Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

It's over: In blow to Biden transition, Trump reveals he has obtained the Darksaber


The Babylon Bee
Sun, 20 Dec 2020 17:05 UTC
Trump dark saber
© The Babylon Bee
In a shocking upset, President Trump brought Biden's transition to a screeching halt after revealing he has obtained the legendary Darksaber. According to lore, the Darksaber gives Trump all rights of kingship over America, which can only be taken from him through ritual combat.

"This is it. Democracy is over," wept Brian Stelter during a segment of his smash-hit news show Reliable Sources. "Is there no one with the courage to step up and face this evil monster and his awesome lightsaber? I would face Trump, but I have to wash my hair tonight, otherwise, I would totally fight him."

According to legend, the Darksaber was crafted by President George Washington at the dawn of America's founding. In unearthed writings from the founding father, he said: "We used the saber to unify the people and strike down those who would oppose us. I drove out the redcoats and smote their ruin upon the battlefield wielding this blade. Anyone who wields it shall be automatically president forever until a worthy challenger can take it from him."

"I'll take that dumb sword away from him!" exclaimed Biden. "I defeated Corn Pop and I can defeat this clown!" Biden lept from his easy chair to get his shoes on, but he tripped on the little wood transition between the carpet and the kitchen floor and broke his hip.

Trump has vowed to retain the Darksaber until he is ready to pass it down to America's next king, Donald Trump Jr.
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Smiley

California mulling tax on breathing


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 17 Dec 2020 18:05 UTC
gavin newsom
Gavin Newsom: "Oxygen is a privilege"
The California legislature unveiled plans last week for a new tax on the privilege of breathing.

The "Check Your Oxygen Privilege Act" will be voted on later this week. If passed into law, Californians will pay a progressive tax on inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide, with wealthier residents paying as much as 40% of their income for every breath they take. The poorest tax bracket may receive a subsidy for their breaths under the new model.

"Once again, California is at the forefront of progress," Governor Gavin Newsom said in a press conference Monday. "We've talked about taxing text messages, vehicle mileage, sneezing, sleeping, and your very existence, and this was the logical next step." The government has reportedly developed special breathing meters to help implement the bill, should it pass. Californians will be forced to purchase the meters from the state and wear them at all times to ensure accurate measurement of the amount of air they're using.

At publishing time, California had unveiled a tax on taxes, charging residents a luxury tax for the privilege of being taxed.
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Cult

Tom Curse: Tom Cruise Covid rant - star warns Mission: Impossible crew they're 'f***ing gone' if they break rules on set

Daniel Hammond
The Sun
Tue, 15 Dec 2020 09:01 UTC
Tom Cruise
© The SunThe Sun's poster for the new Mission: Impossible if it included Tom Cruise's extraordinary swearing

FURIOUS Tom Cruise tore into workers who broke Covid rules on the set of Mission: Impossible screaming:

"If I see you doing it again, you're f***ing gone."

The Hollywood megastar has worked tirelessly behind the scenes to enforce tight social-distancing rules during the filming, taking place in Britain.

Comment: Tom Cruise is just another useful idiot of the PTB. He is a part of the Scientology church, which is also a tool of the CIA and MIVILUDES. Watch this documentary about Scientology if you want to understand his pathological behavior and abusing other people. The lunatics have taken over the asylum! UPDATE 17/12/2020: Staffers quit Tom Cruise's 'Mission Impossible' movie project after star goes full-on KAREN with second Covid rant - report
Actor Tom Cruise has reportedly erupted for a second time over Covid-19 social-distancing breaches on the set of his latest "Mission Impossible" movie project in Europe, prompting five staffers to quit the production.

The second meltdown came on Tuesday night, after news broke of an earlier on-set rant by Cruise that was caught on tape, the Sun newspaper reported, citing an unidentified person involved in the movie. The 58-year-old actor stars in the film, which is the seventh installment of "Mission Impossible," and is one of its producers.

The person said:
"The first outburst was big, but things haven't calmed since,"

"Tension has been building for months, and this was the final straw. Since it became public, there has been more anger, and several staff have walked."


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Bullseye

Flashback 'You're a piece of sh*t and I hope everyone like you dies,' says Biden to Democratic voter in stirring call for party unity


The Onion
Thu, 30 Jan 2020 00:01 UTC
biden
As part of his effort to reinvigorate the coalition that once put Barack Obama in the White House, presidential candidate Joe Biden issued a moving plea for party unity when he told a Democratic voter "You're a piece of shit and I hope everyone like you dies," reports confirmed Thursday.

"Look here, pal, fuck you and fuck anybody who thinks like you," the former vice president said to a town hall participant in what political experts have hailed as a rousing call for Democrats, independents, and even moderate Republicans to join together in harmony and overcome the divisiveness and rancor that have characterized the Trump era.
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House

Newsom issues double stay-at-home order where you have to stay in a smaller house inside your original house


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 07 Dec 2020 00:01 UTC
house inside house
In an attempt to fight another spike in COVID-19 infections in California, Governor Gavin Newsom has issued the first ever double stay-at-home order. With the new order, people aren't only ordered to stay in their homes no matter what, but also aren't free to wander around their homes. Instead they have to stay inside smaller houses inside their regular homes.

