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Still here!
President Donald Trump is once again under fire from the media for recklessly downplaying the danger of COVID by refusing to die. As the president begins to show signs of recovery, many worry that this sends the wrong message about the seriousness of the global pandemic.
"Every hour that he lives is another hour that the severity of this virus is undermined!" said reporter Sara Grace Major for CNN. "Why won't he just DIE and show the American people how deadly this virus truly is?"
"Mr. President, are you sure you don't need to lie down indefinitely or go on a ventilator?" asked another distraught journalist. "Maybe even say goodbye to your loved ones?!"
"Honestly, I feel terrific. Tremendous, really. I was never afraid of this virus before, but now I am even more not afraid. It's sad, really. I was told this virus would be one tough cookie," Trump said to the press. "In fact, I've never felt better."
"His defiance is going to get people killed. Dying like he's supposed to would be the most patriotic thing he could do," complained CNN correspondent Adam Pelot. "If he lives, how will the people be able to trust science?"
At publishing time, members of the press had begun pulling their own hair out as they watched the "incredibly strong and healthy" president go for a jog around the White House grounds.
