After some confusion among the White House press corps over how the executive branch operates, White House Deputy Chief of Staff for Policy Stephen Miller helpfully stepped in with a pair of sock puppets to explain how the Constitution works.

"Let's all use our listening ears, class," began Stephen Miller as he gestured with a sock puppet. "I'm glad for the opportunity for a brief civics lesson with you and to help you all understand at your level, I've brought in Constitutional Connor and Silly Socko."

"Zoinks! I just lost my job at the Social Security Administration and that makes me really sad... and MAD," began puppet Silly Socko on the verge of puppet tears. "And it's all because of ELON MUSK, who wasn't even ELECTED!"

"There, there, Silly Socko," piped in a cheery, empathetic Constitutional Connor. "A president is elected by the whole American people. He's the only official in the entire government who is elected by the entire nation. Right?"

"Yeah, you must know all about that since you are Constitutional Connor!"

"It's all in the name, Socko! So the Constitution, Article Two, has a clause, known as the Vesting Clause, and it says, 'The executive power shall be vested in a PRESIDENT'. Singular. The whole will of DEMOCRACY is imbued into the one elected PRESIDENT, who is now Donald Trump. That president then appoints STAFF — like Elon Musk — to then impose that democratic will onto the government."

"Yeah, that makes sense, I guess. But I'm still really mad at Elon MUSK! AAAAHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Silly Socko.

"Thanks, for clearing that up, Constitutional Connor," chimed in the real Stephen Miller to wrap things up. "And cheer up, Silly Socko, you can get just as good a job in some new and different line of work where you can actually be productive in society!"

"Ah, shucks!" replied Silly Socko.

"That's all for me today; that's your lesson for today," said Stephen Miller as he gave the podium back to the White House press secretary.

At publishing time, Stephen Miller had received an offer to head up a children's educational program on One America News Network.

The Department of Government Efficiency faced renewed calls for independent oversight after news broke that DOGE boss Elon Musk had callously cut off Social Security benefits for thousands of Revolutionary War veterans.

The move took place as part of DOGE's overarching crusade to identify and eliminate wasteful government spending but promised to bring the Musk-led team a new wave of negative publicity due to brave veterans of the American War of Independence now being deprived of their hard-fought benefits.

"How dare he take away the benefits we earned with our blood," said 270-year-old Arthur Breckenridge, who fought in the Battle of Yorktown in 1781. "It's only because of men like me that this South African fellow had a chance to come to this country and enjoy the fruits of our labor. Now we find out he's cutting off our Social Security? How are we supposed to live?"

Though Musk and the team at DOGE cited Social Security payments to individuals seemingly far too old to still be living as evidence of widespread fraud, Breckenridge and his fellow Revolutionary War veterans were not going to accept this indignity. "This billionaire miscreant leaves us no choice," said Thomas Halderman, a 278-year-old veteran of the Battle of Saratoga. "We shall grab our muskets and march to Tesla headquarters. Have at thee, you thieving scoundrel!"

At publishing time, DOGE was reportedly seeking a way to verify the ages and identities of the Revolutionary War veterans by asking Senator Mitch McConnell if he knew any of them from back then.

Democrats have demanded increased transparency from a man who painstakingly posts on the internet every single thing he does.

After viewing hundreds of Musk's posts from the past day, replete with videos and images chronicling his every move, Democrats condemned Musk for shrouding his work in secrecy.

"We have no idea what Elon is really up to," said Senator Chuck Schumer, while listeners scrolling their phones read up-to-the-second updates from Musk about each bite of his breakfast. "It's just a total mystery."

Republicans argued in vain that Musk has run the most transparent government agency in history, describing his work in minute detail and publicly posting dozens of images showing the exact contracts that DOGE is canceling. "But other than posting government documents with precise contract amounts, payment histories, and signatures, where is the evidence of government waste?" asked Senator Elizabeth Warren. "Musk simply cannot be allowed to operate in the shadows like this."

At publishing time, Musk had posted 73 more updates in the past minute showing what contracts DOGE was canceling as well as describing in vivid detail each bite of his sandwich.

Claims it's Necessary for National Energy Security

The Globe and Fail

Nathan Goldblob, staff writer

Today, Donald Trump announced plans to annex the Canadian province of Alberta. The surprising statement, published on Truth Social, has further shaken the already precarious relationship between the two nations.

In the post, the President asserted that access to Canadian oil and natural gas would guarantee American energy supply and reduce costs for Americans, a key plank in his election campaign, and that Albertans would be better off.

At a press conference after the announcement, Trump said: "They are going to see investment like they've never seen before. We will remove their regulatory burden, cut them loose, pipelines, lots of pipelines, you know, they've been going east west when they should be going north south, refineries, good paying jobs, lower taxes, better currency. We are going to rename it North Montana. They are going to be very happy."

The beavers not only solved a drainage problem, but also saved authorities an estimated $1.23 million.

Remember when humans could build stuff? Like, "Hey, let's slam 4 million cubic yards of concrete between two canyon walls" and five years later — two years ahead of schedule — Hoover Dam?

Well, nowadays it takes longer than that to approve the font size on the "No Smoking" sign for a public park bathroom that'll cost $2.3 million and require 47 community input sessions.