"If staying home makes you safe," Newsom told the press. "Then staying inside an even smaller home inside that home would make you double-safe. This is just basic science, as any scientist would tell you." This statement got a nod of approval from scientist Scruffy who stood beside Newsom, though it was possible that man was just a hobo who got a lab coat at Goodwill.

With the new order, people were told to bring a bunch of snacks and a bottle to pee in to reduce the need to ever leave the smaller house. People are also ordered to wear masks while alone in their own tiny houses because, "Why not?"

Comment: Newsom is such an affected prat.

Bonus: Brent Pella's recent skit on Loathsome Newsom:



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Cardboard Box

Help at last! House relief bill will provide free 'going out of business' signs to small business owners


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 08 Dec 2020 07:27 UTC
going out of business sign
After weeks of partisan bickering in Congress, Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnell have announced that a bipartisan relief bill is finally ready for Trump's signature. The bill will include stimulus to replenish Pelosi's ice cream freezer, more money for the Congressional Sexual Harassment Legal Defense Fund, and free "Going Out Of Business" signs for small business owners.

"We are proud, so proud, to finally bring Americans the help they so desperately need in the form of millions of free "Going Out of Business" and "Store Closing" signs for hard-working business owners," said Nancy Pelosi. "In spite of heartless political posturing from the Republicans, we are proud to say that we managed to work together to get something done for the American people!"

"We are also proud to finally bring Americans the help they so desperately need with all these free, high-quality printed signs," said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. "In spite of heartless political posturing from the Democrats, we are proud to say that we managed to work together to get something done for the American people!"

The new signs will be printed in a congressional staffer's office over the next 3 years and will cost approximately 12 million dollars each.
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Smiley

Santa HACKED! 138,000 kids suddenly added to nice list in middle of night


The Babylon Bee
Sun, 06 Dec 2020 22:45 UTC
santa nice list hacked
© The Babylon Bee
Santa Claus's nice list is said to be run on trustworthy software, safe and secure on an unhackable server under his workshop.

But some are questioning the legitimacy of the nice list after the tally suddenly spiked in the middle of the night, adding over 138,000 kids to the good side of the list.

After sorting kids according to their niceness or naughtiness for hours, Santa had abruptly stopped counting and gone to bed, saying he was tired and taking a break for the night, even though he is magical and does not need to sleep.

A team of unsupervised elves reportedly continued the counting against North Pole guidelines, and around 3 a.m. there was a sudden dump of over 138,000 kids put on the nice list. The software also switched kids over from the naughty to the nice list at random.

Big Tech companies quickly fact-checked the claim, assuring parents and children that the sudden jump of hundreds of thousands of kids added to the nice list is a normal part of kid sorting and that Santa's methods are trustworthy and reliable.
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Eagle

Adolf Hitler wins election in former German colony


BBC
Sun, 06 Dec 2020 21:12 UTC
Adolf Hitler Uunona
Karma? Hitler has returned... as a black African in a former German colony!
A Namibian politician named after Adolf Hitler says he has no plans for world domination after winning a sweeping victory in local elections.

Adolf Hitler Uunona was elected last week as councillor for the Ompundja constituency.

In an interview with German newspaper Bild, he insisted he had "nothing to do" with Nazi ideology.

Adolf, like other Germanic first names, is not uncommon in the country, which was once a German colony.

He was elected for the ruling Swapo party, which led the campaign against colonial and white-minority rule.

Mr Uunona admitted that his father had named him after the Nazi leader, but said "he probably didn't understand what Adolf Hitler stood for".


Comment: Oh he probably did!

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Smiley

White Witch Whitmer casts spell on Michigan: Always winter and never Christmas


The Babylon Bee
Sun, 06 Dec 2020 19:58 UTC
Michigan Whitmer white witch
Michigan's White Witch
According to sources, self-proclaimed Queen of Michigan Gretchen Whitmer, formerly of the kingdom of Charn, has cast a magic spell upon the entire land of Michigan, creating a hundred-year winter of hopelessness and despair.

"It is winter in Michigan," said one local resident, looking sadly out the window. "And it has been for ever so long... always winter, but never Christmas."

According to many fearful Michigan residents who asked to remain anonymous, Whitmer was banished to the Upper Peninsula 900 years ago but later returned to usurp the throne and cast Michigan into darkness. She enforces her will with the help of her Secret Police.

"I am the Queen, you are my people. What else are you there for but to do my will?" said Queen Whitmer with a wicked laugh before turning a beautiful butterfly to stone.

There are whispers of an orange-haired hero who will someday return to reclaim the throne, end the winter, and bring back Christmas. Unfortunately, he has been delayed by what he claims is a "totally rigged and fraudulent election."
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Arrow Down

US government prepares for next pandemic


Babylon Bee
Tue, 01 Dec 2020 22:40 UTC
US Government
© Babylon Bee
U.S. — With effective vaccines on the horizon, people are getting ready to finally see an end to the COVID-19 pandemic. Officials are now thinking of how to best prepare for the next global pandemic, with most settling on just going ahead and stripping people of their rights now.

"If there is one thing that stops an effective response to a pandemic, it's liberty," said California Governor Gavin Newsom. "People thinking they're free to do whatever they want will just lead to more deaths. So even when everyone is vaccinated, I'm still going to give everyone arbitrary rules for when they can leave their homes, what they're allowed to do, and what they have to wear so they're already used to obeying the government when the next crisis hits."
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