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Wed, 29 Jan 2020
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Babylon Bee purchases competing satire site CNN in major deal!

babylon bee cnn
The Babylon Bee has been the world's best satire site for thousands of years, spawning dozens of secular knock-offs that just aren't quite as good.

The site announced a new acquisition this week, one that immediately made the site the largest satirical site on the planet: a purchase of competing satire site CNN for $12 billion. The move more than quadrupled the site's catalog of hilarious, satirical articles.

"We've long admired CNN's ability to parody leftist media organizations so effortlessly, and we're thrilled to have them under The Babylon Bee's umbrella," said site CEO Seth Dillon. "When you can't compete with hilarious satire like CNN, you obviously look for ways to get them on your team, and an acquisition seemed to make the most sense."

The new conglomerate organization will be called BNN. CNN writers and hosts will be instructed to simply keep doing what they're doing.

"We don't want them to change anything since you don't try to fix satirical content that's already incredible," Dillon said. "They'll just keep churning out incredibly skewed content in order to satirize the leftist media's inability to report anything without bias or prejudice."

Passport

Twitter trolls UK Examiner over publishing fake new blue passport with Monty Python quote

monty python britain UK passport
© express.co.uk
Screenshot of Daily Express blue passport with Monty Python inscription around UK coat of arms.
The Daily Express newspaper has been mercilessly trolled online after publishing a fake blue British passport that includes the quote: "Your mother was a hamster" from the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

The Brexit-backing paper posted a story on Wednesday with the headline: 'Britons will fly to 2020 summer holiday destinations on classic BLUE passport.' It pictured the outgoing burgundy passport which includes the "European Union" title alongside the new iconic blue passport with the hilarious Monty Python quote.

Rocket

US Space Force logo may look like a Star Trek rip-off, or is it a Russian rip-off?

United states space force
© AFP / Getty Images North America / Gustavo Caballero
Reuters / White House handout
With the launch of a new logo for the US Space Force, cadets might think they've signed up to serve the Federation of Planets of Star Trek lore, but internet sleuths have uncovered another hidden connection - to Moscow, of course.

President Donald Trump rolled out the fresh logo in a tweet on Friday, immediately triggering comparisons to the iconic sci-fi series and its fictional space force, Starfleet. The similarities were hard to miss.


"Sure the Space Force and Star Trek have the same logo but everyone knows Star Trek has all sorts of time travel going on," one user said, providing some plausible deniability. "Obviously they went back in time and stole it. That's why Trump is suing Captain Kirk."

Comment: See also:


Eye 1

Satirical 'historic landmark' plaque for Alan Dershowitz added to Epstein's former UES mansion

plaque epstein mansion
Controversial attorney Alan Dershowitz was back in the news last week when it was announced that he was joining Trump's legal team for his impeachment trial. Dershowitz, who previously defended O.J. Simpson, has had his career "marred by his association" with convicted pedophile Jeffrey Epstein; Dershowitz has also been accused of sexually assaulting one of Epstein's victims when she was a teenager. Dershowitz denies the allegation and has countersued his accuser, calling her claims "lies, disparagement, defamation, harassment."

Now, a new guerrilla plaque at Epstein's former Upper East Side mansion has been put up to commemorate a massage that Dershowitz does not deny receiving at the location.

The unofficial plaque, which was put up last week at 9 East 71st Street, specifically references Dershowitz's comments last year when it was revealed that he had received a massage at Epstein's mansion. "I kept my underwear on during the massage," he said. "I don't like massages particularly."


Smiley

Billionaires unveil statue of beloved friend Jeffrey Epstein at Davos

Epstein
© Waterford Whispers News
After spending much of the week pretending to give a shit about what Greta Thunberg had to say about the environment, emotional billionaires in attendance at Davos turned their focus to honouring friend, fixer and epic orgy organiser Jeffrey Epstein as the annual knees up drew to a close.

"Now that the laughable charade of the annual 'invite someone to give out to us' is over, we feel it's only right to focus on remembering those no longer able to procure what we need and desire at short notice, no matter how illegal," confirmed one attendee at the annual bank balance measuring contest.