But some beavers in the Czech Republic just gave a masterclass in Getting Sh*t Done. While government officials were busy having meetings about having meetings about their river restoration project (started in 2018), these rodents rolled up and built a dam in two days.

No permits. No environmental impact studies. No LinkedIn humble-brags about "transformative infrastructure solutions." Just teeth, logs, and the hutzpah to ignore five years of bureaucratic foreplay.

Sure, they flooded some stuff and messed up a railway line, but compare it to modern infrastructure projects that take decades and billions of dollars only to end up as PowerPoint presentations about why they need more billions.

One Czech official had to admit: "The beavers saved us 30 million Czech korunas ($1.2 million). They built the dams without any project documentation — and for free."

Democrats have unleashed furious attacks on Republicans for using winning the election as an excuse to try to take control of the government.

Democrats have accused Republicans of attempting to make decisions as to how the government ought to be run, as if Republicans were voted to be in charge.

"Winning the election gives Republicans no right to run this country," shouted Senator Elizabeth Warren at a protest. "They cannot simply come in and take control of governmental agencies simply because people voted for them. We must employ every means possible to resist this takeover."

Democrats have turned to the streets in anger as Republicans continue to assert that being elected puts them in charge. "People voting for Trump to be President doesn't magically make him the boss," explained Senator Schumer. "Trump cannot be allowed to come in and issue these executive orders, just because he is the Executive. Rest assured, the Democrats will fight with all of our hearts to stop the people who were elected from being in power."

At publishing time, Democrats had announced that the only thing Trump was actually allowed to be in charge of was pardoning that turkey on Thanksgiving.

"THE last one was cold... and make sure it's skinny this time, Don. Now where was I? Ah, yes... uh, no, I wouldn't say 'in charge', uh, I'm just helping out here - a special government employee. Yeah, that's it, special, " Elon Musk reassured reporters last night when asked if he was in the middle of a hostile takeover of the US Government as he ordered elected president Donald Trump to nip down to Starbucks on a coffee run.

"Ah, um, no, um, those are just coincidences," he continued, denying that his Doge team tasked with 'cutting costs in the federal government' were actively safeguarding his own financial interests by gutting agencies investigating his companies for regulatory noncompliance, "I, uh, didn't hear anything like that, where's Don with my latte? Susie! Get Don on the phone... see if he got lost again... so hard to get good presidents these days".

World Health Organization (WHO) leaders are sounding the alarm Thursday, warning that President Trump's temporary freeze on federal funding for the organization may delay the release of a new pandemic.

"And that would be terrible," the organization said in a statement. "We've got a cool name for it and everything. Delaying the pandemic now would cost hundreds, maybe thousands of good-paying Chinese jobs."

According to WHO officials, the next pandemic is expected to be a "real doozy" and lead to creative new policies like standing exactly 28.5 feet away from other people, wearing masks over your ears, and burning down churches. But now, at the rate American policies are changing, the pandemic may never even happen.

"No one wants to see their life's work go down the drain," said WHO Director-General Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus. "It's almost like Trump doesn't even care who he hurts as long as he gets to save a buck."

President Trump's approval rating has risen by another 10 points in light of news of the pandemic's likely delay and possible cancelation, surprising members of the mainstream media.

"The COVID pandemic was the best time of my life," said CNN anchor Kaitlan Collins. "We got to scold people and get paid for it! Trump ruins everything!"

At publishing time, President Trump had responded to the WHO's warning by making all funding cuts permanent.

KYIV — To date, the United States has allocated approximately $177 billion worth of aid to Ukraine, but the war-torn nation reports they have received less than half. Now Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy is asking for another $20 billion so he can find out what happened to the $101 billion dollars that was somehow lost.

"In order to locate the missing funds, we will need more funds," said Zelenskyy. "That's just basic economics. And if you don't give it to us then you hate Ukraine and democracy."

Given that the money would have arrived in the form of humanitarian aid or weapons, some officials have questioned exactly how Zelenskyy can be so sure he was shorted the funds, to which he replied, "I don't know, that's what I need the $20 billion for."

In an electrifying several hours on Capitol Hill, a nominee for the nation's top criminal justice position was interviewed by the nation's top criminals.

Kash Patel, Trump's pick to lead the FBI, fielded questions from America's lowest and most despicable lawbreakers ahead of his confirmation vote in the Senate.

"I have serious concerns about your character, Mr. Patel," said Senator Whitehouse, a notorious DC criminal. "Based on things you've said in the past, it seems you want to turn the FBI into a law enforcement agency to be weaponized against criminals. I find this unsettling and deeply disqualifying."

Sources say Patel simply responded with a silent, unblinking stare.

Senator Amy Klobuchar, another dangerous lawbreaker who has thus far evaded capture by police, expressed similar concerns. "EEEEEEEEEEEE!" said Klobuchar in a forceful monologue during the hearing. "EEEEEEEEEEK EEEEEEEEKKKK!"

The rest of Klobuchar's statement was not recorded as technicians mercifully turned her microphone off.

At publishing time, Patel's fate was still up in the air as the gang of criminals deliberated on whether to confirm him.