© Unknown
The recent release of 17 minutes of video footage shot from an American Apache helicopter on July 12, 2007 in Iraq, is reprehensible, seditious, and un-American. Video footage such as this, as well as hundreds of thousands of documents normally kept safely out of the prying hands of an ill-informed public under the aegis of National Security, are not released for a reason. Simply put, they spoil our fun.

After all, how are we to successfully wage a war of unprovoked aggression when such "leaks" reveal all our tricks and flimsy justifications for senseless and adrenalin-pumping murder to every 13-year-old who has access to YouTube? How can we stand by our plausible cover stories when videos like this impugn our self-created credibility? Yes, when our expendable, fleshy killing machines see an Iraqi man with a camera, what other choice do they have than to tell their superiors he has a weapon and request to "engage" him, and any other Iraqis who happen to be in the vicinity? How else are they supposed to raise their "kill count", I ask you??

It boggles the mind.

This scenario pushes incredulity to its utmost limits when you consider the very real dangers that journalists (and especially journalists with cameras who can actually document the events we usually, simply, and easily write off as "enemy propaganda") pose to our good fun. It is human nature after all (well, a certain type of human, whom I don't particularly understand or care for (not that I care about anyone really, but you catch my drift)) to require our help in these matters by making things palatable to that strange quality called conscience. When people realize that people like us have committed such acts, and then had the foresight and common sense to cover our asses, they tend to become all riled up. I guess you could even say we do them a favor. A psychiatrist may charge hundreds of dollars an hour for the service we provide in preventing fits of hysteria. And yet what do we receive in return for our consideration of their mental health? Who is crying for us?

But I digress. The way it is supposed to work, and the way it does work when groups of anti-American traitors keep their mouths shut, is that we come up with plausible stories to feed the media, let the bleeding hearts have their illusions about what it is we actually do in war, and allow ourselves free rein "engaging" the "enemy".

"15 Armed Iraqis killed while aggressively approaching American troops"

"Group of insurgents righteously killed in armed confrontation"

"Enemy uses children as human shields"

Those are the kind of headlines that let the people let us do what we do best: murder. And that's all the public needs to know. They just don't understand how awesome it is to blow apart human beings from the sky with a high-powered assault rifle. Did we all not hear the fun our soldiers expressed when shooting these unarmed men? Do we really want to rob them of that joy? For what? A few measly Iraqis?

I mean, get over it, people! Give our boys a break!

This is a war after all, and all's fair in war. If you're carrying a camera (which is justification enough!) that could plausibly look like a gun to a Marine who has gone weeks without a fresh kill, that is a perfect justification to shoot to kill. What if it really was a weapon, after all? We can't expect our troops to know the difference, or even to care, mind you. That's just not the way it works. We kill, then we make up the story that plausibly justifies our killing. That's the way it has always worked, and if it wasn't for for those self-righteous gun-shunners, that's the way it would still be working. I will do you a favor by not describing the various activities I would have otherwise engaged in if I had not been called to several emergency meetings to discuss these very issues and the potential problems they pose for me and my small group of friends. But I can tell you the result of those meetings. After much deliberation, we've decided the best future course of action: murder.

It was a difficult choice, but we decided that it really was the most rewarding, and frankly, we couldn't really come up with any alternatives (however, Dick did suggest we first render all such "enemy combatants" to his private estate where we could set them loose and make a party of it, but the logistics involved were a real nightmare).

We also spent some time discussing that treacherous, treasonous traitor Lawrence Wilkerson for spilling the beans about Guantanamo recently. Yes, of course the hundreds of inmates were innocent. That was obvious. But to SAY IT? IN PUBLIC??? At least he waited until we were firmly entrenched in Iraq to open his mouth. That would have been a disaster. Anyway, we've had our fun with the inmates. If there's one thing more enjoyable than a fresh kill, it's having a... hmm? Oh, yes, that part hasn't been made public yet. Sometimes I do carry on! Well, Rummy tried his best to do damage control on the Wilkerson fiasco, but what is done is done, I suppose.

Well then, I am reaching my word limit, and I am several days behind viewing my Guantanamo dailies (I will miss them if the place is ever shut down), and am rightly famished, so until next time.

Yours truly,


cheney & reality
© Mike Luckovich