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Fri, 21 Oct 2016
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Black Cat 2

Cat collar turns meows into words

© Temptations
A moggy models the world's first talking cat collar.
That endless meow can sure make a lot of noise, but have you ever wondered what your cat is trying to tell you?

Thanks to a bizarre new invention, you can now hear all about your feline friend's innermost thoughts.

The Temptations Catterbox is the world's first talking cat collar, and it turns meows into words and phrases including "who are you?", "no, no, and no", and our favourite, "are you having a f***** laugh?".

The device records each meow, squeak and purr, which are fed through a unique "miaowgorhythm". If the system detects a sound that matches one of the preset words, the word will play through a microphone in the collar.

But it gets even better. Using a phone app, cat owners can choose the type of voice and accent of the spoken words, to best reflect their feline friend's personality.

Voices include a posh female with an English accent, for a more regal feline, or a male voice with a broad Aussie twang, perhaps more fitting for the easy-going moggy.

Grey Alien

Driver informs Chinese police he's a royal alien and if they tow away his car, he will destroy planet Earth

One young driver in Huzhou, Zhejiang province, tried something absolutely out of this world to avoid getting a ticket.

Thankfully, his reasoning was recorded by police and has since gone on viral on the Chinese internet.

The young man was stopped by police earlier this week and found to have 27 unresolved traffic violations. After police informed him that they needed to tow his car, the man told them why that would be a very bad idea for all of humanity.

"You have your regulations, but we have our regulations in the Milky Way as well. I'm from a royal family. If you let me go, then I will let this incident pass. However, if you piss me off, I will be forced to destroy the Earth. My royal family is the biggest in the galaxy and no one has ever dared to make me this unhappy," the man said, without disclosing where exactly in the Milky Way he is from.

When asked by a bemused traffic officer why he doesn't get around in a plane instead of a car, the "alien" replied: "I don't fly in planes, I drive a FUA... erm... I mean UFO."


Trigonopterus chewbacca: Beetle named after Chewbacca from 'Star Wars'

© Lee Celano / Reuters
Seeking a name for one of four beetles recently discovered in Papua New Guinea, scientists resorted to Chewbacca, the world-famous Wookie and sidekick to Han Solo in the 'Star Wars' film series.

Trigonopterus chewbacca, one of four new Trigonopterus species found on the Papua New Guinea province of West New Britain during a 2014 expedition.


It's unfair to say Hillsborough police were incompetent - it takes great organisation to tell such shocking lies

© Dave Brown @ Procartoonists.org
One touching side to the aftermath of the Hillsborough verdict, is how few people responsible for the tragedy, the lies or the cover-up appear to show the slightest signs of remorse, which is heartening because there's no point in adding to the suffering is there?

This is excellent news as it should save on counselling. For example, Paul Middup, who as chair of South Yorkshire Police Federation blamed the disaster on a "rampaging mob", has refused to make a further statement.

So if he had to see a therapist, they'd say, "Now Paul, you were at a traumatic event weren't you? And the force you speak for was partly to blame, but you invented a rampaging mob to deflect that blame. Do you ever experience feelings of, perhaps, slight guilt in any way?" And he'd say "no not really", and the session would be over, saving on costs all round.

In any case, it's a shame to stifle people's creativity. Instead of boring us with dull tedious facts, it's more exciting if the police and press feel able to invent rampaging mobs after a tragedy. It's a pity they weren't allowed to let their imagination flow, blaming the crush on a stampede of Scouse buffalos up the Leppings Lane, or aliens shaped like giant stick insects who zapped the fans in revenge for a galactic war between Liverpool and the Argons.

Another police spokesman claimed that training had been stepped up since the mistakes in 1989. That must be right, because it's a highly skilled art, learning how not to invent a galaxy of stories blaming victims for their own deaths. Few of us can master it without attending a special course in the evenings.

It also suggests our society is now controlled by new age liberals, as the police falsified at least 116 statements, which we've known about since the last inquiry, and no one's yet been punished for it. Because it's wrong to see these police officers as liars, they're suffering from Compulsive Statement Alteration Syndrome, and we shouldn't be negative by saying they make stuff up but recognise they're "differently realitied" - which is why many of them have been promoted, to raise their self-esteem.


Pop-up from hell: Live weather forecast ambushed by the annoying Windows 10 reminder

© Shannon Stapleton / Reuters
It seems Microsoft just doesn't know when to stop pestering everyone about the Windows 10 upgrade, even during a live televised weather forecast.

