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Thu, 09 Dec 2021
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Clever American disguises self as transgender Middle Easterner in hopes of receiving more COVID aid

american funny arab
In order to receive the help they need after the government shut down their businesses and forced them to stay home, many clever Americans have disguised themselves as foreigners in hopes of receiving more COVID aid.

"With this pork-filled spending bill, Congress showed us where their priorities lie," said local out-of-work bartender Darnel Ridders, who cleverly dressed up as a transgender, vaguely Middle Eastern man. "I'm hoping to add to my $600 stimulus by dipping into some of that foreign aid for Middle-Eastern gender programs!"

Other Americans are working hard to snag some of that sweet government cash by disguising themselves as art galleries, bridge projects, and Asian carp fishermen.

"We do what we gotta do to survive," said California local Crush Crusherson, who now identifies as an endangered sea turtle.*

In a stroke of genius, Crusherson's next-door neighbor secured wealth and financial security for his entire family by simply identifying as a congressman.**

"Wish I had thought of that," said Crusherson as he chewed on a squid.



Jupiter and Saturn issued fines for not obeying social distance rules

jupiter saturn
Astronomers at NASA have fined two planets in our solar system, Saturn and Jupiter, for callously disregarding social distancing rules as their paths cross in the night sky.

"The great conjunction of these two planets in the night sky will be a thing to behold," said NASA scientist Borg Nilsenlarg. "But we highly recommend not beholding it. The science on COVID is still being worked out and we can't predict what awful consequences may follow from these two renegade celestial travelers violating social distancing guidelines."

It is currently not quite clear how a planet can actually be fined, or how a planet can spread COVID, or how a virus can survive on a hostile planetary atmosphere, or how that affects humans on Earth. These concerns were quickly put to rest, however, after Gavin Newsome looked up from his appetizer at French Laundry to yell "SCIENCE!" in a very authoritative-sounding voice.

The U.S. Government has tasked Space Force with collecting the fine from these two planets. The mission is expected to cost 3.2 Trillion dollars, which is the equivalent of about twelve $600 stimulus checks.

Light Sabers

Sci-Fi fan surprised to learn he hates strong female characters

sci-fi fan
Avid science fiction fan, Gavin Green, hates all women, opposes equality, and is someone who can't handle strong female characters in movies. This is according to reports from social media commenters and intersectionality experts who found evidence of Gavin's incorrect thoughts on Twitter and made sure to leave comments to let him know.

"Gavin just can't handle strong female characters. He needs to get over it. No one is going back to the 1950's where women were just expected to wait around for men to save them and be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen," wrote one Twitter user with pronouns 'he/him'.

This comment, among many other similar ones, was in response to Gavin's incorrect tweet at 11:43pm which went viral last Friday when he wrote, "I just rewatched The Last Jedi and, yep, I still don't like it, but I'm glad other people do."


It's over: In blow to Biden transition, Trump reveals he has obtained the Darksaber

Trump dark saber
© The Babylon Bee
In a shocking upset, President Trump brought Biden's transition to a screeching halt after revealing he has obtained the legendary Darksaber. According to lore, the Darksaber gives Trump all rights of kingship over America, which can only be taken from him through ritual combat.

"This is it. Democracy is over," wept Brian Stelter during a segment of his smash-hit news show Reliable Sources. "Is there no one with the courage to step up and face this evil monster and his awesome lightsaber? I would face Trump, but I have to wash my hair tonight, otherwise, I would totally fight him."

According to legend, the Darksaber was crafted by President George Washington at the dawn of America's founding. In unearthed writings from the founding father, he said: "We used the saber to unify the people and strike down those who would oppose us. I drove out the redcoats and smote their ruin upon the battlefield wielding this blade. Anyone who wields it shall be automatically president forever until a worthy challenger can take it from him."

"I'll take that dumb sword away from him!" exclaimed Biden. "I defeated Corn Pop and I can defeat this clown!" Biden lept from his easy chair to get his shoes on, but he tripped on the little wood transition between the carpet and the kitchen floor and broke his hip.

Trump has vowed to retain the Darksaber until he is ready to pass it down to America's next king, Donald Trump Jr.


California mulling tax on breathing

gavin newsom

Gavin Newsom: "Oxygen is a privilege"
The California legislature unveiled plans last week for a new tax on the privilege of breathing.

The "Check Your Oxygen Privilege Act" will be voted on later this week. If passed into law, Californians will pay a progressive tax on inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide, with wealthier residents paying as much as 40% of their income for every breath they take. The poorest tax bracket may receive a subsidy for their breaths under the new model.

"Once again, California is at the forefront of progress," Governor Gavin Newsom said in a press conference Monday. "We've talked about taxing text messages, vehicle mileage, sneezing, sleeping, and your very existence, and this was the logical next step." The government has reportedly developed special breathing meters to help implement the bill, should it pass. Californians will be forced to purchase the meters from the state and wear them at all times to ensure accurate measurement of the amount of air they're using.

At publishing time, California had unveiled a tax on taxes, charging residents a luxury tax for the privilege of being taxed.


