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Tue, 21 Sep 2021
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Jacinda Ardern calls to nuke New Zealand after UK variant found - 'It's the only way'

Jacinda Ardern
© Waterford Whispers
New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has ordered the army to source nuclear bombs from somewhere and detonate them in key locations in a last-ditch attempt to wipe out covid-19 for good, WWN has learned.

The new measure comes after three people were found to be infected with the highly contagious UK variant, initially forcing the PM to call a 72-hour lockdown, before then issuing an all-out nuclear strike.

"It's the only way to beat the virus," the 40-year-old leader told citizens in an emotional televised address, showing a map where strategically placed nuclear weapons will have to be detonated. "This will be quick and painless for all of us, but more importantly, it will stop covid-19 for good which will be a massive win for us in the long run".

Yoda

Trump's power doubles after absorbing impeachment attack!

Trump
© Unknown
'DoubleTroubleTrump'
"It's over, Pelosi! You've lost!" shouted a cackling Trump as he and the Speaker of the House hovered above the White House, locked in mortal combat. "You have no cards left to play!"

Pelosi, ragged and weary from battling her archnemesis for three years, managed a weak smile.

"Oh, I think I might have one card up my sleeve," she growled through clenched dentures. "Progressives, assemble!" Down on the ground, something incredible happened: brave Resistance warriors from all over began to assemble and scream at the sky, their powers adding to her own. Pelosi's eyes began to glow blue as she was filled with all the power of every outraged progressive across the land.

"Impeachment attack, go!!!" she cried as she unleashed a blue energy beam at Trump's chest -- a desperate, final gambit to impeach him forever and remove him from office.

But Pelosi was horrified as Trump only absorbed the attack, feeding on its power.

"Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" he cackled as he gained more and more power from the impeachment attack. "Foolish mortals! Every attack only makes me stronger!"

Trump then drew on all his newfound power to create chaos at the Iowa primaries, cause himself to be acquitted, and force Pelosi to have a mental breakdown, all in the same week. Unfortunately, he then tweeted something dumb, his only weakness. But Democrats then responded to his dumb tweet with even dumber stuff, causing his power to grow even more!

Comment: An undisputed 'first'! Trump has now achieved the unique title of 'Most Acquitted'!
President Donald Trump made history once again today after being acquitted in his second Senate impeachment trial. He is now the most acquitted president in American history.

Donald Trump issued a statement regarding this incredible honor:
"I have been completely and totally cleared of all wrongdoing in this pathetic witch hunt sham impeachment trial. I am now the most acquitted president ever -- even more than Clinton. No president has ever been acquitted more than I have. Will I get the credit? Probably not, because of the fake news media. I am looking forward to continuing our MAGA movement together for many more acquittals to come!"
According to sources, Republican Senators cheered and high-fived each other, knowing they had just outsmarted all the Democrats into bestowing such an unprecedented badge of honor on the former president.

"Oh no! What have we done?!" wailed Senator Amy Klobuchar, suddenly realizing the Senate had given Trump yet another impressive world record, making him the subject of trivia questions for the next two centuries.

According to sources, Clinton will be handing over his giant gold "most acquitted ever" trophy to Trump in Mar-a-Lago next week.



Smiley

'I'm not a cat': When Zoom filters go wrong

zoom filter cat court hearing
© Lawrence Hurley/Twitter
Screen capture of Zoom court hearing gone awry.
A lawyer in Texas became a viral sensation on Tuesday after accidentally activating a cat filter during a court hearing over Zoom.

Footage of the incident, which went viral on Twitter, shows attorney Rod Ponton struggling to deactivate the filter while appearing as a young feline.

Judge Roy B. Ferguson can be overheard attempting to help Ponton, to no avail.

"Mr. Ponton, I believe you have a filter turned on in your video settings," Ferguson says.

In perhaps the best moment of the video, Ponton attempts to reassure the judge that he is in fact not a cat.

"I've got my assistant here, and she's trying to remove it but uh... I'm prepared to go forward with it," Ponton says. "I'm here live. I'm not a cat."

The video has already been viewed more than 1.6 million times and counting.

Smiley

New Disney job posting: Looking for strong, fierce women who are also obedient, submissive, and docile

careno disney twitter job careno fired
© The Babylon Bee
Disney is eager to fill their job vacancy after firing Gina Carano from the Mandalorian after she was outed as a kind, decent person as well as a mouthy female who speaks her mind too much. Determined not to make the same mistake again, Disney is being much more specific with their job descriptions.

"We need brave, strong, and independent role models that girls can look up to!" said Disney CEO Bob Chapek. "But she's also gotta be extremely submissive, easily controlled, and totally subservient. We can't afford to have another woman out here speaking her mind!"

"At Disney, we tell stories of hope, courage, and rebellion against all-powerful empires, but that nonsense is all for show," he continued. "What we actually care about is women who will regurgitate all of our politically correct talking points and approved messages."

