Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Sheeple

Lonely Irishman brought donkey to hotel room, court told

A man who was found dressed in latex and handcuffs brought a donkey to his room in a Galway city centre hotel, because he was advised "to get out and meet people," the local court heard last week.

Thomas Aloysius McCarney with an address in south Galway was charged with cruelty to animals, lewd and obscene behaviour, and with being a danger to himself when he appeared before the court on Friday. He was also charged with damage to a mini-bar in the room, but this charge was later dropped when the defendant said that it was the donkey who caused that damage.

Bizarro Earth

Blair photo 'shows rude gesture'

A photograph appearing to show a young Tony Blair making a rude gesture has been published in full for the first time, by the BBC's Newsnight programme.

The photo, of a 21-year-old Mr Blair, has been previously been cropped to show only his head.

The prime minister has described the image as "a picture that I wouldn't mind if I never saw again."

It was found by a Newsnight reporter while researching a student photo of Tory leader David Cameron.

Bomb

Enriched uranium unearthed from man's garden

A German man obtained enriched uranium and buried it in his garden, raising concerns about the security of Germany's nuclear reactors, the environment ministry in the state of Lower Saxony said.

"How do pellets get out of a nuclear reactor? That's not supposed to happen," said ministry spokeswoman Jutte Kremer-Heye.

She said it was unclear when the man, a resident of the north-western German town of Lauenfoerder, got hold of and buried the 14 low-enriched uranium pellets, which he had sealed in a steel container wrapped in a plastic bag.

Vader

Pope is warned of a green Antichrist

An arch-conservative cardinal chosen by the Pope to deliver this year's Lenten meditations to the Vatican hierarchy has caused consternation by giving warning of an Antichrist who is "a pacifist, ecologist and ecumenist".

Cardinal Giacomo Biffi, 78, who retired as Archbishop of Bologna three years ago, quoted Vladimir Solovyov (1853-1900), the Russian philosopher and mystic, as predicting that the Antichrist "will convoke an ecumenical council and seek the consensus of all the Christian confessions".

The "masses" would follow the Antichrist, "with the exception of small groups of Catholics, Orthodox and Protestants" who would fight to prevent the watering down and ultimate destruction of the faith, he said.

Ambulance

Man Blames Burrito For Paralysis

TAMPA, Fla. -- A man who can no longer feed himself said an uncooked chicken burrito put him in a wheelchair.

Anderson said he ate the burrito at a Moe's Southwest Grill in Land O' Lakes in September and became sick with stomach cramps, diarrhea and joint pains.

Wine

Girl's hiccups stop, mysteriously, after 5 weeks

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida -- She sipped pickle juice, held her breath, breathed into a bag, even went to a neurologist, but for more than five weeks nothing would stop a 15-year-old girl's rapid hiccups -- until they finally just stopped on their own.

After trying countless remedies and attracting national media attention, Jennifer Mee said her hiccups suddenly stopped around 5 p.m. Wednesday. No one is certain why.

Magic Wand

Man tries to cash $50K check from God

Kevin Russell found out it's not easy trying to cash a check from God. The 21-year-old man was arrested Monday after he tried to cash a check for $50,000 at the Chase Bank in Hobart that was signed "King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant," Hobart police Detective Jeff White said.

Russell was charged with one count attempted check fraud and one count intimidation, both felonies, and one count resisting law enforcement, a misdemeanor. He could face prison time.

Police were called to the bank after Russell tried to cash the check, which was written on an invalid Bank One check with no imprint, White said. Russell had several other checks with him that were signed the same way but made out in different dollar amounts, including one for $100,000.

Evil Rays

9-11 Mystery Pentagon Plane Found in Bermuda Triangle



©The Spoof
The mystery is solved! The plane that hit the Pentagon emerged from the mists of the Bermuda Triangle and returned thence...

Bomb

The Peacemongers: Can these Nobel laureates help stop a war?

There is perhaps nothing more stereotypically masculine than war.

It's not that there haven't been women inclined to make war, but this need to hit, to thrust, to dominate, to claim supremacy is downright boyish. And there has perhaps been no U.S. presidential administration more unrelentingly macho than this one.

Bomb

Italian Granny finds live WW II Grenade in sack of French Potatoes

Naples - A 74-year-old Italian grandmother who bought a sack of potatoes at the her local market found a live grenade among the spuds.

"I found a bomb in the potatoes," Olga Mauriello said.