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Mon, 26 Aug 2019
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Better late than never? Russian priest say Darwin 'renounces' his 'ape theory' in posthumous chat

russian priest Vladimirov Darwin
© SPAS TV channel; Wikipedia
Father Artemy Vladimirov and Charles Darwin
A Russian priest has left quite a few people puzzled with a story about how he 'talked' with the spirit of Charles Darwin and was apparently told not to be tempted by his theory of evolution through natural selection.

Being dead for more than a century seemingly poses no communication barrier for the renowned British naturalist, who recently shared some wisdom found in the afterlife with a Russian priest... according to the cleric himself. Artemy Vladimirov offered a vivid recollection of the 'conversation' with Darwin during a Russian Christian TV program that he hosts.

Binoculars

Your field guide to Russian assets in America

russia souveniers political figures
© Reuters / Maxim Shemetov
While the media likes to make a fuss about shady 'Russian hackers' and 'Russian bots' subverting democracy, did you know that America is actually full of Russian assets plying their trade openly? We find the worst of the worst.

If the mainstream media is to be believed, the Kremlin's network of hackers and bots could give the Illuminati a run for its money. When its operatives aren't electing British prime ministers, embarrassing American politicians on debate night and flogging dildos to undermine democracy, they're overseeing a team of assets earning their borscht openly in the United States.

Thankfully, the intrepid detectives in the American press have named and shamed these double agents. We've compiled a list here.

Snowflake Cold

Experts warn we only have 12 years left until the timeline on global warming will be changed again

Global Warming
© The Babylon Bee
World — Climate experts have solemnly warned that we only have twelve years left until they change the dates on global warming again.

"If we don't take action, then in 12 years we will have to explain why the world hasn't ended and come up with a new number," one UN scientist warned. "This is a very serious threat, and we urge everyone to hand control of the economy to the government immediately before we have no more time left to change the timeline again."

Cross

African pastors finally find Jesus and take him to church

Jesus
© Syńbâd/twitter
Christians have been awaiting the return of Christ for two millennia, and now he has allegedly landed in Kenya.

A man claiming to be Jesus, the Son of God, is currently touring South Africa, according to photos and videos shared by locals across social media.

One user recounted that a Kenyan pastor found "Jesus" walking on the streets of Kenya and invited him to a church.


Smiley

"Is it possible for a country to die of embarrassment?" Brits cringe at tabloid's sunny Bojo front page

Bojo Sun Cover page, Boris Johnson

“Is it possible for a country to die of embarrassment?”
Boris Johnson has not even been British prime minister for one week and already things are getting weird. Nowhere is this more evident than the cover of Friday's Sun, which features BoJo as the actual sun.

Famous for his slew of gaffes over the years, many expected his prime ministership to be replete with memeworthy moments, but the Sun has taken things too far for even the most cynical online trolls judging by reaction on Twitter.

"Is it possible for a country to die of embarrassment?" wrote one sickened user. "You'll never guess what the sun baby in the teletubbies looks like now," another person quipped as many others took the opportunity to have a pop at the Sun's graphics department.

Comment: Galloway: You'd have to be mad to think Boris Johnson is the answer to Britain's problems


Pumpkin 2

Give homelessness a go to avoid high rents urges government

Homeless Person
© Cherwell
WITH the mass exodus of culchies from the netherworld known as 'not Dublin' to Dublin fully underway, the Government has come out to advise college students coming to the capital to not rule out homelessness as a viable option going forward.

Trialed and tested on over 10,000 low earning citizens since 2011, Fine Gael detailed all the benefits of opting out of the 'rental rat race', in favour of 'cosy sleeping blankets' and 'rainproof tents'.

"Students wishing to live in actual accommodation in Dublin will need wealthy parents," Minister for Housing Eoghan Murphy warned culchies, "the price of free education is at an all time high, so if you're not rich, or a lottery winner, please consider homelessness for the few months of the academic year you're up in the big smoke - see how ye get on".

Attention

Breakthrough Science! Researchers Find That Nicking Ships May Have Consequences

stena impero
A new study from the University of the Blindingly Obvious has found that if one country nicks another country's ship, the country whose ship has been nicked may be likely to respond by nicking a ship belonging to the country that nicked theirs. According to the authors of the report, the reason for this may be down to something called "the way the world works," or what is often known as tit-for-tat.
"We began by giving toy ships to children of nursery school age," said a spokeswoman for the research team, "but with one child being instructed to take a ship belonging to another child, while leaving their own unguarded. What we then observed was fascinating. The child who had had his or her toy ship stolen would then wait for an opportunity to take one from the child who had taken from them. We were gobsmacked. We really didn't think the world worked like that. But apparently it does."
In further experiments, researchers wanted to find out what happened when Child A — the one who took the first ship — protested against Child B taking theirs. Again, the results took the researchers by surprise:
"We fully expected that when Child A raised a hue and cry about having their ship snatched, Child B's conscience would smite them, and they would return the ship that did not belong to them, but letting Child A keep theirs. Yet to our amazement, no matter how much Child A spoke indignantly about the illegality of Child B's actions, Child B continued to maintain that they would only return the ship if theirs was returned to them at the same time."

Doberman

'Clever pooch': Mongrel unties & kidnaps pedigree dog left outside shop

Dogs
© Instagram / natasha_nvrs
A brazen kidnapping attempt was captured on video in southern Russia, where a stray dog untied and tried to draw away a pedigree pit-bull who was waiting for his master outside a grocery store.

The motivation of the fluffy perpetrator from the city of Novorossiysk on the Black Sea is still unclear, but the street-wise mutt acted with great determination and dexterity.

Question

Moon Landing, 50th Anniversary of the Biggest Lie Ever Told?

moon
GTFOH Show with Comedian Matt Billon takes an in-depth look into the Moon Landing. Watch and laugh at just how ridiculous the thought of man going to the moon in the 60's.actually is. Could man travel 240.000 miles away in 1969 ?


Sources

Smiley

New study confirms all your opinions, world views, beliefs, are correct

Correct Opinions and Beliefs
© Babylon Bee
U.S. — A fascinating new study released today from a very reliable source confirmed that all your opinions are correct, there are no flaws in your worldview, beliefs, or hot takes, and that everything you say is more or less absolutely correct.

The study researched everything you believe and found that it is true, all of it. From your opinions on religion to your takes on politics, the extremely reputable study found that you are 100% correct both in your high-level assertions and in all the supporting details of your claims.