U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz
) sent shockwaves through the Republican Party today when he announced that he would endorse Donald Trump
for President, but only if the GOP nominee
would be willing to publicly support a ban on masturbation. The Senator called this 'The single most important issue facing the country today' and that without 'swift action by the next President the country was doomed to slide down a slippery slope of debauchery and self-satisfaction'.
"Self-love is a silent killer in this country.
This needless act of hedonistic indulgence is leading our children down a dark and destructive path. It starts innocently enough with a JC Penney catalogue tucked under your mattress, but it quickly spirals out of control, and before you know it, your mother has to call the coroner because you've died from auto-erotic asphyxiation. I'm not saying that we should lock up these one armed bandits and throw away the key; what we need is a compassionate approach that helps these deviants reform and become productive members of society. That is why I believe a prison sentence of three to five years will help motivate these heathens to change their evil ways and stay off the Devil's playground for good,"
Cruz said. "I'm asking Mr. Trump to acknowledge the severity of this problem, and commit to finding real solutions. If he does that, I will do whatever it takes to help him secure the White House in November. Should Mr. Trump decline, I think it's safe to say that all options, including a third party run, are out on the table."
Donald Trump told ABC News
that he was open to the idea, though he refused to take a clear stand.
"Look, do I think Senator Cruz is right about this? You know, maybe he is. To be honest, I don't know a lot about taking care of your own business down there. I don't need to. I'm an amazing lover, the best lover, and I literally have women lined up around the block to be with me. I could have any woman I wanted, so there is no need to for me to be grabbing at very large and not at all inadequate straws. But I do think this business about playing with your own business could have national security implications. My people are going to sit down and look hard and this situation and find a great answer for it, the best answer there is."