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Tue, 25 Oct 2016
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Mysterious 'dark matter' finally identified - It's coffee!

© Wikimedia Commons
The mysterious 'dark matter' which is believed to hold the universe together has been positively identified as coffee, astrophysicists have confirmed.

Standard models of physics have long since shown that the amount of visible matter is insufficient to prevent the universe completely losing its shit and flying apart, meaning that some extra component is needed to keep it all together. The breakthrough shows that the long-postulated 'strong, dark, fluid' force is probably an Ethiopian blend, with hints of Kenyan and Brazilian notes as well.

"The coffee can't be very milky as then it would be light enough to show up against background radiation, and there needs to be quite a lot of it as well; probably an entire cafetiere for every astronomical unit. It all makes sense", we were told by a spokesman for CERN in Geneva.

"I'm confident to a high degree of significance when I say that none of this would be here without coffee.

"I know that I certainly wouldn't be, and I'm pretty sure that none of you would be either."

Evidence suggests that the coffee must have existed since the beginning of time when some sort of galactic alarm clock went off. The ringing of this clock is known as the 'Big Bong' theory. The theory is already controversial, with some respected scientists insisting that the dark matter which binds reality together is actually HP Sauce.

"It's obvious when you consider the evidence," said Physicist Simon Williams whilst brandishing a bottle.

"If you look it even says 'melange' on the HP label.

"The sauce must flow," he added.


U.S. blames Northern Lights on Russian light saber rattling, imposes sanctions

The U.S. State Department has accused Russia of hacking into the ionosphere and generating excessive and annoying levels of Northern Lights. The ongoing display of light saber rattling, apparently a misguided attempt to "show off" the technological prowess of their teams of warmongering physicists, extends its "tentacles of terror" deep into the sovereign territory of the U.S. and its European allies. This has resulted in widespread panic in U.S. cities like Buffalo, NY and Detroit, MI, where public displays of drunkenness and rowdiness have skyrocketed.

While no evidence of Russian responsibility has been offered, White House spokesperson, Josh Earnest, recently stated: "The motive is obvious. The constant flashing and gyrating shapes in the sky are intended to cause sleep deprivation. When people don't get enough sleep, their guard is down. The Russians are trying to undermine our national security with this cheap stunt. It's an unprecedented act of aggression and, trust me, will not go unanswered. We are coordinating our response with the Department of Defense, NSA, CIA, and Hayden Planetarium in New York."

One reporter asked about the rumors that world-renowned astrophysicist, Dr. Neal deGraas Tyson, had been summoned to the White House to seek his expert advice on exactly what appropriate counter-measures and retaliation might be available.

"Well . . . Mr. Tyson appears to be a Putin-apologist and commie sympathizer. When we approached him about this, after he stopped rudely laughing in our faces, the guy just shrugged his shoulders and walked away shaking his head. What an arrogant man. We are keeping our eye on him."


Millions of humanoids almost ready to begin stealing election for Hillary

© News Thump
Millions of fake Americans are ready to be delivered to Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters to await distribution to the districts in which they will vote.

With the election now only days away, Clinton strategists are keen to ensure the humanoids tasked with stealing the election from Donald Trump are in tip-top shape and ready to perform on the 8th November.

Clinton strategist Chuck Williams said, "We're proud of the humanoid programme, and we're sure it will be the difference between losing to Donald Trump, and winning the White House.

"They'll be sent to polling stations across the nation to place fake votes for Hillary Clinton, to rip the presidency away from Donald Trump.

"Sure, it does seem like the Trump campaign is on to us and our dastardly plan, finally, but we're confident that our humanoids are capable of fooling even those most ardent Trump supporter.

"If challenged, they're programmed to offer phrases such as 'Build the wall', 'make America great again' and 'guns are great' - we're confident that will be enough to get passed anyone challenging voters at polling stations.

"If all else fails, they'll simply wear a red trump cap and punch an immigrant."


The Simpsons' crystal ball: Bombing Syrian 'rebels' and 6 other 'predictions'

Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie have become household names since 'The Simpsons' first aired in 1987. But the show's uncanny ability to consistently predict future events has many believing the cartoon's creators have a crystal ball.

One of the most prominent of their "predictions" relates to the current state of US politics. Donald Trump's presidential bid was first depicted on the cartoon series - playing out in a 2000 episode some 16 years before the billionaire was actually chosen as the Republican Party's nominee.

And that's far from being the only case of an episode of The Simpsons reflecting future events. Here, RT lists six other past episodes in which The Simpsons bizarrely predicted, depicted, or referred to major contemporary events that were yet to unfold.

Comment: The Trump elevator scene doesn't count because it was made after Trump actually did that! The creators copied real life!

