Don't Panic! Lighten Up!

When racists and wokes actually agree on everything

Jordan Davidson
The Federalist
Mon, 20 Jul 2020 01:59 UTC

Comedian Ryan Long released a now viral video with Danny Polishchuk called "When Wokes and Racists Actually Agree on Everything," poking fun at the nation's unfolding debates on race.

The video, which currently has over 59,000 views on YouTube, was endorsed by stand up comedian Bill Burr, who retweeted the video.

The video depicts two friends, Brad and Chad, one "woke" and one "racist," agreeing on very fundamental parts of their ideologies.

Far-right extremist suggests treating people of all races equally

The Babylon Bee
Fri, 17 Jul 2020 05:19 UTC

A dangerous, far-right extremist has suggested that we treat people of all races equally, shocked and horrified sources confirmed Friday.

The hateful bigot has been canceled for his controversial comments that people should be treated with respect no matter their skin color.

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character," said the dangerous, alt-right extremist, according to sources. "I have a dream that one day little black boys and girls will be holding hands with little white boys and girls."

The offensive comments were platformed at large protests and marches, and everyone associated with the problematic racist has also been canceled.

"I mean, this is literally Nazism," said one progressive Twitter user. "He might as well have grown out a little mustache and invaded Russia. We are scouring his old Facebook photos for swastikas and racial slurs as we speak. I'm sure there's a ton of hateful stuff there."

Vaccine trial #666 successful reports Oxford university

Babylon Bee
Mon, 20 Jul 2020 17:48 UTC

Oxford — A research team at the University of Oxford announced today that after 665 failed trials of a vaccine for the coronavirus, trial number 666 was successful. Trial #666, codenamed "The Beast," provoked the desired immune system response researchers have been searching for.

"This vaccine will stop humanity--er, I mean, coronavirus in its tracks," the head researcher on the vaccine project, Dr. Lucy Ferre, said at a press conference this morning. "We can get through these several years of tribulation together as long as we all take the mar--I mean, the vaccine."

White House adds crying room for fussy reporters

The Babylon Bee
Fri, 17 Jul 2020 22:29 UTC

The Trump White House has added a new feature to the James S Brady Press Briefing Room: a separate cry room for fussy reporters who are crying during press briefings and interrupting the proceedings.

The quiet, serene room will allow news agencies to take their crying, wailing, fussy reporters into a separate space to calm them down so the press briefings can continue without interruption.

"If you notice one of your reporters starting to tear up, just take them into the cry room and soothe them before joining us again," said Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany. "There are pictures of Obama, bottles of kombucha, and some Tickle-You-Biden plushies in there to keep them occupied and help them feel safe."

"Hey, wait a minute! Are you saying we're babies!?" shouted one reporter, tears welling up in his eyes.

"Well, yes," McEnany replied.

"That's... that's mean!" His lip began to quiver and he was forced to excuse himself to the cry room.

"WAAAAHHH!!!" cried Jim Acosta. "ORANGE MAN BAD! ORANGE MAN BAD!" One of his fellow CNN reporters cradled him in her arms and took him out into the cry room with an apologetic look on her face.

The cry room may need expanding soon, however, since every single reporter except OANN's Chanel Rion was sent to the cry room during the first press briefing. Rion pointed and laughed at them as they went into the cry room, calling them "dumb babies," which made them cry harder.

Frustrated by lockdown? Iceland offers to release your screams over loudspeaker

Irish Examiner
Wed, 15 Jul 2020 20:33 UTC

People feeling stressed by lockdown are being invited to let off steam by having their screams played over loudspeaker in a remote part of Iceland.

The offer comes from the Scandinavian nation's tourist board, which has set up a website allowing people to record themselves venting their frustration.

The results will then be played from one of seven speakers set up around the sparsely-populated country.

The website reads: "You've been through a lot this year and it looks like you need the perfect place to let your frustrations out. Somewhere big, vast and untouched.

"It looks like you need Iceland."

