© The Babylon Bee
Terrence Poole, Special Agent in Charge of Joy-Quashing, explained the agency's actions, saying, "We understand that people get caught up in the spirit of the season and all that. But we want to be a constant reminder that celebrating the birth of the Savior of the universe is not more important than giving an account to the government for every single thing you have."
The Jackson family of Muncie were initially surprised to find the black-suited agents pouring out of their chimney and ripping open their presents, but became cooperative after father Ben Jackson was given an explanation and a brief sleeper hold. "Yeah, I guess it's our patriotic duty or something," said Mr. Jackson after regaining consciousness.
Agents will be searching homes during the entire holiday season. Agent Poole continued, "We'll usually be entering through the chimney. For homes that don't have a chimney, we'll either be sending a magic elf through the keyhole or else using an armored personnel carrier equipped with a battering ram to breach a convenient wall. Yeah, one of those. Probably the second one."
Asked if the agents had faced any difficulties with their searches so far, Agent Poole said, "It was a little embarrassing one time when we ended up in Sam Bankman-Fried's house. We just apologized and backed out slowly. I'm sure he's got nothing important to declare."
Reader Comments
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Pub is open for business. No IRS agents given entry.
Say the password and then I'll tender your desires assuming they have merit.
BK - proprietor
With that said, no password - no entry to the pub.
(I hope you appreciate how much of a deep profound soul-searching secret I have just revealed to you there Ken!)
No password - no entry Pedro!
This pub ain't about money - barter transaction only and no credit cards needed or desired or accepted.
Ken
customerspatrons with the password......Just off the top of my head... it's not “Fidelio” by any chance?
(Maybe I'm at the wrong pub!)
Come on Pedro - what kind of pub do you think this is?
No sneaking into the pub pedro....
By the way, have a hug Pedro - you need one I think!
Ken
ps - I found it - loitering
Apologies if not... you know how desperate people can get on the last attempt!..
Can I at least get another chance to guess the password?!
Moreover, even if you guess correct, your attitude diminishes the likely quality of time in the pub for you.
You know that don't ya?
If not, then bug off!
Ken - proprietor
fixing to go inside to make some food for patrons proper as the bouncer comes out the door to confront those looking for trouble....
I'm sure Petey is fighting with General Woundwort as we speak right now... hard times for everyone.
There are 11030 words beginning with E in the English dictionary... you can go tell your other customers about that when they come in for a brew, you can say: “A guy down the pub told me that...” - to be sure, everyone will believe you. (I didn't even have to Google it!... DuckDuckGo is a great way to liberate oneself from the belly of the online-search engine beast)
You got any pills then, Ken?? (Don't worry, I'll be discreet if you do!)
So - see you later and good luck in other pubs because I suspect they are only there to support the local community and outsiders sometimes are treated with suspicion - right or wrong. My great grand-pappy about 13 generations away was Steven Hopkins came over on the Mayflower after spending some quality time in Bermuda and Jamestown and then he along with 5 or 6 of my other ancestors direct from the Mayflower tried to get something new going, so my pub sort is formed based on my kin.
I take that serious.
Ken
(I'm not loitering, by the way... I'm charity fundraising on the street... it just so happens your public house is on the doorstep!)
So suffice it to say, the pub is closed ....and if somebody hurt Petie the bunny there is going to be hell to pay.
After the agents realized they got called on a place for which no financial transactions have occurred, I reckon the proprietor will either be hauled off to jail for made-up accusations, or he will kill them all off for being fools responding to a trouble-maker and then let the chips fall where they will.
Oh well, such is life in the land of metaphorical pubs and trouble-makers full of ego and IRS agents got nothing better to do than harass every day citizens in a land with a federal gubment going down the drain. They just want to stifle somebody and anybody just trying to improve communication because their ego can't comprehend why they weren't given entry to the pub and it is simple.
No password - no entry.
Pub closed until further notice.
Maybe later in the month or hopefully in 2023, the pub will be opened again and really, those who want entry can use the password already provided up to a point, because those just loitering around looking for easy access will likely be denied and that is upon the discretion of the proprietor of this imaginary pub metaphorically in design.
So - really at the end of the day, all I can say is:
Pedro - you seem OK to me - maybe next time you will figure it out!
Ken
Thanks Pedro - I suspect I'll be tending your desires before too long and I look forward to it!
Ken
ps - that ain't the password you know obvious, but I won't count it against you....you are ahead of the game in my book.