U.S. — According to sources, the final unredacted release of the CIA's JFK Files contains no incriminating information, definitively proving that the CIA destroyed all their incriminating JFK Files.

"It's the only thing that makes sense," JFK assassination research enthusiast Edward Dunbar posted on X. "We finally get the files after all these years and there's nothing in them. That can only mean they destroyed that one file that said 'We did it' years ago!"

Film director Oliver Stone, who played a major role in popularizing JFK assassination conspiracies, finally feels vindicated. "At long last, these files prove once and for all that the CIA clearly destroyed all the files that said they did it."

Merz is leader of the free world.
Starmer is also leader of the free world.

After failing to secure a mineral deal, Zelenskyy left the Oval Office amid reports he was "kicked out." A Fox News report claimed the planned lunch was left untouched, with staffers eating it instead. Reporter Jacqui Heinrich said the meal remained in the hallway after Zelenskyy's abrupt exit.

President Donald Trump and the Ukrainian president concluded without a mineral deal between the US and Ukraine, Zelenskyy left the Oval Office with reports suggesting that he was "kicked out." A Fox News report claimed that the lunch, which the two presidents were supposed to take part in, was left unattended and the Oval Office staffers were eating them. Fox News's Jacqui Heinrich, who was reporting live from the Oval Office, said that the lunch was kept in the hallway of the Oval Office where both countries' delegations were supposed to take part. However, after Zelenskyy left the meeting after a heated argument with Trump and Vice President JD Vance, the staff will eat that lunch, she said. "The lunch he was supposed to have was sitting right out in the hallway... and staffers will now be eating that lunch," Heinrich said. Here's the video:

"I was told President Trump kicked Zelensky out of the White House. President felt disrespected. We have heard discussions about Zelensky's body language, shrugging and eye rolling was ungrateful and disrespectful. President feels that Zelensky is not ready for peace and he can come back when he is ready to talk about peace," Heinrich noted.

The two presidents began their White House discussion by discussing the U.S.-Ukraine minerals deal in a cordial and courteous manner. However, Vice President JD Vance's accusations that Zelenskyy was "ungrateful" and "disrespectful" heightened tensions. Zelenskyy was also attacked by Trump, who said that the Ukrainian leader was "gambling with World War III."

U.S. — Although the public has long suspected visitors of the infamous "Epstein Island" were a veritable who's-who of high-ranking public officials and Hollywood celebrities, newly released court documents show that convicted human trafficker Jeffrey Epstein had just one client: a black bar.

"It is the court's opinion that Jeffrey Epstein trafficked victims to this curious-looking black bar that is found all throughout his client list," said the federal judge who ordered the public disclosure. "We're not sure what this means, or why it was connected with Jeffrey Epstein."

Many expected the list of names tied to Jeffrey Epstein to be so heavily redacted as to be useless, but we now know for certain that this black bar visited the so-called "Epstein Island" hundreds of times. "Finally, some transparency!" said District Attorney Gene Zendryk. "Perhaps the public can start trusting the government again."

After some confusion among the White House press corps over how the executive branch operates, White House Deputy Chief of Staff for Policy Stephen Miller helpfully stepped in with a pair of sock puppets to explain how the Constitution works.

"Let's all use our listening ears, class," began Stephen Miller as he gestured with a sock puppet. "I'm glad for the opportunity for a brief civics lesson with you and to help you all understand at your level, I've brought in Constitutional Connor and Silly Socko."

"Zoinks! I just lost my job at the Social Security Administration and that makes me really sad... and MAD," began puppet Silly Socko on the verge of puppet tears. "And it's all because of ELON MUSK, who wasn't even ELECTED!"

"There, there, Silly Socko," piped in a cheery, empathetic Constitutional Connor. "A president is elected by the whole American people. He's the only official in the entire government who is elected by the entire nation. Right?"

"Yeah, you must know all about that since you are Constitutional Connor!"

"It's all in the name, Socko! So the Constitution, Article Two, has a clause, known as the Vesting Clause, and it says, 'The executive power shall be vested in a PRESIDENT'. Singular. The whole will of DEMOCRACY is imbued into the one elected PRESIDENT, who is now Donald Trump. That president then appoints STAFF — like Elon Musk — to then impose that democratic will onto the government."

"Yeah, that makes sense, I guess. But I'm still really mad at Elon MUSK! AAAAHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Silly Socko.

"Thanks, for clearing that up, Constitutional Connor," chimed in the real Stephen Miller to wrap things up. "And cheer up, Silly Socko, you can get just as good a job in some new and different line of work where you can actually be productive in society!"

"Ah, shucks!" replied Silly Socko.

"That's all for me today; that's your lesson for today," said Stephen Miller as he gave the podium back to the White House press secretary.

At publishing time, Stephen Miller had received an offer to head up a children's educational program on One America News Network.