During a broadcast on Wednesday morning, Meteorologist Matinka Slater of KCCI 8 News did manage to act much calmer, however, when a Windows 10 pop-up-shaped 'hurricane' appeared to be advancing on the state of Iowa.

Slater quickly got rid of the pesky popup and tried to continue with her forecast, but Windows 10 doesn't give up easy though with the remainder of the images on screen stalling.


Cassetteboy vs Jeremy Hunt

Jeremy Hunt should stop telling us how reckless and dangerous the Junior Doctors' strikes are, because trained medical professionals clearly feel his policies are far more reckless and dangerous.


Young doctor, you have to go on strike
I said Young doctor,
If there's something you don't like
The British people want the doctors
To give this government a beating
Cos the Health Secretary refused to grant them
Even one meeting
I remember when I did a s**t in an A&E last year
I looked up at the doctors and said
I hope my policy is clear
Keeping people fit isn't really the idea
It's called Privatisation
And I want that to happen here
There's under-funding in my NHS
Doctors should be working less
Not more, but I ignore
the opposition to the contract imposition
Running down the NHS is
One of my successes
I'm not telling the truth about my NHS
Yes I seek to trick the public
But I'll tell you if you didn't know before
Nightmare Health Secretary
Is what NHS stand for


A new term is born

I knew someone would find a name for our election process for this year.

© Steve Bell 2000

the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2016 election year.

Black Cat 2

Cats belonging to Putin's neighbor implicated in Panama Papers

© Sandrianoff Ru
According to the West he's the most evil man on earth
Nine thousand British and six thousand American companies are listed in the Panama Papers. Readers of reputable western news magazines can be forgiven for thinking things are going wrong in the world.

No need to worry: the whistleblowers promise to keep that part of the information private — fortunately, however, western ears will receive regular updates about the Russian super-villain Vladimir Putin!

It turns out, that even his neighbour's cat has a postbox in Arizona, used to smuggle Whiskas to Russia, bypassing the freely free western sanctions of freedom against Russia.

There's no way Putin had no clue about such hanky panky.

But that is not all, the sleuths have more. Investigating journalists from the Süddeutsche Zeitung (South German Newspaper) dug up further proof of this feline's relationships with the Russian tyrant.

It turns out that the cat was born at a potato-farm in Smolensk. The owner of the farm supplies a supermarket chain with his spicy potatoes. And this is exactly the supermarket chain, where the brother-in-law of the brother-in-law of Putin's haircutter's sister goes shopping!

The latter has a daughter, whose dog (a male) mounted another dog. Damningly, the latter dog-owner's initials are V.P! And his wife plays the cello! And even had friends when in kindergarten!

Phew! Good thing we uncovered all this. Now things can get back to normal!

Source: Allgemeine Morgenpost Rundschau


Screw this! Sheepdog quits his farm job; walks 240 miles back home

© Wales News Service
Pero ran away from his new home in Cockermouth, Cumbria.
Sometimes, new jobs just don't work out. Maybe your boss is too demanding, or your co-workers smell, or it's just not the right "fit." Or maybe you just miss being home.

This is all to say that Pero, a 4-year-old sheepdog who walked off his job in England to return home, probably had his reasons.

It had only been a few weeks since Pero was sent to work on a farm in Cumbria, England, in March. Yet, on April 8, he decided he'd had enough, going missing from the farm where it was his job to help round up sheep.


Russian agent? Angry beaver attacks Latvian man, whose call for help is dismissed as prank

© Randy Suarez
A man in Latvia was taken hostage by an angry beaver during a late night stroll.

The incident occurred during the early hours of April 14 in the Latvian city of Daugavpils, as a man named Sergei returning home after partying with his friends was suddenly beset by a very aggressive beaver.

The beaver immediately latched onto Sergei's left leg and started gnawing on it, stubbornly resisting all attempts to drive him away. Eventually the angry creature managed to wrestle his victim to the ground and, peculiarly, immediately ceased his assault. Nevertheless, the beaver remained sitting next to his prone victim, resuming attacks each time the man attempted to get up, according to Delfi news portal.

While lying prone, Sergei managed to reach for his cellphone and dial the emergency services, but his call for help was dismissed as a prank, prompting the injured man to seek aid from his friend.

Comment: This beaver was undoubtedly sent by Putin to destabilize Latvia.