Liberals worried that without cancel culture they'd actually have to defend their ideas

The Babylon Bee
Wed, 08 Jul 2020 07:41 UTC

As cancel culture has come under attack in recent weeks, liberals have begun to grow worried that it might get canceled. And if that happens, they'll be in the terrible situation of having to discuss and defend their ideas with people who disagree with them.

Progressives have felt a growing anxiety over the thought of losing cancel culture and having to stand by their ideas and defend them with logic.

"Imagine how horrible it would be if instead of just canceling someone, we had to discuss differing viewpoints and then defend our ideas," said one journalist as he searched a Quiznos employee's old tweets. "It's much easier to simply silence them through cancelation, guaranteeing that we'll never have to examine our own views, come to a better understanding of the other side, and maybe even change our position sometimes."

It's especially hard for the Far Left, as Communists much prefer silencing people and exiling them to having to explain their defense of a system that has killed over 100 million people. "It's what Joseph Stalin would have done," said Portland anarcho-communist Jayde Wilson. "You didn't see him worrying about defending his ideas -- he just canceled people -- straight to the gulag."

Only herd sanity can inoculate us against this madness

Nick Dixon
spiked
Wed, 08 Jul 2020 07:26 UTC

In light of the chaos happening in so many areas of our culture, I am proposing a new strategy: herd sanity.

Herd sanity is an idea, invented by me, whereby enough people remain calm and rational that stupid, insane ideas can no longer spread too far.

Once this level of mass common sense is achieved in a population, any stupid idea like 'Speech is violence', or 'Defund the police', or 'Listen to Sadiq Khan' will only be able to get so far without running into a sane, normal person and immediately dying out.

I have had to invent this idea, of course, because of the recent pandemic. Not that nasty Covid-19 thing. I'm talking about the pandemic of Stupid Ideas Rapidly Spreading - or SIRS, if you prefer.

This is a new phenomenon largely due to the advent of Twitter, and the surprising number of people who possess the very latest technology yet have not even bothered to switch their stupid brains on.

Fired Ukraine minister dons skimpy bikini, launches new party to fight corruption of "pants-wearing idiots"

Tyler Durden
Zerohedge
Thu, 09 Jul 2020 04:15 UTC

Ukraine's former deputy infrastructure minister, Aleksandra Klitina, recently released a racy video announcement of a new political party while partially exposing upper chest cleavage, reported RT News.

Klitina, 37, apparently knows how to attract a new base - her 'physique' was the centerpiece in the video as she called for a new political party called "Ukraine against corruption" - she posted the video on YouTube in late June.

In the short clip, Klitina is wearing a skimpy swimsuit while giving a political speech outdoors, standing feet in front of a camera, where she said:

Gavin Newsom alerted to illegal activity by the sound of children's laughter

The Babylon Bee
Tue, 07 Jul 2020 04:51 UTC

California Governor Gavin Newsom was spending another day keeping his state locked down and safe from the coronavirus when he heard a disturbing sound: the laughter of children. "Someone sounded like they were having fun," Newsom explained to reporters, "and anything fun is the number one way to spread the virus."

While the sound of children's laughter wasn't quite as bad as hearing a worship song being sung, Newsom decided to call the police to be on the safe side. The search of the neighborhood only turned up children as they should be: locked inside and looking rather sullen. "I didn't imagine it, though," Newsom said. "Some children were outside enjoying themselves in full violation of the law! And they're still on the loose! They could be playing hide and seek as we speak!"

Police have issued an APB for children playing outside, though so far they have not been spotted. Reportedly, Newsom got little sleep last night, as he just couldn't get it out of his head that out there, somewhere, children were having fun.

People that wear a mask in their car

JP Sears
AwakenWithJP
Tue, 07 Jul 2020 07:14 UTC

People that wear a mask in their car unfortunately get made fun of by bystanders all the time. Little do they know that driving alone in your car during pandemic times is one of the most dangerous activities you can take part in. In this video, for the first time ever, people who wear a mask while driving get to speak out.