Tom Curse: Tom Cruise Covid rant - star warns Mission: Impossible crew they're 'f***ing gone' if they break rules on set

Tom Cruise
© The Sun
The Sun's poster for the new Mission: Impossible if it included Tom Cruise's extraordinary swearing

FURIOUS Tom Cruise tore into workers who broke Covid rules on the set of Mission: Impossible screaming:

"If I see you doing it again, you're f***ing gone."

The Hollywood megastar has worked tirelessly behind the scenes to enforce tight social-distancing rules during the filming, taking place in Britain.

Comment: Tom Cruise is just another useful idiot of the PTB. He is a part of the Scientology church, which is also a tool of the CIA and MIVILUDES. Watch this documentary about Scientology if you want to understand his pathological behavior and abusing other people. The lunatics have taken over the asylum! UPDATE 17/12/2020: Staffers quit Tom Cruise's 'Mission Impossible' movie project after star goes full-on KAREN with second Covid rant - report
Actor Tom Cruise has reportedly erupted for a second time over Covid-19 social-distancing breaches on the set of his latest "Mission Impossible" movie project in Europe, prompting five staffers to quit the production.

The second meltdown came on Tuesday night, after news broke of an earlier on-set rant by Cruise that was caught on tape, the Sun newspaper reported, citing an unidentified person involved in the movie. The 58-year-old actor stars in the film, which is the seventh installment of "Mission Impossible," and is one of its producers.

The person said:
"The first outburst was big, but things haven't calmed since,"

"Tension has been building for months, and this was the final straw. Since it became public, there has been more anger, and several staff have walked."


'You're a piece of sh*t and I hope everyone like you dies,' says Biden to Democratic voter in stirring call for party unity

As part of his effort to reinvigorate the coalition that once put Barack Obama in the White House, presidential candidate Joe Biden issued a moving plea for party unity when he told a Democratic voter "You're a piece of shit and I hope everyone like you dies," reports confirmed Thursday.

"Look here, pal, fuck you and fuck anybody who thinks like you," the former vice president said to a town hall participant in what political experts have hailed as a rousing call for Democrats, independents, and even moderate Republicans to join together in harmony and overcome the divisiveness and rancor that have characterized the Trump era.


Newsom issues double stay-at-home order where you have to stay in a smaller house inside your original house

house inside house
In an attempt to fight another spike in COVID-19 infections in California, Governor Gavin Newsom has issued the first ever double stay-at-home order. With the new order, people aren't only ordered to stay in their homes no matter what, but also aren't free to wander around their homes. Instead they have to stay inside smaller houses inside their regular homes.

"If staying home makes you safe," Newsom told the press. "Then staying inside an even smaller home inside that home would make you double-safe. This is just basic science, as any scientist would tell you." This statement got a nod of approval from scientist Scruffy who stood beside Newsom, though it was possible that man was just a hobo who got a lab coat at Goodwill.

With the new order, people were told to bring a bunch of snacks and a bottle to pee in to reduce the need to ever leave the smaller house. People are also ordered to wear masks while alone in their own tiny houses because, "Why not?"

Comment: Newsom is such an affected prat.

Bonus: Brent Pella's recent skit on Loathsome Newsom:

Cardboard Box

Help at last! House relief bill will provide free 'going out of business' signs to small business owners

going out of business sign
After weeks of partisan bickering in Congress, Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnell have announced that a bipartisan relief bill is finally ready for Trump's signature. The bill will include stimulus to replenish Pelosi's ice cream freezer, more money for the Congressional Sexual Harassment Legal Defense Fund, and free "Going Out Of Business" signs for small business owners.

"We are proud, so proud, to finally bring Americans the help they so desperately need in the form of millions of free "Going Out of Business" and "Store Closing" signs for hard-working business owners," said Nancy Pelosi. "In spite of heartless political posturing from the Republicans, we are proud to say that we managed to work together to get something done for the American people!"

"We are also proud to finally bring Americans the help they so desperately need with all these free, high-quality printed signs," said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. "In spite of heartless political posturing from the Democrats, we are proud to say that we managed to work together to get something done for the American people!"

The new signs will be printed in a congressional staffer's office over the next 3 years and will cost approximately 12 million dollars each.


Santa HACKED! 138,000 kids suddenly added to nice list in middle of night

santa nice list hacked
© The Babylon Bee
Santa Claus's nice list is said to be run on trustworthy software, safe and secure on an unhackable server under his workshop.

But some are questioning the legitimacy of the nice list after the tally suddenly spiked in the middle of the night, adding over 138,000 kids to the good side of the list.

After sorting kids according to their niceness or naughtiness for hours, Santa had abruptly stopped counting and gone to bed, saying he was tired and taking a break for the night, even though he is magical and does not need to sleep.

A team of unsupervised elves reportedly continued the counting against North Pole guidelines, and around 3 a.m. there was a sudden dump of over 138,000 kids put on the nice list. The software also switched kids over from the naughty to the nice list at random.

Big Tech companies quickly fact-checked the claim, assuring parents and children that the sudden jump of hundreds of thousands of kids added to the nice list is a normal part of kid sorting and that Santa's methods are trustworthy and reliable.