The Department of Government Efficiency faced renewed calls for independent oversight after news broke that DOGE boss Elon Musk had callously cut off Social Security benefits for thousands of Revolutionary War veterans.

The move took place as part of DOGE's overarching crusade to identify and eliminate wasteful government spending but promised to bring the Musk-led team a new wave of negative publicity due to brave veterans of the American War of Independence now being deprived of their hard-fought benefits.

"How dare he take away the benefits we earned with our blood," said 270-year-old Arthur Breckenridge, who fought in the Battle of Yorktown in 1781. "It's only because of men like me that this South African fellow had a chance to come to this country and enjoy the fruits of our labor. Now we find out he's cutting off our Social Security? How are we supposed to live?"

Though Musk and the team at DOGE cited Social Security payments to individuals seemingly far too old to still be living as evidence of widespread fraud, Breckenridge and his fellow Revolutionary War veterans were not going to accept this indignity. "This billionaire miscreant leaves us no choice," said Thomas Halderman, a 278-year-old veteran of the Battle of Saratoga. "We shall grab our muskets and march to Tesla headquarters. Have at thee, you thieving scoundrel!"

At publishing time, DOGE was reportedly seeking a way to verify the ages and identities of the Revolutionary War veterans by asking Senator Mitch McConnell if he knew any of them from back then.

Democrats have demanded increased transparency from a man who painstakingly posts on the internet every single thing he does.

After viewing hundreds of Musk's posts from the past day, replete with videos and images chronicling his every move, Democrats condemned Musk for shrouding his work in secrecy.

"We have no idea what Elon is really up to," said Senator Chuck Schumer, while listeners scrolling their phones read up-to-the-second updates from Musk about each bite of his breakfast. "It's just a total mystery."

Republicans argued in vain that Musk has run the most transparent government agency in history, describing his work in minute detail and publicly posting dozens of images showing the exact contracts that DOGE is canceling. "But other than posting government documents with precise contract amounts, payment histories, and signatures, where is the evidence of government waste?" asked Senator Elizabeth Warren. "Musk simply cannot be allowed to operate in the shadows like this."

At publishing time, Musk had posted 73 more updates in the past minute showing what contracts DOGE was canceling as well as describing in vivid detail each bite of his sandwich.

Claims it's Necessary for National Energy Security

The Globe and Fail

Nathan Goldblob, staff writer

Today, Donald Trump announced plans to annex the Canadian province of Alberta. The surprising statement, published on Truth Social, has further shaken the already precarious relationship between the two nations.

In the post, the President asserted that access to Canadian oil and natural gas would guarantee American energy supply and reduce costs for Americans, a key plank in his election campaign, and that Albertans would be better off.

At a press conference after the announcement, Trump said: "They are going to see investment like they've never seen before. We will remove their regulatory burden, cut them loose, pipelines, lots of pipelines, you know, they've been going east west when they should be going north south, refineries, good paying jobs, lower taxes, better currency. We are going to rename it North Montana. They are going to be very happy."

The beavers not only solved a drainage problem, but also saved authorities an estimated $1.23 million.

Remember when humans could build stuff? Like, "Hey, let's slam 4 million cubic yards of concrete between two canyon walls" and five years later — two years ahead of schedule — Hoover Dam?

Well, nowadays it takes longer than that to approve the font size on the "No Smoking" sign for a public park bathroom that'll cost $2.3 million and require 47 community input sessions.

But some beavers in the Czech Republic just gave a masterclass in Getting Sh*t Done. While government officials were busy having meetings about having meetings about their river restoration project (started in 2018), these rodents rolled up and built a dam in two days.

No permits. No environmental impact studies. No LinkedIn humble-brags about "transformative infrastructure solutions." Just teeth, logs, and the hutzpah to ignore five years of bureaucratic foreplay.

Sure, they flooded some stuff and messed up a railway line, but compare it to modern infrastructure projects that take decades and billions of dollars only to end up as PowerPoint presentations about why they need more billions.

One Czech official had to admit: "The beavers saved us 30 million Czech korunas ($1.2 million). They built the dams without any project documentation — and for free."

Democrats have unleashed furious attacks on Republicans for using winning the election as an excuse to try to take control of the government.

Democrats have accused Republicans of attempting to make decisions as to how the government ought to be run, as if Republicans were voted to be in charge.

"Winning the election gives Republicans no right to run this country," shouted Senator Elizabeth Warren at a protest. "They cannot simply come in and take control of governmental agencies simply because people voted for them. We must employ every means possible to resist this takeover."

Democrats have turned to the streets in anger as Republicans continue to assert that being elected puts them in charge. "People voting for Trump to be President doesn't magically make him the boss," explained Senator Schumer. "Trump cannot be allowed to come in and issue these executive orders, just because he is the Executive. Rest assured, the Democrats will fight with all of our hearts to stop the people who were elected from being in power."

At publishing time, Democrats had announced that the only thing Trump was actually allowed to be in charge of was pardoning that turkey on Thanksgiving.