While admitting no statue, no matter how large and grand, could do justice to the scale of things Epstein allowed rich people to indulge in and get away with, the sombre ceremony went some way to honouring their dearly departed friends' lasting legacy.

Smiley

Impeachment proceedings has Congress facing grueling 30-hour weeks

Schiff
© Reuters/Yara Nardi
Schiffting the blame...
Congress has warned the nation that if this impeachment trial continues for a while, they may have to work 30 hours a week.

"If this keeps up, we're really gonna have to burn the midnight oil and put in 25 or even 30 hours," whined Rep. Adam Schiff. "That leaves me hardly any time for taking bribes from lobbyists!"

"Let's wrap this puppy up," said Senator Mitch McConnell, checking his watch. "I can get 350 judges confirmed an hour, so at our usual workweek of 15 hours, that's like a trillion judges a week. Every minute we spend on this impeachment trial is a minute I'm not making the courts great again."

"Plus, I'm missing Columbo."

Senator Bernie Sanders grumbled that he won't have time to maintain all three of his houses. "Who's supposed to polish the gold toilets? Well, I guess I have my butler for that. But then I can't shout at him for doing a bad job!"

Sanders then shook his fist at the proceedings and curled up into his usual afternoon nap.

USA

American people may tamper with next election warns Schiff

Adam Schifty
© Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C. — In his opening statement at Trump's impeachment trial, Rep. Adam Schiff reminded the Senate of their solemn duty and the gravity of just what it is they will be discussing at the trial.

Schiff warned that if Trump is not impeached, the American people may have a chance to tamper with the next election.

"If President Trump is not impeached, the American people might get a say in who is president," Schiff said gravely. "We simply can't allow that to happen. We must diligently defend our electoral process against electoral outcomes we do not like. If that means seizing power through a sham impeachment trial, so be it."

Smiley

The elephant in the room!

Elephant in the Room
© Netskope
Visitors to a Sri Lankan hotel had to contend with an unexpected guest when a wild elephant took a stroll through the lobby.

The video, which was shared on Twitter, shows the animal moving almost silently through what appears to be the lobby, gently investigating items with its trunk.

The curious elephant nudges over a desk lamp at one point, before casually wandering on.


Comments on the video poured in, with one wit saying: "Now let's talk about the elephant in the room."

Mr. Potato

Obese ISIS leader dubbed 'Jabba the Hutt' captured and hauled off in a TRUCK by Iraqi police

Shifa al-Nima captured Iraq

After establishing the terrorist was too big to go in a police car, security forces loaded him onto the back of a truck
The terrorist, who could not be transported in a police car, was pictured wedged against a mounted machine gun in the open back of a vehicle last night.

It is unclear how the man, reported to weigh at least 300lbs, was removed from his hiding place.

Iraqi police said the 'mufti' is considered one of ISIS's foremost leaders.

al-Nima, who is also known as Abu Abdul-Bari, has been accused of ordering the destruction of the tomb of the Prophet Yunus, or Jonah, in Mosul, which was carried out in 2014.

The ancient shrine was thought to be the final resting place of the prophet by both Christians and Muslims.

Comment: And the Twitterati 'weighs in':








Info

Best actor in 'Role as a crippled old Pervert' category goes to Harvey Weinstein

Weinstein
© Waterford Whispers
American film producer and now actor Harvey Weinstein joins Jonathan Pryce, Antonio Banderas, Leonardo DiCaprio, Adam Driver and Joaquin Phoenix as a Best Actor Oscar nominee for his role as a crippled old pervert, WWN can confirm.

Tipped to win the Oscar for best actor for his ongoing performance at a New York court, Weinstein plays the role of a filthy power hungry scumbag pretending to be an innocent frail old man. His performance sees him shuffling into his own trial, where is accused of rape, criminal sex act, sex abuse and sexual misconduct, on a zimmer frame in a bid to garner sympathy from the public.

"It's very hard to act like you're acting bad, but Weinstein nails it," one film critic tweeted, "his ability to incite nothing but pure hatred for his character is second to none, and even makes Joaquin Phoenix's Joker look like a four-year-old playing Pontius Pilate in a school play".