"I'll watch anything made by Disney. Who cares that they praise brutal communist regimes that imprison Uighurs and cancel conservative women — I just want more Baby Yoda!" said eager fan Adam Harrington. "In fact, the more mindless puppets the better!"

"She got what she deserved," said one critic on Twitter. "What did she expect after using her platform to stand for what she believes in? What does she think this is? A Disney movie?!"

Disney has now updated their listing to look for a woman who's fierce, but only when commanded, smart, but not smart enough to scare the men, and preferably strong, but not strong enough to beat up the whole studio.

Clipboard

The Babylon Bee Guide To Being Woke

woke guide
Brought to you by: Woke Fragility (a parody!): Bringing Moderates to Heel

Being "woke" is very important in order to show the world you're a good person, and also to avoid having your entire life wrecked by a Twitter mob!

In order to achieve success and respect from all the good woke people -- which is the most important thing you can achieve in life -- you need to learn how to be properly woke! Here is our definitive guide:

Magic Wand

To prove cancel culture doesn't exist, Disney fires actress who condemned cancel culture

Gina Corano
In order to silence the dangerous idea that cancel culture is real, Disney cut ties with actress Gina Carano yesterday after she posted memes on social media that suggested cancel culture is bad and also that it exists.

"Cancel culture is just an alt-right conspiracy theory, so we must cancel this actress who suggested it is real," said Kathleen Kennedy. "We are distancing ourselves from this dangerous idea by canceling the woman who perpetrated it."

According to Lucasfilm, Carano was given the opportunity to grovel, promise to do better, renounce her beliefs, and agree to undergo 8 weeks in a Disney reeducation camp if she wished to keep her job. When she refused, she was let go.

Comment: See also:


Smiley

Gina Carano immediately rehired by Disney after identifying as an abusive male director

gina carano josh whedon
Disney has apologized to Gina Carano and rehired her after she announced today that she identifies as a problematic, abusive, toxic male director.

"I'm not a Republican actress -- I'm actually a toxic, abusive, gaslighting director of many popular shows and films over the years," Carano said. "I am finally ready to come out of the closet and live my truth."

Disney's response was immediate, as the company profusely apologized and hired her back.

"We are so sorry to Ms. Carano for firing her -- we did not realize she was actually a sexually abusive male director trapped in a woman's body," said a Disney spokesperson. "We applaud her for coming to terms with her true identity and choosing to live her brave new life as a studio executive who does problematic things to women all the time without any repercussions."

Immediately after the announcement, she was rehired and put in charge of the entire Marvel franchise.

Smiley

Next stimulus bill will give every American $2,000 worth of masks

Boxes of Mask
© Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C. — Congress has finally come to an agreement on the stimulus bill: every American will be sent $2,000, but instead of cash, the payment will be made in roughly $2,000 worth of masks.

People across the country breathed a sigh of relief as Congress finally got its act together and compromised to make the mask payments happen.

Heart - Black

CDC: 'Just because you got the vaccine doesn't mean you should go outside or ever experience joy again'

CDC rules
The CDC has issued a reminder that just because people get the vaccine, that doesn't mean they should go outside, experience human interaction, or have any kind of joy or happiness in their lives ever again.

"We noticed people were getting the vaccine and then just assuming because vaccines are designed to make people immune to viruses that they are immune to the virus. Then, they were doing crazy things like going outside, interacting with other people, and being happy," said a CDC spokesperson. "And all of this because doctors and scientists kept pushing the vaccine as though it were a cure-all solution that would make you immune to the virus. Well, that view is now considered anti-SCIENCE. And if you disagree with SCIENCE, you are literally murdering grandma. Literally. Like with a baseball bat."

The newly revised guidelines indicate that people who have not yet been vaccinated should stay home, masked, in a bubble, forever. Those who have been vaccinated should do the exact same thing, except they are allowed to have a smug look on their faces for being vaccinated. Except you can't see the smug look. Because of the mask.

What is the benefit of getting vaccinated, then? "Well, there are many benefits," the CDC spokesperson said. "But the best benefit of all, of course, is that you're on the right side of history. But still, stay in your home and be sad and depressed forever."

Smiley

138,000 points suddenly awarded to losing team at Superbowl halftime

superbowl points awarded cheat election fraud
© The Babylon Bee
Though they had been trailing in the Super Bowl throughout most of the first quarter, the Kansas City Chiefs were suddenly awarded 138,000 points at halftime, sources confirmed Sunday evening.

"After closer examination, we discovered several more points scored by the Chiefs that we had missed initially," said one official. "Sometimes these things show up in the instant replay footage."

After receiving the exciting news, the halftime show transitioned into a victory celebration for the winning team.

"We hope this small irregularity doesn't undermine your faith in our officiating," said an NFL spokesperson.