevitability. Crushing, devastating, hilarious inevitability.

Vader

Bezos orders workers to dig through tornado rubble to keep filling orders

amazon warehouse tornado
After a devastating tornado ripped through an Amazon warehouse, tragically killing several workers, Bezos ordered the workers to get back to work and dig through all the rubble until every order has been filled.

"The time for mourning is past!" yelled Bezos from his helicopter as the injured and deceased were being pulled from the wreckage. "At Amazon, we pride ourselves in our great customer service! Now get back in there and start building orders! What are you waiting for, you lazy minions? BWAAA HAHAHAHAHA!"

Workers have been reminded that any injuries sustained by digging through the twisted metal of the collapsed building will not be covered by company insurance and that all bathroom breaks will be subtracted from their pay. Any delivery drivers who deliver late due to the catastrophic tornado will be fired immediately.

"If you all had worked a little faster and gotten the orders out before the tornado hit, maybe we wouldn't be in this predicament," said Bezos from a deck chair on his superyacht.

Amazon workers responded by trying to form a union to win the right to not work in the middle of a devastating tornado, but Bezos quickly fired them all.

Smiley

Rudolph changes name to Rolanda, dominates Female Reindeer Games

rudolph reindeer transgender satire
© The Babylon Bee
Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer received praise for taking a stunning and brave stance against outdated binary gender stagnation by changing his name to Rolanda and subsequently dominating every field in the North Pole's annual Female Reindeer Games.

"Rolanda is a shining beacon for young, female reindeer in more ways than one," stated the president of the North Pole Reindeer Games Committee, Bob Chairman. "She has shattered records in every event she has entered, which says so much about the physical potential of all female reindeer."

Rolanda The Red-Nosed Reindeer did indeed break records in all events of the Female Reindeer Games, including the Sleigh Pull, Flying, Landing, Oat Bag Toss, Gingerbread House Trampling, and the Giant Slalom.

She struggled with the final event, Female Reindeer Feminine Ice Dancing, performing far worse than all other female competitors. The judges still awarded her the gold medal for being so stunning and brave.

Smiley

Hillary Clinton set to teach MasterClass on losing elections

hilary clinton masterclass losing elections
© The Babylon Bee
Meet your instructor! MasterClass has announced its latest expert tutor, Hillary Clinton, who will teach a series of lectures about how to lose presidential elections.

"We are honored to welcome Hillary Clinton to our world-class lineup of instructors," said CEO David Rogier. "She is one of the world's foremost in losing so thoroughly and embarrassingly, having lost her presidential races every time she's tried. And now, you will learn how to lose your presidential runs every bit as catastrophically as she did!"

MasterClass has several more Hillary Clinton classes in the works, including:
  • How To Collude With The Russians
  • How To Murder Your Enemies
  • How To Protect Powerful Sex Predators In Service Of Your Political Ambitions
  • How To Chug An Entire Bottle Of Wine In 10 Seconds
Rogier hopes this will empower a new generation of young progressives to ruthlessly pursue power at all costs.

In related news, Donald Trump has announced the release of his very own MasterClass, entitled "How to Never Do Anything Wrong, Ever."

Magic Wand

Camels enhanced with Botox barred from Saudi beauty contest

camel festival
© Fayez Nureldine/AFP/Getty Images
Camels line up at the 2020 annual King Abdulaziz camel festival in Saudi Arabia.
Dozens of animals disqualified after owners manipulate their looks with hormones, fillers and facelifts.

Saudi authorities have carried out their biggest crackdown on camel beauty contestants, disqualifying more than 40 "enhanced" camels from the annual pageant, according to the state-run Saudi Press Agency.

The camels disqualified in the competition, at the King Abdulaziz camel festival, were judged to have received Botox injections and other artificial touch-ups.

Comment: Those poor camels!


Arrow Down

To save time, Ghislaine just told to list the Hollywood celebs and politicians who didn't visit Epstein Island

Ghislaine Maxwell
© Babylon Bee
NEW YORK, NY — The trial of Ghislaine Maxwell is underway but began to get bogged as Maxwell listed the names of people who had flown on Lolita Express and visited Epstein Island. Now, in order to save time, she will just list the names of Hollywood celebs and politicians who didn't.

"Um, there are only, like 3 or 4 who didn't," said Maxwell, looking at the ceiling. "Let's see, there's, uh... Mel Gibson and Kirk Cameron... oh yeah, Keanu Reeves. Ron Paul. There were a few others, but that's most of the big ones, I think."

Smiley

Updated death certificates require choosing between COVID, climate change, or systemic racism as cause of death

covid climate change systemic racism satire death certificate
© The Babylon Bee
The Biden administration is providing new guidance to coroners and medical examiners across the country for determining causes of death. From now on, doctors and officials who sign death certificates will be required to choose between COVID, climate change, or systemic racism to describe how the person died.

"Listen, folks, this is much easier," said Biden in a statement to the garbage disposal in his kitchen sink. "It's multiple choice! We know these three things are really the only evil forces at work that could be responsible for killing someone. It ain't that complicated, Jack!"

Biden then immediately tripped and fell down the stairs, almost dying of climate change.

Several lawmakers such as AOC have expressed support for the federal changes. "We are, like, really glad the President is making sure we get to the real root causes of all the death in the world," she said. "This stuff is real. I actually almost died of systemic racism just last week!"

According to sources, some are working to add "homophobia" and "Trump" as possible causes of death as well.

Mr. Potato

'Pfizer+' Monthly Booster Subscription Program Announced

Pfizer+ parody
Following the popular trend of providing consumers constant access to products or services they think they need, Pfizer has announced a subscription service that will provide monthly COVID-19 vaccines to all members, called Pfizer+.

Pfizer+ offers the following additional benefits:
  • Monthly vaccine booster
  • Access to some of Pfizer's other popular drugs
  • Gold badge for social media virtue signals
  • Video library of the mainstream media shaming unvaccinated individuals