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© The Babylon Bee
With Epstein's infamous assistant Ghislaine Maxwell awaiting trial and testimony in prison, many celebrities, politicians, and entertainment industry elites are rushing to make pedophilia generally acceptable before they're outed as patrons of Epstein's notorious island.

"I'm not going to lie, this is going to be an uphill climb," said actor and director Rudy Allan, "but it's absolutely necessary in order to prevent the entire world from seeing us as depraved perverts. Well, actually, I guess we don't mind that so much as we just want depravity and perversion to be considered completely valid sexual orientations. I mean, we're pretty much there already, just have to check off one last box."

According to Allan, the movement is gaining unprecedented cooperation from across industries and international political positions. From an unnamed prince in a small country off the coast of France, to fashion industry moguls, to famous musicians and actors, the push to make pedophilia mainstream is gaining traction.

"The gay rights movement took 30-40 years, but the transgender movement really only took about 5-10 years," said a hopeful former US President from Arkansas who preferred to remain anonymous. "At that rate, we should be able to make this thing happen by the end of the year!"

"Honestly, the timing couldn't be better," says Oscar-winning actor Kelvin Smacey. "If this whole Epstein Island thing had come out before we had fully integrated things like transgender children and Drag Queen Story Hour into mainstream values, we'd be totally doomed. Nowadays, we've got so many letters crammed into the whole 'LGBTQETC+' thing, nobody even notices if we slide a 'P' in there somewhere!"

In addition to those subtle changes, the ramp-up includes bolder strategies, such as a California proposal that will make it okay for 22-year-olds to have relations with 13-year-olds, a new streaming series about an 11-year-old girl defying her family's outdated traditions by dancing sensually, or simply tweeting pro-pedo slogans like "love has no age" from popular drag queen associations.

While the momentum has recently increased, Allan says they've been laying down the groundwork for decades.

"I mean, we've got award-winning movies and shows featuring minors in sexual situations," Allan says. "We've got drag shows for toddlers, school curriculum developed to get children thinking about exploring their sexuality really early on, and clothing lines designed to show off their bodies. We've implemented various strategies to reduce parental influence and protection over their children by weakening the family structure and encouraging promiscuity. And that's not even mentioning abortion. Like, once you're okay with casually slaughtering babies by the millions, how is anyone going to take issue with objectifying kids?"

According to Allan, next steps include Kidnapper Story Hour at the library, human sacrifices at public schools, a competitive reality TV series called Six-Year-Old Strippers, and outlawing millstones within 40 miles of any large body of water.