The rest can largely be explained away as coincidental.

But the Syrian rebel flag is weird though...

Arrow Down

Smart kettle 'refuses' to make tea for data specialist

© Smarter
A man has spent an entire day attempting to get a smart kettle to make him a cup of tea. The English data specialist found his Wi-Fi enabled kettle was no longer connecting to its base station, preventing it from functioning and leaving him without tea.

Mark Rittman first detailed his problem in a tweet yesterday. "Still haven't had a first cup of tea this morning, debugging the kettle and now iWifi base-station has reset," Rittman said.

He added "Boiling water in saucepan now." Rittman proceeded to detail his progress towards fixing the kettle, gaining mass attention in the process.

Rittman first tried to use the kettle shortly before 9am. The companion app entered debugging mode though, causing the kettle's base station to reset.

After that, the kettle and its controller became completely disconnected, leaving Rittman attempting to "recalibrate" the kettle. Several hours later, Rittman still hadn't solved the problem and the kettle and base station were refusing to link up.

Rittman was forced to port scan his network to identify the location of the kettle. After eventually reconnecting the kettle to the Wi-Fi, the app said the device had to be recalibrated another time.

After the calibration procedure completed, the kettle began refusing to connect to the network again though.


A U.S. serviceman's 1944 guide to the English: population is 'mad, ridiculous, impossible'

© Planet News LTD / Agence France-Presse
Englishmen are "mad" and "impossible", according to a short book aimed at introducing WWII US servicemen to the country's culture.

The 1944 guide titled The English and their Country is being reprinted by the Imperial War Museum.

It was aimed at introducing the Americans to some of the quirks and foibles of the English, including their eating habits, the North-South divide and their native standoffishness around strangers.

The pamphlet says that the English are a mystery which has confounded other nations since time immemorial.

"The English have for centuries been a puzzle to the people of other countries... the English have been called mad, hypocritical, impossible, ridiculous, cunning, simple and many other terms that, taken together, cancel each other out," it says.

Mr. Potato

A Bad Lip Reading of the 1st presidential debate

© Unknown
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton go head to head in classic games such as "Time to Act!", "Five Favorites", and "I Can Do This!" in the latest edition of Bad Lip Reading.


Proven: Flies Like Excrement

Twitter was abuzz last night over startling new revelations that... a fly landed right on Hillary Clinton's face during the debate!

Comment: Pneumonia virus freaks out, threatens suicide after realizing it infected Killary


Russians halt search for intelligent life in Washington and Western Europe

A Russian research team which claimed to have detected signs of intelligent life in Washington has now discovered the life there not to be quite so intelligent after all.

A Russian spokesman, who wishes to remain anonymous, told our Moscow science correspondent —who also wishes to remain anonymous— that the Washington atmosphere has been poisoned by huge clouds of putrid hot air belching from the corporate media. He explained that such a hostile environment makes it almost impossible for intelligent life to survive, let alone evolve a sustainable culture. The Russian team believes there may still be small pockets of intelligent life elsewhere on the North American continent but without the necessary conditions they need to thrive they are destined to disappear without trace.

Speaking off the record, the Russian spokesman, who asked us not to disclose his identity, added that hopes of finding intelligent life in London, Paris, Berlin and other Western European locations, where it might be expected to flourish, are fading fast. Though it is believed intelligent life once existed in Occidental Europe, an atmosphere suitable for the maintenance of such life has all but evaporated.

Comment: It's not just the media that is parasitical in Washington:


Trojan tea-maker: FSB gifted top Russian official under investigation with wiretapped samovar

© Dmitry Korobeinikov / Sputnik
A samovar is a heated metal container traditionally used to heat and boil water in and around Russia, as well as in countries in Central Europe, South-Eastern Europe, Eastern Europe, Kashmir and the Middle-East.
The Federal Security Service (FSB) has come up with a pretty unusual way to use a samovar - a traditional Russian kettle with a spigot - after one was given as a present to the head of an investigative committee suspected of large-scale bribery with a bug inside.

The head of internal affairs of Russia's Investigative Committee, Mikhail Maksimenko, has reportedly become aware that FSB is keeping an eye (or, rather, an ear) on all of his conversations at the office thanks to the shiny copper samovar he received as a present from the security service.

"I have bugs all over the place, God bless them. I want them to see that I'm alright and I don't take bribes," Maksimenko said, explaining his response to the news that his office was wiretapped, the Russian Kommersant newspaper quotes.

The data retrieved from the bug made it possible to charge three top officials of the investigative committee with bribery.

Comment: At least the FSB was considerate enough to give Maksimenko something useful!